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Original poster

Fiancé just told me he no longer wants to get married?

464 replies

LittleCactus · 01/01/2024 21:40

I'm so confused. Been engaged 4 years (to the day, in fact) and he. Just told me he doesn't want to get married a anymore. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot. He still wants to be with me, apparently, but not as a married couple. I love the idea of marriage and have always envisioned myself being someone's wife.
What would you do?

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 01/01/2024 21:42

How old are you both?

Kimmeridge · 01/01/2024 21:43

That depends. What's more important to you, being married or being with him. I know for some people not being married would be a deal breaker but conversely lots of people live very happily unmarried

RowanMayfair · 01/01/2024 21:43

The fact you've been engaged for 4 years without arranging a wedding should have given you a clue surely? How does that come about?
if marriage is important to you and he has previously agreed that he would marry you I wouldn't be happy with the changing of the goalposts.

dastidlydaschel · 01/01/2024 21:43

Does he not want to be married or does he not want to spend a lot on a big wedding? Two different things. Would he want to get married if you had a small civil ceremony and no big party? I kind of get that. We spent a huge amount on our wedding, don't get me wrong, it was a fantastic day, but if I had my time again I would've done it very differently, very small and saved myself about £20k!

MummytoAAandX · 01/01/2024 21:43

Does he not want to get married or not want a big expensive wedding? What about a small, intimate wedding? Would you both be happy with that?

Christmastreestillinonepiece · 01/01/2024 21:44

Does his decision impact other decisions like mortgage or dc?

Dacadactyl · 01/01/2024 21:44

Well this would piss me off no end and I'd dump him.

Also, I don't think anyone is actually engaged until they've set a date and are actively planning a wedding. Someone asking you to get married and then doing no planning is just empty words.

ChanelNo19EDT · 01/01/2024 21:46

I'd be so pissed off. Somebody who loves you doesn't behave like that.

Boomboom22 · 01/01/2024 21:46

That's a weirdly long engagement, usually don't you get engaged then book the date?
I did, but had a tiny baby so for 1.5 years away, had I not been would've been within the year.

Desecratedcoconut · 01/01/2024 21:47

A four year engagement is miserable as it is. If someone isn't enthusiastic about getting married I don't know why they bother to get engaged in the first place. Fwiw, I'd cut and run.

Kinneddar · 01/01/2024 21:48

You've been engaged 4 years & not set a date? It doesn't sound as if you're bothered either. Most people start planning and looking at dates when they get engaged.

Could he think you're not fussed either

Scrantonicity2 · 01/01/2024 21:50

You need to think about practical considerations that marriage would bring, or not if you don't. E.g. If you bring kids into the equation or live together then split up.

Grimbelina · 01/01/2024 21:51

He doesn't want to marry you... but he might want to marry someone else (and may well do). As PPs say 4 years is a very long engagement which tells you something. You haven't said your age, but you would be wise to cut your losses and move on, especially if you want children. It's painful but knowing where you stand is very important.

gamerchick · 01/01/2024 21:52

He's told you now. You have to make a choice OP. He's wasted 4 years of your life.

ElevenSeven · 01/01/2024 21:53

I was with someone for 12 years… nothing. DH and I got together and in less than two years we were married and pregnant.

If he wanted to, he would have, sorry.

FreezyFord · 01/01/2024 21:53

I’d end it with him. It’s just not meant to be

auntyElle · 01/01/2024 21:54

"Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot."

Surely this is the end of any relationship? Especially after a four-year engagement.

HopeFloatsAbove · 01/01/2024 21:55

For me that would be a deal breaker.

One thing wanting a small wedding or non at all if he is claiming its due to faff and expenses. Sounds like a cop out to me.
What about your legal rights if you decide to have children? That is if you do not already. Property and so forth. Sounds like he wants all the benefits that come with you but not tie the knot with you.

newoldfluff · 01/01/2024 21:55

Walk away. This is the end.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2024 21:56

4 years of stringing you along.

Dump him. I BET he marries someone else at some point.

Original poster
LittleCactus · 01/01/2024 21:59

4 years is a long time I'll admit but lots of things happened 2020-2023 that made us put it off. Within the last year or so there has been no reason not to, and I've been trying to get him to discuss it and book a date but he's always just kind of changed the subject so that should have given me some clue.
We have one child and we live in a house together that only he is on the mortgage for yet I have paid a lot into. Marriage would probably change my rights to the house so maybe it could be to do with that.
Lots to think about 😢

OP posts:
newoldfluff · 01/01/2024 22:00

Doesn't matter about the mortgage who's name is on the deeds?

newoldfluff · 01/01/2024 22:00

Your poor kid :(

Original poster
LittleCactus · 01/01/2024 22:00

He owns the house, he's on the deeds. I basically have 0 rights to it!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 01/01/2024 22:01

The engagement was a way to keep you invested in a relationship that had no future.

I'd dump him.

Don't get sucked in by the sunk costs fallacy (i.e. "I've spent so many years at this that there must surely be a way to keep it going - it would be a complete waste of X years to end the relationship now.")

He doesn't want to get married. He has decided you're the kind of mug who will keep on waiting for him to change his mind, while he benefits from your company, your financial contribution to his life, sex, cooking, etc. He feels confident enough that you'll still hang around that he has now told you youncant expect a commitment from him.

Don't be that mug.