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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is anyone awake? DV

248 replies

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 02:05

The police have taken my husband into custody not long ago, I have to stay awake so they can come back for a statement. Its DV related. He's also in the army.

Does anyone know what will happen now? We own the home jointly, will he be allowed back here?
I think I did the wrong thing, I can't do this.

I've got 3 children at home, no local support, am pregnant and have to make it through tommorow on no sleep.

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/12/2023 03:46

You say you have no local support. Would it be possible for you to go and stay with your family?

Sholkedabemus · 20/12/2023 03:52

I haven’t read everything so I don’t know whether anyone has suggested calling Womens Aid. They are very supportive and informative on DV.

Muddays · 20/12/2023 04:02

I think you should call the Samaritans (it's free) on 116 123. They're an exceptional, non judgmental charity very familiar with DV issues and will listen to you and make sure you feel less alone and stronger. They've saved the lives of so many people including some friends of mine.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 20/12/2023 04:11

Samaritans are very helpful for a listening ear. You need the National domestic abuse helpline for actual advice though.

lindter · 20/12/2023 05:05

You've absolutely done the right thing.

jeaux90 · 20/12/2023 07:00

You did the right thing for your safety and your DC. You cannot have them growing up around DV. Call women's aid today.

Imamumgetmeoutofhere · 20/12/2023 07:14

I don't want to read and run but want to offer you a hand hold and also say well done for contacting the police and having this man removed from your home. You and the children are priority now. Do not worry about any gossip or what you think, none of this matters now.

Do you have anyone locally who can help at all? Will the police inform the army about his arrest x

Muddays · 20/12/2023 07:26

@Isanyoneawake44 hopefully all these caring messages and really excellent advice, will be of some comfort to you. There is a very strong and loving community of survivors and supporters closer to you than you think.

Original poster

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 07:44

Thank you all. The police left just before 4. The children woke not long ago so I did get some.sleep.

Thank you for all the messages of kindness.

I'm not sure where to start this morning tbh.

Wondering do I say what's happened? Do I tell my mum on the phone when she rings, don't want her to worry

OP posts:

Falalalalaa · 20/12/2023 07:49

You are absolutely doing the right thing, your children will grow up in a safe home knowing what not to tolerate and that’s because of you. You did that.

Tell your mum if you can, get as much support as you can. Women’s Aid are a fantastic support too if you can reach out to them.

What did the police say will happen next?

Roguebludger · 20/12/2023 07:51

Speak the the police about a DVPN/DVPO to stop him from coming back to the address foe a but and then call the national centre for domestic violence for help with a non-mol for more support. For assistance with long term separation try women's aid. Definitely speak to you mum. Good luck op.

Humanswarm · 20/12/2023 07:54

Please do speak to the welfare officer. Regardless to what does or doesn't happen with the police.

sashh · 20/12/2023 08:00

Glad you got some sleep.

You start with a deep breath and a hot drink.

Ansjovis · 20/12/2023 08:04

Your mum SHOULD be worried. Her daughter is being abused and her grandchildren are being abused by extension. The more people you tell about this the less likely it's going to be that you will cave in and let him back, therefore the safer you and the children will be.

I would be expecting a social services referral now as the children have witnessed some of the violence so it's going to be of upmost importance that you are taking steps to safeguard them. I don't wish to frighten you by saying this but repeated failure to protect children from DV is grounds for their removal from the home and from your care. Telling your mum makes this much less likely to happen so please do it today.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 20/12/2023 08:29

Definitely tell your mother unless your partner is the level of dangerous that that would put her/you/your children at risk. It’s not ideal but if your partner knows someone else knows about his behaviour it might curb it for enough time for you to make plans to get out and do so. She doesn’t have to actually do anything but I’ve often found just having someone else around or even casually mentioning them stops my mother getting too abusive.

TheShellBeach · 20/12/2023 09:20

I believe you do need to tell your mother, to get her support.

Rocksonabeach · 20/12/2023 09:52

Tell people but you don’t have to listen to their advice. Get a counsellor for that and talk to womens aid.

Original poster

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 10:16

What a mess. The police want to come back this morning to do another statement

OP posts:

PaminaMozart · 20/12/2023 10:23

Ring Women's Aid while you're waiting for the police to come back.

And write up a timeline of all the abuse.

TheShellBeach · 20/12/2023 10:29

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 10:16

What a mess. The police want to come back this morning to do another statement

I understand that it feels really overwhelming.

It's very raw, and you're tired and pregnant.

Try to make sure you eat and drink today, even just soup and toast.

Original poster

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 10:31

Thank you, I dont want to do it all in front of the children.

I can't even remember a timeline. The timeline I did with photos is on a phone that broke which I can't turn on

OP posts:

Ansjovis · 20/12/2023 10:33

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 10:16

What a mess. The police want to come back this morning to do another statement

From where I am standing this is great news! It doesn't feel like it when you are tired and overwhelmed but you and your children are deserving of support so I am pleased that the police are being thorough. I am thinking of you and hoping that you can find the strength to be completely honest with them as that is the best and quickest way towards a better life for all 5 of you, including your unborn child.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 20/12/2023 10:35

You can do this op. My exh was a savage. Smashing up our home. Threatening but never actually touched us. Wish to God I had had your strength. Stuff what his family might say. Your safety and that of your dc is what matters.. Give the police your phone...

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 20/12/2023 10:41

It is so, so hard OP particularly as you’ve likely been suffering for years. Can you make it really clear to the police (who will probably be happy to accommodate you with this) that you absolutely can’t expose the children to further trauma by giving a statement in front of them and “wall off” parts of your house between you, the children and the abuser?
It is so difficult but you’ve been incredibly brave giving a statement. Please don’t sacrifice the progress you’ve already made. You are doing so amazingly well.

Original poster

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 14:51

I did the statement. My daughter gave one too. It all just feels surreal.

I'm guessing he's still in custody. I haven't heard from anyone. I've no idea at all what is happening now

OP posts:

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