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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone awake? DV

248 replies

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 02:05

The police have taken my husband into custody not long ago, I have to stay awake so they can come back for a statement. Its DV related. He's also in the army.

Does anyone know what will happen now? We own the home jointly, will he be allowed back here?
I think I did the wrong thing, I can't do this.

I've got 3 children at home, no local support, am pregnant and have to make it through tommorow on no sleep.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 21/12/2023 11:37

I know this may sound hollow, but you are at the start of a journey to a better place. A better life for you and your children.

Thinking of you 💐

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 21/12/2023 11:55

Can only send sympathy and admiration OP - this time of year can be so difficult.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 21/12/2023 14:12

Thank you

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 21/12/2023 17:26

@Isanyoneawake44 I left my violent husband just before Christmas in 1989.
Yes, it's a bad time of year for it to happen.
But looking back now, it was the best thing I'd ever done. My children fared so much better without him. I met my second husband four years later. Things have been normal since then IYSWIM.

Violent men need to be stopped. You've done a very brave thing.

Don't panic and don't back down.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 21/12/2023 17:50

Strange question, do the men make statements as well as women in cases like this?

OP posts:
Oxborn · 21/12/2023 17:56

He will be questioned which will be recorded so I suppose it’s like a statement

Spencer0220 · 22/12/2023 04:54

When you say men, do you mean men who might be a witness for you, or the abusive partner?

If other witnesses, exactly the same as women and children. Treated no differently.

If the abusive partner, he's going to be formally interviewed at a police station. It will be audio recorded and quite likely video recorded.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 22/12/2023 09:10

Thank you

I think I mean like a statement I had to make whether he has to do a written one and will I see his and him see mine etc.

Also the same with a victim Impact statement...

I mean in a way do I get to know how he feels about the whole situation

OP posts:
Oxborn · 22/12/2023 09:17

I don’t think you get to see what each other says but he’ll be given questions based on what you said in statement and as for victim impact one I think that’s more for the prosecution service but I maybe wrong but he won’t see it, How are you doing

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 22/12/2023 10:19

I spoke to WA they were helpful. Someone is coming to see me in late Jan

She was saying they want to do a multi agency risk assessment

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 22/12/2023 12:19

I'm glad you haven't let him back in, @Isanyoneawake44, because so many women do, then the whole cycle starts again.

That includes me, of course. We always want to believe that the violent man will change - but they never do.
They just calm down a bit.
Till the next time.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 22/12/2023 13:53

It would be easier if we could actually speak though, not see each other just talk, 3 months conditions seems very excessive

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 22/12/2023 16:26

Has he been told not to contact you for three months?
Surely his offences were quite serious if that's the case.

How are the children?

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 22/12/2023 16:31

Yes whilst they investigate.

12, 5 and 3

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 22/12/2023 17:42

Have you called the police before now over this?

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 22/12/2023 17:51

I haven't no

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 23/12/2023 10:57

How are things today, OP?

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 23/12/2023 16:36

Quiet.

I'm trying to keep busy.

I don't know what I'm meant to be doing, or where to start. It's like there should be some kind of handbook

Altho I'm high risk the dv support can't see me until the end of January

OP posts:
Rocksonabeach · 23/12/2023 21:15

Do you want to have some support each day over Christmas -
let others know and let them pick up the slack
be kind to yourself
take 5 minutes to close your eyes and imagine yourself healing emotionally financially physically mentally etc

pm me if you want

stay strong xx

Pinkbonbon · 23/12/2023 22:30

If he's assaulted you then it's good news that he's been told to stay away.

Take this time to look into areas like: a good solicitor, divorce, moving house, child support, custody, any benefits you might be entitled to, grey rock technique (a technique used to help distance yourself from the abuser by becoming boring and not sharing anything about your life with them that they can he's to hurt you).

Read up on narcissistic abuse and how the narcissist use flying monkeys (friends and relatives) to manipulate and control.

Be prepared to say no to your inlaws visiting if they are unsupportive of you.

Tell friends and family you trust about what has happened.

The shame is on him.amd belongs fully to him. You've done right by yourself and your kids.

Bullies aren't owed anything.

Take these 3 months to see how much nicer it can be to not have to walk on eggshells in your own home.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 24/12/2023 09:46

Thank you, it does feel a lonely place to be, especially when it gets dark, but that's always effected me.

I keep reminding myself his behaviour and reactions are not my responsibility.

Above all I'm just trying to keep busy, really busy

OP posts:
Rocksonabeach · 24/12/2023 12:30

Isanyoneawake44 · 24/12/2023 09:46

Thank you, it does feel a lonely place to be, especially when it gets dark, but that's always effected me.

I keep reminding myself his behaviour and reactions are not my responsibility.

Above all I'm just trying to keep busy, really busy

I get you put fairy lights all around the house and leave them on over night. Have a tv or radio playing.

For me I couldn’t sleep - I did a few things

  1. I read
  2. accepted no sleep and rested by body
  3. listened to a comedy podcast - try Cabin pressure
  4. realised it’s a huge battle - and as such each day is just one step so congratulate each step
  5. tell people you feel lonely sleep with kids and dogs
  6. nourish your mind, body and soul. Pray to the universe, god, Mother Earth - whatever for peace and protection eat as well as you can understand that your body and you and fighting a huge huge trauma and congratulate yourself each day learn - do the online freedom programme read about abusers

this is not your fault. Don’t make excuses for him or allow anyone else to. He’s an adult and a thug. You aren’t. You aren’t responsible or guilty for his behaviour or anything - you are a victim a survivor and a woman able to do anything.

a woman is like a teabag you never know how strong she is until she is in hot water!

if you have a kindle download lesson la in chemistry or other books with strong independent women in to read - I’d start with lessons in chemistry if you haven’t read it

TheShellBeach · 25/12/2023 10:42

Merry Christmas OP.
I hope you and the children enjoy yourselves as much as possible today.

rainbowruthie · 25/12/2023 11:14

Thinking of you and your children x

gotomomo · 25/12/2023 13:21

There's specialist help for military families in this situation, reach out to them, they will unfortunately have seen it all before and can help