Fiancé just told me he no longer wants to get married?

[LittleCactus]

I'm so confused. Been engaged 4 years (to the day, in fact) and he. Just told me he doesn't want to get married a anymore. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot. He still wants to be with me, apparently, but not as a married couple. I love the idea of marriage and have always envisioned myself being someone's wife.
What would you do?

It looks like he's cleverly strung her along for four years, while she subsidised his mortgage and saved him thousands in childcare costs, having taken him at his word that they would marry.

OP he has played you. Your contribution in terms of time and money has been stolen from you by a man who claims to love you.

Stop paying into the mortgage. Tell him if he doesn't marry you you're done throwing good money after bad. Get a full time job or start invoicing him for the childcare you're providing.

So true. He knew he didn’t want to marry all along most likely, but just kept the pretence up for as long as it served it him. It’s only now OP has upped the pressure about setting a date that he has came clean because he had no other option . Very dishonest and actually cruel behaviour.

This is good advice to listen to @LittleCactus get back into full time work and consider looking for an exit plan, the way he has went about it indicates he’s not committed or respectful.

If he won't marry then you need to speak to a solicitor to draw up legal protections for your contributions in the relationship & home. Find out what the options are and then present them to him - undoubtedly will involve a legal cohabitation agreement but given that you have a child together a solicitor may be able to advise more.

This.
Get a full time job and make him share childcare costs so at least your earning potential isn't restricted to part time hours.
What a wanker, stringing you along and letting you down.

Well you have got the nail bang on the head there.

He wants the benefit of having you around and paying into his house with the extra feature of dropping you very easily with little more than a pot should he so choose at any point.

That's not a team. He needs to demonstrate that you are one family unit and get a ring on your finger. Do not let this drop.

Tell him that if there is no marriage, you want your name on the house for security
But you could offer to have a quiet ceremony just the 3 of you and parents as well? See what he says

I did wonder. You need to have an honest conversation.

This !!
keep your money and if he wantsyou to pay bills he has to pay childcare to you .

Him giving you back “what you paid in” is total bullshit.

Although you have paid in, you have been on mat leave and done childcare so he can work. Your career has also taken a hit for the same reasons.

Ask him to put you on the deeds

If he refuses to get married or put you on the deeds, then make plans to leave (without informing him and with the help of a solicitor). The way he is treating you is not how you treat someone you love.

I've just asked him what would happen if we split and he said he would 'obviously' give me back what I've paid in, to protect myself and our DC

Will he refunding you the cost of childcare when you agreed to part time work? Honestly I think you need to increase your hours, get yourself your own accommodation and start the process of separating.

The easiest and cheapest way for OP to get her name on the deeds is for him to agree to it.

If he doesn't agree to it, they could try mediation, but ultimately, it would be a very costly court case, which would eat up a lot of the money OP would hope to recoup.

Personally I’d be leaving him because I would find it humiliating to be engaged for 4 years, have a child and then have him end the engagement, it shows a huge amount of disrespect for you and I wouldn’t be able
to trust him again.

I expect any money you’ve paid towards the house is a write off, but you would’ve been paying rent anyway so that’s by the by.

You need to start making plans so you’ve got your own money saved up so you can leave when it’s convenient to you.

I've just asked him what would happen if we split and he said he would 'obviously' give me back what I've paid in, to protect myself and our DC. I do actually believe him but also know I need to protect myself properly, in case he changes his mind.

It appears his word means very little considering how misleading and evasive he has been about getting married.

This reminds me of a former work colleague who was made redundant shortly after having her 3rd child. She used the money to put a deposit down on a shared ownership flat and they used the remaining money to decorate the place. Apparently her partner told her, or at least let her think, that she couldn’t be on the mortgage or deeds because she wasn’t working and he was. Fast forward a few years and they split up. She moved out the house with all 3 kids to live with her sister as she couldn’t afford anywhere else . He didn’t give her a penny for the flat and apparently wasn’t entitled to anything since they weren’t married.

And he should be giving you your share of the rise in property value.

This would be a deal breaker for me. He has made you incredibly vulnerable on a promise of security that he now wants to pull the plug on, but oh it’s fine. Well yes, fine for him. I would tell him that he can’t have his cake and eat it, either you’re a family and he marries you or you are not and you split up (and remind him you’ll need the money back to buy your own house).

Please change your mindset about you providing lower contributions during Maternity leave - you were caring for your joint child. If you’re part time and earn less you’re in a more vulnerable position as unmarried. I’d try and get him to do a cheap registry office civil ceremony with 2 witnesses - try and sell it as you want to be a family unit/have same name and also if anything happens to one of you. But you don’t need the big expensive day. Honestly I’d just be trying to secure your financial security in case he ever meets someone else etc. He wants his cake and eat it :(

The clue about the future of your relationship ISN'T your marital status. Its whether he'd be willing to put you on the deeds of the house.

Regardless of what he says about wanting to be with you, if he isn't prepared to update the deeds, then that tells you EVERYTHING.

Paying back what you paid in is not enough... you sacrificed your ability to pay 50/50 by chosing to have his child, tke maternity leave and going part time. You have facilitated his continuing career after becoming a father.

Present him with a backdated bill for childcare or loss of earnings due to childcaring responsibility based on your previous earnings and projected increases should you not have taken leave. Tell him that when he has paid this to you.. you can contribute to the mortgage and the bills as before as well as contributing to your savings and your pension.

Agree. The dishonesty and the underhandness would eradicate any trust for me.
Even when telling you he no longer wants to marry you he's not being honest about the reason (ie pretending it's about the cost/faff of a wedding - if that was true he'd be trying to convince you to move from a grand wedding to a cheap registry office - not scrap it all together)

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was willing to deceive me so he could screw me over financially if it ended.

What else is he willing to conspire about behind your back then lie about his motives to benefit himself?

YES.

You DO NOT need to be on the mortgage to be on the deeds. The deeds are the ownership of the property but the mortage is the loan against the property. The two are separate and different. You don't have to be named on both.

I'd also be asking questions about life insurance / pensions and whether you would be the beneficiary. If you aren't married you may not be entitled to these type of financial benefits which would otherwise would be.

This all matters.

Its reasonable for you to ask these questions if marriage is off the table.

Also consider what happens if he were to die tomorrow. Think wills etc.

A registery office wedding starts to look cheap vs sorting out all these legal things.

How did this conversation come about? Sensitive of him to have it on the same date you got engaged! Did he propose or you? Has he always seemed less keen on the idea of marriage than you? Do you think there is more to it than just not wanting to get married ? How have things been recently?
I would not dump him instantly - I would get some proper legal advice on what you would be entitled to and what you need to gather together.

I think it's beside the point talking about a cheap registry office wedding (as a few people have), because this guy's not complaining about the cost of getting married, he's complaining about the cost (to him) of getting divorced. OP says it's specifically the legalities that he wants to avoid. He's not even pretending otherwise.

I've just asked him what would happen if we split and he said he would 'obviously' give me back what I've paid in, to protect myself and our DC. I do actually believe him but also know I need to protect myself properly, in case he changes his mind.

Wow. This is no where near fair, given that a) You’ve not only paid into the house but also given up career potential that will impact your earning power for the rest of your life. And b) Buying a house is an investment that normally protects your money from inflation and frequently leads to profit on top of that. It’s also not something that you can rely up on since if you split his feelings of goodwill are likely to be a lot less generous than they are now.

I think you should tell him that if marriage isn’t on the cards any longer you need to reassess your lifestyle and he needs to step up and support you in establishing/reestablishing your career and becoming more financially self sufficient. Then start looking at how to put yourself into a position to earn the sort of salary you would want, should you split up, and get him to take over the childcare role to give you time and energy to do it. I’m not talking about getting him to do half. You have a significant amount of time to make up for and he needs to make that possible by being the one to sacrifice for a while. Your main goal here is to make sure you aren’t financially vulnerable to a split so your additional wages should go into a pension and the family pot if he agrees to drawing up a reasonable, legal agreement sharing the house, but otherwise they need to go into your own savings to make up for the nest egg he’s built for himself.

He also needs to pay to make up your missed pension contributions whilst you were looking after your joint DC.

Yes it is this. Marriage gives you more rights. Youve damaged your career and given yourself a dependent who will continue to affect your career and not his for over a decade. He has lost nothing.

you can tell him marriage is a deal breaker and tell him the amount he owes you if he cannot commit.

you can discuss 50/50 of child rearing while you rebuild your career and explain he will be an equal parent.

but really, you are almost completely reliant on his good will.