Fiancé just told me he no longer wants to get married?

[LittleCactus]

I'm so confused. Been engaged 4 years (to the day, in fact) and he. Just told me he doesn't want to get married a anymore. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot. He still wants to be with me, apparently, but not as a married couple. I love the idea of marriage and have always envisioned myself being someone's wife.
What would you do?

Is he playing you? Pushing for marriage now that you have doubts so he can blame you for not wanting to get married and breaking up?

Also for those that asked, inheritance (that I have left) is probably about 25% of any equity

He's not the type to think like this (well, as far as I know)
Genuinely think he got worried about losing me. But I could be being naive.

I've kinda changed my mind on this now you've mentioned the inheritance

Have you spent it on mortgage/house stuff?

I wonder if it would be worth trying to calculate what you can proveably show was spent on the house - renovations, decor, furniture, mortgage payments

And seriously think about whether you want to stay in this relationship. If not, he should pay you back your inheritance, morally speaking. I know legally he probably doesn't have to but if you got some/all of it back, plus what you have leftover & if you upped your hours a little, could you afford a place of your own?

Well he didn't put you on the deeds, after a baby and 4 years engaged he told you he didn't want to get married so yes I think you may be naive. Don't spend a penny of that inheritance.

He's off today isn't he, has he made enquiries/phone calls and sorted out getting you on the deeds?

@LittleCactus

I echo the poster thanking you for coming back. Many Ops just post and run. This is an important matter for you so you need all the advice you can get to help you make up your own mind.

I too have now changed my 'get married pronto' advice based on this update.

How much is the inheritance? Between 5-10K or between 20 and 40K or between 100 and 200K.

I believe it is not straightforward to get a name added on deed without you paying CGT on whatever value you will be getting. There could be other costs too.

So, STEP 1, head to a solicitor (the two of you) and clarify how much of the property you are entitled to. Insist on 50/50 if that's what you want/sound fair considering you stopped paying mortgage for a few years although intend to pump it into an extension. I am aware the childcare you have provided makes up for the 2 years you paid nothing anyway, so just look at it all as 50/50 right now. Then consider what further entitlement (if any), your inheritance entitles you to.

STEP 2
Revisit the big conversation about the things you need him to improve on and demand it is made permanent and not just to get you to marry him.

STEP 3
Discuss what you want to happen with your inheritance and if it needs to be protected. You can do this at step 1 too.

STEP 4 Decide if YOU still want to marry him. And good luck with your decision.

Advice: Once financials have been sorted and if you feel still marrying him gives you and DC better protection, just marry. Don't worry too much about 'feelings' unless you can face being intimate with him or you decide you hate him.

Comment: I have been surprised and shocked in equal measure at thousands of women marrying for practical reasons and making it work. Even those couple where the man seemed so in love, I was shocked to hear the woman had to forgo romance and romantic feelings to march him to the alter. If only women could be honest with other women. The fairy tale weddings are usually only existing in books.

Thank you for this ☺️

@SausageAndEggSandwich Inheritance I have left is around 20k now. So a good chunk but not huge amounts and could be spent very quickly.
None of it's gone on house stuff - it went on credit cards and car loans (mine, not his, thankfully!)

@Cosmosforbreakfast not phoned anyone yet but he's had to take his mum to a hospital appointment. Will pester when he gets back and if he tries to avoid we will be having serious chats

Why don't you make enquiries yourself to see what the process is and when he tries to avoid you can list it out to him and offer to make any appointments yourself?

Will pester when he gets back

Why pester? Either he's serious about this or he isn't. What you're wanting to see now is how he behaves when the chips are down. You carrying him as per isn't going to help.

My only caveat to SweetGlossy is that she should visit the solicitor alone. Her interests and those of her fiance might not align.

OP you know him better than all of us. Sounds like he's not a monster. You just need to sort this out so you can move forward. I actually think it's as much in his interest as yours but he doesn't see it that way currently. You need to - and you are taking steps to - rebalance the power in your relationship.

Thank you. Agreed. First, alone to understand her position.

Going two of them was to make him sign the agreement drawn up by solicitors- but then OP's solicitor will demand DP gets his own solicitor to read it over before he signs. So maybe different solicitors are what's required from the start.

How are you doing OP? Has your fiance made enquiries and sorted out how to get your name on the deeds?

Could he have clocked you have a large sum of cash now...?

I would just get on the deeds and then think about what you want to do.

Don't spend your inheritance on the house, regardless.