DH so, so annoying!!! Ahhhh!

[Char65]

My DH! 😡OMG I find him so incredibly annoying at times! Last Saturday we went to a lovely party and I wore a gorgeous and very expensive gold dress which I posted about on style and beauty and he was fully of compliments and it was a really lovely, lovely evening and this Saturday we had a bit of an argument about Christmas arrangements and some other stuff. The youngest lives at home and then our eldest son and his wife and out granddaughter are coming Christmas day but not sure what’s happening with the two girls who I phoned and was talking to for ages and then got accused of pandering to them as I wanted to see them over the Christmas period and they weren’t panning to come over Christmas day with their b/fs. DH thinks he’s right all the time and doesn’t like me disagreeing with him and he doesn’t listen to me so when I get really het up and we argue he accuses me of being pig-headed and bad-tempered. I joined MN and posted about things being difficult since DH had retired in 2018 – which was my first post - backstory here. He had a high-powered high-income job in the City. We married when I was 25 and he was 38, that was 33 years ago! I became a SAHM with an allowance which I loved as had 4 children now aged 32, 30, 27 and 22 – the youngest being at home still (I was so, so happy when the children were young and really loved life! The children all went to private schools but didn’t board and my life revolved around them to a large extent. Our eldest played rugby and if it wasn’t for an injury would have become a professional and our eldest daughter played cello in an orchestra but not professional). We wanted for nothing and had a lovely lifestyle and lovely family holidays. DH has always been good with money and we moved house quite a few times to make money on sales and he invested in property as well and stocks and shares like his dad who owned a stables and holiday lets and a shop. His mum was a SAHM and his dad was very traditional in his thinking. I always got on well with his parents who owned a villa in Spain (we now own it) and used to take the children out there even if DH was working and could only join us for a short period but the truth is DH has always been a bit difficult. He’s very traditional, serious and stern and I guess I’ve always been a bit placid and submissive but on the flip side he’s always been faith and loyal, supported me financially (in fact he’s very generous to me and the children) and backed up with anything to do with the children. When he was working he often worked late and played golf every Saturday, so we didn’t see a huge amount of each other. He liked coming back to a nice home and when we went out socially he’d always be very complimentary like he was last Saturday and oddly that is when we get on the best as he likes having a younger wife and the fact I’m quiet ‘chatty’ and sociable as he can be quite quiet. He’s never minded me going out with friends, shopping, beauty treatments, going to the theatre etc and but he’s always been in charge. In fact one day I overheard him talking to my Dad (my parents used to babysit a lot for us and stay over) and Dad asked him what I thought about something or other he was planning for us to do (probably move house!) and DH said ‘oh she’ll just do as she’s told.’ As I say when the children were young they were my life and I guess were my Achilles heel when it came to DH and why I didn’t push things when he made decisions I wasn’t happy about (oh and I have to say he knew that too!) like moving house which was a big upheaval especially for me and the children but now they have all left home apart from the youngest, so I don’t need to care for them so much. We have recently become grandparents and I over committed on childcare, but DH sorted that out. After the last post I put some things to DH which had been suggested by kind MNers. He said he didn’t want to be a NED or do any form of voluntary work or anything like that but wanted to relax though he did like the auctioneering idea, and we have done that together and he’s going to specialise (he used to collect rare books and James Bond/Ian Fleming memorabilia which he loves and is surprising valuable) so that’s really good and we’ve had some good days out with that, going for nice lunches but again DH likes to dictate what I buy so I tend to just let him buy things and I look around. When we sat down to talk things over (I’ve learnt over the years to do this is in a way that I’m not 'having a go' at him or he gets defensive) his issues with me were that I was always phoning and texting the children (he thinks I molly coddle them and we have an ‘uneasy peace’ shall we say with the youngest still being at home) and had continued my life as it was before he retired. He admitted he’d found it hard to adjust to retirement and although he doesn’t pick holes in me so much or try to organise me so much now we are alone together I know we don’t have that much in common, which is why the auctioneering is good because at least we’re kind of doing something together. I was hoping he would ‘lighten up’ (as our oldest used to say to him!) as he got older but that hasn’t happened (in fact he’s got worse!). I love him and know at 71 I know he’s not going to change and to be honest I can’t imagine life without him so I’m not going to leave him so really I’ve just come on here to vent and let off steam really – ahhhhh - he is so f**king annoying at times!!!! Thanks MN - I feel a lot better now!😃

@piglet81 can I ask if your aunt is happy in her marriage?

You married an older man with money. You’ve done extremely well out of it - privately educated children, holidays, property abroad etc etc. Maybe divorce and get a nice big payout? You’ve surely earned it.

My friend who is now in her 70’s had a similar life except occasionally her dh hit her.
She stayed because she loved the lifestyle.
They have a fairly happy marriage now but that’s because her dh got seriously ill and still has health issues. The power dynamic changed and my friend has the upper hand at last.
I also think he genuinely reflected on his behaviour and regretted some of it.

Friend’s life does revolve round her dgc though and when her dh was ill she certainly didn’t seem terribly upset at the thought of him dying but that was only my perception.

It’s a choice you have to make op.

The phrases "power dynamic" and "upper hand" shouldn't be anywhere near a healthy marriage.

If you stay in a shit marriage for the lifestyle you don't get to complain, really. I've no sympathy.

@WallaceinAnderland The thing is I wasn't unhappy! I've said before I loved being a SAMH (I love cooking) and I loved having the children and looking after the house and buying things for it. I used to take them out for days in London during the holidays and had some lovely times with them and things were fine with DH, when things started to get a bit rocky (but not in our marriage) was over the past 13 or so years when our parents died and the children started to leave home to go to Uni or college and then DH retired. Things were Ok even then at first (we went on a cruise) but then Covid hit and the lockdown and the youngest dropped out of Uni and came back home and DH was like a bear with a sore head. Things have improved since then but he does like to be the boss. Its not a case that you want him to leave you alone so that you can continue spending his money without having to interact with him. Obviously I had my own routines in the house and I accept I've had to adjust o him being around but I wanted him to retire as I thought he worked too hard (long hours) and wanted us to do stuff together and that's why when I came on MN before I suggested the auctioneering to him. I want us to do more together. Last time I came on MN I had a bit of a talk to him about doing some things together and issues we had with each other and he's admitted he's found it hard to adjust to retirement and he feels I fuss around the children too much but that's not in the divorce league!! If you asked him he'd say that the marriage was pretty good!!

Okay well you sound like an intelligent woman whose not used it being wrapped up in motherhood. There's a big hole in your life now and you've got an itch you can't scratch.

Would you be interested in further education in the auctioneering field perhaps?

I'm not sure what you mean by auctioneering, antiques, art, books?

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Have a read of these courses, see if anything sparks your interest

I'm in a long marriage and really we have little in common. Mine hasn't been as easy financially as yours, I had to work but took it seriously and had a great career.

I've many friends and interests of my own and am perfectly happy with him at arms length.

Carve out your own life with him at a distance.

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The thing is I wasn't unhappy! I've said before I loved being a SAMH (I love cooking) and I loved having the children and looking after the house and buying things for it. I used to take them out for days in London during the holidays and had some lovely times with them

None of the things you enjoy seem to have involved your husband's presence. The problem is you never liked him or his company. Now he's around, you're having to face up to that.

I don’t know, sorry - we’re not very close.

But you might find the grass isn't greener out there at all. Sort things out with your husband. & build a life for yourself;

Thanks @DeeCeeCherry I want to sort things out with DH -= he wouldn't stop me doing a course or anything like that, I did start Spanish but gave up

& your youngest will leave soon enough - ummm not sure of that he's very comfy at home!😀

@queenMab99 thanks very sound advice. In regard to his comment about me doing as I was told we were going out and mum and dad were babysitting and DH was waiting for me to get ready. I came downstairs and my dad and DH were talking in the front room and I overheard the comment but TBH I don't know if my dad did reply or just said nothing. He certainly never mentioned it to me. Seconds later I was at the door and we were ready to go out.

@laclochette

Even back when you met your DH, you chose a man who would call the shots, and I would guess this was "a feature not a bug" as the saying goes. It meant not having to be the boss of your own life, but instead, marrying someone who would be the boss of you.

Yes, there's more than a grain of truth in this.. I did quite like the fact he was a dynamic and a decision maker with a high power job and I knew when we married he'd be in charge - I only had to look at his parents to know that!

Re your daughter "with her b/f who doesn't celebrate Christmas and she doesn't want to leave him alone" - can you see the pattern repeating itself? Why is she really staying home? Is he domineering? Is she doing this to avoid him being difficult? What does she want for herself?

Consider therapy, and offer to pay for therapy for your children too. Because they clearly all have a not-great relationship with their dad.

So what are you going to do to take back some control of your life?

What is it you do for your youngest at home that your DH thinks is 'too much'? Are you enabling them to become a fully functioning adult capable of looking after themselves or are you babying them to the point you aren't actually preparing them for adult life?

I can't see what your problem is really. One minute you say you're unhappy, the next you're not. One minute you've never told him how you feel, the next you've talked about it.

All I can get from this thread is that you find him annoying. You won't change yourself but want to change him. This is never going to improve unless you change yourself. How can you not see that?

@Agapornis Oh come on! This is getting too much! Her b/f is Muslim. They met at Uni, they both done computer science degrees. He's a lovely caring young man and if anything my daughter bosses him around!

To those saying she enjoyed his wealth so should just accept his behaviour. It's not HIS money, it's their money and it doesn't sound like their wealth was primarily spent on the OP's needs and happiness.

Caring for 4 children with an absent spouse who carries none of the practical or mental load it takes to run a household of 6 people means this woman has invested decades of hard work into the family and made significant sacrifices so that her husband could have the lifestyle and career he wanted

He was able to give all of his attention time and energy to his career because she took on his share of the domestic and caring labour as well as her own. When you call it 'his money' you devalue unpaid labour inside the home and suggest only paid labour outside of it has value, but it's all work and it all requires effort and energy and time. The life they have was built by two people, not one, they just happen to have more resources than most.

@WallaceinAnderland what I said, and I think I made it pretty clear was that I was HAPPY for the first 20 or so odd years of the marriage but since the children have left home and DH has retired things have changed. We did talk about what he calls a "period of transition" with him being at home and the children leaving except the youngest and he said about me

1. I spent too much time texting and phoning the children and worrying about them.
2. I'd continued my life as it were before he retired. and I said he needed to do something and put various things to him that MNers had suggested. He AGREED he was finding it difficult to adjust to retirement and that he needed to do something else except paly golf so we went for the auctioneering where you buy and sell which he likes (he used to collect rare books and James Bond memorabilia before it was all stolen - another story). Have I told him in 33 years that he's bossy and likes me to be at his beck and call? OF COURSE I HAVE but we've not sat down and analysed it and he's not really changed as that's who he is. Do I need to change? Of course I do! And coming on here has helped because I can see many, many people's points of view. One problem with out lifestyle is I don't get enough opinions form all walks of life so MN has been very, very good for me in that respect as I think I've had pretty sheltered life and YES I'm happy to take the negative stuff too about being privileged and spoilt and pampered and the comments on my dress! I want the marriage to work. I want to work through it all and I thank you for your support!😀

@Char65

I thought you were going to try to use paragraphs?

Sorry! I was annoyed and not used to writing more than a few sentences!

I found it interesting that you think you need to change but you accept this is who he is and he’ll never change. Why are you expecting different things from you and him?
Also interesting to me that he is unhappy you haven’t changed what you are doing since he retired… why does he expect you to change around him?

Well we still have domestic help but I do his washing and ironing and I cook for him. I also managed to get him on a course at college as after he dropped out of Uni he was sitting at home playing on his X Box or Play station all day. DH would agree with you that I do too much for him!

Your husband does have a point here.