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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confession from my partner - advice needed

298 replies

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:24

Hi

this is the first time I’ve posted here so I hope what I post is ok as I am not sure who else I can ask due to the sensitive nature of the topic.

my partner recently told me that 5 years ago (when he was single) that he had 2 “encounters” with men. Not the whole way and he says he didn’t do the touch the men but twice he let 2 different men touch him (sorry not sure how graphic I can be and don’t want to offend so trying to be respectful but to make sure you get the idea) they used their mouth but didn’t touch his lips (BJ). Now at the time his wife of 11 years had left him due to his heavy use of recreational substances which he has now stopped completely. He says these incidents are the reasons why, because he did things he was ashamed of and would not have done sober.

now this is where my issue stems, he hasn’t cheated on me this was way before my time, however something in my gut is telling me that maybe he has some internalised homophobia and I just don’t want to be a cover story if he truly is gay. We’ve had many discussions about this as I am in no way homophobic and if this was just a bad time in his life and he did stuff he wouldn’t ever do again (behind my back I mean) then I can absolutely be fine with it but then why can’t I get it out of my head? I am not sure if it’s because my gut instinct is telling me otherwise or if it’s because it isn’t something that you hear everyday especially from a male situation. I have many female friends who have been with other women but not men.

I am ashamed to say I’ve been through his phone and didn’t find anything that would cause alarm in terms of our relationship but did find a message to an acquaintance of his that he sent back in 2020 that has a sentence in it saying. “Well you are fit” which seemed to be a joke in response to this man saying someone had sent him a d**k pic.

I am sorry for waffling but as you can see this isn’t a run of the mill problem I can really talk to anyone about:

I guess I just wondered if people would be ok with something that happened in their partners past like this which could possibly mean I would get my heart broken by him even though he has never given me reason at all to think he’s cheated.

I clearly can’t compete with a male if that’s what he prefers but he insists it’s something that happened under the influence of some crazy d**gs which he no longer takes and is so insistant it’s me wants to be with but then why is my gut not letting this go

OP posts:
Twilight7777 · 19/12/2023 04:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Psyberbaby · 19/12/2023 04:53

Only a few pages ago you were convinced you were going to follow your gut and "do what's right" and ditch this guy.

You sound like a pain IMO

Twilight7777 · 19/12/2023 05:26

I’ve misread the thread and mistakenly thought the op was talking about a new relationship, not a long term one.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 07:37

Psyberbaby · 19/12/2023 04:53

Only a few pages ago you were convinced you were going to follow your gut and "do what's right" and ditch this guy.

You sound like a pain IMO

Yes can see why it looks like that, because I was so unsure in what he had told me I revert to must follow my gut but seeing that this isn’t as an unusual situation as I first thought has helped me look at things from a different perspective. Sure I am a pain in many ways you aren’t wrong there but I am also confused about something I haven’t dealt with before and appreciate that many people have come at this kindly and offered their advice as truthfully as they can, good or bad and I appreciate that

OP posts:
Vintageport · 19/12/2023 07:43

Panaa · 19/12/2023 01:04

Calling someone ignorant doesn't make it true.

I am aware of the complexity and nuances of sexuality, and we have seen in recent years all of the new labels that have popped up to reflect that. However for some reason people want to keep putting everyone into the straight category even when there are plenty of other categories they could go in which accurately reflect the nuances and complexity 🤔

People complain about bi-erasure but it's bisexual people who seem to be most guilty of this, and I also think that people do young bisexual people a disservice by telling them that that of course you can sleep with and be attracted to both sexes and still be straight. For Gods sake what a confusing message for young people who are of the generation where they would actually be more willing and able to be proud of the fact that they're bisexual and not be ashamed. I don't get it at all. It's actually going backwards now and not forwards!!

Thinking you know better than someone what their own sexuality is a colossal amount of arrogance.

It's not thinking you know better than them.
It's thinking that they are not telling the truth. Big difference
I don't believe that they think they're 100% straight so I'm not thinking I know better than them. They know they're not, they just won't admit it.

Show quote history

Ah yes, it’s the magic mumsnet mindreader. Knows better than anyone else because they can see The Truth.

No one is saying you can be attracted to both sexes and be straight- that is the definition of bisexual. But having one of two encounters with the same sex doesn’t mean you are attracted to both sexes- that is the point you are failing to understand. That is where you are wrong.

That it is ok to try something, realise it’s not for you & you aren’t attracted to that type of body- and knowing that your whole sexuality isn’t defined by the fact you tried it once is a pretty simple concept- teenagers aren’t stupid.

You seem to be able to understand that gay people sometimes have the odd experience with the opposite sex and after that they realise that it isn’t for them, but not the other way round- you are viewing heterosexuality as the neutral norm, ie, the presumption is that you might have to have straight sex to realise that you don’t like it because you are gay, but not allowing for the opposite to be true in any situation.

You also aren’t allowing for the effects of intoxication, kink, curiosity, self harm, trauma or sex addiction to name a few of the factors that can influence individual instances of sexual contact. You have a very restricted, one dimensional understanding of sexuality.

MySecret21 · 19/12/2023 07:49

I have name changed for this.

I am 41 now and I first realised I was attracted to women as well as men when I was 17.

I have felt chemistry with women many times over the last 20+ years but I have only acted on it once which was about 16 years ago.

Even though I have only been with a woman once I still class myself as bisexual and I still feel attracted to some women I meet.

Earlier this year I had to tell one of my friends I couldn’t see her anymore as my feelings had started to become more of that than friendship.

I am happily married to a man and we have two children and although I love my husband very much and would never cheat on him (as far as anyone can say with certainty) I do miss aspects of being with a woman.

The way I feel about men and women are very different, and the way I feel when I’m with a man is different to how I feel when I’m with a woman and so for me, the hard part of being bisexual is that ultimately I had to make a choice….I had to sacrifice one sex for the other. By choosing to be with my husband I have sacrificed how it feels to be with a woman and all the emotion/feelings that come with being with a woman.

I’m pretty sure that had I chosen to be with a woman there would be aspects of being with a man that I would miss.

My husband does not know about my previous experience with a woman and he does not know that I consider myself bisexual as I’m pretty sure he would feel exactly the same as you do….always wondering whether he was enough for me.

I could tell him until I was blue in the face that I loved him and I was happy with him and that he had nothing to worry about, but I’m not sure he’d believe me for the same reason you are struggling to believe your partner.

You have no reason to think your partner would cheat on you, just like my husband would have no reason to think I would cheat on him…..but sadly, as this thread has shown, being bisexual comes with a label which screams “This person is going to cheat” and it’s based on nothing but prejudice.

My opinion is that if he has told you this then it’s likely he’s being truthful and that there’s nothing more to it than what he’s said.

FestiveFruitloop · 19/12/2023 08:20

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 19/12/2023 04:10

Sorry, it's never just once.
The more they do it, the more they want it, and the further it goes.

Not true.

User1789 · 19/12/2023 08:46

I'm going to speak to you as a bisexual woman who is happily married to a man, and has a number of friends who have previously had substance abuse problems.

  1. Your husband has chosen to be honest with you, in order to be vulnerable with you, in order to improve the intimacy of your relationship. That is very special and necessary for long-term commitment.
  2. The scale of the vulnerability he has exposed himself to, is much higher than many women or 'gold star' straight men on here can comprehend, due to the nature of the stigma associated with male same-sex sex acts.
  3. His own labelling of his sexual orientation is his business, and you need to trust him to be honest with you about where this is at. If he describes himself as somebody who has had same-sex experiences but doesn't view himself as gay or bi, that is legitimate. Sexuality, and bisexuality are on a spectrum, and we don't have many words for people who are predominantly heterosexual but curious or at least capable of enjoying sex with the same sex, occassionally, in our culture. But they do exist.
  4. You may feel that your own sexual orientation requires a man to be a 'gold star' heterosexual for you to be attracted to them. But that is your problem, not his. And quite frankly, it belies a slighly naive and restrictive understanding of sexuality and gender roles, which I beleive in long-term relationships are actually beautifully unique. Still, your boundaries are your boundaries.
  5. That said there may well be shame associated with his previous behaviour that he is unpicking as he comes to terms with his previous substance abuse issues. That may well include shame associated with some sexual behaviour he engaged in at the time that he wouldn't have done without the substance abuse issues. I would put this on the same level as somebody feeling disappointed in themselves at having lots of casual sex that got them into dangerous situations. Its problematic behaviour but it doesn't change who the person is.
  6. Substance abuse problems are complex, and so are the people in them. Some of the best friendships I have are with people with a history of substance abuse issues they have since overcome. These people are reflective, open and brutally honest, and you need to be brave enough to reflect that in your own behaviour if you are going to be able to sustain a relationship with somebody with this background. It can be deeply rewarding if you let it. Therapy could help you understand how they have learnt to frame the situation.
  7. You also need to be humble enough to listen to their own understanding of what drove the substance abuse/mental health issues in the first place, and what keeps them stable now. While about half of the people I know who have this kind of history are gay, assuming somebody's substance abuse issues are soley due to repressed sexuality is deeply rude and dismissive. You aren't going to get any honesty out of somebody by making this about you.

*I have only read half the thread as I found some of the biphobia on this thread quite upsetting. I honestly hadn't heard some of this stuff for nearly 20 years. I'm not even going to validate the idea that bisexual people can't be/don't want to be monogamous with a response. Monogamy is a lifestyle choice, sexual orientation is something you are.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 09:03

MySecret21 · 19/12/2023 07:49

I have name changed for this.

I am 41 now and I first realised I was attracted to women as well as men when I was 17.

I have felt chemistry with women many times over the last 20+ years but I have only acted on it once which was about 16 years ago.

Even though I have only been with a woman once I still class myself as bisexual and I still feel attracted to some women I meet.

Earlier this year I had to tell one of my friends I couldn’t see her anymore as my feelings had started to become more of that than friendship.

I am happily married to a man and we have two children and although I love my husband very much and would never cheat on him (as far as anyone can say with certainty) I do miss aspects of being with a woman.

The way I feel about men and women are very different, and the way I feel when I’m with a man is different to how I feel when I’m with a woman and so for me, the hard part of being bisexual is that ultimately I had to make a choice….I had to sacrifice one sex for the other. By choosing to be with my husband I have sacrificed how it feels to be with a woman and all the emotion/feelings that come with being with a woman.

I’m pretty sure that had I chosen to be with a woman there would be aspects of being with a man that I would miss.

My husband does not know about my previous experience with a woman and he does not know that I consider myself bisexual as I’m pretty sure he would feel exactly the same as you do….always wondering whether he was enough for me.

I could tell him until I was blue in the face that I loved him and I was happy with him and that he had nothing to worry about, but I’m not sure he’d believe me for the same reason you are struggling to believe your partner.

You have no reason to think your partner would cheat on you, just like my husband would have no reason to think I would cheat on him…..but sadly, as this thread has shown, being bisexual comes with a label which screams “This person is going to cheat” and it’s based on nothing but prejudice.

My opinion is that if he has told you this then it’s likely he’s being truthful and that there’s nothing more to it than what he’s said.

thank you for sharing this, stories like these give me hope that it is just exactly how he said it was and that there maybe isn’t something more to come. I think this thread has shown me that it is my past making me so insecure and hard to trust others and for this relationship to stand a chance I have to learn to trust my partner (who has never given me reason not to trust him) unless I find out anything more. I am not usually a bury my head in the sand kind of girl but on this occasion I do half wish he hadn’t told me. Thank you once again. It means a lot to me to see the other side of this dilemma x

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 19/12/2023 09:10

what’s clear is I need to either learn to trust a man that hasn’t ever given me a reason to doubt him or I need to be alone and not give anyone a chance to hurt me again - which sounds as depressing as hell!

This is nonsense, OP. You've given yourself an ultimatum that bears no relation to reality.

He has given you a reason to doubt him. The reason you've been discussing on this thread. Other people telling you that's not a legitimate reason to doubt someone is irrelevant. It's not their relationship, it's yours. What they would accept and feel comfortable with is different to you. And that's fine.

If you don't trust a man, it's not generally because you have "trust issues". It's because something in you is screaming "don't trust him!" and the confusion you're feeling is because you're trying to push down that feeling and rationalise it away. You don't trust him and there's a reason for that.

The reason may not be totally clear right now. But the feeling that you don't trust him is completely clear.

So the answer is not: push down these feelings or be alone forever. That's extreme black and white thinking. The answer is to consider whether it is possible to rebuild trust in your partner.

You can't guarantee no one is going to hurt you. Anyone can betray you. You cannot do anything about that. What you can do - what you absolutely have control over - is your own decisions and behaviours. Forcing yourself to trust someone you don't trust is a way of abandoning yourself. Telling yourself you're wrong, stupid, biphobic, have trust issues, damaged etc is just a way of not listening to what your body is telling you. It's abandoning yourself in the hopes that you can hold on to a man who you do not trust. Whether he ultimately deserves this or not, it's a destructive and cruel thing to do to yourself.

Now, whether you can rebuild your trust with your partner, that's a different thing. But you can't just push your feelings away and tell yourself to trust him when your body is screaming at you not to.

Could you say to your partner, something like: these revelations have shaken my trust in you and our relationship. I'd like to work on rebuilding trust with you, but I think it will take time. Maybe couples counselling would help.

Tell him you need time. Take time. Think about why your instinct is to abandon yourself. Think about what it would take to choose yourself instead. Think about why your mind goes to these extreme ultimatums. What patterns are you replicating here? Where did you learn to abandon yourself in an attempt to get love?

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 09:11

User1789 · 19/12/2023 08:46

I'm going to speak to you as a bisexual woman who is happily married to a man, and has a number of friends who have previously had substance abuse problems.

  1. Your husband has chosen to be honest with you, in order to be vulnerable with you, in order to improve the intimacy of your relationship. That is very special and necessary for long-term commitment.
  2. The scale of the vulnerability he has exposed himself to, is much higher than many women or 'gold star' straight men on here can comprehend, due to the nature of the stigma associated with male same-sex sex acts.
  3. His own labelling of his sexual orientation is his business, and you need to trust him to be honest with you about where this is at. If he describes himself as somebody who has had same-sex experiences but doesn't view himself as gay or bi, that is legitimate. Sexuality, and bisexuality are on a spectrum, and we don't have many words for people who are predominantly heterosexual but curious or at least capable of enjoying sex with the same sex, occassionally, in our culture. But they do exist.
  4. You may feel that your own sexual orientation requires a man to be a 'gold star' heterosexual for you to be attracted to them. But that is your problem, not his. And quite frankly, it belies a slighly naive and restrictive understanding of sexuality and gender roles, which I beleive in long-term relationships are actually beautifully unique. Still, your boundaries are your boundaries.
  5. That said there may well be shame associated with his previous behaviour that he is unpicking as he comes to terms with his previous substance abuse issues. That may well include shame associated with some sexual behaviour he engaged in at the time that he wouldn't have done without the substance abuse issues. I would put this on the same level as somebody feeling disappointed in themselves at having lots of casual sex that got them into dangerous situations. Its problematic behaviour but it doesn't change who the person is.
  6. Substance abuse problems are complex, and so are the people in them. Some of the best friendships I have are with people with a history of substance abuse issues they have since overcome. These people are reflective, open and brutally honest, and you need to be brave enough to reflect that in your own behaviour if you are going to be able to sustain a relationship with somebody with this background. It can be deeply rewarding if you let it. Therapy could help you understand how they have learnt to frame the situation.
  7. You also need to be humble enough to listen to their own understanding of what drove the substance abuse/mental health issues in the first place, and what keeps them stable now. While about half of the people I know who have this kind of history are gay, assuming somebody's substance abuse issues are soley due to repressed sexuality is deeply rude and dismissive. You aren't going to get any honesty out of somebody by making this about you.

*I have only read half the thread as I found some of the biphobia on this thread quite upsetting. I honestly hadn't heard some of this stuff for nearly 20 years. I'm not even going to validate the idea that bisexual people can't be/don't want to be monogamous with a response. Monogamy is a lifestyle choice, sexual orientation is something you are.

Edited

Wow, this has again helped me more than I can ever tell you. I honestly can’t thank you enough for explaining to me in a way that helps me understand it. I think I have made it sound as if I have a problem with the actual experiences he’s had and I promise that isn’t the case, the confusion for me came from the fact that as someone who isn’t bi sexual and after reading so many stories of men being married for years and then coming out etc and the fact I clearly have some very unresolved trust issues my first instinct was to presume what he told me was a lie and that he wanted to be with a man but didn’t know how to tell me etc. I know that must sound awful and I really do want to learn and understand other peoples perspectives. I know for sure I have very little understanding of this situation which is why it helps so much to learn and understand which is what I really wanted. It has made things feel so much more settled in my mind. I like to think I am an open person, so if there is something I don’t get I am happy to try and learn.

the biggest learn I’ve taken from this in all honesty is that I need to work on myself, stuff from my past and learning to trust that maybe I won’t get hurt this time round.

thank you x

OP posts:
Mari34 · 19/12/2023 09:15

Many men have same sex encounters when younger - a way of experimenting or just in the mood.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 09:20

Nt1993 · 19/12/2023 04:12

@Tinkerbell040 I hope this helps as there is a lot of biphobic people on here along with women who have been wronged and want you to be angry with them and ruin your relationship (misery loves company!)

Me and my partner are both bi, we’ve both been with men and women and I know he is more physically attracted to men, but I have no preference. We were pals before so we both knew this but we ended up falling in love and years later we have a beautiful monogamous life and family together. I had issues at first worrying I couldn’t live up to physical expectations as a woman but he made me feel secure and honestly I’ve never had any real reason to worry. I think people are under the premise that we swing or have an open relationship but that’s just not who we are - at this moment we are totally only about each other! I have noticed at some points (when meeting new people) my partner is uneasy to talk about previous relationships and his sexuality, but I truly believe this is due to the stigma attached to being a bi man. As I bisexual woman I’ve never really faced any issues or questioning.

Anyway - in regards to your situation, I really don’t believe your partner has done this so he can drop a bombshell or anything. I think it’s probably plagued his mind as (what he feels is) a mistake he made in the past and wanted to discuss with you, which shows how much trust he has with you. I know an incredible amount of straight men and women who have experimented with the same sex and found it not to be to their liking. It sounds positive that he has been very open with you during this uncomfortable conversation, also thank you for your openness to listen to bi voices in the comments!

I also am aware that certain party drugs can make you be more sexually open and are often used at sex parties, these drugs also make you feel like you are in love or have a deeper connection with everyone around you so this may have impacted the experiences he has previously had.

Only he knows his sexuality and it’s not for anyone to out him. If he says he’s straight then that’s great! Just keep the door open for him to discuss bi/pansexuality if needed. That’s all you can do. You sound like a good, understanding person.

Thank you so much for your reply. What you say makes a lot of sense.

what is clear to me and what I really admire about so many of these posts is the confidence in your relationship that even though you understand your partner may favour men, you know he loves you enough that this isn’t an issue for you.

my partner as far as I know has never hurt me or given me reason to think he would in fact. I am letting my past and the things I’ve been through cloud everything. I am effectively punishing my partner for what my ex husband did to me. I will definitely look into therapy.

this thread has been its own therapy session for me and it’s changed so much of my mind set.

i appreciate that so much x

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 09:28

taylorswift1989 · 19/12/2023 09:10

what’s clear is I need to either learn to trust a man that hasn’t ever given me a reason to doubt him or I need to be alone and not give anyone a chance to hurt me again - which sounds as depressing as hell!

This is nonsense, OP. You've given yourself an ultimatum that bears no relation to reality.

He has given you a reason to doubt him. The reason you've been discussing on this thread. Other people telling you that's not a legitimate reason to doubt someone is irrelevant. It's not their relationship, it's yours. What they would accept and feel comfortable with is different to you. And that's fine.

If you don't trust a man, it's not generally because you have "trust issues". It's because something in you is screaming "don't trust him!" and the confusion you're feeling is because you're trying to push down that feeling and rationalise it away. You don't trust him and there's a reason for that.

The reason may not be totally clear right now. But the feeling that you don't trust him is completely clear.

So the answer is not: push down these feelings or be alone forever. That's extreme black and white thinking. The answer is to consider whether it is possible to rebuild trust in your partner.

You can't guarantee no one is going to hurt you. Anyone can betray you. You cannot do anything about that. What you can do - what you absolutely have control over - is your own decisions and behaviours. Forcing yourself to trust someone you don't trust is a way of abandoning yourself. Telling yourself you're wrong, stupid, biphobic, have trust issues, damaged etc is just a way of not listening to what your body is telling you. It's abandoning yourself in the hopes that you can hold on to a man who you do not trust. Whether he ultimately deserves this or not, it's a destructive and cruel thing to do to yourself.

Now, whether you can rebuild your trust with your partner, that's a different thing. But you can't just push your feelings away and tell yourself to trust him when your body is screaming at you not to.

Could you say to your partner, something like: these revelations have shaken my trust in you and our relationship. I'd like to work on rebuilding trust with you, but I think it will take time. Maybe couples counselling would help.

Tell him you need time. Take time. Think about why your instinct is to abandon yourself. Think about what it would take to choose yourself instead. Think about why your mind goes to these extreme ultimatums. What patterns are you replicating here? Where did you learn to abandon yourself in an attempt to get love?

I understand what you are saying but as far as I am aware he hasn’t ever given me reason not to trust him nothing that I’ve found or that has been said.

I’ve had 4 serious relationships in my life and the previous 3 I was cheated on and lied too I truly do think that’s where the trust issues stem from because now I presume all men will hurt me, I’ve never had a relationship where someone hasn’t cheated (until this one as far as I am aware) the issue for me comes from almost waiting to be hurt all the time so anything that could potentially lead to that sort of triggers me into presuming it’s all about to go wrong.

I am sure there is more to this than I know to tell you. As I am not a physiologist.

so much of me believes my partner is an honest and true man because he hasn’t done anything to say otherwise but I am so scared of having to go through the pain of cheating again it’s almost like a self preservation thing I think (sorry if that makes no sense at all, just trying to explain the best I know how, how my brain works)

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 19/12/2023 09:49

Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 09:28

I understand what you are saying but as far as I am aware he hasn’t ever given me reason not to trust him nothing that I’ve found or that has been said.

I’ve had 4 serious relationships in my life and the previous 3 I was cheated on and lied too I truly do think that’s where the trust issues stem from because now I presume all men will hurt me, I’ve never had a relationship where someone hasn’t cheated (until this one as far as I am aware) the issue for me comes from almost waiting to be hurt all the time so anything that could potentially lead to that sort of triggers me into presuming it’s all about to go wrong.

I am sure there is more to this than I know to tell you. As I am not a physiologist.

so much of me believes my partner is an honest and true man because he hasn’t done anything to say otherwise but I am so scared of having to go through the pain of cheating again it’s almost like a self preservation thing I think (sorry if that makes no sense at all, just trying to explain the best I know how, how my brain works)

Show quote history

But the fact remains: you do NOT trust your partner. Regardless of whether you should or not. You don't.

So that's what you've got to work on. Forcing yourself to trust him is abandoning yourself. Doesn't mean he's not trustworthy. That's kind of irrelevant. You are not honouring your own feelings. And until you do, you'll never be able to trust anyone. You'll always be in this situation, in different forms, because you keep choosing to go against your own feelings.

So you can say: I feel that I should trust my partner, but currently I don't. What do I need to do to build that trust? What do I need from him? Is he going to meet those needs? What do I need - therapy, yoga? - to feel secure in myself?

It's not about whether or not your partner is trustworthy. It's about whether YOU can rely on YOURSELF to be there for you. And every time you deny your truth because you rationalise it to be wrong, you are saying I won't be there for myself. As long as you do that, you'll never be secure in any relationship. Does that make sense? Choose yourself, your own feelings, your own truth. It doesn't mean you have to leave him. It means you have to stop leaving yourself.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 19/12/2023 09:58

Panaa · 19/12/2023 00:21

@Lostsadandconfused

I've also had several sexual experiences with women, out of curiosity etc. I'm not even remotely bi either.

People say this kind of thing a lot but 100% straight people don't have that curiosity to explore with people of the same sex.

@Panaa

bollocks

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 10:03

taylorswift1989 · 19/12/2023 09:49

But the fact remains: you do NOT trust your partner. Regardless of whether you should or not. You don't.

So that's what you've got to work on. Forcing yourself to trust him is abandoning yourself. Doesn't mean he's not trustworthy. That's kind of irrelevant. You are not honouring your own feelings. And until you do, you'll never be able to trust anyone. You'll always be in this situation, in different forms, because you keep choosing to go against your own feelings.

So you can say: I feel that I should trust my partner, but currently I don't. What do I need to do to build that trust? What do I need from him? Is he going to meet those needs? What do I need - therapy, yoga? - to feel secure in myself?

It's not about whether or not your partner is trustworthy. It's about whether YOU can rely on YOURSELF to be there for you. And every time you deny your truth because you rationalise it to be wrong, you are saying I won't be there for myself. As long as you do that, you'll never be secure in any relationship. Does that make sense? Choose yourself, your own feelings, your own truth. It doesn't mean you have to leave him. It means you have to stop leaving yourself.

Show quote history

Yes which is why I will look into therapy to work on myself, I can’t punish someone who hasn’t hurt me surely? How does anyone ever have a relationship of that’s the case? I am not leaving myself I am seeking advice

OP posts:
Pinkpinkpink15 · 19/12/2023 10:22

Panaa · 19/12/2023 00:29

Nah, leaving aside the ones who do it because they're forced to it or perhaps need the money, the ones who do it freely and out of choice have some sort of attraction to the person and want to do it. Straight people don't do that.

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You're wrong. Your insistence you're right despite what others are telling you from experience, does you no favours.

taylorswift1989 · 19/12/2023 10:30

Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 10:03

Yes which is why I will look into therapy to work on myself, I can’t punish someone who hasn’t hurt me surely? How does anyone ever have a relationship of that’s the case? I am not leaving myself I am seeking advice

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Who mentioned punishment? Why does any of what I've said sound like I'm saying you should punish someone? Is it a punishment to your partner to let him know how you're feeling? Why?

Begsthequestion · 19/12/2023 11:13

Pinkpinkpink15 · 19/12/2023 10:22

You're wrong. Your insistence you're right despite what others are telling you from experience, does you no favours.

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You think bisexuality is a lifestyle choice. Ignorant.

Didimum · 19/12/2023 12:01

Psyberbaby · 19/12/2023 04:53

Only a few pages ago you were convinced you were going to follow your gut and "do what's right" and ditch this guy.

You sound like a pain IMO

Aw, are you irritated by someone having a relationship crisis? Does it annoy you that someone doesn't stick with very first thing say on an internet forum when in said crisis and very upset? Are you bothered that people can gather support and advice and change their minds? Sounds like you're having a tough day.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 19/12/2023 12:28

Begsthequestion · 19/12/2023 11:13

You think bisexuality is a lifestyle choice. Ignorant.

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@Begsthequestion

thats NOT what I said at all

sort your reading comprehension out!

User1789 · 19/12/2023 12:33

OP, you are very welcome, I am touched you think it helped so much.

I would say this thread doesn't seem very helpful, lots of people projecting their own, very binary, beliefs about gender and sexuality onto somebody else's very real, nuanced relationship, involving two very unique, delicate individuals with a little bit of baggage!

I would propose you search for some reading material about gender and sexuality and what long term relationships mean to you, to try to unpick some of the aspects of this that are bothering you so much. Hell, even some subs on Reddit would be more helpful than this thread.

caringcarer · 19/12/2023 13:58

Josette77 · 19/12/2023 03:20

But if a straight man said yes, you would assume they were gay or bi.

So why would most straight guys admit to this?

Also if someone was horrified by the idea of gay sex that would in no way confirm their heterosexuality. They could be closeted and struggling with homophobia.

No one will ever know someone else's sexuality for certain but it's probably best practice to assume most people are honest and know what they identify as.

Op"s partner says he's straight and was drugged up. He should know, he was there.

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A straight man would not say yes. The whole fact of being straight is you don't want sex with same sex partners. This man has had sex with another man at least twice he's admitting to so not even just a one off experiment. He's bisexual. People can't just claim to be straight if they have sex with same sex others. It's akin to a male saying he is a woman. He's not he's a man dressing as a woman.

MySecret21 · 19/12/2023 14:10

caringcarer · 19/12/2023 13:58

A straight man would not say yes. The whole fact of being straight is you don't want sex with same sex partners. This man has had sex with another man at least twice he's admitting to so not even just a one off experiment. He's bisexual. People can't just claim to be straight if they have sex with same sex others. It's akin to a male saying he is a woman. He's not he's a man dressing as a woman.

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He has not had sex with a man on two occasions 🙄

He has received oral sex from a man on two occasions.

There is a difference.

It’s a sexual act, not sex.

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