DH so, so annoying!!! Ahhhh!

[Char65]

My DH! 😡OMG I find him so incredibly annoying at times! Last Saturday we went to a lovely party and I wore a gorgeous and very expensive gold dress which I posted about on style and beauty and he was fully of compliments and it was a really lovely, lovely evening and this Saturday we had a bit of an argument about Christmas arrangements and some other stuff. The youngest lives at home and then our eldest son and his wife and out granddaughter are coming Christmas day but not sure what’s happening with the two girls who I phoned and was talking to for ages and then got accused of pandering to them as I wanted to see them over the Christmas period and they weren’t panning to come over Christmas day with their b/fs. DH thinks he’s right all the time and doesn’t like me disagreeing with him and he doesn’t listen to me so when I get really het up and we argue he accuses me of being pig-headed and bad-tempered. I joined MN and posted about things being difficult since DH had retired in 2018 – which was my first post - backstory here. He had a high-powered high-income job in the City. We married when I was 25 and he was 38, that was 33 years ago! I became a SAHM with an allowance which I loved as had 4 children now aged 32, 30, 27 and 22 – the youngest being at home still (I was so, so happy when the children were young and really loved life! The children all went to private schools but didn’t board and my life revolved around them to a large extent. Our eldest played rugby and if it wasn’t for an injury would have become a professional and our eldest daughter played cello in an orchestra but not professional). We wanted for nothing and had a lovely lifestyle and lovely family holidays. DH has always been good with money and we moved house quite a few times to make money on sales and he invested in property as well and stocks and shares like his dad who owned a stables and holiday lets and a shop. His mum was a SAHM and his dad was very traditional in his thinking. I always got on well with his parents who owned a villa in Spain (we now own it) and used to take the children out there even if DH was working and could only join us for a short period but the truth is DH has always been a bit difficult. He’s very traditional, serious and stern and I guess I’ve always been a bit placid and submissive but on the flip side he’s always been faith and loyal, supported me financially (in fact he’s very generous to me and the children) and backed up with anything to do with the children. When he was working he often worked late and played golf every Saturday, so we didn’t see a huge amount of each other. He liked coming back to a nice home and when we went out socially he’d always be very complimentary like he was last Saturday and oddly that is when we get on the best as he likes having a younger wife and the fact I’m quiet ‘chatty’ and sociable as he can be quite quiet. He’s never minded me going out with friends, shopping, beauty treatments, going to the theatre etc and but he’s always been in charge. In fact one day I overheard him talking to my Dad (my parents used to babysit a lot for us and stay over) and Dad asked him what I thought about something or other he was planning for us to do (probably move house!) and DH said ‘oh she’ll just do as she’s told.’ As I say when the children were young they were my life and I guess were my Achilles heel when it came to DH and why I didn’t push things when he made decisions I wasn’t happy about (oh and I have to say he knew that too!) like moving house which was a big upheaval especially for me and the children but now they have all left home apart from the youngest, so I don’t need to care for them so much. We have recently become grandparents and I over committed on childcare, but DH sorted that out. After the last post I put some things to DH which had been suggested by kind MNers. He said he didn’t want to be a NED or do any form of voluntary work or anything like that but wanted to relax though he did like the auctioneering idea, and we have done that together and he’s going to specialise (he used to collect rare books and James Bond/Ian Fleming memorabilia which he loves and is surprising valuable) so that’s really good and we’ve had some good days out with that, going for nice lunches but again DH likes to dictate what I buy so I tend to just let him buy things and I look around. When we sat down to talk things over (I’ve learnt over the years to do this is in a way that I’m not 'having a go' at him or he gets defensive) his issues with me were that I was always phoning and texting the children (he thinks I molly coddle them and we have an ‘uneasy peace’ shall we say with the youngest still being at home) and had continued my life as it was before he retired. He admitted he’d found it hard to adjust to retirement and although he doesn’t pick holes in me so much or try to organise me so much now we are alone together I know we don’t have that much in common, which is why the auctioneering is good because at least we’re kind of doing something together. I was hoping he would ‘lighten up’ (as our oldest used to say to him!) as he got older but that hasn’t happened (in fact he’s got worse!). I love him and know at 71 I know he’s not going to change and to be honest I can’t imagine life without him so I’m not going to leave him so really I’ve just come on here to vent and let off steam really – ahhhhh - he is so f**king annoying at times!!!! Thanks MN - I feel a lot better now!😃

Oh, thank God you're here.

@TheGhostOfTheOpera he's got no problem with me going out with friends shopping theatre or doing a course etc but he expects me to be at his beck and call and give him priority

Why are you expecting different things from you and him? I don't know really.

Yes I agree

@Middleagedmeangirls You quite rightly say your DH won't change @Char65. Why would he? He's perfectly content with your relationship.

Yes he is! I know that to be the case! He says the marriage is very successful and loves the fact we've been married 33 years. As I've said he is very traditional and he thinks things everything's fine which is why it is so hard.

Can you give an example? He's fine with you doing your own thing but what would he expect you to jump to if he said so?

@Rowen32 You do sound quite annoying for them OP, it would drive me mad if my mum kept on badgering me like that

I think these are things I need to work on. I think my daughters would agree with you (at times!)

Well anything really, a hospital appointment, or in the summer he may want to take his E-Type Jaguar out for a drive and stop for a pub lunch or maybe look at antiques . I'm not saying I don't want to do those things but his view is if I've got something organised o he expects me to cancel it, get dressed up and come with him. I tied myself in knots a bit because I said I wanted us to do more together like the auctioneering so its difficult.

What would happen if you said you couldn't go because you already had plans?

This.

As a result your life feels like it's falling apart because you no longer have a purpose. Except attend to his needs. You will end up being his nursemaid.

You cannot change him but you can change how you deal with this.

I guess we all make our own beds. I chose love over money and married my best friend. Money came later (comfortable, not wealthy) and we have a lovely life (due to the relationship, not the money). I think you chose the opposite and this is where we are now. It's not too late to change your story but I suspect you won't.

You sound scared of him. Why? Why are you tying yourself in knots? Why can't you said no I have made plans already?

@likepeddlesonabeach He wouldn't like it and it would create an atmosphere, I can't stand confrontation.

@ThePoetsWife Its very difficult which is what i said in my 2 OPs about his retirement and the one on Sunday, he can be difficult to live with - if everything was hunky dory I would never have posted.😀

So he does want to spend time with you, he wants you to accompany him when he goes to places. Not excusing the tactics he uses for it, but he isn't trying to avoid you.

You, however, don't want to join him...

I don't know either of you and it's so hard to tell what the true situation is from your posts but I am roughly the same age as you and many friends are negotiating the difficult retirement years having been stay at home wives to well paid professional men and it has been difficult. Their DH's treat them like secretaries and boss them around and they are slightly ill at ease without the structure that a senior job brings.

You do I think owe him a responsbility to at least try to sort it out given you have wandered into this position quite happily because it suited you then.

I'm lucky I have a younger OH but our children are all at the leaving home, spending Xmas with their partners stage and I myself am heading into at least semi retirement which is odd.

You can't make him get a voluntary job etc you can only change yourself and you sound more in need of a hobby than him. I once said on a blog that parenting teenagers was so hard becasue you're not trying to teach them to walk and read and write and say please and thank you - you're trying to teach them life skills. You're teaching them to leave you.

I'm not sure you are/have taught them to leave you, you are still trying to live through them. Time to find out what to do with yourself without them (or at least with much lower contact).

Do some voluntary work yourself what DH does is entirely up to him. Just be assertive and repeat ad nauseum...

"I'm not your secretary"
"I'm not available on that day I have a prior commitment, but I can do XYZ day instead"

Start to value yourself as an individual and not as an appendage to everyone else. Then you can decide after that whether you want to be with him. You say he would be devastated and thinks it's all fine. Have you told him it isn't. Bluntly "The way we are living doesn't work for me and i don't want to live like this until I die"

well a divorse is going to be quite a bit more confrontational so putting an effort into getting a life you enjoy must be a better option that dealing with the trauma of a divorce. If you can't tell the person you've been married to for 33 years and had 3 children with what you want from him then there isn;t much point talking to strangers (us) about it. It won;t make you feel better.

Perhaps some counselling could help you deal with what you see as conflict but is just life!

@NonPlayerCharacter Its not that I had my own life with the children and being a SAMH and he had his at work. Yes I had my routines, my friends, lunches shopping, beauty treatments etc and I do find it hard to adjust to him being in the house. As other have said our lives were fairly sperate but when we did go out together it was fine.

OP, your life sounds like one ot those Jilly Cooper books where the pretty secretary, typist whatever, marries the powerful, driven, alpha male boss who happens to be very wealthy.
The trouble is we never see the end of that story, but you are seeing the long term outcome of that sort of marriage now.
You say you love your husband and dont want to leave him, you know you spoil your children (and in your situation l can see how easily that happened) but you don't mention your wants and needs. You have enabled your husband to have a lovely, well organised life by your efforts so now can you see this as time for you to discover some things you'd enjoy and which are fulfilling to you?
It's a very nice position to be in, the world is your oyster really, providing you have your own money and can get the courage to give it a go. You can still be there for your DH and family, but also have your own interests which should be given equal importance as your husbands.

Sorry but this is getting silly now. Why the constant “success”/brand dropping. All coming across very shallow and try hard. If you want happiness, you need to look beyond material things.

I think you just need to tell him straight that he may have retired but that at 58 you have not. This is still your normal life which revolved around your kids and you doing your own thing with friends etc and that isn't going to change just yet as you have not "retired". If he doesn't want to be off out doing things I would look for more things to do outside the house myself.

If I understand correctly the childcare will kick in in the new year. Will that be at their home or yours? It may be easier for you to take yourself out of the home to do this and if he tries to complain just tell him he needs to stop. It is something you are choosing to do and he is not your boss.

Each day say what are you up to today as I am doing xyz. You are welcome to join me (if he is!) but I am still doing it even if you don't want to.

Unfortunately your posting style with streams of rambling unrelated chatter makes me think your husband hasn't been able to get a word in edgeways for the past 33 years.

you also sound like a self-obsessed bore, going round and round in circles about the minutiae of your life, and all that you possess - don't you stop to think there's a bigger world out there than your personal existence?

But, fair enough, it's a free country, vent away!

"he may want to take his E-Type Jaguar out for a drive"

You could just say 'car', OP.

The people I've met with serious money don't label drop like this, you had me going OP.

The way you write is so telling
Flat in St Katherine's Docks, not just a flat
Valli dress
Dh not taking his car out but his E type Jaguar.

You have sold your happiness for a bunch of pointless brand names, and now you are beginning to realise that these won't make up for being constantly afraid of your DH.

So he will make life difficult, will create an atmosphere etc. sounds like you are in an abusive relationship.

I think the name dropping is due to insecurity. Her world is so small and meaningless. She has nothing else. Except luxury brands. And a difficult abusive husband.