DH so, so annoying!!! Ahhhh!

[Char65]

My DH! 😡OMG I find him so incredibly annoying at times! Last Saturday we went to a lovely party and I wore a gorgeous and very expensive gold dress which I posted about on style and beauty and he was fully of compliments and it was a really lovely, lovely evening and this Saturday we had a bit of an argument about Christmas arrangements and some other stuff. The youngest lives at home and then our eldest son and his wife and out granddaughter are coming Christmas day but not sure what’s happening with the two girls who I phoned and was talking to for ages and then got accused of pandering to them as I wanted to see them over the Christmas period and they weren’t panning to come over Christmas day with their b/fs. DH thinks he’s right all the time and doesn’t like me disagreeing with him and he doesn’t listen to me so when I get really het up and we argue he accuses me of being pig-headed and bad-tempered. I joined MN and posted about things being difficult since DH had retired in 2018 – which was my first post - backstory here. He had a high-powered high-income job in the City. We married when I was 25 and he was 38, that was 33 years ago! I became a SAHM with an allowance which I loved as had 4 children now aged 32, 30, 27 and 22 – the youngest being at home still (I was so, so happy when the children were young and really loved life! The children all went to private schools but didn’t board and my life revolved around them to a large extent. Our eldest played rugby and if it wasn’t for an injury would have become a professional and our eldest daughter played cello in an orchestra but not professional). We wanted for nothing and had a lovely lifestyle and lovely family holidays. DH has always been good with money and we moved house quite a few times to make money on sales and he invested in property as well and stocks and shares like his dad who owned a stables and holiday lets and a shop. His mum was a SAHM and his dad was very traditional in his thinking. I always got on well with his parents who owned a villa in Spain (we now own it) and used to take the children out there even if DH was working and could only join us for a short period but the truth is DH has always been a bit difficult. He’s very traditional, serious and stern and I guess I’ve always been a bit placid and submissive but on the flip side he’s always been faith and loyal, supported me financially (in fact he’s very generous to me and the children) and backed up with anything to do with the children. When he was working he often worked late and played golf every Saturday, so we didn’t see a huge amount of each other. He liked coming back to a nice home and when we went out socially he’d always be very complimentary like he was last Saturday and oddly that is when we get on the best as he likes having a younger wife and the fact I’m quiet ‘chatty’ and sociable as he can be quite quiet. He’s never minded me going out with friends, shopping, beauty treatments, going to the theatre etc and but he’s always been in charge. In fact one day I overheard him talking to my Dad (my parents used to babysit a lot for us and stay over) and Dad asked him what I thought about something or other he was planning for us to do (probably move house!) and DH said ‘oh she’ll just do as she’s told.’ As I say when the children were young they were my life and I guess were my Achilles heel when it came to DH and why I didn’t push things when he made decisions I wasn’t happy about (oh and I have to say he knew that too!) like moving house which was a big upheaval especially for me and the children but now they have all left home apart from the youngest, so I don’t need to care for them so much. We have recently become grandparents and I over committed on childcare, but DH sorted that out. After the last post I put some things to DH which had been suggested by kind MNers. He said he didn’t want to be a NED or do any form of voluntary work or anything like that but wanted to relax though he did like the auctioneering idea, and we have done that together and he’s going to specialise (he used to collect rare books and James Bond/Ian Fleming memorabilia which he loves and is surprising valuable) so that’s really good and we’ve had some good days out with that, going for nice lunches but again DH likes to dictate what I buy so I tend to just let him buy things and I look around. When we sat down to talk things over (I’ve learnt over the years to do this is in a way that I’m not 'having a go' at him or he gets defensive) his issues with me were that I was always phoning and texting the children (he thinks I molly coddle them and we have an ‘uneasy peace’ shall we say with the youngest still being at home) and had continued my life as it was before he retired. He admitted he’d found it hard to adjust to retirement and although he doesn’t pick holes in me so much or try to organise me so much now we are alone together I know we don’t have that much in common, which is why the auctioneering is good because at least we’re kind of doing something together. I was hoping he would ‘lighten up’ (as our oldest used to say to him!) as he got older but that hasn’t happened (in fact he’s got worse!). I love him and know at 71 I know he’s not going to change and to be honest I can’t imagine life without him so I’m not going to leave him so really I’ve just come on here to vent and let off steam really – ahhhhh - he is so f**king annoying at times!!!! Thanks MN - I feel a lot better now!😃

Yes I think you are right, I think I would benefit from counselling I just don't know I have really lost direction and focus with the children leaving home and bereavements, the DGC has helped but my head's all over the place and one day the marriage is Ok and the next its not..

Bloody hell!
Paragraphs are a thing 😁
Also, I'm sure you are not the remotest bit money/ status oriented but the sheer stream of consciousness listing all the "stuff" is like you are trying to convince yourself of something?
If you like and appreciate your very privileged lifestyle and he's a pain at home then get out and about more.
Do some volunteering, hobbies?
Also lost regarding the gold dress🤔

Oh dear, sorry to hear that your marriage has been so bad OP. He isn't going to change so all you can do is continue to live with someone you don't like. Presumably you will also end up being his carer. It seems such a waste of your life though, are you sure you won't leave him?

I found this very difficult without paragraphs. But I've got the gist. Unfortunately the power dynamic through your marriage of him earning and you being at home he's clearly allowed himself to believe he's better and more important than you. This won't change.

But I think when people have nice lifestyle they will put up with lot. As you've already shown. So you do need to think about how you will actually address the issues if you stay together.

I had some experiences with older men when I was younger. They weren't sugar relationships so it was never about that. So I do understand the draw of an older man that isn't about money...

But I realised that I still had a lot of growing and changing left to do and they really hadn't. I still know them now and they are exactly the same people as they were 15 years ago, just significantly more aged in every sense (except wisdom). Obviously I've aged too, but the older you are, the faster you age, especially when you don't change. They also made it clear in various slips that they loved me being younger, because they thought I wouldn't change either, except to accommodate them. It was actually rather vampiric. And there's no way they could keep up with me now.

Not a lot of use to you, I guess, OP, and you have to make the best decision for yourself. But if the only thing you like about him is his money, well, after a long marriage and raising 4 children, I think it's likely you'd still have the money if you parted. I think the PP who said you both benefited from the other person taking on the job you didn't want and enjoying the parts of life that didn't involve each other was very insightful.

You reap what you sow.

All of this.

At 2am in the morning then 'yes' I would divorce him when I wake up thinking about my marriage which I do most nights but 2pm in the afternoon when I'm busy doing things then 'no' and that's the problem and why I probably do need some counselling. Life was good when I was younger but I put up with a lot without really knowing it and now the dynamics have changed and I've got empty nest syndrome and DH has got lack of a job syndrome.

Is it me?

I can't figure out what the problem is. It's just lots of words.

And can you please use full stops and paragraphs occasionally?

Your life and your happiness matters as much as his does, you've both worked hard over the decades and your work doing all of the domestic and caring labour is as essential and valuable as any paid work outside of the home.

I don't agree that people cannot change at 71, but he has no incentive to change as long as you continue to tolerate being treated as an inferior.

I think you should tell him you are no longer the naive 20-something you were when you married and no longer happy deferring to his judgements and wishes so if he would like the marriage to work he will have to change some of his behaviours.

If he can't or won't then that's on him and I think you should be free to move on. You don't owe him the rest of your life because he happened to have a job that paid a lot of money.

and I know his behaviour is partly my fault.

Your DH behaviour is NEVER your fault.
You might not handle things the right way, be grumpy, whatever defect you think you have. But his behaviour is always his choice.

You are spending a lot of time together.
If there is plenty of money and you are both in good health then try to stay out of his way more and develop a life outside him and his needs. You talk about his hobbies. What are yours?
If you’ve been a SAHM all this time and still have no hobby because he’s kept you too busy You’ve created a bit of a monster!! (and he’s going to be a lot worse when older. )
Suggest you get out and about more now and work on developing some good female friendships for fun as well
as
hobby time and branch out byond the family. no need for divorce just yet maybe. if you guys have the resources to get a bit of space from each other while sharing the home. Can you still rub along together and gain another year to expand your own horizons and build your confidence?

At 2am in the morning then 'yes' I would divorce him when I wake up thinking about my marriage which I do most nights but 2pm in the afternoon when I'm busy doing things then 'no'

But it's so sad that you are wasting your life by distracting yourself from it. All the things that make you so unhappy just wouldn't be there if you separate. I can't understand why you would do this to yourself.

TBH I know he won’t change at this stage of his life so of course, as you say, it is harsh to now push against him and be annoyed by him now that the children no longer need me.

There is such a thing as changing though.
It might simply be that the dcs leaving home has been a trigger for you. It might be that things just happened at a similar time.
But it’s certainly not unusual for women in their 50s to say ‘fuck that. I deserve better’.

Its not because you’ve accepted crap for 30 years that you are supposed to accept it for the next 30 years and be grateful for it.
Nor should you feel guilty for having a different outlook now than 10 years ago.

The thing is its not easy, is it? It's not just about me and DH but our 4 children too and our 6 week old grand daughter who will be babysitting for in the new year and the thing is its not all bad times and I do have a social life outside the home and have friends and we go to theatre regularly. DH OMG he'd be devasted! He honestly doesn't think anything is wrong and I'm going to say again it is partly my fault because for most of our married life I have just gone alone with his plans and made the best of it!

Is there any chance of providing a short précis of your OP?

Gilded cage innit?

Rich older man, younger trophy wife who subsumed herself in her children, man is now retired and lacking direction, children no longer need mother as much and she's lacking direction, turns out they don't really have that much in common or like either other all that much after all.

Is this a stealth brag OP?

Does she sound happy to you?

Still struggling with what the gold dress had to do with your DH or the argument.

Was the argument about the dress?

@Char65 - I remember your previous thread and thinking that you had made everyone else your job (which was probably inevitable in your circumstances). It wasn’t clear when you were going to start living for yourself. You’re clearly feeling very squashed.

It presumably suited him for you to be an SAHM just as it suited you, so I don’t think you “owe” him for that lifestyle. And he was quite calculating in choosing a partner in her mid-20s when he was nearing 40. He likely thought you would be more malleable than a woman closer to him in age.

Just because you’ve gone along with what he wanted until now doesn’t mean you must continue to do so. Circumstances are different now so it’s a good opportunity to talk to him about changing your dynamic and see whether he is open to it.

OP, you started what turned out to be a longish thread about your issues with your DH a few months ago and received loads of good advice. If l recall he was soon due to retired, and you were worried about him having too much time on his hands and the lack of mutually enjoyable things you could do together.
It transpired that you'd danced to his tune for all of your married life and despite the advantages of being very comfortable financially there was a price to pay.
You say you have friends and a social life outside your marriage but how about getting involved in something worthwhile like working for a charity or embracing a new hobby or interest so you have some time for yourself away from the home and DH?

He sounds a great candidate for golf.

I don't think there was an argument over the dress. I think (it's hard to tell as it's just written as a stream of consciousness) she's saying she can't understand why he was so nice and complimentary about the dress and then a few days later they were arguing as if the nice night out hadn't happened.