Help me to end things with this guy

[InAPickle12345]

Ugh, I just really don't want to face this and need some advice on how the end things.

Been seeing a guy since June. Things are casual, we go to events and dinners etc together but it's not serious, in my mind anyway. I hope it's the same for him.

The relationship is just kind of giving me the ick. I've another thread on here about his dog (love dogs but this one is badly behaved and treated like a child), sex isn't great and overall I just want to be on my own and this really came through over Xmas.

Unfortunately I made up some excuses about childcare and sickness to cancel any plans over Xmas and I'm just craving being on my own again. Don't want to have someone texting me every day or trying to make plans during my limited child free time.

But I want to finish this in a way that doesn't hurt him. He's very nice and heart in the right place, just not for me.

I have to meet him at some point as I've got a Xmas gift for him. Is it awful to give him his gift and finish with him at the same time? Is there a way I can phrase this that says 'it's not you, it's me and I'd like to just be friends'?

God I'm pathetic asking this on here but I just don't have the energy for this and need advice.

Haha, no not a blindfold 😂 I was considering getting a licky mat and peanut butter or a snuffle toy that would keep him entertained for a bit. Had suggested this to the guy months ago as a means of entertaining him for a bit before bed so we could DTD before sleep. BUT, I figured if the guy really wanted sex with me then he would have done this himself when I mentioned it, so I just got some balls and treats 🤷‍♀️

You sound like a lovely person OP. A note of caution though…. I’m described as ‘a lovely person’ and it came back to bite me in a situation like yours…

Was with someone for a year. Realised it wasn’t working for me so I sensitively ended it (text then F2F). He became unbearably clingy, hanging onto hope which wasn’t there. I’d ended it around Christmas, and he turned up with Christmas presents in the new year, leaving them on my step. He sent letters, texts, social media messages. He took me having said “maybe in the future we can be friends” (we were part of the same hobby club) as Green-light to continue with constant contact with me.

I had to get much firmer with him than I’d have liked (it went against all my values).

This went on intermittently for 4 YEARS…. Every few months he pops up again, having got round my blocks with new email addresses or new means… and says a version of: “but you said we could be friends, and it’s been 2/3/4 years now so we can be friends right?”

I sent him a final email with basically a Ceast & Desist message (threatening police action) if he ever contacts me or comes near me…. I’m really hoping this works….

Now, I’m not suggesting for a moment that your chap is as batshit crazy as mine, but…. My situation has taught me to never promise potential friendship in future, to never give any leeway at all that the door may remain ajar and to never say ‘it’s not you it’s me’ (as that’s like catnip for someone who decides they want you back). I’ve gone from being a really sensitive kind soul who didn’t want to let him down, to having rock solid boundaries about my right to say no. So I guess I’m just sharing my benefit of hindsight here and saying be careful going forwards…. Don’t get pulled into any text exchanges etc…..

Hope it all pans out ok when you meet in a few months, but don’t feel bad if you decide in thr meantime that no longer works for you 💐

@MuckyPlucky Thanks so much for sharing, 4 years is just insane, the guy basically turned into a stalker, how flipping unnerving to get to the point of having to threaten police, I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I've actually agreed to meet next Wed evening for 30mins in a hotel which I'm attending an event in. I'll definitely update the thread for anyone who kindly have me their time and is interested.

I think the 'nice person' in me would always love to think I can be friends with people I've dated but the more I think about it, the more I'm fooling myself really. Anyone I've met up with 'as friends' afterwards has always tried to get into my pants again so I'm not sure why I think this is gonna be any different to be honest.

I think given he's been nice thus far, and 6months isn't an insignificant amount of time, I'll meet him next week for whatever closure he might need but make it clear that this will not be a regular thing. When we bump into each other at work events, I'm happy to chat but that we won't be organising any 1 on 1 friends meet ups. Any sign of him trying to push that, I'll just push back harder and block if necessary.

Thanks again for sharing @MuckyPlucky and I'll update again next week x

Yeah the friend thing is something that has been sold to women as the right thing to do, but men don't get this pressure.
Actually, it just puts women in danger - and muddies the water for men who can't or won't honour womens boundaries

It definitely has been sold to us that way @crochetmonkey74 and I need to get out of that frame of mind, it's such a people pleaser thing that's ingrained in me, and likely many other women. Whereas most men will dump, or ghost, or block and not give a second thought to a woman's feelings.

I was thinking of it just being a nice coffee but I think I'll actually try and outline why it's not worked for me. Not sure if you read my other thread from October but I'm gonna tell him about my issues with him not coming to the event when I went through huge effort and expense for ALL of his, the lack of concern when I had my panic attack and obviously the dog. Hopefully that'll leave him in no doubt that this wasn't and will never be for me.

NO. Do not do this. He will offer to address your concerns and make promises to do better, to reel you back in.

He is at heart selfish and self obsessed. This type latch on to people pleasing women and are reluctant to let go. Any alteration in his behaviour would be short lived, and he would soon become resentful of HAVING to consider your wants and needs.

Leave it be.

I'm saying this really gently, and the caveat is I'm very strident with toxic men now having been very burnt. But I think you're giving him way too much headspace and power

You were only with him 6 months, neither of you were that bothered you've given him your decision and he's accepted it. I think talking him through his shortcomings Is not necessary. 1. He's not that bothered about the split 2. It gives him a way to say "if I changed and didn't do xyz again, could we reconnect?
I think you've stated the intention to split. Leave it there

Ha! cross posted,crochet! yes waaaaay too much headspace and power for a 6 month thing.

I agree that you don't need to give him reasons for this. It is suggesting that there is potential for the future and also you are making yourself responsible for his personal growth. You broke up, he isn't your responsibility. Stick to friendly chat and have an aim to creating a pleasant atmosphere so that when you meet at work it won't be awkward. That should be the aim of this meeting. Not a heart to heart about why this relationship didn't work for you.

Christ I'm so awful at this stuff... okay, I won't get into it. If he specifically asks me why it's ended, should I be honest or just brush it off?

Say its just not working for me and change the subject. Talk about work and leave asap but with a pleasant bye!

I would be honest, if you try to spare his feelings too much and go for the "it's me" angle he will think he's perfect and you just need time.

Don't be friends, I wouldn't even meet him but you seem determined to do that.

This is coming from experience btw, with a male "friend" who would not take no for an answer.

I kept being nice and polite as a people pleaser, when I should have been blunt and left zero ambiguity for him to latch onto.

It was stalking, and from such a "nice guy" too.

I'm older and more experienced now, and have learned to put myself first a hell of a lot more.

I'd be very tempted to on the day of the coffee have an emergency " oh hi Mark, god can you believe it my log in won't work, my PowerPoint won't load. Rush about, then at the last five mins say ahh sorry about our coffee, all ok? Great see you soon!" Be smily, breezy and he will get the message. Avoid all approaches for another meet.

If he asks, fudge over the details but make it clear you're not both on the same wavelength/not compatible.

He's not likely to push it but if he does, just say - it's over, we don't sing from the same page, gotta go, bye.

🥶 OP you did the hard part ie communicated that it was over. You’re on the other side now, but because you still have this ‘coffee meet in a hotel’ you’ve not made a clean break and that will loom over you. Just cancel that and say - you’d prefer not to, having slept on it and that you want a ‘clean break’ then just go silent. Let him send a few messages. Ignore if they turn mean and then you can justifiably block him. That’s the usual pattern of being ignored.

When you end things it’s totally normal to feel like the bad guy, but you got the result you wanted: him out of your life 😅

I am the reverse of you: I am not a people pleaser at all - especially where men are concerned. But I’m in my forties and have learned the hard way!! Good boundaries is the secret to successful and honest relationships.

Any way - go off and finish what you started ie the breakup. You’ll feel a whole lot better free of the shackles of meeting up later this month.

Got to go as …. my soon to be ex boyfriend is literally due in 5 😭 As well as missing work keys I remembered I owe him £1k so need to give him that, take his dog off his hands (hopefully) 😬 So wanted to do it via text!!!!

Please stop giving this so much head space. Cancel the meet up and move on with your life.

Hope all goes ok if you do meet but I don’t think you need to explain yourself much more if he asks you to x

Just an update for anyone that's interested. Met him this evening for about 45 mins. Had a chat about work and our animals, exchanged gifts and that was that. No conversation about us or what happened or anything like that thank goodness.

Glad we met to be honest because I know when we come across each other again it won't be awkward.

Thanks so much again for everyone that helped me with this hurdle, your time and input is much appreciated and made the whole thing that little bit easier x

If he suspected for weeks, hopefully that explains the 'donation to charity' as your present - such a lame 'gift' that's not a gift at all really.

@Opentooffers oh, I don't know, could be worse...
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4982152-presents-that-are-more-hassle-than-fun
😁
Great update op. Best possible outcome. 👌

Haha, the gift was exactly what I asked for! I asked all my family and friends to make a donation to one of two charities on my behalf this year in lieu of presents this year. He gave me some lovely stocking filler type gifts yesterday for me and my animals.

Glad it went well! I think it is a bit different dumping someone you will never see again from someone you will come across at work, so blocking was just going to end up causing awkward situations at work. Hopefully now you can have a pleasant atmosphere when you meet.

Awww really pleased for you OP. He sounds like a nice guy albeit a bit lazy/lacking in thought but it’s great that you could end on a friendly note.

Thank you! And yes, really happy with how things were left now, as @sonjadog mentioned, it's a different situation sometimes when you know you'll have to meet the person again, particularly in a professional capacity so I think I (or WE 😅) took the right approach!
Thanks so much again and hope everyone's year has gotten off to a great start! X

Also wondering about you @Symphony830 hope you got your keys back and settled money owed and you were able to cut ties without too much stress?