Confession from my partner - advice needed

[Tinkerbell040]

Hi

this is the first time I’ve posted here so I hope what I post is ok as I am not sure who else I can ask due to the sensitive nature of the topic.

my partner recently told me that 5 years ago (when he was single) that he had 2 “encounters” with men. Not the whole way and he says he didn’t do the touch the men but twice he let 2 different men touch him (sorry not sure how graphic I can be and don’t want to offend so trying to be respectful but to make sure you get the idea) they used their mouth but didn’t touch his lips (BJ). Now at the time his wife of 11 years had left him due to his heavy use of recreational substances which he has now stopped completely. He says these incidents are the reasons why, because he did things he was ashamed of and would not have done sober.

now this is where my issue stems, he hasn’t cheated on me this was way before my time, however something in my gut is telling me that maybe he has some internalised homophobia and I just don’t want to be a cover story if he truly is gay. We’ve had many discussions about this as I am in no way homophobic and if this was just a bad time in his life and he did stuff he wouldn’t ever do again (behind my back I mean) then I can absolutely be fine with it but then why can’t I get it out of my head? I am not sure if it’s because my gut instinct is telling me otherwise or if it’s because it isn’t something that you hear everyday especially from a male situation. I have many female friends who have been with other women but not men.

I am ashamed to say I’ve been through his phone and didn’t find anything that would cause alarm in terms of our relationship but did find a message to an acquaintance of his that he sent back in 2020 that has a sentence in it saying. “Well you are fit” which seemed to be a joke in response to this man saying someone had sent him a d**k pic.

I am sorry for waffling but as you can see this isn’t a run of the mill problem I can really talk to anyone about:

I guess I just wondered if people would be ok with something that happened in their partners past like this which could possibly mean I would get my heart broken by him even though he has never given me reason at all to think he’s cheated.

I clearly can’t compete with a male if that’s what he prefers but he insists it’s something that happened under the influence of some crazy d**gs which he no longer takes and is so insistant it’s me wants to be with but then why is my gut not letting this go

I can't say as I would want to be with a man who let other men suck him off on what he says are only two other occasions. Admissions like that are usually only the tip of the iceberg.

Any partner can cheat in the future. If you dont think he is a closeted homosexual man who is using you as a beard then I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Well, I've had same-sex experiences in the past but I wouldn't describe myself as bisexual because it's not something I particularly enjoyed, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I don't think having had a couple of same-sex experiences means he's gay and you're a beard, or that he is or must call himself bisexual.

If you're uncomfortable with it, whatever, that's how you feel. But you can't "compete" successfully with women either, you know. Either he chooses you or he doesn't.

If he’s living a lie why would he tell you about his past and open himself up to suspicion?
This is a question only you can answer, as we’ve seen already there are plenty of differing views, I personally wouldn’t be bothered by this, the drugs would bother me far more.

So if he said he was bisexual but choosing to be with you / a woman - would that be ok?

I don’t think the past experimentation is a big issue, it is before your time. The question is simply (to me), is he happy to be in a monogamous relationship with you, now.

Thank you. I appreciate you view on things. I am not a part of the LBGTQ community but being bi sexual is the one part of that community I don’t know much about, can someone have had experiences with the same sex but be happy in a relationship with the opposite sex etc? I think I know in my heart the answer but I have to do this in a respectful way to him because if this is something he is struggling with I never want to be insensitive to that but I will be so hurt if I’ve been used to cover this up. I am truly heartbroken x

He can’t be straight and Get BJs off men.

That’s essentially saying that, on more than one occasion, he treated human beings like they were a sex doll. Just a hole. didn’t actually care who it was and didn’t even fancy them. But managed to get an erection and accepted the BJ. What sort of man is that?

and the first time didn’t make him disgusted with himself and he stopped taking drugs. He then did it again. Then just stopped taking drugs that he had been doing a while. Just like that?

Sounds like he has told you the bare minimum. Were these men sex workers? Just randoms he met that happened to fancy men and were really happy to give him a blow job for nothing in return? Was it the same man?

He has told you enough to make you think you know enough.

Your gut instinct is telling you something is off here. I would listen to it.

Bi sexual people have to pick one or the other if they want to have a monogamous relationship!

If I truly believed it was what he said it was then honestly I know I could forget it and move on. Which might sound crazy to some people but I could. What is worrying me is that even though I haven’t found any proof at all he is doing anything wrong it’s like my gut isn’t letting go of the fact that maybe he doesn’t really want to be with me but it’s easier (I am an insecure person anyway as I’ve been hurt) (haven’t we all) but I guess the explanation he’s giving me isn’t enough to satisfy my gut. But yes if I knew he truly wanted to be with me and was happy I am fine with his past.

Lots of people experiment sexually when they are single and free doing all sorts of things they wouldn’t do with a partner.

I’d be pretty upset if Dh was thinking about leaving me because of some hook up I had before I met him. People get in relationships because they love someone and value spending their life with them. They hook up with randoms for totally different reasons. They don’t cancel each other out.

I reckon this is what she’s worried about

yes and this is why I am struggling. He was obviously excited by something wasn’t he? But then surely someone who is bi sexual would be. I’ve accepted he’s bi sexual of course he is, what I am worried about is if he is secretly wanting to be with men but darent come out and I am just a cover for it all. I know I have to speak to him again but I feel bad because every time we talk about this I tell him I won’t bring it up again and I will move on etc but it won’t leave my mind and now I am not being fair on him. Just wish I was in his head and knew what the real truth was x

Experimenting with the same sex once or twice doesn’t necessarily make someone bisexual. Many people are curious about sexual encounters with the same sex and there are some party drugs where sexual inhibitions go out the window - curiosity and having a drug induced horn could be all it was.

The bigger issue is you don’t trust him to be telling the truth and unless you can live with the fact he may be lying then you have to do something about it or it will eat you up.

you need to ask yourself -

Would him being bisexual change how you feel about him if nothing changed in your relationship right now?

Do you think he is cheating on you? Are you worried he will?

or are you worried he’s fancying men when you’re out and about? Do you have the same concerns about him fancying women?

What is your dealbreaker and has it happened?
(No need to answer these questions they’re more for pondering)

Thank you, it is nice to hear an opposite view on this, I know the first reaction is he must be gay etc but this is what’s torturing me. When I talk to him face to face he is very believable in his replies and I feel like he is being honest with me, but then for some reason after a couple of weeks something will just set off in my mind again. I think it’s because I am so bloody used to relationships going wrong and getting hurt that I almost darent just believe what he’s telling me: think I need bloody therapy

Not if he likes women too and values monogamy. Not everyone wants to cheat or does cheat when they’re with someone they love and respect. Being bisexual doesn’t make you more likely to cheat 🤦

Alpenguin. Thank you, it’s nice to read a different perspective. The crazy thing is when I speak to him about this whilst he seems embarrassed he is willing to answer every question I have. He doesn’t ever make me feel like he is cheating and had he not have told me this I wouldn’t ever have worried, in fact it’s the first relationship I’ve had that has made me feel as secure as I possibly can, he isn’t a show off, he isn’t nasty he is a kind man who never disrespects me etc and I think maybe due to my past I almost find that impossible to believe. He leaves his phone lying around, I know his password etc but weirdly now I get jealous if he is around men, never women. But I wasn’t like that before he told me this. I hope how you explained it is exactly how it was, I am just unsure how to approach it now because he is going to get sick of me asking so many questions. He has said he is willing to answer any of them but I can’t keep doing that to him and I don’t know how much it will help me knowing every gory detail

Wow. So all bisexual people will cheat in their monogamous long-term relationships is what you’re saying? What a disgusting level of prejudice.

Why do people have to be labelled? The trouble is looking at things in a linear way. Just because someone has sexual experiences with a same sex partner doesn't make them gay just the same as if a person has a heterosexual relationship it doesn't mean they can't be gay. He may have been curious and the experiences have helped him determine his sexuality. For some people who have no issues with determining their sexuality this could be hard to understand but sexuality is often a more grey area spectrum. Why does it make you feel uncomfortable? If it's something you can't get past then you have the right to end things.

He clearly trusted you to open up and tell you something important to him so all I would say is if you do decide to end things, be kind and don't make him feel bad for experimenting with his sexuality.

He sounds bi and he's repressing it.

When I was single years ago I slept with two women. I am definitely content to never doing so again, I have no sexual attraction to women and it was a period of my life when I was going through a really hard time and I was drinking far too much.
What is your sex life like? Tbh he hasn't actually done anything wrong in his relationship with you!

The homophobia in this thread is shocking.
He experimented a couple of times when. He was single. He's given no indication of being a ahitty dh and you are all shouting leave.

If this was reversed and she was saying she'd experimented with women when she was single and my dh wanted to leave me you'd all be up in arms.

Being bisexual (which I doubt it) doesn't make him more likely to
Cheat.

I see someone casually who likes to play around with guys. Doesn’t really bother me as long as I’m not being put at risk. I’ve spoke to him about it and he can’t ever see himself being with a guy and only wants a serious relationship with a woman, but enjoys playing around occasionally. As we aren’t in a relationship it doesn’t bother me and he’s been open from the start

Been here. Got the t shirt. He went spectacularly off the rails taking drugs, sleeping with men, trans-women and anyone else he could.

Previous to this, the only sign was him admitting a blow job from a male friend years ago.

It didn't end well. He got involved in a drug dealer's company, some dodgy thing or another and I almost got caught up in it, through no fault of my own.

Extreme, yes. True, yes. Be very careful.