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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confession from my partner - advice needed

298 replies

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:24

Hi

this is the first time I’ve posted here so I hope what I post is ok as I am not sure who else I can ask due to the sensitive nature of the topic.

my partner recently told me that 5 years ago (when he was single) that he had 2 “encounters” with men. Not the whole way and he says he didn’t do the touch the men but twice he let 2 different men touch him (sorry not sure how graphic I can be and don’t want to offend so trying to be respectful but to make sure you get the idea) they used their mouth but didn’t touch his lips (BJ). Now at the time his wife of 11 years had left him due to his heavy use of recreational substances which he has now stopped completely. He says these incidents are the reasons why, because he did things he was ashamed of and would not have done sober.

now this is where my issue stems, he hasn’t cheated on me this was way before my time, however something in my gut is telling me that maybe he has some internalised homophobia and I just don’t want to be a cover story if he truly is gay. We’ve had many discussions about this as I am in no way homophobic and if this was just a bad time in his life and he did stuff he wouldn’t ever do again (behind my back I mean) then I can absolutely be fine with it but then why can’t I get it out of my head? I am not sure if it’s because my gut instinct is telling me otherwise or if it’s because it isn’t something that you hear everyday especially from a male situation. I have many female friends who have been with other women but not men.

I am ashamed to say I’ve been through his phone and didn’t find anything that would cause alarm in terms of our relationship but did find a message to an acquaintance of his that he sent back in 2020 that has a sentence in it saying. “Well you are fit” which seemed to be a joke in response to this man saying someone had sent him a d**k pic.

I am sorry for waffling but as you can see this isn’t a run of the mill problem I can really talk to anyone about:

I guess I just wondered if people would be ok with something that happened in their partners past like this which could possibly mean I would get my heart broken by him even though he has never given me reason at all to think he’s cheated.

I clearly can’t compete with a male if that’s what he prefers but he insists it’s something that happened under the influence of some crazy d**gs which he no longer takes and is so insistant it’s me wants to be with but then why is my gut not letting this go

OP posts:
Cruiser123 · 18/12/2023 21:45

OP, I had a same sex experience with a woman 14 years ago.

I'm now happily married to a man with 3 children.

I would never describe myself as bisexual or gay.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 21:46

Richard1985 · 18/12/2023 21:39

Just to get it clear because your opening post is a bit confusing; your man, on 2 occasions whilst wasted, got a BJ but didn’t do anything in return and didn’t even kiss the guy?

if that is correct then he doesn’t sound like he’s gay or bi. He just got in a regrettable situation whilst under the influence and then bailed pretty quickly once he’d got his

i would suggest a relapse on the drugs is far more likely but only you can know for certain if this is a deal breaker for you. How long is this going to be playing on your mind?

If what he is telling me is right then yes that’s what he said happened. A big part of me understands it and can see how it can happen, if it was someone else posting this I would tell them it was his past and that’s not my issue, my worry is what if he’s down playing it and it’s deeper than that which is something I will never know. Is it ok of me to bring this up for a 3rd time and ask more questions or is that not fair to keep bringing this up?

knowing him and how he is now the drugs side of things doesn’t worry me half as much, I don’t know why but I feel certain in that, we live and work together and I’ve seen many people on drugs I would absolutely know if he had, had something and I would definitely leave at that point. He doesn’t go out late when he’s out we live in a very small town if he did it, I would know for sure

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2023 21:46

I don't think a couple of blow jobs from a couple of guys high on drugs means he's gay. I don't think it necessarily means he's bi. And there's nothing to suggest he's unfaithful.

So if you're absolutely sure about the drugs, I'd let it go. It happened on his last, when he was single.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 21:47

Cruiser123 · 18/12/2023 21:45

OP, I had a same sex experience with a woman 14 years ago.

I'm now happily married to a man with 3 children.

I would never describe myself as bisexual or gay.

Thank you, this is reassuring. I really do hope it is as he says it is and that he is happy in our relationship which he does seem to be x

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 18/12/2023 21:47

OP I am glad you are getting some kind replies here and have found some of the comments helpful to you. I hope you can work on feeling better about yourself and enjoy what you have together. I guess we all take the chance that our relationships will not work out in future - but that is not a given, which is what makes them so special when they are good. Good luck to both of you.

Getupat8amnow · 18/12/2023 21:48

Leave this man, relationships should not be this hard, filled with worry and doubt. Imagine having children with him then finding out he wants to come out properly. His being honest with himself, though a good thing for him, will crush you. He can be a nice man but still not the man for you.

Didimum · 18/12/2023 21:48

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 21:43

I could have put it better but I'm just explaining why someone having sex with someone of a different sex to the OP could be a bigger concern than someone of the same sex. It's nothing to do with prejudice.

Show quote history

Well no … a heterosexual man is amply able to cheat with a woman. What makes a bisexual man more likely to cheat?

Prejudice is having a pre-convinced opinion of someone without reason. So that’s exactly what this is.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 21:49

SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2023 21:46

I don't think a couple of blow jobs from a couple of guys high on drugs means he's gay. I don't think it necessarily means he's bi. And there's nothing to suggest he's unfaithful.

So if you're absolutely sure about the drugs, I'd let it go. It happened on his last, when he was single.

Thank you, this whole thread has really helped. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this and I am going crazy giving myself both sides of the argument that it’s causing problems because I am
being off with him and he has no idea why I am. I would hate to lose him if this is just something in his past. I would never forgive myself

OP posts:
ForTonightGodisaDJ · 18/12/2023 21:49

"Doing stuff you're not proud of" does not include changing your sexuality.

Richard1985 · 18/12/2023 21:50

@Tinkerbell040 You should ask as many questions and as many times as you want. If he does truly love you he will understand and accept why you are asking

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 21:51

Atethehalloweenchocs · 18/12/2023 21:47

OP I am glad you are getting some kind replies here and have found some of the comments helpful to you. I hope you can work on feeling better about yourself and enjoy what you have together. I guess we all take the chance that our relationships will not work out in future - but that is not a given, which is what makes them so special when they are good. Good luck to both of you.

Thank you for your kindness. I know I am
just a screen name on the internet and I’ve opened myself up for a bashing on here with this but I have no one else I feel comfortable asking in my real life. This message means more than you know to me

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 18/12/2023 21:51

If he is a good partner, you love each other and it's something positive in your life, then I really don't think finishing things would be right. Write it off as the past.

ARealFake · 18/12/2023 21:52

category12 · 18/12/2023 20:55

Well, I've had same-sex experiences in the past but I wouldn't describe myself as bisexual because it's not something I particularly enjoyed, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I don't think having had a couple of same-sex experiences means he's gay and you're a beard, or that he is or must call himself bisexual.

If you're uncomfortable with it, whatever, that's how you feel. But you can't "compete" successfully with women either, you know. Either he chooses you or he doesn't.

This!

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 21:53

Richard1985 · 18/12/2023 21:50

@Tinkerbell040 You should ask as many questions and as many times as you want. If he does truly love you he will understand and accept why you are asking

thank you, I feel that way and he doesn’t ever get mad if I do ask but sometimes I do wonder if any answer he gives me will ever be reassuring enough but as others have said that’s a me problem and not him. Hopefully I will get some clarity and be able to move forward one way or another with a decision that makes me happy

OP posts:
Grammarnut · 18/12/2023 21:54

Sharing past histories like this is never a good idea. What's past is past. He seems to be clean of drugs and really should not have told you about this incident, because it places a burden on you that you don't need. Think carefully about whether you want to stay.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 21:54

OrlandointheWilderness · 18/12/2023 21:51

If he is a good partner, you love each other and it's something positive in your life, then I really don't think finishing things would be right. Write it off as the past.

Thank you and I truly believe he is. None of this has ever been about me thinking it was behind my back it’s just a more unusual issue to have (well I’ve never had it before) it’s usually just men cheating so it’s thrown me a bit

OP posts:
gannett · 18/12/2023 21:54

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 21:25

You may well be right hence me asking advice, if it sounds like I am judging him trust me I am not, I just don’t want to be made a fool of if he is hiding something. I would support this man no matter what but I also want to protect my heart

Show quote history

It's a good sign that he isn't hiding this.

The red flag would be if he had gay experiences then tried to deny them, or said anything in any way anti-gay. That would suggest he hasn't come to terms with his sexuality yet. If he was closeted he wouldn't be confessing anything to you.

The reason you hear about the experimental gay experiences of otherwise-straight women but not of otherwise-straight men is obviously because thete's more social stigma attached to men. Look at all the homophobia in this thread for instance. Posters openly grossed out by the idea of gay sex, posters insistent that one gay experience must make a man completely gay and probably deviant. It's all vile. But that doesn't mean men who go on to lead straight lives haven't experimented for whatever reason (curiosity, drugs, loneliness, actual bisexuality, plenty of reasons). I've heard many a story from gay friends. It doesn't mean they can't go on to have monogamous heterosexual relationships.

Viviennemary · 18/12/2023 21:55

No. If he isn't sure of his sexuality how can you be.

Moonshine5 · 18/12/2023 21:56

At the very least he sounds bi

Hooplahooping · 18/12/2023 21:57

Hi

I dont think there’s a ‘right way to respond’ here really. My husband has had a pretty diverse and wild range of sexual experiences in the past - which doesn’t particularly bother me because, and this is v. Important, he is totally unashamed about. He isn’t hiding who he is behind his wife - he’s a (lovely) mad peacock who ultimately tried everything and picked me. That feels like a safe and happy place.

honestly. The fact that he is so ashamed about it - and you are worried he’s afraid to come out - seems like a hard thing to get past though. How can he ever convince you he’s not using you as a cover?

MrsRolandRat · 18/12/2023 21:58

I experimented once many years ago in my 20's with an another female. I'm definitely straight and it's not something I'd ever repeat again, I was on cocaine at the time and had I not been under the influence of drugs its's something I'd probably not have entertained.

So drugs can make you do crazy shit you just wouldn't think of doing it you weren't high/off your face.

I don't think he's bi or gay and he seems very genuine from what you've described.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 18/12/2023 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

his real sexual preference will drive him to do this sort of thing again eventually.

Can we quit with the "bisexuals all cheat in the end" crap? It's not true.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 21:59

Didimum · 18/12/2023 21:48

Well no … a heterosexual man is amply able to cheat with a woman. What makes a bisexual man more likely to cheat?

Prejudice is having a pre-convinced opinion of someone without reason. So that’s exactly what this is.

Show quote history

Because if you like cheese and you have a fridge full of cheese, you'll be less likely look in other fridges.

If you like cheese but have a powerful hankering for Spring Onion, you're more likely to look in other fridges.

Of course, you might still look around for some different cheese, but it's a lesser problem.

So that is why this situation might be more of a concern for the OP.

...and I am not opposed to Spring Onion in any way way.

BIossomtoes · 18/12/2023 22:00

mindutopia · 18/12/2023 21:03

Lots of people experiment sexually when they are single and free doing all sorts of things they wouldn’t do with a partner.

I’d be pretty upset if Dh was thinking about leaving me because of some hook up I had before I met him. People get in relationships because they love someone and value spending their life with them. They hook up with randoms for totally different reasons. They don’t cancel each other out.

This. If it had been two women presumably there wouldn’t be an issue. It wouldn’t be a problem for me.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:03

gannett · 18/12/2023 21:54

It's a good sign that he isn't hiding this.

The red flag would be if he had gay experiences then tried to deny them, or said anything in any way anti-gay. That would suggest he hasn't come to terms with his sexuality yet. If he was closeted he wouldn't be confessing anything to you.

The reason you hear about the experimental gay experiences of otherwise-straight women but not of otherwise-straight men is obviously because thete's more social stigma attached to men. Look at all the homophobia in this thread for instance. Posters openly grossed out by the idea of gay sex, posters insistent that one gay experience must make a man completely gay and probably deviant. It's all vile. But that doesn't mean men who go on to lead straight lives haven't experimented for whatever reason (curiosity, drugs, loneliness, actual bisexuality, plenty of reasons). I've heard many a story from gay friends. It doesn't mean they can't go on to have monogamous heterosexual relationships.

Show quote history

This makes a lot of sense. I have many female friends who have been with women and are proud of it. I haven’t heard as many men (in my circle at least be proud of it) he assures me if he was gay and wanted to be with a man he would come out (neither of us have children, his friends all know about this experience and I know his parents wouldn’t care if he was) so there are many reasons I should trust what he is saying. I guess just reading so many stories of married men coming out years later etc that it’s stuck with me that maybe that could happen to us x

OP posts: