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Original poster

Confession from my partner - advice needed

298 replies

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:24

Hi

this is the first time I’ve posted here so I hope what I post is ok as I am not sure who else I can ask due to the sensitive nature of the topic.

my partner recently told me that 5 years ago (when he was single) that he had 2 “encounters” with men. Not the whole way and he says he didn’t do the touch the men but twice he let 2 different men touch him (sorry not sure how graphic I can be and don’t want to offend so trying to be respectful but to make sure you get the idea) they used their mouth but didn’t touch his lips (BJ). Now at the time his wife of 11 years had left him due to his heavy use of recreational substances which he has now stopped completely. He says these incidents are the reasons why, because he did things he was ashamed of and would not have done sober.

now this is where my issue stems, he hasn’t cheated on me this was way before my time, however something in my gut is telling me that maybe he has some internalised homophobia and I just don’t want to be a cover story if he truly is gay. We’ve had many discussions about this as I am in no way homophobic and if this was just a bad time in his life and he did stuff he wouldn’t ever do again (behind my back I mean) then I can absolutely be fine with it but then why can’t I get it out of my head? I am not sure if it’s because my gut instinct is telling me otherwise or if it’s because it isn’t something that you hear everyday especially from a male situation. I have many female friends who have been with other women but not men.

I am ashamed to say I’ve been through his phone and didn’t find anything that would cause alarm in terms of our relationship but did find a message to an acquaintance of his that he sent back in 2020 that has a sentence in it saying. “Well you are fit” which seemed to be a joke in response to this man saying someone had sent him a d**k pic.

I am sorry for waffling but as you can see this isn’t a run of the mill problem I can really talk to anyone about:

I guess I just wondered if people would be ok with something that happened in their partners past like this which could possibly mean I would get my heart broken by him even though he has never given me reason at all to think he’s cheated.

I clearly can’t compete with a male if that’s what he prefers but he insists it’s something that happened under the influence of some crazy d**gs which he no longer takes and is so insistant it’s me wants to be with but then why is my gut not letting this go

OP posts:
DC1888 · 18/12/2023 22:22

Starryskies1 · 18/12/2023 22:11

He may be bisexual or he may be in denial. Maybe he needs to consider counselling to explore. As he was ashamed he didn’t tell you, so why now? It could have been related to a bad time in his life. How is your marriage did you have any concerns before. It sounds as is if it has made you panic as this is completely different to what you knew of him.

I don't think he's in denial or bisexual.

*Not that it really matters OP as he's chosen to be with you, but I'd believe him when he says he's not bi as he has no hang ups regarding sexuality given how open he is with you (and his friends). There's nothing to hide. It's those who avoid the subject/give away nothing that tend to have repressed their urges...ie. are in denial.

Didimum · 18/12/2023 22:22

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 22:18

You've said the majority of bisexual people will cheat in a long-term relationship,

No I haven't.

So please clarify what you are saying about a bisexual person's propensity to cheat. Preferably without using the analogy of someone liking cheese.

taylorswift1989 · 18/12/2023 22:22

Give yourself time OP. You don't have to make a decision right away.

Let yourself sit with the information for a while. Take a break from thinking about it. See how you feel in your body. Are you comfortable with him or anxious? Can you sleep beside him? Do you feel authentically yourself with him?

Maybe some couples or individual counselling would help. But it sounds to me like you are desperately trying to make things add up logically and find the thoughts that will bring you peace. But it's too easy to confuse and gaslight yourself.

So listen to your body. How do you actually feel? Sad, anxious, afraid? Give yourself time to process, honour your feelings, and you'll find your way forward.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:22

Hooplahooping · 18/12/2023 21:57

Hi

I dont think there’s a ‘right way to respond’ here really. My husband has had a pretty diverse and wild range of sexual experiences in the past - which doesn’t particularly bother me because, and this is v. Important, he is totally unashamed about. He isn’t hiding who he is behind his wife - he’s a (lovely) mad peacock who ultimately tried everything and picked me. That feels like a safe and happy place.

honestly. The fact that he is so ashamed about it - and you are worried he’s afraid to come out - seems like a hard thing to get past though. How can he ever convince you he’s not using you as a cover?

Thank you for your reply it’s good to hear from
someone who’s knows this first hand.

whilst I think he’s telling me he’s ashamed and it wouldn’t happen again, I don’t know if that’s fully the case as I know most of his friends know about it. When I’ve spoken to one of them and asked if he thinks he wants to be with men he said absolutely not because he has friends and family who love him and it wouldn’t be an issue, but I also know there can be internalised homophobia so maybe it’s not about them not accepting it but him not accepting himself or maybe it’s none of that and he was just trying to reassure me that it wasn’t something that would be an issue in our relationship. I’ve never had reason to doubt him and he told me this himself I didn’t find out so maybe it’s just me being totally insecure about myself and not being able to accept that maybe he did just choose me. I know I have unhealed issues from my past marriage and don’t want to ruin something good if it’s all as he says it is. I am so torn

OP posts:
Didimum · 18/12/2023 22:27

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 18/12/2023 22:19

powerful and overwhelming compulsion to have sex.

Because men very rarely have a powerful and overwhelming compulsion to have sex. Oh wait....

People who cheat may have this compulsion. Furthermore, people who cheat may have this compulsion and choose not to check themselves.

Are you saying bisexual people are more likely to have unchecked compulsions than heterosexuals? Because, meanwhile, we are still waiting for your description of behaviour of bisexual people in long-term relationships.

laclochette · 18/12/2023 22:27

@Tinkerbell040 Yes of course... compassion for others can't trump our compassion for ourselves and you must protect your own heart first and foremost! If you have reassured each other and you have no other reasons to doubt him, then it's a question of how much trust you have and can continue to build. He has to make his own choices and take responsibility for those, you can't do any more than you're doing. I hope he chooses wisely and acts with care and responsibility, just as you are.

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Opentooffers · 18/12/2023 22:28

Isn't the point whether or not he is attracted to you? And next, if he is monogamous and loyal in a relationship? He could be bi or pan, same sex experiences don't mean you suddenly bat exclusively for another team. What it does mean, is he's not 100% straight - like a lot of people.
Who he is, could be a person who has had experience of drugs leading to being disinhibitated, so social norms keep him from flowing with anybody for fun, and in everyday life he'd rather have a regular existence, and also considers others feelings. He was single at the time, so not being immoral.
It's difficult, I'd say all you can do is go off how you are together sexually, if no alarm bells then probably OK. If you ever get wind of him taking drugs though, you need to reassess.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:30

taylorswift1989 · 18/12/2023 22:22

Give yourself time OP. You don't have to make a decision right away.

Let yourself sit with the information for a while. Take a break from thinking about it. See how you feel in your body. Are you comfortable with him or anxious? Can you sleep beside him? Do you feel authentically yourself with him?

Maybe some couples or individual counselling would help. But it sounds to me like you are desperately trying to make things add up logically and find the thoughts that will bring you peace. But it's too easy to confuse and gaslight yourself.

So listen to your body. How do you actually feel? Sad, anxious, afraid? Give yourself time to process, honour your feelings, and you'll find your way forward.

Thank you, this reply is thought provoking and what I need.

when I first met him I did think he was quite a camp nature, but quickly learned he was in a 14 year relationship that ended, he was very honest with me and said he went off the rails at that point. He didn’t want the split.

nothing about him makes me feel uncomfortable in anyway and I was really surprised he decided to tell me any of this as I am sure I would never have known.

he isn’t sneaky with his phone I know his password etc we live and work together he goes out maybe once a month with his friends but is always home by 1am I’ve no reason to doubt anything now… but as you say I am such a logical thinker that I am struggling to make it make sense. He told me is ashamed that it happened but it happened more than once, but maybe I’ve interpreted that wrongly because maybe since stopping the partying his embarrassed that the partying got so bad he was doing things he wouldn’t have done if he wasn’t on drugs, he told me at that time he didn’t care if he lived or died. We have a lovely business now our 3 dogs and a nice life just wish my head wouldn’t keep going over this.

i do think maybe I need therapy due to a past marriage and finding it hard to trust what people tell me is the truth. I don’t want to ruin our relationship by pushing this if he doesn’t have anything else to tell me.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/12/2023 22:30

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:22

Thank you for your reply it’s good to hear from
someone who’s knows this first hand.

whilst I think he’s telling me he’s ashamed and it wouldn’t happen again, I don’t know if that’s fully the case as I know most of his friends know about it. When I’ve spoken to one of them and asked if he thinks he wants to be with men he said absolutely not because he has friends and family who love him and it wouldn’t be an issue, but I also know there can be internalised homophobia so maybe it’s not about them not accepting it but him not accepting himself or maybe it’s none of that and he was just trying to reassure me that it wasn’t something that would be an issue in our relationship. I’ve never had reason to doubt him and he told me this himself I didn’t find out so maybe it’s just me being totally insecure about myself and not being able to accept that maybe he did just choose me. I know I have unhealed issues from my past marriage and don’t want to ruin something good if it’s all as he says it is. I am so torn

Show quote history

Maybe you should start counselling or something to work on your unresolved issues, then. It'll stand you in good stead whether this relationship is the right one for you or not. You need to be able to trust yourself as well as him.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:31

Opentooffers · 18/12/2023 22:28

Isn't the point whether or not he is attracted to you? And next, if he is monogamous and loyal in a relationship? He could be bi or pan, same sex experiences don't mean you suddenly bat exclusively for another team. What it does mean, is he's not 100% straight - like a lot of people.
Who he is, could be a person who has had experience of drugs leading to being disinhibitated, so social norms keep him from flowing with anybody for fun, and in everyday life he'd rather have a regular existence, and also considers others feelings. He was single at the time, so not being immoral.
It's difficult, I'd say all you can do is go off how you are together sexually, if no alarm bells then probably OK. If you ever get wind of him taking drugs though, you need to reassess.

Thank you. This makes a lot of sense x

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:34

laclochette · 18/12/2023 22:27

@Tinkerbell040 Yes of course... compassion for others can't trump our compassion for ourselves and you must protect your own heart first and foremost! If you have reassured each other and you have no other reasons to doubt him, then it's a question of how much trust you have and can continue to build. He has to make his own choices and take responsibility for those, you can't do any more than you're doing. I hope he chooses wisely and acts with care and responsibility, just as you are.

Thank you so much, I read a quote somewhere saying “love is giving someone a loaded gun and trusting them not to shoot you” it really resonated with me. I know I have lots of issues I need to work on which is why this has helped so much. I feel so much calmer having seen some of these replies. Of course there will be people who will think otherwise but just seeing both sides of the argument has really helped x

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:35

category12 · 18/12/2023 22:30

Maybe you should start counselling or something to work on your unresolved issues, then. It'll stand you in good stead whether this relationship is the right one for you or not. You need to be able to trust yourself as well as him.

Show quote history

Yes absolutely I will definitely be looking into this. I clearly need it xx

OP posts:
Prayfortheangels · 18/12/2023 22:35

ChristmasSteps295 · 18/12/2023 22:04

That's complete horseshit.

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Of the highest order.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:37

DC1888 · 18/12/2023 22:22

I don't think he's in denial or bisexual.

*Not that it really matters OP as he's chosen to be with you, but I'd believe him when he says he's not bi as he has no hang ups regarding sexuality given how open he is with you (and his friends). There's nothing to hide. It's those who avoid the subject/give away nothing that tend to have repressed their urges...ie. are in denial.

Show quote history

Thank you this is really reassuring for me. Which might sound strange given that it is strangers from the internet but other than his one friend I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this as I don’t to embarrass him either x

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 18/12/2023 22:40

God some of the replies on this thread are so saddening to read. I think he should feel proud of himself for turning his life around. He used drugs and got himself into some dodgy situations, including participating in sexual things he wouldn’t do now. He lost a marriage over it. He did the work to change, and he opened up to you about that period of his life while you were having a deep and intense discussion.

I have no idea why he should be judged negatively for that, I think it shows bravery and strength and that you share a bond where he felt able to trust you with something he felt ashamed of. That is actually something quite special, who he is and has become and the trust you share with one another. it’s sad he does feel ashamed - it was a couple of instances of same sex experimentation ffs. Given many of these responses though you can see where the shame came from.

FWIW many people try stuff sexually or are even into things for periods of time sexually and then their tastes change. Not to mention ‘party drugs’ as you call them mean you have a totally different perception to normal. In my misbegotten youth I did a few sexual things while plastered i’d not do now. Doesn’t mean that is some latent sexuality, it means I was shitfaced and someone wanted to get naked with me. Really no deeper than that.

As for the leaving him over his previous drug habits comments - really disagree. It’s a total fallacy that we stay the same all our lives with the same tastes or desires or vices. Many people have pasts they would not go back to and it can take a lot of balls to face up to things like addiction and change your life. Judge him on who he is now and who he has been to you.

lto2019 · 18/12/2023 22:40

Personally - it wouldn't bother me what some one did before they met me (murder etc aside) I have a friend who said he has had a couple of gay experiences - in the past as he wanted to basically. He has only had relationships with women and is only interested in relationships with women . He told me that he wouldn't tell a future partner as it may put them off. I don't think it means he is using you to mask - it sounds like a specific time that is in the past.

Coyoacan · 18/12/2023 22:42

My ex tried sleeping with a man to find out if he was gay. He didn't like it and just celebrated 45 years of marriage to a wonderful woman.

If you have a good relationship, I don't think that is sufficient reason to chuck it all away

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:43

ChristmasSteps295 · 18/12/2023 22:08

MN is very strongly biphobic so I doubt you'll get many sensible answers on here. People are already spouting nonsense about how bisexual people can't be trusted.

I'm bisexual. It's never occurred to me to cheat on a partner with a woman. I don't feel like I'm missing something. I'm not inherently morally lacking. I'm not untrustworthy. I don't find my friends sexually attractive, male or female. And I'm definitely not a closet lesbian.

The chances of any rational conversation on this subject from biphobic people is pretty much zero.

If you don't want to date this man, you don't need a reason or to rationalise it. Just break up and get on with your life.

To be honest I wasn’t sure where to ask any of this . I came across this group and decided to at least ask someone as I’ve driven myself mad the past few months.

its actually the opposite of not wanting to be with him. I really really want to be with him I am
just very scared of getting hurt. I don’t mean to offend anyone at all and if I have I apologise. As someone who isn’t bi sexual I clearly have a lot to learn

selfishly I was hoping to get replies saying that I am not stupid for believing what he has told me and it’s been comforting to see some of the replies that have done that. It feels like it’s helped settle my mind a lot and will help improve things for me and my partner now.

thank you for your reply. I do appreciate them all

OP posts:
Hereandthere9 · 18/12/2023 22:43

My now husband told me about his previous sexual encounter with a man 4 years into our relationship, I had the exact same doubts. He does feel he’s bisexual but 20% men 80% women. I have to say it took a bit to get my head round. But we’ve been together 19 years. He’s not left me for a man. He told you. That’s a pretty big deal that he has and although you’re justified in wanting reassurance he’s being honest with himself i don’t think it should be a deal breaker. Your (and mine at the time) reaction justifies why it wasnt any easy thing for him to disclose sooner. Being bisexual as a woman is a lot more socially acceptable than for a man. Even my bisexual female friend once told me she thought bisexual men were gay and in denial.. sad really.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:49

Starryskies1 · 18/12/2023 22:11

He may be bisexual or he may be in denial. Maybe he needs to consider counselling to explore. As he was ashamed he didn’t tell you, so why now? It could have been related to a bad time in his life. How is your marriage did you have any concerns before. It sounds as is if it has made you panic as this is completely different to what you knew of him.

We aren’t married but in a relationship of 3 years, I haven’t actually asked why he didn’t tell me before but I can only put it down to maybe he was scared of my reaction, his close friends do know of what happened so maybe he felt like he should tell me incase they did (not that they would I am sure of that) I think because you don’t hear so much of men experimenting etc as much it just shocked me I think. It’s weird because in some respects he says he regrets it but then has also said to me…if you had been with a girl I wouldn’t think twice so that makes me thing he is not as ashamed of it as I thought it was. He has also obviously told his friends too or maybe they just know the people he has had these experiences with. I don’t know for sure and don’t know if I even want to know. He said I don’t know either of those men and if I did he would tell me. He no longer takes drugs and parties like he was and he cut that crowd off when he got himself out of that party life’.

OP posts:
Teenagehorrorbag · 18/12/2023 22:50

When he says he's not bi I assume he means he tried it a couple of times and realised it wasn't for him. I've never been been tempted to try a woman but I guess if you were a little unsure you'd try it and see? And then either think 'yep, that's for me' or 'no it's not'.

I would accept his comment that he isn't - after all he should know?

(Commenting as someone who has no idea about these things, though. Maybe4 some men do lie for various reasons, family setups or whatever)?

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:51

Grumpsy · 18/12/2023 22:14

Ive had a same sex sexual encounter. My husband has had one in his youth (and more than a bj). It’s not something either of us particularly enjoyed or would do again. As such I wouldn’t call either of us bi - just curious and subsequently underwhelmed.

Edited

Thank you, it’s very comforting to hear that because that is effectively what he is telling me. I guess I just needed to hear that it could be the truth and that he’s not hiding anything more from me x

OP posts:
Torganer · 18/12/2023 22:54

I have taken drugs in my time, also drank a lot of alcohol on occasions - and smoked!! I’ve also had an experience with someone of the same sex. I’m happily married with children and have no urge to cheat, take drugs, smoke, get blind drunk. I’m very happy with my life.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 18/12/2023 22:58

laclochette · 18/12/2023 22:22

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia Not everyone is suited to monogamy, including not all straight people. Some bi people in relationships want to and indeed make mutually agreed, consensual and successful arrangements to explore sex with partners of the opposite gender to their partner within loving and committed relationships, and many many other configurations of successful relationship...

I don't think making sweeping statements about how other people should live based on your own personal principles is helpful. You absolutely have the right to run your relationships based on your own principles, and for those to be respected by your partners and by society. But there are many, many ways to arrange a happy life, many of which will differ from yours!

My point is that bisexual people are no more predisposed to cheating than anyone else. I'm well aware of mutually-desired non-monogamy and I don't judge anyone who has multiple relationships in an open and honest way.

I repeat, my point was to rebut biphobia and in particular the biphobic notion that we think of and treat our partners like foodstuffs instead of people.