Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confession from my partner - advice needed

298 replies

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:24

Hi

this is the first time I’ve posted here so I hope what I post is ok as I am not sure who else I can ask due to the sensitive nature of the topic.

my partner recently told me that 5 years ago (when he was single) that he had 2 “encounters” with men. Not the whole way and he says he didn’t do the touch the men but twice he let 2 different men touch him (sorry not sure how graphic I can be and don’t want to offend so trying to be respectful but to make sure you get the idea) they used their mouth but didn’t touch his lips (BJ). Now at the time his wife of 11 years had left him due to his heavy use of recreational substances which he has now stopped completely. He says these incidents are the reasons why, because he did things he was ashamed of and would not have done sober.

now this is where my issue stems, he hasn’t cheated on me this was way before my time, however something in my gut is telling me that maybe he has some internalised homophobia and I just don’t want to be a cover story if he truly is gay. We’ve had many discussions about this as I am in no way homophobic and if this was just a bad time in his life and he did stuff he wouldn’t ever do again (behind my back I mean) then I can absolutely be fine with it but then why can’t I get it out of my head? I am not sure if it’s because my gut instinct is telling me otherwise or if it’s because it isn’t something that you hear everyday especially from a male situation. I have many female friends who have been with other women but not men.

I am ashamed to say I’ve been through his phone and didn’t find anything that would cause alarm in terms of our relationship but did find a message to an acquaintance of his that he sent back in 2020 that has a sentence in it saying. “Well you are fit” which seemed to be a joke in response to this man saying someone had sent him a d**k pic.

I am sorry for waffling but as you can see this isn’t a run of the mill problem I can really talk to anyone about:

I guess I just wondered if people would be ok with something that happened in their partners past like this which could possibly mean I would get my heart broken by him even though he has never given me reason at all to think he’s cheated.

I clearly can’t compete with a male if that’s what he prefers but he insists it’s something that happened under the influence of some crazy d**gs which he no longer takes and is so insistant it’s me wants to be with but then why is my gut not letting this go

OP posts:
lastchristmasigaveu · 18/12/2023 20:27

Run.

CalistoNoSolo · 18/12/2023 20:27

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Marineboy67 · 18/12/2023 20:29

Well first off its probably worth getting your sexual health checked over to be safe!

Pootles34 · 18/12/2023 20:32

I'd be more bothered about the drugs personally.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 20:33

Now at the time his wife of 11 years had left him due to his heavy use of recreational substances

This alone would have me out the door and down the hall.

Your instincts are telling you something isn't right. Please stop trying to gaslight yourself that you're being dramatic or unreasonable. You're not.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:33

he doesn’t do them at all anymore and I do know that for sure.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 20:34

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:33

he doesn’t do them at all anymore and I do know that for sure.

No, you don't.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:35

Thank you. I know for a fact he doesn’t take any form of drug anymore so I am ok with that to be honest. Obviously no drugs are good but it wasn’t heroin it was party drugs. But I think you maybe right on my gut instinct

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:36

I do that regularly anyway and I always make sure any partner does too that isn’t a concern in terms of this situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:37

as sure as anybody can be given that we live and work together. We don’t spend much time apart to be honest so that isn’t a worry for me. It’s more the other issue

OP posts:
izzygirlis4 · 18/12/2023 20:37

So he experimented sexually when he was single.
What's the issue.

If you had experimented sexually with women no one would care

Lifeasiknowitisout · 18/12/2023 20:38

So why if that’s why he drugs, How come he didn’t stop after the first encounter?

How could you be sure that it’s happen twice?

He used drugs for a while, then all of a sudden he would be attracted to men when taking drugs? Just twice? Never any of the other times?

Or is it a case of he wanted a blow job and did care where he got it? Thats a massive red flag!

How long have you actually been together?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 20:39

izzygirlis4 · 18/12/2023 20:37

So he experimented sexually when he was single.
What's the issue.

If you had experimented sexually with women no one would care

The op is entitled to care about anything she wishes to, as are you. What may not be an issue for you may be to other people.

bonzaitree · 18/12/2023 20:39

Tricky one. Did he mention why he hadn’t told you he was bi?

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:43

of course we all have a past and believe it or not I am not judging him for that. I am a very open minded person. My worry is, is he too afraid to come out and therefore is convincing himself and if in the end he won’t be able to live a lie (and nor should he have too) guess I am just trying to protect my heart if in the end he is going to want to be with a man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:45

Well that’s the question I am torturing myself over, if it was once it would be easier for me to get my head around but clearly it happened again and I am just worried I am a cover story if he truly does want to be with a man. We have been together for 3 years but he only told me this recently which is why it was a shock

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 20:46

If I were you I would be wondering what he's going to "confess" to next. Why, after all this time, tell you about something that didn't involve you, he regrets, and ultimately doesn't matter to who he is as a person?

I think there is a lot more to come. He's testing the waters.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 18/12/2023 20:46

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:45

Well that’s the question I am torturing myself over, if it was once it would be easier for me to get my head around but clearly it happened again and I am just worried I am a cover story if he truly does want to be with a man. We have been together for 3 years but he only told me this recently which is why it was a shock

Why did he tell you now?

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:47

I know and this what makes me not trust what he is saying because my reply was - you should have told me you were bi sexual when we met because I have a right to go into this relationship with my eyes wide open, he actually looked shocked and said I am not bi sexual (which he clearly is) he said I was going through a very bad time (6 months of a bad time) and did stuff I am not proud of hence why I got my life together and sorted myself out. The bit I find hardest now is that he is clearly lying when he says he isn’t bi sexual so does that mean he has something more to hide?

OP posts:
thecatneuterer · 18/12/2023 20:48

izzygirlis4 · 18/12/2023 20:37

So he experimented sexually when he was single.
What's the issue.

If you had experimented sexually with women no one would care

Completely agree

flowerchild2000 · 18/12/2023 20:49

To me the issue is that he's repressing. Which probably most men do. I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone like this long term unless they went to therapy. It's not like sexuality is an issue, it's the repression and shame.

Getupat8amnow · 18/12/2023 20:49

He is telling you who he is. He will do it again and when you complain he will respond with the words “I told you.” Do not waste your time on this man, it will end badly. He told you about the two men to see how you would react. If you stay with him he will see it as a green light to mess you about. Please don’t put yourself through this. There are lovely men out there who would love to find a kind and caring woman to be their life partner. Finish this relationship and go and find one of these men and be happy.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:50

I honestly wish I knew! We were having a pretty deep conversation about our pasts (I was married before and in an abusive relationship etc) so we were talking about that and I asked him about the drugs and why he did them why he stopped etc because he hadn’t done them for a while when we met: he was telling me he was proud of turning his life around because he had done stuff he was really ashamed of ending up at random after parties with people he didn’t know etc I then got worried because I didn’t know what he was referring too so he finally told me what he meant. It’s really messed my head up and I am sure others may find it amusing but it’s my life and something I am not sure how to handle.

OP posts:
Swirls346 · 18/12/2023 20:50

Never ignore your gut feeling.
If he's done that with men , whether he was under the influence of drugs or not- he is probably bisexual or gay.
It's whether you can be in a relationship knowing that.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:52

I think you are right and this is my biggest worry, my gut is just not letting this go. It’s so hard because despite how he might sound in terms of drug taking etc he really (now is the sweetest man) and I will be gutted to lose him but I think I know what I have to do. Just devestated x

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread