Fiancé just told me he no longer wants to get married?

[LittleCactus]

I'm so confused. Been engaged 4 years (to the day, in fact) and he. Just told me he doesn't want to get married a anymore. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot. He still wants to be with me, apparently, but not as a married couple. I love the idea of marriage and have always envisioned myself being someone's wife.
What would you do?

Yes, was 50/50

Ohhh OP....ermm... So summarising, you've given up work, gone part time and sacrificed all potential home security by paying into his mortgage rather than insisting 50/50 or saving for your own deposit. please please tell me he pays the same percentage of his earnings into joint expenses as you? that would include childcare and all your child's needs.You need to play a long game here. Play nice but get yourself on the mortgage and/or stop paying childcare. Go full time and prioritise your earnings, get 'dp' to step up with childcare or paying for it. He's not ever going to marry you but you need to secure your financial future as you currently have no rights and you've sacrificed your earning potential.

It also sounds like you've dialed back your career for the best interests of the 'family' ... that doesn't really exist as you're not protected in your family. Part time work, maternity leave with lower pay, all mean you're taking a hit-pension wise. And I bet your job is the 'flexible' one to sort your mutual child's schedule/appointments/sick days and you do the heavy lifting at home.

While he sits back and watches his equity rise in his home.

Can anyone be put on the deeds? Does it not matter about employment?
Because at the time of purchasing I think we may have been confused/misinformed that I couldn't be on the deeds because of my temporary contract (the reason I'm not on the mortgage)

I've just asked him what would happen if we split and he said he would 'obviously' give me back what I've paid in, to protect myself and our DC. I do actually believe him but also know I need to protect myself properly, in case he changes his mind.

Be honest and say that marriage is a deal breaker. Remind him that you accepted his proposal to be married. Thus, you are engaged to be married.
Would he want to marry if the ceremony were to be simple, with just your closest family and friends and followed with a not too expensive celebration? Is it the type of wedding he apposes or that he doesn't want to be married to you?

That is am important detail to clarify.

If he doesn't want to marry you at all, I would be telling him that you will be seeking legal advice as to how best to proceed with a separation. Do that and move on..

Yep ☹️

It looks like he's cleverly strung her along for four years, while she subsidised his mortgage and saved him thousands in childcare costs, having taken him at his word that they would marry.

OP he has played you. Your contribution in terms of time and money has been stolen from you by a man who claims to love you.

Stop paying into the mortgage. Tell him if he doesn't marry you you're done throwing good money after bad. Get a full time job or start invoicing him for the childcare you're providing.

What a joke of a man.

And WHOSE BABY were you looking after when you stopped working and paying into the house? Whose baby has prevented you from paying an equal sum into the house? How much money did you save the family by staying at home instead of working full-time and forking out massive sums in nursery fees?

I would honestly consider this a deal-breaker and tell him you're out. Seek legal advice on getting what you've paid into the mortgage back for you and your child.

What are you confused about? He has been engaged for a long time, now to the day, he says m, actually after all this time and you contributing and birthing us a child, no. You answered your confusion very succinctly when you said
"He owns the house, he's on the deeds. I basically have 0 rights to it!".

He does not want his asset to become a marital asset. He does not care about your /child's security, your feelings. How else is he financially/emotionally controlling?

Go and get some legal advice before you decide what to do.

I am so sorry you're going through this. You wanted to marry this man and he's taking you for granted. But he clearly hasn't thought it through....
I'm pretty sure he doesn't know his way around child maintenance rates......... It sounds like there might need to be a power shift here. Knowledge is power. Find out what your options are and don't do anything rash until you've had time to mull over it all.

Cherchez la femme.

Well, just go back to work full time and pay childcare 50/50 for a start. You're in no position to be part time, OP. You need to maintain your independence.

Sounds like you trusted him enough not to look out for yourself.

I wouldn't believe him for one second about him 'obviously' returning the money you put in. What men are theoretically willing to do for women while the relationship is in tact is VERY different to what they will do during a split, particularly an acrimonious one.

At best he'll probably calculate 'your' share in way that massively benefits him (eg the dollar amount you put in, not adjusting for inflation or a percentage of the increased equity in the home or the interest you saved him).

He’s led you a proper dance here.
DH and I were not married but did have DD and were engaged when we bought our house. I was a student on mat leave and was still on the deeds and a joint mortgage holder. It’s totally possible.
we both made sure we had sufficient life insurance and made wills “in expectation of marriage” to ensure me, DH, DD and DSC would be well provided for if DH or I died.
please get some legal advice and get on the house deeds if at all possible.

Aside from financial matters, are you happy together? Does it feel like a happy family relationship that will last? Are you both emotionally invested in a future together?

If you have a child under 18 I think you can insist on staying in house if you split? Something like that rather than him telling you he'd give you back what you put in

Why? What's wrong with the child?

OP you need to be smart about your next move and think. Do not give him any ultimatums about marriage until you have sought legal advice about your financial position. Make sure you reference all payments to the joint account as "mortgage payment" from now on. Once you've had some legal advice then have a think about what you want to do. Good luck OP 💐

OK paying 50/50 for 2 year would actually be easily proved on a joint statement from that time so I would download those and keep safe. I'm sure I've learned from mumsnet that it is very unlikely an unmarried partner can prove a stake in the house so whilst a free 30 minute consultation doesn't hurt with a solicitor I wouldn't get your hopes up.

My advice instead would be to now safeguard yourself. Prior to being part time agency do you have a career role you can return to? Your baby is 1 year old you've not been out of the work force long enough to have lost skill.

Is DP employed or self employed in the event of a spilt this would affect CRM?

With the exception of the house situation is everything else fair? Do you pay for babies things from the joint or your personal. If from your personal change this habit immediately, the same for anyone household bills that are randomly in your name although again that could be proof of a stake and that your not just a lodger.

Eventually your going to have a straight forward conversation on the fact he trusts you enough to be the mother of his child but not marry you. A conversation like that is only going to end positively with you either on the house or down the registry office or the quick or slow decline of your relationship.

Obviously he's not emotionally invested, he's breaking a significant promise to her because he wants to solely retain an asset they've both contributed to in the case of a split.

Stop paying towards it right now!

I'd get legal advice before stopping paying anything in case affects rights to house you have. May not affect it but knowledge is power as others have said.

Get ducks in a row.

He is calculating. Doesn't sound like he's done anything here by mistake.

That would hurt me. That's he shafted me. He's shown his true colours here. Hit 'em where it hurts - his wallet

Oh dear.

He can put you on the deeds without the mortgage.
Say it’s that or a no frills registry office or you know he’s planning to leave you one day and you need to start saving for that if he wants you and your child homeless.