Help me to end things with this guy

[InAPickle12345]

Ugh, I just really don't want to face this and need some advice on how the end things.

Been seeing a guy since June. Things are casual, we go to events and dinners etc together but it's not serious, in my mind anyway. I hope it's the same for him.

The relationship is just kind of giving me the ick. I've another thread on here about his dog (love dogs but this one is badly behaved and treated like a child), sex isn't great and overall I just want to be on my own and this really came through over Xmas.

Unfortunately I made up some excuses about childcare and sickness to cancel any plans over Xmas and I'm just craving being on my own again. Don't want to have someone texting me every day or trying to make plans during my limited child free time.

But I want to finish this in a way that doesn't hurt him. He's very nice and heart in the right place, just not for me.

I have to meet him at some point as I've got a Xmas gift for him. Is it awful to give him his gift and finish with him at the same time? Is there a way I can phrase this that says 'it's not you, it's me and I'd like to just be friends'?

God I'm pathetic asking this on here but I just don't have the energy for this and need advice.

@ToniTTtopaz @TooMuchRedMaybe okay, I completely see where you're both coming from and really, there is no need to drop the dog the gifts, don't know what I'm thinking really. He was with me when I bought the dog presents so he knows I just didn't get him anything, but it doesn't make sense to drop these off, for me or for him.

Sixth edit (how should I close it out in a nice way? 'Take care' seems a bit dismissive)

Hey 👋 Hope the return to work wasn’t too much of a shock to the system 🙈

There isn’t an easy way to say this, but this isn't working for me. Xmas really showed me how much time I need by myself to keep my own life and head in order, and it wouldn't be fair on either of us to continue.

This is genuinely all about me and not something you've done. I’ve had a really great time with you, and I hope you have too.

I’ve emailed your Xmas gift to you and I really do hope you enjoy it.

It’s too long.

He won’t respond afterwards anyway, so in my opinion it should read like-

Hi Barry

Happy New Year!

Loved spending time with you recently, but I’ve been thinking and it’s no longer something I can commit to.

Wishing you every happiness for 2024.

Jen x

And then block him. His dog doesn’t need a Christmas gift from you.

Ooooh that's so harsh @Catoo! Does my message really read that badly?

For context, we bonded over food, we both love food and everything about it, he's in the industry as well and this is a very high end (very expensive) restaurant and somewhere I love and he's really wanted to go.

I've taken out the bit about dropping dog gifts, it's not necessary, don't know what I was thinking.

Any suggestions for how I can avoid getting a harsh reply / bad feeling?

Honestly, I'd love if it were that simple but he's done nothing wrong really and blocking him seems to cold, I have to meet this guy again so I feel he deserves a bit more than just 'Hi, this isn't working. Take care'

Just say your child takes priority.
He sounds nice though. You could reconsider.

The problem with not being clear is that he’ll think there’s still an in. You’re saying you don’t want a relationship with him but then you’ve bought him an expensive gift voucher to a restaurant? Mixed messages.

Also, you’re not officially dating? If he met someone else would he be agonising over a text to you? Would he buy your dog a present?

Seriously, don’t send him the voucher.

It's just that he knows I bought him the voucher, I told him because I wasn't going to see him over Xmas.

We are dating, have been since June but there's been no conversation about being more serious, I.e. boyfriend/girlfriend labels. I think he would be agonising if the roles were reversed to be fair. He texts me every single day, we've been to weddings and birthdays of people close to him together, I've met the family etc so it's not like we've just had a few dates, I wouldn't be agonising so much myself if that was the case.

Sending him the voucher won’t make him think you are nice, it will just be a reminder that it was a romantic thing, that he now will not be doing with you. Most people would be tempted to send it back and tell you to stick it up your arse.

Please note that not one person on here has said that sending him the voucher would be a nice thing to do

It isn’t harsh, it is clear and leaves no room for misinterpretation. Your drafts are wishy washy and full of excuses that no doubt he will soon realise are just that. Just end it, no presents, no friends, no dog toys, just clarity. Sending the voucher is patronising, which actually the drafts were a bit anyway.

You can’t be liked by all the people all the time. Ending a relationship does not make you a bad person, but it might mean that the other person does not like you in the immediate aftermath.

That is fine, and normal.

I am sure by the time you bump into him work events, he will have got over it.

It’s only been six months and you describe it as casual, therefore I think a text along the lines of @StripeyDeckchair suggested wording is fine. Perhaps offer to discuss by phone if he wants more clarification but don’t allow him to talk you into keeping things going, your mind is made up.

Exactly this. You can't avoid bad feeling because no one likes being dumped.

If it were me on the receiving end of the message, 'nicer' and more flowery language dancing around the issue would just annoy me more. It feels patronizing - like 'awww I don't want you I'm sorry, but you really are so special (like how you talk to a child who's lost at sports day). Here's this expensive gift I bought you to make you feel better about losing me'. It doesn't matter what your intentions are, because I'm sure they're lovely - but that's how it might come across. I would delete the voucher if it were me.

He may fume for a little while but he'll get over it quickly enough - especially if you're just to the point with it

You need to state that even though he's a nice guy, you're incompatible/he's not right for you. Some blokes would take you saying you want to be on your own/it's not about him as a green flag to contact you again in a few months.

Hmmm, dunno, I feel like after 6 months he deserves more than the quiet brutal message @JoanMacIntosh drafted (although I greatly admire people able to be this blunt). I think your 6th draft, but remove the whole voucher bit. You don't need to send it, even if he knows about it. That really is a bit too doormat I think.

And you don't need to block unless you are going to have crippling anxiety about his response. Blocking is a perfectly valid act of self-preservation.

Miss out the bit about the return to work- who cares? You're dumping him, just keep straight to the point. It isn't a conversational text.

And exactly as @GreigeO says, he's allowed to be hurt it's over. You can't really prevent that. It's not a reflection on you.

Send your last draft op - it's fine. Some of the responses on here are unnecessarily harsh.

The most important thing is to send it ASAP- don't let this drag on any longer!

I would definitely leave out the return to work bit. How about:

"Hi. Sorry I've been quiet and cancelled plans over Christmas. I was burnt out and needed time by myself and with [my child]. It's highlighted that I'm not in the right place for a relationship and, lovely as our time together has been, I can't continue to keep dating you. I just don't have the capacity for a relationship right now. I don't know when that will change and I refuse to string you along. You're too nice for me to do that to you.

I still have the voucher I bought for your present, but I don't know whether it's weirder to keep it or send it bearing in mind I'm ending things between us. Would you use it if I emailed it to you?
I wish you all the best and have fond memories of our time together, hope you do too."

Edited: typo

@Backinthedress version is way better than mine.

I do think some of the replies on here are harsh though, he does deserve more than a blunt text, I'm as strong as they come when it comes to not being a people pleaser, but that doesn't mean being so blunt it's harsh. He's done nothing wrong, so I think a clear but nice message is perfectly fine.

Slight edit of one above

Hi. Sorry I've been quiet and cancelled plans over Christmas. I was burnt out and needed time by myself and with [my child]. It's highlighted that I'm not in the right place for a relationship right now, and lovely as you are, I don’t see a future between us.

I still have the voucher I bought for your present, and I don't know whether it's weirder to keep it or send it bearing in mind I'm ending things between us. Would you still like it?

All the best x

I wouldn't ask him if he still wants the voucher, it makes it a bit awkward for him to say either yes or no.

I agree, that personally I would send my message without the paragraph about the voucher, however, the voucher seems to be a real sticking point for the Op in terms of ending the relationship, and I think whatever she does the sooner it’s done the better!

Sorry, had to walk away for a bit, the couple of harsh messages just had me spiralling again.

Thank you so much @Backinthedress, agree with @ZeroFucksGivenToday that this message is much better than the one I had drafted. It makes it so it's not something he has done and this is just on me. He really is a very nice guy, his set up is just not for me and honestly, I need a bit more passion and excitement from the bedroom side of things, but this is obviously not something I'd ever try and explain. I will use this and I'll let you know the response.

I know I'm flipping useless but... we ye send this now in the middle of his work day, or wait until he is at home?