DH so, so annoying!!! Ahhhh!

[Char65]

My DH! 😡OMG I find him so incredibly annoying at times! Last Saturday we went to a lovely party and I wore a gorgeous and very expensive gold dress which I posted about on style and beauty and he was fully of compliments and it was a really lovely, lovely evening and this Saturday we had a bit of an argument about Christmas arrangements and some other stuff. The youngest lives at home and then our eldest son and his wife and out granddaughter are coming Christmas day but not sure what’s happening with the two girls who I phoned and was talking to for ages and then got accused of pandering to them as I wanted to see them over the Christmas period and they weren’t panning to come over Christmas day with their b/fs. DH thinks he’s right all the time and doesn’t like me disagreeing with him and he doesn’t listen to me so when I get really het up and we argue he accuses me of being pig-headed and bad-tempered. I joined MN and posted about things being difficult since DH had retired in 2018 – which was my first post - backstory here. He had a high-powered high-income job in the City. We married when I was 25 and he was 38, that was 33 years ago! I became a SAHM with an allowance which I loved as had 4 children now aged 32, 30, 27 and 22 – the youngest being at home still (I was so, so happy when the children were young and really loved life! The children all went to private schools but didn’t board and my life revolved around them to a large extent. Our eldest played rugby and if it wasn’t for an injury would have become a professional and our eldest daughter played cello in an orchestra but not professional). We wanted for nothing and had a lovely lifestyle and lovely family holidays. DH has always been good with money and we moved house quite a few times to make money on sales and he invested in property as well and stocks and shares like his dad who owned a stables and holiday lets and a shop. His mum was a SAHM and his dad was very traditional in his thinking. I always got on well with his parents who owned a villa in Spain (we now own it) and used to take the children out there even if DH was working and could only join us for a short period but the truth is DH has always been a bit difficult. He’s very traditional, serious and stern and I guess I’ve always been a bit placid and submissive but on the flip side he’s always been faith and loyal, supported me financially (in fact he’s very generous to me and the children) and backed up with anything to do with the children. When he was working he often worked late and played golf every Saturday, so we didn’t see a huge amount of each other. He liked coming back to a nice home and when we went out socially he’d always be very complimentary like he was last Saturday and oddly that is when we get on the best as he likes having a younger wife and the fact I’m quiet ‘chatty’ and sociable as he can be quite quiet. He’s never minded me going out with friends, shopping, beauty treatments, going to the theatre etc and but he’s always been in charge. In fact one day I overheard him talking to my Dad (my parents used to babysit a lot for us and stay over) and Dad asked him what I thought about something or other he was planning for us to do (probably move house!) and DH said ‘oh she’ll just do as she’s told.’ As I say when the children were young they were my life and I guess were my Achilles heel when it came to DH and why I didn’t push things when he made decisions I wasn’t happy about (oh and I have to say he knew that too!) like moving house which was a big upheaval especially for me and the children but now they have all left home apart from the youngest, so I don’t need to care for them so much. We have recently become grandparents and I over committed on childcare, but DH sorted that out. After the last post I put some things to DH which had been suggested by kind MNers. He said he didn’t want to be a NED or do any form of voluntary work or anything like that but wanted to relax though he did like the auctioneering idea, and we have done that together and he’s going to specialise (he used to collect rare books and James Bond/Ian Fleming memorabilia which he loves and is surprising valuable) so that’s really good and we’ve had some good days out with that, going for nice lunches but again DH likes to dictate what I buy so I tend to just let him buy things and I look around. When we sat down to talk things over (I’ve learnt over the years to do this is in a way that I’m not 'having a go' at him or he gets defensive) his issues with me were that I was always phoning and texting the children (he thinks I molly coddle them and we have an ‘uneasy peace’ shall we say with the youngest still being at home) and had continued my life as it was before he retired. He admitted he’d found it hard to adjust to retirement and although he doesn’t pick holes in me so much or try to organise me so much now we are alone together I know we don’t have that much in common, which is why the auctioneering is good because at least we’re kind of doing something together. I was hoping he would ‘lighten up’ (as our oldest used to say to him!) as he got older but that hasn’t happened (in fact he’s got worse!). I love him and know at 71 I know he’s not going to change and to be honest I can’t imagine life without him so I’m not going to leave him so really I’ve just come on here to vent and let off steam really – ahhhhh - he is so f**king annoying at times!!!! Thanks MN - I feel a lot better now!😃

I wasn't name dropping! Its an old car, it used to belong to his dad, he loves it.

@Spirallingdownwards If I understand correctly the childcare will kick in in the new year. yes well remembered we have made a nursey, it will at out house.

Each day say what are you up to today as I am doing xyz. You are welcome to join me (if he is!) but I am still doing it even if you don't want to.

Good in theory but hard with my DH

But what can he do @Char65 , pout, sulk. Smile and ignore. Mine gets a bit weird when I do my own thing despite the fact that he goes to the marina, sits on his boat, has a coffee drink with other codgers most days.

@MotherofGorgons You have sold your happiness for a bunch of pointless brand names, and now you are beginning to realise that these won't make up for being constantly afraid of your DH.

But I'm not afraid of him!

It certainly sounds like you are afraid of him. He "doesn't mind" if you go shopping🙄or out with friends
He would "allow" you to do a course
But you are " at his beck and call"
It would "create an atmosphere" if you didn't go with him for a drive.

Normal marriages don't work like this. I wouldn't dream of asking my DH to give his permission for anything. I go where I please when I please, now DC are grown. As does he. Obviously we tell each other where we are going, but not to ask permission. Every so often I go on a solo holiday or holiday with friends because I want to. DH doesn't get upset. We don't live on each others pockets; that way madness lies.

@kewcumber Their DH's treat them like secretaries and boss them around and they are slightly ill at ease without the structure that a senior job brings. You do I think owe him a responsbility to at least try to sort it out given you have wandered into this position quite happily because it suited you then.

Yes I agree with this. I'm trying to sort things out.

If he wanted you to go to the pub or whatever with him and you already had plans, what would you do?

On a separate note... why are you doing the washing ironing and cooking for your adult son - what does that teach him!?

My 18 year old does his own washing (and has done since he was 10!) and mostly cooks for himself.

Making yourself his maid does him no favours - what does he do for you in return?

Don;t seem to know what you want for yourself. I don;t think the problem is him. CHange might be difficult for him but there are only three choices:

1 - stay exactly as you are until you or he dies
2 - both of you change a little and have happier lives
3 - go through the trauma of a divorce and you would STILL need to work out what to do with yourself!

You seriously need conselling.

Honestly I think Dylan Thomas wrapped it up well. Men do rage against the dying of the light. Their energy, their loss of virility, they get grumpy as these fail them. Whereas women are much more adaptable, accepting different phases of our lives. We do however get bolshier as our hormones alter and they really don't like it. Our nurtering skills decrease.

Here's the poem

"Do not go gentle into that good night by Dylan Thomas - Poems | Academy of American Poets" https://poets.org/poem/do-not-go-gentle-good-night

Yes i agree with this and the need for counselling.

I'd fit in with his plans. I've done it many, many times.

Please stop doing this you're letting down friends

Would he cancel his golf if you stamped your foot?

Or else there'll be an "atmosphere" requiring "confrontation".

What do you think of the fact that you can't make plans with your friends and stick to them once he tells you to cancel for him?

You need to be kinder to yourself OP. I’m same age, married same length of time, kids going their own ways, illness and loss of parents and DH retired. It’s a lot to go through and then one day you think - what’s next? Where do I fit into all this and what do I want?

I also think it’s a life phase where you’ve put everyone else first (kids,DH, parents) for so long you maybe lose a bit of yourself.

I’ve always worked but kids were privately educated so have met lots of other mums in your situation - think the key is to do something for you whether it’s helping at a nursery or in a clothes boutique just one day a week.

He's been training you for 33 years to be his pet, and now you are starting to see the light because you don't have the children as a distraction. Once you start seriously considering leaving a person I don't think it's easy to go back on those thoughts, so this will keep rearing its head forever even if you do stay with him.

Yep, this.

Well we still have domestic help but I do his washing and ironing and I cook for him. I also managed to get him on a course at college as after he dropped out of Uni he was sitting at home playing on his X Box or Play station all day. DH would agree with you that I do too much for him!

You've done your son a huge disservice here to be honest. He now thinks that either women or 'the help' do the housework and cleaning. That it's not something people who happen to have a penis should have to contribute to. Not a great way to set him up to be a self sufficient adult who rejects the misogynist principle that housework is fundamentally women's work...

So what do you think any future partner is going to think of that?

In this day and age you're doing him no favours

And you're seeing them at least twice fgs!!

What the fuck difference does that make?? It’s still a car.

I do wonder how older well heeled women feel if their OH falls off his perch. Back in my late MILs day they seemed to thrive, playing golf, bridge etc. I was so young then I never thought to ask. They were just there.

So? Car would suffice in the non-wealthy world

You have very tolerant friends.

It would have to be a very good reason I'd be ditched more than once
(and your husband's petulance wouldn't count)

I wasn't name dropping! Its an old car, it used to belong to his dad, he loves it.

Can you see why people picked up on you saying 'e-type jaguar' instead of car, or even 'vintage car' though OP? It was such a needless mention of a brand name that it's sort of indicative of how caught up you seem to be in material values, brands and status symbols.

Even when speaking to strangers anonymously it feels like you have a sort of need for us to know you have the very best things in life. I think it's because you're less happy than you've previously thought you've been. And those material things, brands and status symbols have become a sort of consolation prize rather than the trophies you thought they would be originally.

Side note - if my partner said to my dad 'she'll do as she's told' when talking about me, then he would have been appalled and wanted to give him a slap (not literally of course). How did your dad respond to him when your husband spoke about you, his daughter, with such dismissive contempt?

Oh come on! This is getting too much! Her b/f is Muslim. They met at Uni, they both done computer science degrees. He's a lovely caring young man and if anything my daughter bosses him around!

Now I do have to ask:

How long have DD and BF been together? They are living together?
Was BF not invited? Was BF explicitely uninvited?

Although Christmas is a Christian holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, coinciding with what used to be the pagan Juletide (midwinter) festival, most people/families do not really celebrate the religious part. For most people Christmas is about being with family. As is Eid, Hanuka or Thanksgiving.

Your post does not make it clear, whether he would like to join in, whether he rejects Christmas and all things Christian, how your daughter feels about it ... She doesn't seem to want to leave him alone on the day, which suggests Christmas, family, people close to her, are important to her.

In my family, I would expect DD's BF to join in the Xmas get-together, and I would expect DD join in his family's Eid get-together. A traditional turkey should be no problem for a Muslim, leave away any bacon and pork (no harm in that), maybe even go the extra mile and get a halal turkey. If you do say grace at the dinner table I would of course not expect him to join in. If you have bubbly, get some alcohol-free as an option. That should have most bases covered, maybe just in case ask your DD.

If your family cannot navigate Xmas with BF, how is the future going work out? Not ever have Xmas with DD again? Although you say he is a lovely caring young man, are you (and DH) are really taking the relationship seriously? Or hoping it will fizzle out, and you are not really welcoming BF into family? What is DHs attitude toward BF?

This seems like opening up another can of worms, but maybe it is just another aspect/symptom what going wrong in your marriage/life, making you unhappy. Something to think about...