Confession from my partner - advice needed

[Tinkerbell040]

Hi

this is the first time I’ve posted here so I hope what I post is ok as I am not sure who else I can ask due to the sensitive nature of the topic.

my partner recently told me that 5 years ago (when he was single) that he had 2 “encounters” with men. Not the whole way and he says he didn’t do the touch the men but twice he let 2 different men touch him (sorry not sure how graphic I can be and don’t want to offend so trying to be respectful but to make sure you get the idea) they used their mouth but didn’t touch his lips (BJ). Now at the time his wife of 11 years had left him due to his heavy use of recreational substances which he has now stopped completely. He says these incidents are the reasons why, because he did things he was ashamed of and would not have done sober.

now this is where my issue stems, he hasn’t cheated on me this was way before my time, however something in my gut is telling me that maybe he has some internalised homophobia and I just don’t want to be a cover story if he truly is gay. We’ve had many discussions about this as I am in no way homophobic and if this was just a bad time in his life and he did stuff he wouldn’t ever do again (behind my back I mean) then I can absolutely be fine with it but then why can’t I get it out of my head? I am not sure if it’s because my gut instinct is telling me otherwise or if it’s because it isn’t something that you hear everyday especially from a male situation. I have many female friends who have been with other women but not men.

I am ashamed to say I’ve been through his phone and didn’t find anything that would cause alarm in terms of our relationship but did find a message to an acquaintance of his that he sent back in 2020 that has a sentence in it saying. “Well you are fit” which seemed to be a joke in response to this man saying someone had sent him a d**k pic.

I am sorry for waffling but as you can see this isn’t a run of the mill problem I can really talk to anyone about:

I guess I just wondered if people would be ok with something that happened in their partners past like this which could possibly mean I would get my heart broken by him even though he has never given me reason at all to think he’s cheated.

I clearly can’t compete with a male if that’s what he prefers but he insists it’s something that happened under the influence of some crazy d**gs which he no longer takes and is so insistant it’s me wants to be with but then why is my gut not letting this go

To be honest, this sounds like a you problem, not a him problem.

The homophobia in this thread is shocking.

Not wanting to be in a sexual relationship with a man who has had sexual relationships with other men does not make you homophobic. HTH.

If this was reversed and she was saying she'd experimented with women when she was single and my dh wanted to leave me you'd all be up in arms.

No, we "all" wouldn't. Every man or woman has the right to not be in a sexual relationship with another person for any reason, not just the reasons you find acceptable.

Thank you this is actually really reassuring to hear. I don’t know what I am supposed to do now because it’s his business and if I keep on at this I will push him away, as someone who hasn’t had same sex experiences I guess I just worry why it happened more than once, the drugs side whilst most people would be horrified I have experimented in my past (never with him as neither of us do it anymore and mine was literally a few times on a night out but I can understand how things can happen believe it or not) I guess the situation has thrown me as it’s not one I’ve been in before. Wish I could read minds at this point

You may well be right hence me asking advice, if it sounds like I am judging him trust me I am not, I just don’t want to be made a fool of if he is hiding something. I would support this man no matter what but I also want to protect my heart

Ok, so when you speak to him you feel more comfortable but then find yourself ruminating on what he said he did afterward? Sounds like this is more about your insecurity than anything else. If he was going to make a habit of being unfaithful, he certainly would not have told you about it surely? Labels are not always helpful - lots of people may have sexual encounters/experiments with same sex partners without seeing themselves as gay or bi - I think sexuality is more fluid than that. Your partner sounds like a nice man who wants to be open with you. The fact he had sexual encounters with men before he met you is neither here nor there.

Op, I think you need to try and calm down, be kind to yourself and give yourself more time. It's ok to be conflicted about how you feel about something. Sometimes it takes quite a while to process something fully before you can make the best decision.

FFS, people do change. Some of the replies on here are awful. My DH was a heavy drug user when he was younger and hasn't touched the stuff since we met. I know this because he chats openly with me about it but I do know he hasn't done it since we met because he doesn't go on big nights out and doesn't go to places where people would do drugs. It just isn't a part of his life anymore. OP's partner might not be doing drugs anymore.

Thank you, that message was kind and trust me right now I appreciate that. I definitely have insecurity issues which is why I wanted to ask other people what their view would be. I don’t think for one minute I have all this figured out at all. He really is a good and kind man, I am definitely scared of getting hurt stupidly it almost feels like being cheated on with a woman would be easier because I know that feeling, the poor sod hasn’t even given me reason to think he’s cheated I guess it’s just a more unusual issue I haven’t come across before. My mind can definitely be my own worst enemy

Oh my god - what is the advice on here?!

He used to take some drugs which lowered his inhibitions. And got a couple of blowjobs from dudes while doing so.

Big fucking woop. Everyone has experimented. I remember my first boyfriend coming back from a rugby dinner saying he’d shagged Charlie the winger (and when I asked whether he liked it, he just went ‘not really….it was just like kissing a guy!’). He’s happily married with kids, and never done anything since. Gave it a go and it was a no.

Or maybe your fella did enjoy it…why does that automatically mean he’s gay? Maybe he’s bi or poly or pan. I’m bi and haven't missed sleeping with girls for the last twelve years I’ve been with my husband. So why would your partner, even if he likes both?

He opened up to you. Let himself be vulnerable and shared something he’s not proud of from his past. These are things we’re forever complaining that men don’t do…what we’re trying to teach boys these days are things that are ok to do.

It shows how much he trusts you…how much he values you. How much you mean to him. Don’t let your own insecurities, bolstered by the advice from randomers on the internet, fuck that up.

Ok, saw a couple less judgemental posts that were written while I was writing my outraged essay. I roll back on my righteous anger 😁

Thank you for your kind reply. As funny as this may sound to some people this a very real thing in my life and I do know I can be insecure. I know at some point I have to make a decision because it’s so unfair to him too if I keep going quiet and then asking more questions when he’s already said I can ask him anything, I then say I am
fine then mess with my own head, hence me reaching out to others. I truly believe he is a kind and very sweet man who never needed to tell me this, I know a few of his friends know about it and maybe he was scared they would let it slip eventually and so he saw an opportunity to tell
me and did. Just hope it is in his past because if that’s the case I am fine with it. I am just scared of getting hurt

OP, he might be bi or he might not be. With drugs involved, anything can happen. But he clearly wants to be in a relationship with you. Bisexual people commit to a person just the same as anyone else, it doesn’t mean he’s constantly thinking about men any more than a straight man would be constantly thinking about other women — hopefully!

That said, if he says he isn’t bi, he clearly doesn’t identify as such. It sounds as if he was being vulnerable with you, admitting something he regrets and which he wouldn’t have done if he wasn’t so off the rails.

They definitely can. I know several people who identify as bisexual and don't cheat on their partners when they have one. (One friend did when we were younger, but the person she cheated with was the same gender as the person she cheated on, so it wasn't anything to do with her sexuality!)
It's really no different to anyone else choosing one person to be with exclusively.

However, if someone wasn't able to admit their sexuality to themselves, I'd say the chance of infidelity is probably higher as they develop more desire to explore that side of themself.

I also dont necessarily think he is bi though. Drugs fuck you up. People do things they wouldn't normally do either to get drugs, or because they're so high its almost like it's not even happening to them.

My mind can definitely be my own worst enemy

It's good that you recognise this. Be kind to yourself. You're scared, and it's OK to be scared. But before you take any drastic action, you need to work out why you're scared. Is it the evidence in front of you, or is it something from your past reaching up to grab you by the throat?

Saying "I feel it in my gut" is no guarantee that it's wise to act on the feeling. Those gut feelings come from all sorts of places.

You are right and this is why I haven’t spoken to anyone I know about it. I would never ever want to hurt him in anyway or out him etc. if this is what he says it is I am truly ok with it and I do mean that. I am pretty open minded and wouldn’t ever judge his sexuality. I guess just because it’s a position I’ve never been in before it’s scared me that you hear of men being married for years then coming out etc I just don’t want to get hurt, if in the end he wanted to be with a man and I was just a cover. I know this is more about me than him probably but it’s just not a situation I’ve had to deal with before and it’s thrown me a bit

Most of my gay friends have had at least one sexual experience with a woman in their lives, many of them several. They don’t consider themselves bisexual, they generally have no desire to do it again, their partners don’t worry that they’re going to be sexually unfulfilled and run off with women. They were just curious or drunk. The same can be true of straight men. Equally, most of my female friends have kissed, fucked or had relationships with women, me included. Many of us have since happily married men. You marry a person you love, not their genitalia.

I OP there was a thread on here recently called something like was this / am I bi-phobic

I recommend you give it a read. I think I'd be shocked, if this confession was out of the blue...but to be honest a lot of people, including myself, have done things when they were young, and drunk, that they have no intention or inclination of ever doing again. So I think those posters saying ' he's done it once, he will do it again' are being a bit judgemental and over simplifying things

Just to get it clear because your opening post is a bit confusing; your man, on 2 occasions whilst wasted, got a BJ but didn’t do anything in return and didn’t even kiss the guy?

if that is correct then he doesn’t sound like he’s gay or bi. He just got in a regrettable situation whilst under the influence and then bailed pretty quickly once he’d got his

i would suggest a relapse on the drugs is far more likely but only you can know for certain if this is a deal breaker for you. How long is this going to be playing on your mind?

Or perhaps he paid other men to suck him off. That was my first thought. Fits with the repressed homosexuality/bisexuality.

Big fucking woop. Everyone has experimented.

With the same sex? No they haven't!

How you have described it, is exactly how he described it. We haven’t ever had any issues in our sex life etc. As far as I am aware he hasn’t put a single foot wrong in our relationship and I definitely haven’t made him feel that way in our conversations I promise. We have had an open and frank discussion I think what I found a little hard was that he says he was disgusted in himself the first time but then let it happen again that’s what I find a little hard to trust. He was taking some party drugs ones I’ve never had but I do know even from the ones I’ve had in the past I could probably have ended up sleeping with a woman knowing I am not sexually attracted to them. So I can totally see how it can happen I am just afraid of the what if, I guess

@Meem321

I think your right. The scenario of having blow jobs but emphasising the no touching or kissing does indicate paid for sexual services.

I would be saying goodbye to this chap very swiftly if I was the op.

I could have put it better but I'm just explaining why someone having sex with someone of a different sex to the OP could be a bigger concern than someone of the same sex. It's nothing to do with prejudice.

This ^