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Original poster

Help me to end things with this guy

203 replies

InAPickle12345 · 02/01/2024 12:48

Ugh, I just really don't want to face this and need some advice on how the end things.

Been seeing a guy since June. Things are casual, we go to events and dinners etc together but it's not serious, in my mind anyway. I hope it's the same for him.

The relationship is just kind of giving me the ick. I've another thread on here about his dog (love dogs but this one is badly behaved and treated like a child), sex isn't great and overall I just want to be on my own and this really came through over Xmas.

Unfortunately I made up some excuses about childcare and sickness to cancel any plans over Xmas and I'm just craving being on my own again. Don't want to have someone texting me every day or trying to make plans during my limited child free time.

But I want to finish this in a way that doesn't hurt him. He's very nice and heart in the right place, just not for me.

I have to meet him at some point as I've got a Xmas gift for him. Is it awful to give him his gift and finish with him at the same time? Is there a way I can phrase this that says 'it's not you, it's me and I'd like to just be friends'?

God I'm pathetic asking this on here but I just don't have the energy for this and need advice.

OP posts:
TooMuchRedMaybe · 02/01/2024 15:38

Send it early evening.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 02/01/2024 15:43

I disagree with most posters. A text is a really shitty way to break up with someone. I'm sorry but it is.

Surely you owe him the courtesy of a phone call. If you are old enough to date, you are old enough to break up with someone respectfully and with a bit of manners.

You can be fairly sure at least one more person will see the text also.

Backinthedress · 02/01/2024 15:45

I'd probably wait until you know he's going to be home. Noone wants to get emosh at work. It's embarrassing.
Good luck. And I agree with the edits immediately under my response - 'don't see a future for us' makes it clear that there's no point in him trying again later.

And I think he can reply to the voucher thing either way, can't he?
"Sorry, it'd be too uncomfortable to go without you" or "I still have a gift for you, so it would be nice to exchange gifts still".

It's actually easier to draft the refusal than the acceptance, but at least then it doesn't look like she's just trying to cop out of giving him the voucher when he already knows she's bought it.

Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 02/01/2024 15:49

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 02/01/2024 15:43

I disagree with most posters. A text is a really shitty way to break up with someone. I'm sorry but it is.

Surely you owe him the courtesy of a phone call. If you are old enough to date, you are old enough to break up with someone respectfully and with a bit of manners.

You can be fairly sure at least one more person will see the text also.

We've literally never spoken on the phone, it would probably be more weird if I rang him to tell him and then expect him to respond when I've essentially put him on the spot no?

I agree that I have always thought break ups should be done in person, but honestly, if it was me, I'd prefer to receive a text and have time to absorb the information and respond properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 02/01/2024 15:53

Backinthedress · 02/01/2024 15:45

I'd probably wait until you know he's going to be home. Noone wants to get emosh at work. It's embarrassing.
Good luck. And I agree with the edits immediately under my response - 'don't see a future for us' makes it clear that there's no point in him trying again later.

And I think he can reply to the voucher thing either way, can't he?
"Sorry, it'd be too uncomfortable to go without you" or "I still have a gift for you, so it would be nice to exchange gifts still".

It's actually easier to draft the refusal than the acceptance, but at least then it doesn't look like she's just trying to cop out of giving him the voucher when he already knows she's bought it.

Thanks @Backinthedress, really appreciate it. And yes, I think that the voucher should be offered. He knows I have it and he can easily tell me to keep it if he doesn't want it.

He made a donation to a charity on my behalf as my Xmas gift, he said he has bits to give me in person but I assume these are stocking type gifts that aren't necessary to give to me. I do want him to know that I did genuinely get him a gift and this isn't some immature cop out of buying him a gift.

I'll wait til 6.30 or so to send the message and will let you all know how it goes down x Thanks a million all, I would have made a total mess of this without ye.

OP posts:
TooMuchRedMaybe · 02/01/2024 15:53

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 02/01/2024 15:43

I disagree with most posters. A text is a really shitty way to break up with someone. I'm sorry but it is.

Surely you owe him the courtesy of a phone call. If you are old enough to date, you are old enough to break up with someone respectfully and with a bit of manners.

You can be fairly sure at least one more person will see the text also.

I don't agree with this at all. I'm currently on the dating scene and would not prefer a phone call at all, even worse meeting in person just to be told they don't want to see you. It hasn't got anything to do with being old enough (I'm mid-40s), I just prefer to digest these types of things in private then I can respond when I feel like I have thought it through a bit and rationalised my thoughts a bit. If anything it's quite respectful not putting him on the spot.

Whiskerson · 02/01/2024 16:08

Honestly, if it was up to me, I would love to just send a text and say this isn't working

Just popping in to say - it is up to you! Who else would it be up to? You can't dump a man by committee, and you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

crochetmonkey74 · 02/01/2024 16:18

Text is fine, I prefer it to a call. But I think giving the present is strange.
If I got a voucher from someone who I broke up with,I wouldn't use it.

Perimama · 02/01/2024 16:27

Text is fine. Phone call would be so awkward for both people. How do you react to someone saying they don't want to see you anymore....At least by text you can process it in your own time.

crochetmonkey74 · 02/01/2024 16:28

Also, I would just send it, not wait for an arbitrary time like 6.30

AuntySueDoesntGiveAShit · 02/01/2024 16:35

Re the voucher, could you add something like ' I've bought you a voucher and would still like you to have it'

Lookingforbiscoff · 02/01/2024 16:40

I agree with pp, it’s fine to end things by text.

I sort of tried to end it with one guy in his car and he began crying when he realised. We had only been seeing each other for a few months so I didn’t expect it and felt awful.

I wanted to go into a cafe and talk more but he didn’t want to be walking around with a tear stained face and just wanted to get back home.

I agreed to give it another go, but a few weeks later when I decided it really wasn’t working I figured it was kinder for both of us for me to send a break up text him rather than doing it in person when we meet up.

I just told him we weren’t working out but that I’d had a lovely time with him and wished him all the best.

Good luck with sending the text OP, the only thing I’d say is if you have got the ick with him in particular as opposed to just gone off dating in general, you should be clear that you’re not working out, instead of saying you’re not ready for a relationship.

TheCurlyKnobhead · 02/01/2024 16:42

Forget about the bloody voucher, I, like another poster, would tell you to stick it up your arse

Octowussy · 02/01/2024 16:45

I just wanted to share my experience. I've dumped someone by text (dating a year and a half) because I knew that they would react badly (shouting and arguing) it was already a toxic relationship and so I had to put my feelings first which meant ending things by text in order to keep distance and prevent being shouted/swore at. It took a weight off of my shoulders once I'd sent the text.

I've also been dumped by text. The guy sent me a text and then blocked me before I could even reply. He then proceeded to tell me how attractive he thought my mom was and that he "couldn't imagine wanting to see me everyday".

You just need a good balance, a "soft" but truthful approach.

Whatadayyyy · 02/01/2024 17:02

I think you are massively over thinking it at this stage. I was in a similar situation and was the same, felt sick at the thought but ended up just typing the message and hitting send before I could think about it any more. The relief I felt as soon as I sent it was immense. Type it and send, then put your phone in another room and take a breath

Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 02/01/2024 17:08

TheCurlyKnobhead · 02/01/2024 16:42

Forget about the bloody voucher, I, like another poster, would tell you to stick it up your arse

Again, I think your message is a bit harsh. I'm a nice person and things have been nice between us, there's been no fallout as such and I do genuinely want him to use and enjoy it, he's wanted to go for ages. Maybe he will tell me to shove it up my arse, but I doubt it because he's also a nice person.

OP posts:
Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 02/01/2024 17:10

Whatadayyyy · 02/01/2024 17:02

I think you are massively over thinking it at this stage. I was in a similar situation and was the same, felt sick at the thought but ended up just typing the message and hitting send before I could think about it any more. The relief I felt as soon as I sent it was immense. Type it and send, then put your phone in another room and take a breath

Oh, I KNOW I'm massively overthinking this @Whatadayyyy!!! I have diagnosed anxiety and I do struggle with any kind of confrontation but you're 100% right... I have the message typed, I'm going to send it at 5.30 and then put my phone on DND. I know I'll feel better when it's done, it's just the thought of doing it.

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 02/01/2024 17:11

InAPickle12345 · 02/01/2024 17:08

Again, I think your message is a bit harsh. I'm a nice person and things have been nice between us, there's been no fallout as such and I do genuinely want him to use and enjoy it, he's wanted to go for ages. Maybe he will tell me to shove it up my arse, but I doubt it because he's also a nice person.

Show quote history

He might not tell you to show it up your arse but I think he's unlikely to use it.
I know I wouldn't be able to. Not because I would be desperately upset (if you've only been seeing him a few months) but because it seems a little odd.

Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 02/01/2024 17:11

Octowussy · 02/01/2024 16:45

I just wanted to share my experience. I've dumped someone by text (dating a year and a half) because I knew that they would react badly (shouting and arguing) it was already a toxic relationship and so I had to put my feelings first which meant ending things by text in order to keep distance and prevent being shouted/swore at. It took a weight off of my shoulders once I'd sent the text.

I've also been dumped by text. The guy sent me a text and then blocked me before I could even reply. He then proceeded to tell me how attractive he thought my mom was and that he "couldn't imagine wanting to see me everyday".

You just need a good balance, a "soft" but truthful approach.

Crikey @Octowussy both of those men sound awful... what the hell was with the guy Pershing on your mom and the comment about not wanting to see you everyday. Totally unnecessary and the actions of a bruised ego I imagine...

OP posts:
hangingonfordearlife1 · 02/01/2024 17:13

i just wouldn't mention any christmas presents. wether he knew about it or not he isn't likely to want to use a voucher after being dumped.

Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 02/01/2024 17:14

Lookingforbiscoff · 02/01/2024 16:40

I agree with pp, it’s fine to end things by text.

I sort of tried to end it with one guy in his car and he began crying when he realised. We had only been seeing each other for a few months so I didn’t expect it and felt awful.

I wanted to go into a cafe and talk more but he didn’t want to be walking around with a tear stained face and just wanted to get back home.

I agreed to give it another go, but a few weeks later when I decided it really wasn’t working I figured it was kinder for both of us for me to send a break up text him rather than doing it in person when we meet up.

I just told him we weren’t working out but that I’d had a lovely time with him and wished him all the best.

Good luck with sending the text OP, the only thing I’d say is if you have got the ick with him in particular as opposed to just gone off dating in general, you should be clear that you’re not working out, instead of saying you’re not ready for a relationship.

This is the kind of situation I just couldn't put myself in, I don't know if he's going to be upset, I really hope he won't be. But the thought of having to have the conversation face to face just seems so awkward for both people and leaves a people pleaser like me open to being talked out of my decision.

Some people may not agree, but I think in this situation a text is actually the right way to go for both parties.

OP posts:
Ruby0707 · 02/01/2024 17:14

You could do what I did in this situation and send a message asking to meet up as you "need to talk"

He will know what means and will be able to then decide if he wants to meet to have that talk or not...mine didn't and I then explained my reasons by text.

That was it done, I felt like a weight had been lifted. Get it done and enjoy your life :-)

Tippexy · 02/01/2024 17:18

Catoo · 02/01/2024 13:55

Why would he want a voucher to your favourite restaurant?

Will his dog care if it doesn’t get your present?

Just let the man go.

Exactly this! OP is utterly bonkers!!

Tippexy · 02/01/2024 17:19

TheCurlyKnobhead · 02/01/2024 16:42

Forget about the bloody voucher, I, like another poster, would tell you to stick it up your arse

No matter how many posters tell her she is being ridiculous for insisting on giving him the voucher, she is determined to send it to him. Seemingly no self awareness!

whatchagonnado · 02/01/2024 17:20

I'd just send it and get it over and done with now. No further procrastination...