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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone awake? DV

248 replies

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 02:05

The police have taken my husband into custody not long ago, I have to stay awake so they can come back for a statement. Its DV related. He's also in the army.

Does anyone know what will happen now? We own the home jointly, will he be allowed back here?
I think I did the wrong thing, I can't do this.

I've got 3 children at home, no local support, am pregnant and have to make it through tommorow on no sleep.

OP posts:
Ebokebok · 20/12/2023 14:59

Good on you. Keep going. Get rid of the nasty abusive bastard once and for all. Tell whoever you want. You don't need his permission or approval.

Orangey25 · 20/12/2023 15:13

I did this a few years ago. It was awful at the time but can now look back and say it was the best decision of my life.
It will get easier eventually but your incredibly strong to have called the police. Keep going! X

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 15:19

I don't feel it.

Is it normal to be in custody this long?

OP posts:
Spencer0220 · 20/12/2023 16:27

Op, I haven't read other responses, but give the broken phone to the police. They have equipment that might still be able to get information from the phone.

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 20/12/2023 16:37

Virtual handhold from me.
Years ago I was in the same situation as you with an ex. He was taken into custody and they remanded him to prison until he went to court.
In total he was in custody for 6 weeks, by which time I had support from a DV charity and a restraining order put in place.
You absolutely did the right thing, you should be proud of yourself for showing your kids this is not what you accept in a relationship

Roguebludger · 20/12/2023 19:46

I hope that you're OK op. If he is released without conditions you can still speak to the national Centre for domestic violence for help applying for an emergency order.

mummymayhem18 · 20/12/2023 20:20

I hope you're ok OP and be strong for yourself and your children. Confide in your mum or someone you can talk to. You can do this. Thinking of you.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 20:20

He's been released but there are very very significant bail conditions in place.

Both me and my daughter will have to be interviewed again...

OP posts:
rainbowruthie · 20/12/2023 20:22

Sending you kindest thoughts.
I wish my late mum had been as brave and strong as you

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 20/12/2023 20:23

Good. Building up a case is important.. You need to do all you can to keep you both safe op. You owe it to your dd and to yourself to sleep easy at night. It really is him or you. Don't feel guilty or that you owe him in any way. He is a fucking monster..

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 20:35

Its hard, but I am so very very tired.

The hardest bit is being on my own in this area and knowing when they find out my inlaws will be horrendous

OP posts:
Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 20:35

I did speak to my mum, she was incredible.

OP posts:
Rocksonabeach · 20/12/2023 20:40

How are you doing??

are you getting support from womens aid?

do not communicate with his family yourself. Do not communicate through anyone to him.

how are your injuries?

I slept in a big bed with children and dogs piled in for many months after my own assault and often couldn’t sleep if it was silent - I had to have a dvd or cd on in the background and I only felt save when all 3 dogs (huge labs) were with me

wildwestpioneer · 20/12/2023 20:51

I had almost exactly the same.

They released him with a caution though and by rights he could return to the family home if he wanted to, but never set foot in it again. He stayed at his parents house.

If he does contact you again in anyway shape or form and he starts to verbally abuse you, ring the police again. If he turns up and you feel unsafe, ring the police. Do it each and every time

TheShellBeach · 20/12/2023 20:59

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 20:35

I did speak to my mum, she was incredible.

I'm so glad to hear that.
Was it a surprise to her, or did she already know that he was violent to you?

LetsGoOutside · 20/12/2023 21:03

I hope you and your little people are okay, OP. You’ve done the right thing - that takes incredible strength! Sending my best wishes to you all.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 21:11

Thank you all.

She was quite surprised but very supportive.

It will all be okay. Has to be right.

Oh I always have the dogs in bed, not right without them all

OP posts:
SingleMum11 · 20/12/2023 21:15

Sounds like they are taking it seriously enough at the moment, the police.

Very glad you talked with your mum.

Ignored your in-laws. Honestly in my experience they are the absolutely worst in enabling DV half the time. Keep seeing yourself as a strong protector of your kids, something that your in-laws should be, but will not - you are the protector of your family.

Have you phoned women’s aid? Honestly this will be so helpful when you have a chance.

Raspberrymoon49 · 20/12/2023 21:24

Can your mum come to stay with you or a friend? You’re tackling so much on your own

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 21:34

People could stay but I think for the minute I need some clarity. Mum might come in a few days

Lots of people to ring tommorow, just focused on getting through today.

Wasn't expecting it to be taken so seriously. Having wobbles here and there but that could be the tiredness

OP posts:
HalLOUWeen · 20/12/2023 21:37

Contact FLOWS for a non- molestation order and occupation order

Andthereyougo · 20/12/2023 21:40

I’m sorry this has happened but it is good bail conditions are in place.
As he is in the Army I think the MP will be informed.
Some sites for help for you. https://www.aurorand.org.uk/services/the-armed-forces/#:~:text=SSAFA%20provides%20support%20to%20anyone,them%20on%200800%20731%204880.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/armed-forces-domestic-abuse-where-to-get-help/armed-forces-domestic-abuse-where-to-get-help

https://aff.org.uk/advice/family-life/domestic-abuse/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/. As I totally understand you might not want anything Army-related

You can also speak to your midwife of course. They will have seen this before, they’ll know how to help you.

Put yourself and your children first, it’s scary, you don’t want people to know ( I didn’t) but you need and deserve a safe, violence free life.
And yes — ignore your in laws. Mine were awful, told me they didn’t want to know about me, they were only interested in their dgc.

Abuse in the Armed Forces | Support Service | Aurora New Dawn

We offer a discreet help and support service to members of the Armed Forces who have experienced abuse. Find out how we can help you by clicking here.

https://www.aurorand.org.uk/services/the-armed-forces/#:~:text=SSAFA%20provides%20support%20to%20anyone,them%20on%200800%20731%204880.

Spencer0220 · 21/12/2023 01:26

Oh OP I'm so glad your mum will support you.

Please don't back down now. The serious bail conditions are a good sign. The police believe you and believe that they have something to investigate.

Don't listen to your in-laws. And be careful. They could be drawn into aiding him breaking some of his bail conditions by indirect contact for example.

Sholkedabemus · 21/12/2023 09:45

I’m so glad the police have acted and are taking everything so seriously. This is good news, it wasn’t always like this for women.

Have you contacted Womens Aid @Isanyoneawake44 ? They will support you and give you very important information on staying safe.

You are very brave and have totally done the right thing here. 💐

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 21/12/2023 10:35

Thank you all.

Finding it all really really overwhelming today, I am beyond tired.

Phone calls is next on the list.

Talk about wrong timing

OP posts:
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