Fiancé just told me he no longer wants to get married?

[LittleCactus]

I'm so confused. Been engaged 4 years (to the day, in fact) and he. Just told me he doesn't want to get married a anymore. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot. He still wants to be with me, apparently, but not as a married couple. I love the idea of marriage and have always envisioned myself being someone's wife.
What would you do?

Where on earth have you got that information from?
Of course you can be on the deeds, op. Entirely different to financing a loan.

@LittleCactus

Regardless of your longer term feelings after him back tracking, take him at his word and marry him asap to secure your financial position.
You have discovered just how vulnerable you are, and are in a position to change that.
Do it now.
He quite possibly is just having cold feet about the expensive big white wedding, but you NEED that marriage certificate.

There are posts on here that make me feel like falling to my knees in thanks that I managed to have long term relationships with two financially honest, decent men who actually wanted us to be equal. First, we married after YEARS but everything was in joint names (widowed) and second married after a very short engagement, ditto joint names.

OP, seriously, don't accept anything less. If they jib at a fair situation they are not good people. You have his child, you have contributed, he is not Elon Musk who you met yesterday protecting what he's earned himself.

Yes, been lucky too. But i am also ruthless so had no issues issuing my adios without even spending a second in the company of these losers. have always had a demanding job, so i naturally had no time to waste.

And he said?

If he says yes get it done

And then consider the simple 'just the two of you' wedding

@PoppyFleur she needs to get married to get an equal share of their/his financial position. They bought the house together, only that he didn't put her on the deeds so she should have a share, it should be her right. She gave up full time work to give childcare so presumable she hasn't saved much.

At the end of the day, she loves him and they have a child together. If he marries her, It is worth it to try to rebuild their relationship. This is only my point of view, same as everyone shares theirs even if you don't agree.

He's met someone.

Ok, until you are legally married, go back to work full time, you and DP share the childcare costs proportional to your salary.

This is not going to be popular, but do a list of jobs around the house 50:50. Anything not done by him is covered by hiring a cleaner which he pays for.

Go out once a week for a gym class and a swim. Make time for yourself and get yourself regular treats like hair cut or nice clothes. You are a girlfriend, not a wife.

He is responsible for birthdays and other special occasions for his side of the family and you sort out your family.

illness of child is shared 50-50.

any further children born until you are married, have his name as a middle name and yours as a surname.

take off your engagement ring until you and DP have fixed a date for your wedding.

be hard now. This is the last time he messes you around. If he complains, smile and remind him that he had it good for 4 years.

Perhaps pay an amount towards what the rent would be to live in your DP’s house?

Would you like to back that up with any evidence? Any at all?

I’m in 100% agreement with you which is why I quoted your original post!

@LittleCactus please come back and tell us what happened

Wow, never expected such a response!

1. I asked to be out on the deeds and questioned why this wasn't already done. Didn't really get a proper answer and I said he needs to organise it. He will look into it on his day off (today, so we'll see if that happens)

2. He has asked me 3 times now since I made this post when I want to get married. I have read all of your advice and I know that it would be the sensible thing to do, but

3. I've been having doubts about the relationship for a while now regardless of all of this. Him saying what he said about getting married just made me feel this even more. We had a big talk and I can tell he's worried he'll lose me as he's been making a real attempt to be better at the things I told him I need him to be better at. Don't know how long this will actually last though and...I'm still not on the bloody deeds. I want him to put me on the deeds first and foremost before discussing our future and any marriages that might happen.

4. I do have savings (inheritance) that I was going to use to extend the house but that will not!!!!! Be happening until I have my name on those deeds or a wedding ring on my finger. Ha. Speaking of rings, my engagement ring has been sitting on my bedside table for two days

5. I have the option of going full time but I really treasure the time I have with our DD. Might just go my hours to one more day? Not sure

@LittleCactus I do have savings (inheritance) that I was going to use to extend the house but that will not!!!!! Be happening until I have my name on those deeds or a wedding ring on my finger.

Do not use your inheritance on the house UNTIL you are on the deeds. The wedding doesn't matter as much as your name on the deeds. If you married, used your inheritance on the house and then you got divorced soon after, I am not sure if you'd get what you have put into the house back.

It's good you are giving it all some serious thought. There is no reason to get married if you have any little inklings of doubt.

Stay strong, @LittleCactus

OP, you might like to read this article and see if it resonates: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/the-insidious-damage-caused-by-covert-emotional-abuse

@LittleCactus
4) you'd need to confirm that having your name on the deeds gives you half the house if you split. Being married gives you (as a starting point) 50% of everything. Is your inheritance worth more than 50% of the equity in the house? Changing your mind now about getting married is really shooting yourself in the foot.

I don’t think getting on the deeds is that straightforward. When I moved in with exh he was happy to put me on the deeds of his house and mortgage (I was selling a flat so was happy to pay 50% when it was done). I was advised that to go on the deeds I’d need to pay stamp duty for my half of the purchase and conveyancing costs and maybe admin costs to the land registry and mortgage company.The solicitor I spoke to recommended I just got married!

op, is your inheritance enough to use as a deposit if you end up moving out? I’m not suggesting you should do but that you can consider all of your options.

You don't have to marry him. You could agree a fair settlement for the money you have put into his house and agree to separate.

Sounds like he's acting too little, too late, for you and you won't be able to trust that he loves you and is marrying you for the right reasons.

Thank you for coming back, a lot to think about

I still think you should get married, even if you leave him in a years time, it will protect you and your child.

Now that you’ve mentioned the inheritance, marriage may not be the best thing.

How much is your inheritance worth in relation to the equity he has in the house? Remember you will only get a maximum of 50% of that equity if you marry then divorce and you will lose money in solicitor and potential court fees etc.

No it won't. Short marriages are (almost always) dismissed as not married. She would have to stay married for a minimum of five years, which when added to the year(s) of preparing for the wedding would mean staying with him for the next 6 to 10 years. She's already baulking at living with him.

Good luck OP, it's hard when you realise your dreams no longer match up with reality. My inheritance was going on the family home too, now it's going to the divorce. Keep yours back as your rainy day fund.

When you get divorced they also add the time you were cohabiting to the length of relationship. So if op has decided to divorce after two years but cohabited for 5 years it would considered a 7 year relationship.

Sort your joint finances so you are paying into your pension as if you were and always had been full time. That is a joint cost for you providing the childcare.

That engagement ring sitting on the bedside table will be freaking him out.

He hasn't even mentioned it . Not sure if he's even noticed