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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone awake? DV

248 replies

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 02:05

The police have taken my husband into custody not long ago, I have to stay awake so they can come back for a statement. Its DV related. He's also in the army.

Does anyone know what will happen now? We own the home jointly, will he be allowed back here?
I think I did the wrong thing, I can't do this.

I've got 3 children at home, no local support, am pregnant and have to make it through tommorow on no sleep.

OP posts:
Dinkydoo17 · 25/12/2023 13:47

Was thinking about your thread OP. Are you ok?

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 25/12/2023 20:24

Thank you all.

It's been hard, but its also been fun. The kids have been great, I feel less stressed and I feel its a lot calmer and relaxed. I have no idea how I will juggle a newborn tbh, crumple in a heap

Not sure what will happen now, but we will see.

I need a idiots guide to separating with a step by step guide!

Hope you've all had a nice day.

OP posts:
Dinkydoo17 · 26/12/2023 09:23

Someone popped some useful links further up the thread. The Police would usually offer the services of Victim Support too and they should be able to guide/signpost. Take good care OP

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 10:30

I have no idea how I will juggle a newborn tbh, crumple in a heap

You'll find it a lot easier than you think because you won't be walking on eggshells and second-guessing his reactions to things.

You'll be able to figure out your own routine and the older children will help, to a certain extent.

Don't be anxious about this bit of it. I believe that you'll manage fine.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 26/12/2023 11:14

Well I think I just hit rock bottom.

The smaller 2 are just fighting and hurting each other, and whinging or crying. Now I'm crying. I honestly can't do this at all.
I don't think I even want to carry on
I'm absolutely broken

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 11:27

I'm so sorry. It's hard to come to terms with.

Just try to get through this day somehow. It'll be easier when they're back at school or nursery.

You'll have wobbles and that's to be expected.

Try to remember how frightened you were when your husband hit you, or shouted at you, or shoved you, or hit the wall.

Anything is better than that. I've been there so I know. Yes, being alone with young children is a challenge, but it's better then having an unstable men in the background on top.

Rocksonabeach · 26/12/2023 11:33

Isanyoneawake44 · 26/12/2023 11:14

Well I think I just hit rock bottom.

The smaller 2 are just fighting and hurting each other, and whinging or crying. Now I'm crying. I honestly can't do this at all.
I don't think I even want to carry on
I'm absolutely broken

Can you go for a walk? Phone a friend? Talk to a neighbour etc? Your family? Phone a helpline or dv support line? Phone or talk to someone midwife??

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 26/12/2023 11:34

Find christmas film to watch op.. Add in some festive treats. And early nights all round tonight.

Namechange285 · 26/12/2023 11:39

Just wanted to say you are incredibly strong for getting this far, so keep going. It's so hard with young children and feels relentless at the best of times, let alone with what you've been through, but it will get better! Just think each day where you and your kids aren't exposed to your violent partner is buried treasure for their future. You are doing such a great job

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 11:45

Can you ask your mum to come to you now?

Or at least in a couple of days? You need some adult support from someone who loves you.

When is your baby due?

PaminaMozart · 26/12/2023 12:55

I need a idiots guide to separating with a step by step guide!

Try these resources, @Isanyoneawake44 :

Wikivorce (lots of information, and I think there's also a forum)
Divorce for Dummies (or similar - check your library)
Family solicitors websites (check they are in your jurisdiction)

One step at a time. Take notes. Breathe. It doesn't all have to be done today, or tomorrow.

Oxborn · 26/12/2023 13:19

You needed to hit that rock bottom in order to climb back up bigger and better, I’ve been where you have unfortunately on several occasions because i wasn’t strong enough to break free it took for ss to basically give me a choice stay in the dv relationship or keep kids that was a no brainer but I still mourned the loss of the relationship he’d managed to do a right number on me. Be strong and take hour by hour

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 26/12/2023 14:18

Thank you for all the tips.
I am utterly exhausted and the kids know it, running around no amount of Calming them down despite running them wild around the park.

My body just feels exhausted and isn't dealing with being 29 weeks already

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 14:21

When is your mum coming?
You'll get a break then.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 26/12/2023 14:31

I haven't asked tbh, nursery is back from 2nd etc it will be ok

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 15:32

I'm not surprised you're exhausted.

You're dealing with a huge emotional disturbance, on top of caring for your three children and being in the last four months of your pregnancy.

You're also trying to rationalise what your husband did to you, and probably on some level wishing you hadn't called the police.

But you had to call them. You were protecting your unborn baby as well as yourself.

Your husband is scum to have assaulted you, and double scum to have assaulted you while you were pregnant.

My ex punched me in the abdomen when I was expecting DD. I know how shocking these things are.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 26/12/2023 17:06

I actually wonder how I'm still going.

Lots of tears today. Early night would be good but that seems closer to doing it all again tommorow

OP posts:
EducatingArti · 26/12/2023 17:20

Don't forget that even if your children don't know the full extent of the abuse, their fighting and being manic will in some part a reaction to what your partner/husband has done. They will calm down as they process the situation. That is in addition to all young children being somewhat disregulated at Christmas. It won't always be this bad. You and they will find your new normal!

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 17:47

I know it doesn't seem like it, but you'll get through this.
One day at a time.
Maybe even an hour at a time.

You'll get there.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 26/12/2023 21:26

Thank you for your kindness.

I've started a diary to keep track of things. Not sure what I should do re fianaces as have a joint and sole account and not sure what he will transfer but also not sure if I'm able to claim UC when I have no proof we are seperating, mind you, that's something I haven't even discussed with him.

Had a quick look at solicitors, not even something I can even think about at present

Called 101 to ask if I can be given a main point of contact and wondering how they will proceed.

Also wondering if I should ring social services myself rather than waiting for them to ring and being crippled with anxiety.

Then to top it off I've managed to get a cough and sore throat to add to my exhaustion. Go me.....

Meanwhile starting to fret I have absolutely nothing for the baby at present, wasn't a baby on the agenda
Maybe I should start, and find a magic money tree on the way.

OP posts:
mafsfan · 26/12/2023 22:03

If he's in the army you can also contact the AFF for support

aff.org.uk/advice/family-life/separation-and-divorce/

aff.org.uk/advice/family-life/domestic-abuse/

Comtesse · 26/12/2023 23:26

well he’s a disgrace but you can and will get through this Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/12/2023 00:47

Well you do have proof that you are seperating, as the police have given him three months no contact so you are now living seperately. But you wont need it. simply make the claim and explain that you have seperated and that your income is just whatever you bring in. If they ask what child support you receive the answer is "None" as it will be that way for the forseeable.

Expect to wait 5 weeks for the first payment to be made but if you are in dire financial straits before that, then you can apply for an advance on your first payment which will be made very quickly.

I know it feels overwhelming but you WILL get through this. I have been there, hundreds of others have been there, we felt just as you do now. But today I am 5 years on and feel happier than I ever did. The kids are happier too. It takes readjustment all round but you do get there, I promise.

I know you cant see it now, but you will look back and see that this year you got the best Xmas present ever xx

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 27/12/2023 01:23

Thank you so much as stressful as it all is at the moment I can see this is an opportunity to take. We will be okay, cutting everyone slack today

Thank you for the links

OP posts:
Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 27/12/2023 10:35

My son is being absolutely horrendous, I've been bitten, hit, kicked, headbutted, i am covered in marks and scratches. I cannot take anymore, I don't know whether to get someone to take him to his dad's to keep me and the girls safe

OP posts:
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