Page 12 | Confession from my partner - advice needed

Tinkerbell040 · 2023-12-18T20:24:57+00:00

Hi this is the first time I’ve posted here so I hope what I post is ok as I am not sure who else I can ask due to the sensitive nature of the topic. my partner recently told me that 5 years ago (when he was single) that he had 2 “encounters” with men. Not the whole way and he says he didn’t do the touch the men but twice he let 2 different men touch him (sorry not sure how graphic I can be and don’t want to offend so trying to be respectful but to make sure you get the idea) they used their mouth but didn’t touch his lips (BJ). Now at the time his wife of 11 years had left him due to his heavy use of recreational substances which he has now stopped completely. He says these incidents are the reasons why, because he did things he was ashamed of and would not have done sober. now this is where my issue stems, he hasn’t cheated on me this was way before my time, however something in my gut is telling me that maybe he has some internalised homophobia and I just don’t want to be a cover story if he truly is gay. We’ve had many discussions about this as I am in no way homophobic and if this was just a bad time in his life and he did stuff he wouldn’t ever do again (behind my back I mean) then I can absolutely be fine with it but then why can’t I get it out of my head? I am not sure if it’s because my gut instinct is telling me otherwise or if it’s because it isn’t something that you hear everyday especially from a male situation. I have many female friends who have been with other women but not men. I am ashamed to say I’ve been through his phone and didn’t find anything that would cause alarm in terms of our relationship but did find a message to an acquaintance of his that he sent back in 2020 that has a sentence in it saying. “Well you are fit” which seemed to be a joke in response to this man saying someone had sent him a d**k pic. I am sorry for waffling but as you can see this isn’t a run of the mill problem I can really talk to anyone about: I guess I just wondered if people would be ok with something that happened in their partners past like this which could possibly mean I would get my heart broken by him even though he has never given me reason at all to think he’s cheated. I clearly can’t compete with a male if that’s what he prefers but he insists it’s something that happened under the influence of some crazy d**gs which he no longer takes and is so insistant it’s me wants to be with but then why is my gut not letting this go

caringcarer · 19/12/2023 14:43

MySecret21 · 19/12/2023 14:10

He has not had sex with a man on two occasions 🙄

He has received oral sex from a man on two occasions.

There is a difference.

It’s a sexual act, not sex.

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You are sitting hairs. Straight men don't engage in sexual acts with other men.

BIossomtoes · 19/12/2023 14:47

Plenty of straight men (and women) have been sufficient bi curious to give it a go and decided it’s not for them.

copiley695 · 19/12/2023 15:07

Pinkpinkpink15 · 18/12/2023 23:59

Bollocks didn't men to post..

anyway he has a LOT of men coming to his house for sex, most of which are happily married. None if them want to be in a relationship with a man, live with a man, they just enjoy the sex occasionally.

all reject the 'hi' title (rightly I feel. Bi is a life choice, not just a sexual choice. It took me a while to understand, but I do now.

you can't be a man, but he doesn't necessarily want a man to be in a relationship with. My friend isn't going to be living with a man now or in the future. But he is going to be having sex with them. As well as the woman he lives with & others.

your bloke might be like my friend, or he might have just experimented & be happy to be a one woman bloke now, who knows??

I do know that nothing he says now will help you because he's already told you he wants you & only you. What more can he say?

I'm not saying I would necessarily believe him, people lie to get what they want. Straight, bi, gay...whatever.

all reject the 'hi' title (rightly I feel. Bi is a life choice, not just a sexual choice. It took me a while to understand, but I do now.

Bloody hell, I can't believe in this day and age people still believe shit lwuke sexuality is a choice and bisexuality doesn't exist.

copiley695 · 19/12/2023 15:12

porridgeisbae · 19/12/2023 00:13

I am just worried I am a cover story if he truly does want to be with a man

Most likely he's attracted to both men and women, not just men, as he married a woman.

Edited

As a self-confessed "ex-gay" (🤢) I'm not sure you're the best person to be giving advice.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/12/2023 15:22

caringcarer · 19/12/2023 14:43

You are sitting hairs. Straight men don't engage in sexual acts with other men.

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Unless you have some omnipotent knowledge of the full sexual history of every man, it’s impossible to know this. There will be men like the OP’s partner who feel comfortable and secure enough in their friendship groups and with their partners to be open about having had sexual experiences with men; and men who know that their friends, families and partners are homophobic or believe that “no straight men do things like that” who just keep quiet about their experiences and nobody ever finds out. That could include people who you would say for definite are straight, such as your own dad, your husband, your son.

Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 15:27

Didimum · 19/12/2023 12:01

Aw, are you irritated by someone having a relationship crisis? Does it annoy you that someone doesn't stick with very first thing say on an internet forum when in said crisis and very upset? Are you bothered that people can gather support and advice and change their minds? Sounds like you're having a tough day.

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Thank you. The supportive comments have really helped me no end. X

OP posts:

Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 15:29

User1789 · 19/12/2023 12:33

OP, you are very welcome, I am touched you think it helped so much.

I would say this thread doesn't seem very helpful, lots of people projecting their own, very binary, beliefs about gender and sexuality onto somebody else's very real, nuanced relationship, involving two very unique, delicate individuals with a little bit of baggage!

I would propose you search for some reading material about gender and sexuality and what long term relationships mean to you, to try to unpick some of the aspects of this that are bothering you so much. Hell, even some subs on Reddit would be more helpful than this thread.

I will definitely do that. I just googled relationship forum and sort of went to the first one Google came up with but obviously there are better more relevant forums for me to learn more and I think this will definitely help me get my head in order and hopefully enable me to stay with my partner and learn to trust him for the man he has always shown me to be. I actually feel a bit silly now for even letting myself get into a state over this x

OP posts:

Panaa · 19/12/2023 15:33

Vintageport · 19/12/2023 07:43

Ah yes, it’s the magic mumsnet mindreader. Knows better than anyone else because they can see The Truth.

No one is saying you can be attracted to both sexes and be straight- that is the definition of bisexual. But having one of two encounters with the same sex doesn’t mean you are attracted to both sexes- that is the point you are failing to understand. That is where you are wrong.

That it is ok to try something, realise it’s not for you & you aren’t attracted to that type of body- and knowing that your whole sexuality isn’t defined by the fact you tried it once is a pretty simple concept- teenagers aren’t stupid.

You seem to be able to understand that gay people sometimes have the odd experience with the opposite sex and after that they realise that it isn’t for them, but not the other way round- you are viewing heterosexuality as the neutral norm, ie, the presumption is that you might have to have straight sex to realise that you don’t like it because you are gay, but not allowing for the opposite to be true in any situation.

You also aren’t allowing for the effects of intoxication, kink, curiosity, self harm, trauma or sex addiction to name a few of the factors that can influence individual instances of sexual contact. You have a very restricted, one dimensional understanding of sexuality.

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No, YOU are missing the point that straight people don't have that curiosity or get urges to try to see if they like it.

As for your second last paragraph, I know, you know and we all know that gay or bi people sometimes try to hide their sexuality because they think or they think the world thinks that hetero is the neutral norm....Straight people however don't ever feel the need to hide it or try to not be straight, 'straight privilege' if you like....but if people did feel stigma for being straight, or if people thought that life would be easier if they were gay then we would absolutely see the opposite happening.

I would absolutely allow for self harm or trauma but if I said that sometimes people sleep with the same sex due to trauma and a desire to self harm then it would have been "oh so so only emotionally damaged people can sleep with the same sex now can they, BIPHOBIC"

I'm not allowing for intoxication or kink no. And I always find it incredible the amount of people who try to say for example that men sleeping with transwomen who still have penises are still straight, or if they find their partner was on grindr talking to specifically only transwomen..people say oh they're still straight, it's just a kink or fetish....blah blah porn addictions...always seeking out more shocking stuff....blah blah
It doesn't sound better to say oh don't worry, if he says he's straight then he's straight, he probably just fetishizes transwomen etc. as if dehumanising people, and even worse dehumanising vulnerable people is somehow supposed to sound less worrying for a woman than her partner being bi?

Trying to separate a persons kink from a persons sexuality is a huge reach

MySecret21 · 19/12/2023 15:39

caringcarer · 19/12/2023 14:43

You are sitting hairs. Straight men don't engage in sexual acts with other men.

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Differentiating sex from oral sex is not splitting hairs.

And bi-curious men do engage in sexual acts with other men.

And the clue is “curious” - it’s perfectly fine for someone who is sexually curious to trial something and decide if it’s for them or not.

He was high on drugs and allowed a man to give him a blow job.

That doesn’t mean that 11 years later he’s gay.

Vintageport · 19/12/2023 16:40

Panaa · 19/12/2023 15:33

No, YOU are missing the point that straight people don't have that curiosity or get urges to try to see if they like it.

As for your second last paragraph, I know, you know and we all know that gay or bi people sometimes try to hide their sexuality because they think or they think the world thinks that hetero is the neutral norm....Straight people however don't ever feel the need to hide it or try to not be straight, 'straight privilege' if you like....but if people did feel stigma for being straight, or if people thought that life would be easier if they were gay then we would absolutely see the opposite happening.

I would absolutely allow for self harm or trauma but if I said that sometimes people sleep with the same sex due to trauma and a desire to self harm then it would have been "oh so so only emotionally damaged people can sleep with the same sex now can they, BIPHOBIC"

I'm not allowing for intoxication or kink no. And I always find it incredible the amount of people who try to say for example that men sleeping with transwomen who still have penises are still straight, or if they find their partner was on grindr talking to specifically only transwomen..people say oh they're still straight, it's just a kink or fetish....blah blah porn addictions...always seeking out more shocking stuff....blah blah
It doesn't sound better to say oh don't worry, if he says he's straight then he's straight, he probably just fetishizes transwomen etc. as if dehumanising people, and even worse dehumanising vulnerable people is somehow supposed to sound less worrying for a woman than her partner being bi?

Trying to separate a persons kink from a persons sexuality is a huge reach

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Yeah, you don’t get it.

caringcarer · 19/12/2023 16:43

MySecret21 · 19/12/2023 15:39

Differentiating sex from oral sex is not splitting hairs.

And bi-curious men do engage in sexual acts with other men.

And the clue is “curious” - it’s perfectly fine for someone who is sexually curious to trial something and decide if it’s for them or not.

He was high on drugs and allowed a man to give him a blow job.

That doesn’t mean that 11 years later he’s gay.

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He enjoyed it so much he repeated the experience.

Bobbotgegrinch · 19/12/2023 16:59

Hi @Tinkerbell040

I'm a bisexual man. Well, I'm bisexual in the sense that I don't find men unattractive, and I had a few experiences when I was younger. (Like your DP, it never got as far as full sex, but hand stuff, oral etc)

Bisexual isn't really a term I'd use to describe myself in real life, because I vastly prefer women, and its such a small part of my sexuality. I use the term sometimes on here because it's vastly simpler than explaining all of the above.

I've never felt the need to declare to potential partners that I'm bisexual, in the same way that I don't owe them any information about any of my past partners. Some of them (including DP) its come up in conversation at some point, some of them not.

I've been with my current DP for 17 years, and at no point have I ever felt that I'm "missing out" on anything, and I think thats the case for most bisexual people. I'm no less likely to be monogamous just because I'm bisexual than a straight person is. Hell, the chances of me cheating with a woman are far higher than me cheating with a man, simply because I find more women attractive than men.

At the end of the day, I've been in the same relationship for 17 years, so me being bisexual has pretty much no bearing on my daily life other than me thinking that James Masters is by far the hottest cast member in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

That doesn't make me closeted, or likely to decide I'm gay at some point in the future etc.

MySecret21 · 19/12/2023 17:01

caringcarer · 19/12/2023 16:43

He enjoyed it so much he repeated the experience.

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Man enjoys getting a blow job…..

Shock horror 😂😂

If he closed his eyes it could have been anyone….. He may have been pretending it was a woman for all we know!

Pinkpinkpink15 · 19/12/2023 17:42

Begsthequestion · 19/12/2023 01:02

@Pinkpinkpink15

Bi is a life choice, not just a sexual choice.

what do you mean by this?? Sexuality is not a "choice", I thought we'd moved on from such ignorant bs.

This thread is depressing. Makes the pope look progressive ffs

@Begsthequestion

ok so maybe I worded it badly & it's been taken out of context/not in light of my other posts.

but Bi is a LOT more than simply having a/some sexual experiences with the same sex. It's about attraction & feelings not just curiosity.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 19/12/2023 17:56

copiley695 · 19/12/2023 15:07

all reject the 'hi' title (rightly I feel. Bi is a life choice, not just a sexual choice. It took me a while to understand, but I do now.

Bloody hell, I can't believe in this day and age people still believe shit lwuke sexuality is a choice and bisexuality doesn't exist.

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@copiley695

i admit I worded it badly. Very badly. But what I was saying (& you may have understood if you'd read my previous posts) is that Bi is about relationships/attraction & not just about sex. Having a few same sex experiences does not make someone Bi.

nowhere did I say, or imply, that Bi does not exist! In fact. Quite the opposite.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/12/2023 19:10

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 19/12/2023 00:15

if a woman says she's done that with another woman, no one leaps to the conclusion she MUST be bi/pan despite her stating otherwise, and yet SO many people do this with men.

Yes and why do you think that is? It's because male sexuality is different.

Straight women can (and do) dabble whereas straight men don't get off with men. They're just not wired up that way.

I'm sure the OPs relationship will be fine but let's not pretend her concern is unfounded. Especially after the high profile news stories this year.

Straight women can (and do) dabble whereas straight men don't get off with men. They're just not wired up that way.

Yes they do. It's called "situational homosexuality" or "any port in a storm".

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/12/2023 19:19

Panaa · 19/12/2023 00:26

How do you know who they're solely attracted to? They might say they're straight but they've had a sexual experience with a man so what they say and what they do don't actually match up.

I'm a 100% straight woman, both attraction and behaviour. I could call myself a lesbian if I wanted but it wouldn't make it actually true and if loads of straight women started calling themselves lesbians then we'd have people saying oh there's loads of lesbians out there who choose to only sleep with men 😂That's exactly why people trot out this whole "loads of straight men sleep with men" narrative. They're not straight. They just say they are. Huge difference.

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You raise a good point about people claiming labels inaccurately.

I consider that sexual orientation is about desire, who you lust after. A lesbian only lusts after other women, so someone who fancies men shouldn't take that label. But plenty of lesbians have sex with men in order to become mothers, it's something that they tolerate as a means to an end.

You can orgasm without actually experiencing desire, this is how people manage to masturbate without using porn. It's not a huge jump from that to having sex with someone you don't actually fancy as a means to orgasm, which could include someone of the sex that you don't find attractive. I personally think it's shitty behaviour to treat another person as means to an end like that, but my opinion isn't going to stop people from doing it.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/12/2023 19:33

Panaa · 19/12/2023 15:33

No, YOU are missing the point that straight people don't have that curiosity or get urges to try to see if they like it.

As for your second last paragraph, I know, you know and we all know that gay or bi people sometimes try to hide their sexuality because they think or they think the world thinks that hetero is the neutral norm....Straight people however don't ever feel the need to hide it or try to not be straight, 'straight privilege' if you like....but if people did feel stigma for being straight, or if people thought that life would be easier if they were gay then we would absolutely see the opposite happening.

I would absolutely allow for self harm or trauma but if I said that sometimes people sleep with the same sex due to trauma and a desire to self harm then it would have been "oh so so only emotionally damaged people can sleep with the same sex now can they, BIPHOBIC"

I'm not allowing for intoxication or kink no. And I always find it incredible the amount of people who try to say for example that men sleeping with transwomen who still have penises are still straight, or if they find their partner was on grindr talking to specifically only transwomen..people say oh they're still straight, it's just a kink or fetish....blah blah porn addictions...always seeking out more shocking stuff....blah blah
It doesn't sound better to say oh don't worry, if he says he's straight then he's straight, he probably just fetishizes transwomen etc. as if dehumanising people, and even worse dehumanising vulnerable people is somehow supposed to sound less worrying for a woman than her partner being bi?

Trying to separate a persons kink from a persons sexuality is a huge reach

Show quote history

No, YOU are missing the point that straight people don't have that curiosity or get urges to try to see if they like it.

Yes they do, just as gay people do: to be sure of their monosexuality.

BlackPanther75 · 19/12/2023 19:36

Edit

BlackPanther75 · 19/12/2023 19:41

Mari34 · 19/12/2023 09:15

Many men have same sex encounters when younger - a way of experimenting or just in the mood.

Where have you plucked that statistic out of???

Not in my experience they don’t… I don’t actually know any men who’ve had same sex sexual experiences other than a couple of gay friends and another who was sexually assaulted by a man .. and my friends are a pretty open bunch

PieAndLattes · 19/12/2023 19:47

lastchristmasigaveu · 18/12/2023 20:27

Run.

This. I didn’t. When the bells started ringing and the flags started turning red I still didn’t run. Really, really, should have. Go to the App Store and type in Grindr on his phone. If it says Download with a little cloud button rather than a Get button, you’ll know. In my (long and fraught) experience, if it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck, it’s a duck - or it’s at least duck adjacent.

Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 21:46

Bobbotgegrinch · 19/12/2023 16:59

Hi @Tinkerbell040

I'm a bisexual man. Well, I'm bisexual in the sense that I don't find men unattractive, and I had a few experiences when I was younger. (Like your DP, it never got as far as full sex, but hand stuff, oral etc)

Bisexual isn't really a term I'd use to describe myself in real life, because I vastly prefer women, and its such a small part of my sexuality. I use the term sometimes on here because it's vastly simpler than explaining all of the above.

I've never felt the need to declare to potential partners that I'm bisexual, in the same way that I don't owe them any information about any of my past partners. Some of them (including DP) its come up in conversation at some point, some of them not.

I've been with my current DP for 17 years, and at no point have I ever felt that I'm "missing out" on anything, and I think thats the case for most bisexual people. I'm no less likely to be monogamous just because I'm bisexual than a straight person is. Hell, the chances of me cheating with a woman are far higher than me cheating with a man, simply because I find more women attractive than men.

At the end of the day, I've been in the same relationship for 17 years, so me being bisexual has pretty much no bearing on my daily life other than me thinking that James Masters is by far the hottest cast member in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

That doesn't make me closeted, or likely to decide I'm gay at some point in the future etc.

Thank you for this, it makes a lot of sense. I think my worry of the cheating stems of past relationships and not even anything he has done. The bit I was confused about in this situation is that if he would rather be with men then there wasn’t a hope in hell he would stay faithful to me. What has been great for me in this thread is that I’ve learned so much about the spectrum of sexual preferences and it’s helped clear a fog that 1 or 2 experiences doesn’t make someone gay it can just be what he said it was, a lot of drugs (not clever but I feel comfortable in his explanation of this and I am very very sure he isn’t taking them anymore and hasn’t since just before we met) we live and work together, we rarely socialise apart and even when we do he’s never been out later than midnight and as someone who has been around party drugs I am sure as I can be he isn’t on them at all) .

and as you’ve said, even though he doesn’t see himself as bi sexual (his words) then he could well have been curious for a while or it was the lowering of inhibitions from the drugs which is what he tells me it was. Either way I think my biggest issue is my own self esteem and given that he’s never ever given me reason to doubt him I think maybe I need some therapy to heal from my past experiences instead of projecting my issues on him xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 21:49

PieAndLattes · 19/12/2023 19:47

This. I didn’t. When the bells started ringing and the flags started turning red I still didn’t run. Really, really, should have. Go to the App Store and type in Grindr on his phone. If it says Download with a little cloud button rather than a Get button, you’ll know. In my (long and fraught) experience, if it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck, it’s a duck - or it’s at least duck adjacent.

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Ashamed to say I’ve been through his phone (thoroughly) and found nothing to be concerned in terms of apps, messages, pictures etc. of course he could have another phone etc but there is no way of me knowing that but there was nothing to see on his phone at all. I know his password and he leaves his phone with me no problem. I don’t want to be naive but as for the phone he has with him there is nothing on there at all x

OP posts: