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Original poster

Confession from my partner - advice needed

298 replies

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:24

Hi

this is the first time I’ve posted here so I hope what I post is ok as I am not sure who else I can ask due to the sensitive nature of the topic.

my partner recently told me that 5 years ago (when he was single) that he had 2 “encounters” with men. Not the whole way and he says he didn’t do the touch the men but twice he let 2 different men touch him (sorry not sure how graphic I can be and don’t want to offend so trying to be respectful but to make sure you get the idea) they used their mouth but didn’t touch his lips (BJ). Now at the time his wife of 11 years had left him due to his heavy use of recreational substances which he has now stopped completely. He says these incidents are the reasons why, because he did things he was ashamed of and would not have done sober.

now this is where my issue stems, he hasn’t cheated on me this was way before my time, however something in my gut is telling me that maybe he has some internalised homophobia and I just don’t want to be a cover story if he truly is gay. We’ve had many discussions about this as I am in no way homophobic and if this was just a bad time in his life and he did stuff he wouldn’t ever do again (behind my back I mean) then I can absolutely be fine with it but then why can’t I get it out of my head? I am not sure if it’s because my gut instinct is telling me otherwise or if it’s because it isn’t something that you hear everyday especially from a male situation. I have many female friends who have been with other women but not men.

I am ashamed to say I’ve been through his phone and didn’t find anything that would cause alarm in terms of our relationship but did find a message to an acquaintance of his that he sent back in 2020 that has a sentence in it saying. “Well you are fit” which seemed to be a joke in response to this man saying someone had sent him a d**k pic.

I am sorry for waffling but as you can see this isn’t a run of the mill problem I can really talk to anyone about:

I guess I just wondered if people would be ok with something that happened in their partners past like this which could possibly mean I would get my heart broken by him even though he has never given me reason at all to think he’s cheated.

I clearly can’t compete with a male if that’s what he prefers but he insists it’s something that happened under the influence of some crazy d**gs which he no longer takes and is so insistant it’s me wants to be with but then why is my gut not letting this go

OP posts:
ChristmasSteps295 · 18/12/2023 22:04

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 21:59

Because if you like cheese and you have a fridge full of cheese, you'll be less likely look in other fridges.

If you like cheese but have a powerful hankering for Spring Onion, you're more likely to look in other fridges.

Of course, you might still look around for some different cheese, but it's a lesser problem.

So that is why this situation might be more of a concern for the OP.

...and I am not opposed to Spring Onion in any way way.

Edited
Show quote history

That's complete horseshit.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 18/12/2023 22:04

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:59

Thank you. I appreciate you view on things. I am not a part of the LBGTQ community but being bi sexual is the one part of that community I don’t know much about, can someone have had experiences with the same sex but be happy in a relationship with the opposite sex etc? I think I know in my heart the answer but I have to do this in a respectful way to him because if this is something he is struggling with I never want to be insensitive to that but I will be so hurt if I’ve been used to cover this up. I am truly heartbroken x

can someone have had experiences with the same sex but be happy in a relationship with the opposite sex etc?

Yes.

You also have the right to break things off with him for any reason at all, including discomfort or uncertainty about his perceived or actual sexual orientation. The Equality Act 2010 does not apply to your dating life.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 22:05

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 18/12/2023 21:58

his real sexual preference will drive him to do this sort of thing again eventually.

Can we quit with the "bisexuals all cheat in the end" crap? It's not true.

Show quote history

I'm sure they don't all. But an entire lifetime is a heck of a long time to deny yourself something you're driven to do so it's not exactly unheard of. (No shortage of high profile examples in 2023.)

Didimum · 18/12/2023 22:05

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 21:59

Because if you like cheese and you have a fridge full of cheese, you'll be less likely look in other fridges.

If you like cheese but have a powerful hankering for Spring Onion, you're more likely to look in other fridges.

Of course, you might still look around for some different cheese, but it's a lesser problem.

So that is why this situation might be more of a concern for the OP.

...and I am not opposed to Spring Onion in any way way.

Edited
Show quote history

Cute analogy, I guess. But cheating is a product of poor character, not sexuality. If you genuinely love your partner and do not have poor character, you will not cheat.

You are saying bisexual people are of poor character.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:05

MrsRolandRat · 18/12/2023 21:58

I experimented once many years ago in my 20's with an another female. I'm definitely straight and it's not something I'd ever repeat again, I was on cocaine at the time and had I not been under the influence of drugs its's something I'd probably not have entertained.

So drugs can make you do crazy shit you just wouldn't think of doing it you weren't high/off your face.

I don't think he's bi or gay and he seems very genuine from what you've described.

Thank you. I know I am an insecure person I guess I just needed to hear a few different sides of the argument to make sure I am not being blinded by someone I love and what he is telling me could be the truth: he hasn’t given me any reasons not to trust him in our relationship it’s just not an issue I’ve ever had to deal with before x

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:07

CKL987 · 18/12/2023 21:27

FFS, people do change. Some of the replies on here are awful. My DH was a heavy drug user when he was younger and hasn't touched the stuff since we met. I know this because he chats openly with me about it but I do know he hasn't done it since we met because he doesn't go on big nights out and doesn't go to places where people would do drugs. It just isn't a part of his life anymore. OP's partner might not be doing drugs anymore.

Absolutely this… of all the things I am unsure of I believe 1000% drugs are not a part of his life anymore we live and work together and if he does go out without me he’s home and in bed by 1am I am not worried about drugs

OP posts:
Didimum · 18/12/2023 22:07

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 22:05

I'm sure they don't all. But an entire lifetime is a heck of a long time to deny yourself something you're driven to do so it's not exactly unheard of. (No shortage of high profile examples in 2023.)

Show quote history

Just because you are attracted to either men or women, it does not mean you are ‘driven’, seemingly against your will, to cheat on your partner.

So the majority of bisexual people cannot be in long term relationships, you are saying?

ChristmasSteps295 · 18/12/2023 22:08

MN is very strongly biphobic so I doubt you'll get many sensible answers on here. People are already spouting nonsense about how bisexual people can't be trusted.

I'm bisexual. It's never occurred to me to cheat on a partner with a woman. I don't feel like I'm missing something. I'm not inherently morally lacking. I'm not untrustworthy. I don't find my friends sexually attractive, male or female. And I'm definitely not a closet lesbian.

The chances of any rational conversation on this subject from biphobic people is pretty much zero.

If you don't want to date this man, you don't need a reason or to rationalise it. Just break up and get on with your life.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:08

LaughingCat · 18/12/2023 21:29

Oh my god - what is the advice on here?!

He used to take some drugs which lowered his inhibitions. And got a couple of blowjobs from dudes while doing so.

Big fucking woop. Everyone has experimented. I remember my first boyfriend coming back from a rugby dinner saying he’d shagged Charlie the winger (and when I asked whether he liked it, he just went ‘not really….it was just like kissing a guy!’). He’s happily married with kids, and never done anything since. Gave it a go and it was a no.

Or maybe your fella did enjoy it…why does that automatically mean he’s gay? Maybe he’s bi or poly or pan. I’m bi and haven't missed sleeping with girls for the last twelve years I’ve been with my husband. So why would your partner, even if he likes both?

He opened up to you. Let himself be vulnerable and shared something he’s not proud of from his past. These are things we’re forever complaining that men don’t do…what we’re trying to teach boys these days are things that are ok to do.

It shows how much he trusts you…how much he values you. How much you mean to him. Don’t let your own insecurities, bolstered by the advice from randomers on the internet, fuck that up.

Thank you so much, I needed to hear this x

OP posts:
GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 22:09

Didimum · 18/12/2023 22:07

Just because you are attracted to either men or women, it does not mean you are ‘driven’, seemingly against your will, to cheat on your partner.

So the majority of bisexual people cannot be in long term relationships, you are saying?

Show quote history

No.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 18/12/2023 22:09

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 21:59

Because if you like cheese and you have a fridge full of cheese, you'll be less likely look in other fridges.

If you like cheese but have a powerful hankering for Spring Onion, you're more likely to look in other fridges.

Of course, you might still look around for some different cheese, but it's a lesser problem.

So that is why this situation might be more of a concern for the OP.

...and I am not opposed to Spring Onion in any way way.

Edited
Show quote history

The huge flaw in your biphobic bullshit analogy is that people are not foodstuffs.

When I'm in love, I stay faithful because it's the right thing to do for the human being who has trusted me to do that.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:10

girljulian · 18/12/2023 21:32

OP, he might be bi or he might not be. With drugs involved, anything can happen. But he clearly wants to be in a relationship with you. Bisexual people commit to a person just the same as anyone else, it doesn’t mean he’s constantly thinking about men any more than a straight man would be constantly thinking about other women — hopefully!

That said, if he says he isn’t bi, he clearly doesn’t identify as such. It sounds as if he was being vulnerable with you, admitting something he regrets and which he wouldn’t have done if he wasn’t so off the rails.

Thank you so much, I just want to make it clear I haven’t in anyway made him feel bad for any of this hence me coming here for advice / support. What he did before we met is totally his business I think just needed to talk to people to maybe reassure me that this can happen and that I am not having the wool pulled over my eyes

OP posts:
Starryskies1 · 18/12/2023 22:11

He may be bisexual or he may be in denial. Maybe he needs to consider counselling to explore. As he was ashamed he didn’t tell you, so why now? It could have been related to a bad time in his life. How is your marriage did you have any concerns before. It sounds as is if it has made you panic as this is completely different to what you knew of him.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:12

AuntMarch · 18/12/2023 21:34

I also dont necessarily think he is bi though. Drugs fuck you up. People do things they wouldn't normally do either to get drugs, or because they're so high its almost like it's not even happening to them.

Yes I have taken cocaine before and must admit if there was a women there who tried it on at the time i probabley would have responded it just never happened to me. So I can totally see how it can happen. Think I just need some reassurance I am not being naive on this one

OP posts:
Didimum · 18/12/2023 22:14

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 22:09

No.

Show quote history

Really? You've said the majority of bisexual people will cheat in a long-term relationship, so I'm not sure how that doesn't equate to their unsuitability to be in long term relationships.

Please take your biphobic nonsense outside until you can enlighten yourself.

laclochette · 18/12/2023 22:14

I think you are being very compassionate OP, even while you are rightly worried and afraid as to what this means for you, it speaks well of you.

As you say the concern is that he may be repressing something here.

I find myself wondering if he did a lot of work not just to escape his substance dependency, but to understand why he became dependent. What was he hiding from or numbing. It could be many, many things. One of those many things could be his sexuality, as well as shame or guilt about it, if it's something he felt he couldn't be honest about - the two could be connected in that way, if you see what I mean. Do you know much about that side of his past? It could not be anything at all like that but I do wonder if counselling as a couple could be a useful next step.

Grumpsy · 18/12/2023 22:14

Ive had a same sex sexual encounter. My husband has had one in his youth (and more than a bj). It’s not something either of us particularly enjoyed or would do again. As such I wouldn’t call either of us bi - just curious and subsequently underwhelmed.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 18/12/2023 22:15

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 22:05

I'm sure they don't all. But an entire lifetime is a heck of a long time to deny yourself something you're driven to do so it's not exactly unheard of. (No shortage of high profile examples in 2023.)

Show quote history

something you're driven to do

I feel sorry for you, and anyone else who experiences such a powerful and overwhelming compulsion to have sex. This experience is not universal and I urge you to seek professional help for your nymphomania because sex should never be something that you feel "driven" to do.

Frozensun · 18/12/2023 22:16

You’ve been in an abusive relationship in the past. You’ve been hurt and want to protect yourself from that happening again. But, pre-emptively ending a relationship so that you don’t get hurt, is still going to hurt you. My take is that two encounters a number of years ago, does not mean he identifies as gay or bi. How does he treat you? Do you think he loves you? What kind of person is he? These things show who he really is. If you really can’t leave it, then it’s more kind to him to end it now. If it was me, I wouldn’t. But you have to work out if you trust him to have any kind of future.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 22:18

You've said the majority of bisexual people will cheat in a long-term relationship,

No I haven't.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:18

laclochette · 18/12/2023 22:14

I think you are being very compassionate OP, even while you are rightly worried and afraid as to what this means for you, it speaks well of you.

As you say the concern is that he may be repressing something here.

I find myself wondering if he did a lot of work not just to escape his substance dependency, but to understand why he became dependent. What was he hiding from or numbing. It could be many, many things. One of those many things could be his sexuality, as well as shame or guilt about it, if it's something he felt he couldn't be honest about - the two could be connected in that way, if you see what I mean. Do you know much about that side of his past? It could not be anything at all like that but I do wonder if counselling as a couple could be a useful next step.

Edited

Thank you very much that means a lot to me.
whilst I know some people could
find this amusing I love this man. It would kill me if he ever felt he couldn’t be who he really was if that was gay etc of course I would be incredibly hurt but that hurt would be nothing compared to if he took his own life for example Because he couldn’t be himself.

I guess now I don’t know if I am
allowed to bring this up again after he’s reassured me so many times that he wants to be with me etc or should I leave this be now and just see if anything else gets said or happens that makes me need to ask.

i am torn between wanting to help and protect his heart but also my own x

OP posts:
FigAndOlive · 18/12/2023 22:18

I think it’s so nuanced it is hard to tell.

I myself did something very very bad in my past that I deeply deeply regret (I’m not saying your partner being involved with other men is bad/wrong), I never told anyone, literally no one, but I felt like telling my husband (we were together for a while already, cant remember if before or after getting married but we were already living together at least). It honestly wasn’t me “testing the waters” or planning on harming him, I just felt that I wanted my life partner to know all sides of me, even the bad ones, and I know I’d regret if he happen to find out down the line in the future and not be able to deal with it. It was like lifting a weight from my shoulders and thank God he was understanding that nobody is perfect but people can change, we’re still happily married for 10 years, 2DC and he’s genuinely my soulmate. I am not saying it is the case with you and your partner, but it is not necessarily a run to the hills situation either, only you can tell by being attentive to the next signs.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 22:19

powerful and overwhelming compulsion to have sex.

Because men very rarely have a powerful and overwhelming compulsion to have sex. Oh wait....

FestiveFruitloop · 18/12/2023 22:20

izzygirlis4 · 18/12/2023 21:16

The homophobia in this thread is shocking.
He experimented a couple of times when. He was single. He's given no indication of being a ahitty dh and you are all shouting leave.

If this was reversed and she was saying she'd experimented with women when she was single and my dh wanted to leave me you'd all be up in arms.

Being bisexual (which I doubt it) doesn't make him more likely to
Cheat.

Couldn't agree more.

laclochette · 18/12/2023 22:22

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia Not everyone is suited to monogamy, including not all straight people. Some bi people in relationships want to and indeed make mutually agreed, consensual and successful arrangements to explore sex with partners of the opposite gender to their partner within loving and committed relationships, and many many other configurations of successful relationship...

I don't think making sweeping statements about how other people should live based on your own personal principles is helpful. You absolutely have the right to run your relationships based on your own principles, and for those to be respected by your partners and by society. But there are many, many ways to arrange a happy life, many of which will differ from yours!