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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone awake? DV

248 replies

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 02:05

The police have taken my husband into custody not long ago, I have to stay awake so they can come back for a statement. Its DV related. He's also in the army.

Does anyone know what will happen now? We own the home jointly, will he be allowed back here?
I think I did the wrong thing, I can't do this.

I've got 3 children at home, no local support, am pregnant and have to make it through tommorow on no sleep.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 20/12/2023 02:07

Darling you didn't do the wrong thing.
Be good to yourself.
Your husband is in the wrong. Very much so.
Flowers

TheShellBeach · 20/12/2023 02:08

Please don't relent.
I took my violent ex back too many times.

It was bliss when I finally managed to leave him. The judge gave me the house. I had two young children at the time.

Ladyj84 · 20/12/2023 02:10

Ah did they say they would come back tonight, in my case it was the next morning and yes after charging etc he was able to return to the house because he was a joint tenant at the time. Anyway I left as he refused to leave and stayed with a friend with kids and then with family help moved away within a month. I hope your ok and don't second guess yourself I did it the first 2 times I called police and now know how stupid as his abuse and violence only got worse for me

CourtneyB123 · 20/12/2023 02:11

Oh god OP that's horrific. I didn't want to read and run, but my heart goes out to you and your children. I don't know much about army and housing unfortunately, but I can say that you definitely done the right thing. Did the police give a rough idea when they'd be coming back? Seems crazy that they'd expect you to stay up all night especially being pregnant. Is there anyone you can reach out to irl for support and generally help out tomorrow e.g with your kids, allow you to get some rest? I doubt they would send him back under the circumstances, I think they'd also advise you definitely reach out to a DV organisation who can assist you with whatever you may need, help with a move, non molestations just generally keeping you and your family safe. My heart goes out to you x

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 20/12/2023 02:11

OK I know it’s really scary. Really scary. I know the law on this and if he has a conviction or, I think, evidence against him on DV you can exclude him from the house. I would advise phoning the police - 101 if you can - and asking for advice about the practical steps. If you can, give a statement about him. You might have to be a bit more loud and arsey than your husband normally lets you be but there are legal avenues to keep him away from you. As a second resort there’s Citizen’s Advice tomorrow. Stay really strong. You’ve got this. Also keep your phone charged and preferably in your hand in case he manages to arrive back home in a towering temper and you need to call 999.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 20/12/2023 02:12

The national domestic abuse helpline will also provide someone to chat to and some probably more useful than mine advice.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 02:18

Thank you, they said they would take him to custody and come back. It Al woke one of the children up.
He is going to be absolutely raging now. I have no where to go, the children are meant to be seeing father Christmas tommorow it's all they want to do but I hit breaking point tonight. I'd called his parents earlier for help and they came but he wouldn't leave and lied to them so what could I do? I had no one literally no one.

I've just no idea what happens now especially as the children witnessed some of it.

If it was just me I'd happily crawl away and die (antenatal mental health depression and anxiety being used against me but am under perinatal mh team) but what can I do, i have the little people to think of and one is at an age where she needs to know to never be treated this way.

OP posts:
NeverAloneNeverAgain · 20/12/2023 02:20

In addition to above advice consider contacting the family welfare officer they'll be able to offer and signpost re emotional support and also practical if you're in army accommodation about next steps.

He might get released on bail however have conditions not to return to the home or contact you. This is a scary time and it's natural to feel conflicted. Try get some rest, if police or MP need you tonight they'll ring or come round but IME it's usually the next day. You've done the right thing for you and your children

TheShellBeach · 20/12/2023 02:20

Try to imagine yourself in twenty years time, advising your daughter, if she had a violent husband.

Rocksonabeach · 20/12/2023 02:20

depending on where you are - you can access different resources

  1. you can phone the police for an update about what time they might be back - explain you have 3 children - if you know it is after 6 am you can at least try to get some rest
  2. do you have a friend you can ring or a neighbour who you can ring to come and be with you? Especially to help with the children?
  3. take photos of any injuries or breakages especially before you clean them up if you can

are you on Christmas holidays yet? If you are consider all 3 kids PJ and just put Netflix on

you have been assaulted and traumatised. You can ask the police for a non molestation order and a restraining order - they can do this not you

changing the locks is easy

do not communicate with your abuser. Do not reply to texts

You can and you will survive and thrive without being abused and assaulted. You can do this.

TheShellBeach · 20/12/2023 02:21

And do confide in your midwife next time you see her.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 20/12/2023 02:21

OK. It’s super difficult but if you know any techniques for minimising/managing stress do them, please. Then contact just everyone you can think of. Even the out of hours GP. Is there a cheap hotel or a relative’s house you can take the children to be safe?

Ladyj84 · 20/12/2023 02:22

Oh gosh I hope you don't end up in the same scenario. After he got charged I was then contacted by ss child safeguarding and literally told I had 48 hours to remove children from home or they would put them into foster care. I had to get my parents to drive 8hours to collect me and get them while I stayed that next few days getting stuff together. The father has not seen the children since babies now 13 years ago as a judge later said he was not safe to be around them. I might add he had previous in a different marriage which I had known nothing about unfortunately

Aintnosupermum · 20/12/2023 02:29

Holding your hand virtually. It’s really hard.

Your medical team have access to resources that can help you and your children. I’d be calling them in the morning. I assume he has isolated you from your family. Do you have a family member you are close to?

Stay strong. Tonight call women’s aid. They can talk with you. Ask for advice on if it’s acceptable to ask the police to come back in the morning once you have had some sleep.

For the children, be honest with them in that Daddy’s behavior with mummy is not acceptable and the police were here last night to protect all of us. Give them a huge hug, put a movie on and do a picnic breakfast.

SingleMum11 · 20/12/2023 02:35

How are you doing now?

As hard as it is, try centre your thoughts and actions on what is safe and healthy for you and your kids from now. Thoughts of him can derail you. The police took him away, which means they thought he was unsafe. So that means you did act to keep your kids and you safe.

Phone women’s aid, keep going until you get through to someone. Look after yourself.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 02:36

Thank you. I just can't believe it.

The police are on their way back.

I'll be called all sorts now esp around Christmas and told I'm using the children etc. All the usual shit and excuses you hear from them...

OP posts:
CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 20/12/2023 02:38

I think just shut off your ears. I know that isn’t as easy as it sounds but focus on your children, they won’t have the most ideal Christmas ever but that’s not your fault. Just focus on the next tiny step after step to keep them safe.

Rocksonabeach · 20/12/2023 02:40

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 02:36

Thank you. I just can't believe it.

The police are on their way back.

I'll be called all sorts now esp around Christmas and told I'm using the children etc. All the usual shit and excuses you hear from them...

You have to be very clear and do not minimise anything he has done do not protect him or make excuses

tell them everything and do not minimise how scared you are and what your children saw

ask them to protect you

sprigatito · 20/12/2023 02:43

Make sure you tell the police that you fear for your safety and that of the children if he is allowed to return to the house. Ask them what needs to happen to prevent this, and make sure they write down what you said.

You can do this Flowers you've shown incredible bravery tonight and protected yourself and your children. Hang in there.

sashh · 20/12/2023 02:47

Keep strong OP.

You know he will minimize and promise and you also know it is BS.

You are now a single parent and you know what? That isn't going to be as hard as you think because this bully will not be taking your emotional energy.

Are you working? Call in sick and have a day with the children.

You do not know how strong you are - yet.

You are awesome you are protecting yourself and those children.

Spencer0220 · 20/12/2023 02:52

Massive hugs. Not your fault

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/12/2023 02:55

He will be bailed which means that he can't come back and he can't contact you. He also can't contact you via other people (say his mother forwards a message to you, from him, thats also breaching bail).

He wont be raging. He will be trying to figure out what the hell his defence is, he isnt used to this as you have never called him out before. YOU ARE IN CONTROL HERE.

Do not give a statement tonight if you dont feel able to. I did as I thought I had to, but the person taking it buggered it up and I was all over the place so the CPS dropped the case as there was little chance of conviction. Its ok to say that you will talk to them now but you want to give a full statement tomorrow.

I was where you are now, just over 5 years ago. I remember the fear, I was literally shaking for days. But please, stick with it. The first time I called the police I backed down and oh my god it got so much worse because he lost his fear. 5 years ago, I didnt back down and it changed my life.

From a practical POV, as the kids where in the house, SS will be informed. They will want to know that they kids are safe and not exposed to this again. If they are then they will increase their supervision, they see too many women who will put the abusive partner above the kids, please dont be one of those women. Women have been known to lose their kids because they wont get rid of the man, better that you come the peace with splitting with him now.

Take care sweetheart. You will get through this Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/12/2023 03:01

Missed that he is in the Army. I would call the Welfare Officer ASAP, his CO needs to know what has happened. You need to insist (and you may need to be forceful about this) that he is kept from you. Are you involved with any of the army wives groups? Reach out, help is there. Sadly this is all too common in the services, they will have seen it all before.

Aintnosupermum · 20/12/2023 03:02

Btw, he is military so most common excuse is PTSD. Be prepared for that.

It’s not your fault and no you do not deserve this. If people are going to talk, the only whispers should be on others rallying around to support you. Don't expect anything from the military and personally, I’d distance myself from that toxic mess entirely.

Protect the children, protect yourself. Ask all agencies and medical teams for help.

Aintnosupermum · 20/12/2023 03:04

Ask the police to report to his CO and the welfare officer.