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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me to end things with this guy

203 replies

InAPickle12345 · 02/01/2024 12:48

Ugh, I just really don't want to face this and need some advice on how the end things.

Been seeing a guy since June. Things are casual, we go to events and dinners etc together but it's not serious, in my mind anyway. I hope it's the same for him.

The relationship is just kind of giving me the ick. I've another thread on here about his dog (love dogs but this one is badly behaved and treated like a child), sex isn't great and overall I just want to be on my own and this really came through over Xmas.

Unfortunately I made up some excuses about childcare and sickness to cancel any plans over Xmas and I'm just craving being on my own again. Don't want to have someone texting me every day or trying to make plans during my limited child free time.

But I want to finish this in a way that doesn't hurt him. He's very nice and heart in the right place, just not for me.

I have to meet him at some point as I've got a Xmas gift for him. Is it awful to give him his gift and finish with him at the same time? Is there a way I can phrase this that says 'it's not you, it's me and I'd like to just be friends'?

God I'm pathetic asking this on here but I just don't have the energy for this and need advice.

OP posts:
Lookingforbiscoff · 02/01/2024 18:41

I've also been dumped by text. The guy sent me a text and then blocked me before I could even reply. He then proceeded to tell me how attractive he thought my mom was and that he "couldn't imagine wanting to see me everyday

@Octowussy yikes - both of things are awful to say in a dumping text ! What relevance was his opinion on your mums looks??

How random and the bit about not wanting to see you everyday is very cruel! I mean you realise the person doesn't like you that much if they’re splitting up with you, no need for them to rub it in.

Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 02/01/2024 18:48

Okay, here it is...

Hey! Hope you had a good day? I’m disappointed that we are leaving things here but I’m not going to lie I thought this was coming the last few weeks. I really enjoyed getting to know you over the last while and had a lot of fun with you. I totally understand that (child's name) will always come first and I hope I always showed that.
The one thing I ask is that we don’t end on a text message. I still have a few bits that I got you for Christmas that I’d like you to have so if you fancied one more coffee over the weekend that would be great?

I think it's a nice message, I think I'm going to explain that I sent the text so as not to put him on the spot, thank him for being so understanding... I'm not sure about the coffee though.

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 02/01/2024 18:52

Nooooo
It's ended , you've given a clear boundary. Don't go and meet him. And don't take the presents off him.

GreigeO · 02/01/2024 18:55

Yeah, he just wants the chance to talk you round. I know that feeling of relief when you finally ended our relationship, and I think all that anxiety would come back if you knew you had to see him again so quickly.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 02/01/2024 18:55

absolutely do not go. Just reply that it's very kind of him and you really appreciate him being so nice but you don't think it's a good idea right now. leave it there

Lockupyourbiscuits · 02/01/2024 18:58

Nooooo
Dont be guilted into meeting up
Why do you have to grant him a last wish
You don’t owe that you have been honest and kind

Its not a long term relationship- put yourself first - it will be easier for him too

witte · 02/01/2024 19:17

Don't go. Nothing to be gained there.

I hope you didn't send the voucher btw. Not a snowballs chance in hell he will use it.

crochetmonkey74 · 02/01/2024 19:22

I think he's being weird about the gifts, if he's already done your main gift of the charity donation, whys he so desperate for you to have some socks, chocs perfume type little gifts, well into January and still wrapped in Christmas paper. It's weird. Do not go. You haven't been with him long enough to owe him a friendship

EveryOtherNameTaken · 02/01/2024 19:25

Forget the gift side of it. That seems a bit rubbing it in and may give him hope to change your mind.

Dotty87 · 02/01/2024 19:26

Yeah it sounds like he's trying to hoover you back in, you've made your position very clear.

I'd politely decline, he needs to get the message loud and clear and start moving on.

Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 02/01/2024 19:28

So my response was this: have suggested meeting in a hotel venue before an event I'm speaking at so will be in a very public place and my time will be limited to max 30mins because of finishing work and travel time.

Thanks for being so understanding, I really appreciate it. I didn’t really want to do this by text either, but I figured it was better than springing it in person, never really sure how these things might go.

I would like to stay friendly but let's leave it for this weekend, unless there’s something urgent? I’ll be over in (his hometown) on the 10th for an event in (venue) at 6.30, could meet before that if that suits?

OP posts:
Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 02/01/2024 19:30

I can hear the collective sigh of everyone on this thread that I've agreed to meet him (I'm sorry!) but I do think 6months deserves a final coffee and I've tried to offer what would be best for me in that it's a public place and there's a hard stop timewise

OP posts:
GreigeO · 02/01/2024 19:32

I think it’s great that you’ve gone for what’s best for you.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 02/01/2024 19:38

Well done OP. Deep breath and a drink 🍸

EveryOtherNameTaken · 02/01/2024 19:44

That's a great compromise.

crochetmonkey74 · 02/01/2024 19:49

Good compromise and if he has any pride he will get the message!

School99 · 02/01/2024 19:51

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 02/01/2024 14:19

The text is good but leave out the bit about the voucher and the present for the dog.
Just don't mention it and don't send the email voucher.
You wouldn't want a present from someone who's just dumped you.
If he comes back and mentions the present he's got for you just say "that's very kind but let's just leave things here"
Don't give him an in.
Then enjoy your meal in peace on the voucher to your fav restaurant!

This 100%
the gift thing would really piss me off but the rest is fine

crochetmonkey74 · 02/01/2024 19:52

I will argue about the '6 months deserves a coffee'thing.
I don't think there's any relationship that's 'deseves' anything you don't want to do (other than kids involved, etc etc)
I think it allows clingy people to not really let go. Also men feel less compelled to do it, so yet again it's women being coerced. BUT I am very aware of it after being involved with a toxic relationship so I could be hyper sensitive

School99 · 02/01/2024 19:56

InAPickle12345 · 02/01/2024 19:30

I can hear the collective sigh of everyone on this thread that I've agreed to meet him (I'm sorry!) but I do think 6months deserves a final coffee and I've tried to offer what would be best for me in that it's a public place and there's a hard stop timewise

I think you’re doing the right thing in the circumstances

sonjadog · 02/01/2024 20:29

I think it is fair enough to meet him for a coffee. Just make sure you stay firm if he wants to talk you around. But he sounds like a good guy, so why not leave it on a good note.

crochetmonkey74 · 02/01/2024 20:35

sonjadog · 02/01/2024 20:29

I think it is fair enough to meet him for a coffee. Just make sure you stay firm if he wants to talk you around. But he sounds like a good guy, so why not leave it on a good note.

She has left it on a good note already, on her own terms. He has no "fair enough" as she has already been fair

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 02/01/2024 20:49

GreigeO · 02/01/2024 18:55

Yeah, he just wants the chance to talk you round. I know that feeling of relief when you finally ended our relationship, and I think all that anxiety would come back if you knew you had to see him again so quickly.

No he doesn't sound like he wants to talk the OP round. He sounds thoughtful and mature. He also realises you're going to bump into each other for work so wants to end on a civilised note.

I'd meet him for one more coffee and give him the benefit of the doubt.

Wooloohooloo · 02/01/2024 20:56

I'd place bets on him trying to talk you round.

Olika · 02/01/2024 21:16

Have a coffee with him if it makes you feel better but please don't let him talk you around as you will just end up wasting another 6 months with him.

crochetmonkey74 · 02/01/2024 21:20

It's too much for me for a 6 month relationship where he knew the end was coming. I also can't imagine men saying to their male friends to do one more coffee with a woman they had finished with. Women are expected to be so much more biddable