Help me to end things with this guy

[InAPickle12345]

Ugh, I just really don't want to face this and need some advice on how the end things.

Been seeing a guy since June. Things are casual, we go to events and dinners etc together but it's not serious, in my mind anyway. I hope it's the same for him.

The relationship is just kind of giving me the ick. I've another thread on here about his dog (love dogs but this one is badly behaved and treated like a child), sex isn't great and overall I just want to be on my own and this really came through over Xmas.

Unfortunately I made up some excuses about childcare and sickness to cancel any plans over Xmas and I'm just craving being on my own again. Don't want to have someone texting me every day or trying to make plans during my limited child free time.

But I want to finish this in a way that doesn't hurt him. He's very nice and heart in the right place, just not for me.

I have to meet him at some point as I've got a Xmas gift for him. Is it awful to give him his gift and finish with him at the same time? Is there a way I can phrase this that says 'it's not you, it's me and I'd like to just be friends'?

God I'm pathetic asking this on here but I just don't have the energy for this and need advice.

Do you really want to be friends with him, or is that just your way of being kind and trying to lessen the blow? Only suggest remaining friends if you 100% want that to happen. It isn't fair to either of you otherwise.

Also, bear in mind that if he finds the break up hard, being friends can make it harder and drag it out. So be prepared (if you both agree you want to remain friends) to let the dust well and truly settle before continuing as friends.

Do you need to give him the gift? You'd be giving him mixed messages I think. Perhaps that's something for after you've told him it's over, depending on how that goes? (if it's something you really want to give to him).

As for how to tell him, be honest and tell him it isn't working for you. Be clear. No room for misunderstanding.

Just be honest. Tell him what you just said - he's a lovely guy but it just isn't for you. It's only been 6 months, he'll be fine.

IME you have to be clear - any ambiguity & they might think there's still a chance.

I'd say something along the lines of I don't want to continue our relationship any longer. Its not working for me; I have a lot in my life and the Christmas break has given me time to reflect and realise that I need time alone regularly to reenergise & i want to concentrate on my children and developing my interests.
I wish you all the best and hope you have no hard feelings.
[I do have a Christmas gift for you, which I would like you to have, but understand if you prefer not to meet again.]

You may or may not want to add the bit in brackets.
I would phone and tell him this.

Don't bother with the Xmas gift for a start. Just be honest-ish. Say you've realised how much you need your alone time & this relationship isn't right for you any more. You'll be so relieved when you've done it so get on with it!

Thank so much for responding. Honestly, I think remaining friends would be a suggestion because of me trying to be nice and I will also likely see him in professional situations in the future.

He knows I have the gift, and he has one for me so I think I should really give it to him.

Honestly, if it was up to me, I would love to just send a text and say this isn't working, but I'm aware that's a bit cold when he's not done anything wrong per se, and I don't want things to be awkward when I meet him because of work. I really hate confrontation and would just love for this to be over without the need for a face to face conversation about it.

I think I'll just tell him that I really don't have time for a relationship, that I have personal and professional goals for 2024 that will take up most of my free time... does that sound okay do you think?

You don’t have to meet him at all. I wouldn’t want a present from someone who is about to dump me. Also I don’t understand why finishing by phone or even message is considered bad form. I would far rather be dumped that way than after I’ve made an effort with my appearance and excitedly gone to meet someone I really like. Sometimes I think those have a problem with it are just using it as a stick to to have a go at someone who they no longer are connected to but still really want to be.

Whether he is hurt or not will depend on the depth of his feelings for you, not how you say it, that is more or less irrelevant. Just tell him it isn’t working out, there is no point giving him a Christmas present, that was a week ago anyway and don’t dangle “let’s be friends over him”, that is dropping crumbs and is unkind, clean break.

Thanks so much @YouJustDoYou @StripeyDeckchair @ComorosPearl

@StripeyDeckchair you advised calling to tell him this, you think it's okay if I don't do this face to face? Do you think a text is awful?

I think I'll definitely be honest and add that I need far more alone time this year and Xmas has shown me that. Im not sure if I actually need more alone time, or if I just don't want to be dating this particular man anymore, but I do know that this situation isn't for me anymore.

This is interesting, I hadn't thought of it like this, maybe he would prefer I end things by phone, maybe it is okay to end things without an awkward face to face and he'd prefer that.

This is likely to come out of the blue for him so I don't know which would be easier on him.

If I go the phone route, is a text acceptable?

For me, a text is completely acceptable, even a preference. I know others feel differently though.

deliver the news way you would want it be delivered to you if the situ was reversed ie truthfully and honestly

as women, we complain when a guy gives us clearly rubbish excuses when they want to dump us eg work is too busy etc. we just want the truth!

sometimes we need to model the behavior we want to receive from guys, otherwise we are no better

I'd do a warning shot text then call. Then if it goes well suggest meeting to exchange gifts and for a friendly coffee if that's what you want.

He's probably got an inkling that your feelings have cooled if you've been so absent over Christmas so just let him know so he can move on. You can make it positive- you've enjoyed getting to know him but at this stage it's feeling like much more of a friendship. I personally think that's more tactfully honest than a flowery version of 'i've been avoiding you all Christmas but some guff about personal development'. Sorry to be blunt but I'd find that a bit insulting and oblique compared to 'thanks but you're not the one for me'.

It's not very nice to turn up to what he thinks is a date with a present planning to end things. for one thing give him the chance to return your gift and process this as an ending.

I also would far rather be dumped over the phone- it baffles me when people say it is bad form. Why would I want to be standing in front of someone shocked and potentially sobbing, when I could just end the call and maintain some dignity.

I'd end it over the phone if I were you - state that whilst there's nothing wrong with him, the relationship isn't right for you and you're not going to change your mind.

Take the gift back. Don't try to be friends - doesn't work IME

In terms of the depth of feelings, I do know he likes me, he's made talks of future plans and events, I've met his family (this happened by surprise very early because we had to drop the dog off).

But I've kept myself at a distance, he's not met family, friends etc and I've made no mention of this happening.

He knows I have a gift for him so I do think i should give it to him... it's a voucher for my fav restaurant though so maybe I could just email it? God, it's that horrible?

@InAPickle12345 if I were him I wouldn't appreciate receiving that gift, even if I did know about it previously. It would feel like pity or a consolation prize - even if that's not how it was intended.

If I were you I'd enjoy the food voucher myself!

Forget the voucher, call him and tell him that it's just not working for you any more and you need to be single for a while. That's what I did, and I'm still resolutely single a year and a half later.

Okay, so if it was me, I'd prefer to be dumped
by text so maybe this IS the right route to take.

And noted about the personal development guff. I'll be as honest as I can without hurting him and just say that the situation isn't working for me anymore, life is very busy and I need to use the free time I have to recharge (he's aware that I'm very introverted and suffer with anxiety).

I'll draft a text later today and post it here to see what you all think.

Yes, this 😊 I passionately feel (from experience of being on the receiving end of this many times) that Id prefer to just be told the real bloody truth rather than some half hearted ‘work is busy’, it’s much easier to get closure then
good luck !

🥶 I am in exactly the same situation as you OP. Easier said than done, but there comes a time when your life is at a standstill and you’ll have a high level of discomfort until it’s done. I’ve been planning on ending mine for a while now as it’s not going anywhere and there is no future.

I’m definitely going to do it over the phone. I’d be happier with text to be honest as I don’t want a long pause or even more discomfort. No way would I do it in person as you don’t know how they’ll react.

💐

Don't put his feelings above yours, we are so conditioned to 'be nice' . You don't have to be rude or nasty obviously but you do need to be clear and direct, no ambiguity, just a straightforward, it's been nice knowing you but I don't feel as if it's working for me, I wish you well.

I have to say, a text after several months seems bad form to me, especially if you have been intimate. If you are big/old enough to start relationships then you should be adult enough to phone someone to end it. It doesn't need to be long.

God it's so awful isn't it, I should have ended this a couple of months ago too when I started feeling like this, I'm such an idiot.

When are you planning to finish your situation? I hope it goes okay for you.

Thinking something like this? Should I wait a day or two while he gets settled back into work and the New Year?

Suggestions for changes to my text below welcomed...

TEXT:
Hey 👋 Hope the return to work wasn’t too much of a shock to the system 🙈

There isn’t an easy way to say this but I think I’d like to be on my own for a bit, without any dating commitments. Xmas really showed me how much time I need by myself to keep my own life and head in order, and I don’t think it would be fair on you for us to continue when I’m not able to give very much of myself or my time.

I’ve had a really great time with you, and I hope you have too. I’d like to think we can still be friends but if that’s not something you want that’s completely fine.

I’m going to email your Xmas gift to you and I really hope you enjoy it. I have gifts for (dog’s name) as well and I can drop them to the door the next time I’m in (his hometown).

Funny enough, o don't think we've ever spoken on the phone! It's always text or in person. Would you not be concerned that by doing it on the phone you're catching people unaware and expecting them to react in the moment as opposed to giving them the opportunity to read a text and absorb the contents?

Ok so for me. I'd change it slightly. :)

don't say you think you want to be on your own, it gives him an opportunity to assume you only think it.