DH so, so annoying!!! Ahhhh!

[Char65]

My DH! 😡OMG I find him so incredibly annoying at times! Last Saturday we went to a lovely party and I wore a gorgeous and very expensive gold dress which I posted about on style and beauty and he was fully of compliments and it was a really lovely, lovely evening and this Saturday we had a bit of an argument about Christmas arrangements and some other stuff. The youngest lives at home and then our eldest son and his wife and out granddaughter are coming Christmas day but not sure what’s happening with the two girls who I phoned and was talking to for ages and then got accused of pandering to them as I wanted to see them over the Christmas period and they weren’t panning to come over Christmas day with their b/fs. DH thinks he’s right all the time and doesn’t like me disagreeing with him and he doesn’t listen to me so when I get really het up and we argue he accuses me of being pig-headed and bad-tempered. I joined MN and posted about things being difficult since DH had retired in 2018 – which was my first post - backstory here. He had a high-powered high-income job in the City. We married when I was 25 and he was 38, that was 33 years ago! I became a SAHM with an allowance which I loved as had 4 children now aged 32, 30, 27 and 22 – the youngest being at home still (I was so, so happy when the children were young and really loved life! The children all went to private schools but didn’t board and my life revolved around them to a large extent. Our eldest played rugby and if it wasn’t for an injury would have become a professional and our eldest daughter played cello in an orchestra but not professional). We wanted for nothing and had a lovely lifestyle and lovely family holidays. DH has always been good with money and we moved house quite a few times to make money on sales and he invested in property as well and stocks and shares like his dad who owned a stables and holiday lets and a shop. His mum was a SAHM and his dad was very traditional in his thinking. I always got on well with his parents who owned a villa in Spain (we now own it) and used to take the children out there even if DH was working and could only join us for a short period but the truth is DH has always been a bit difficult. He’s very traditional, serious and stern and I guess I’ve always been a bit placid and submissive but on the flip side he’s always been faith and loyal, supported me financially (in fact he’s very generous to me and the children) and backed up with anything to do with the children. When he was working he often worked late and played golf every Saturday, so we didn’t see a huge amount of each other. He liked coming back to a nice home and when we went out socially he’d always be very complimentary like he was last Saturday and oddly that is when we get on the best as he likes having a younger wife and the fact I’m quiet ‘chatty’ and sociable as he can be quite quiet. He’s never minded me going out with friends, shopping, beauty treatments, going to the theatre etc and but he’s always been in charge. In fact one day I overheard him talking to my Dad (my parents used to babysit a lot for us and stay over) and Dad asked him what I thought about something or other he was planning for us to do (probably move house!) and DH said ‘oh she’ll just do as she’s told.’ As I say when the children were young they were my life and I guess were my Achilles heel when it came to DH and why I didn’t push things when he made decisions I wasn’t happy about (oh and I have to say he knew that too!) like moving house which was a big upheaval especially for me and the children but now they have all left home apart from the youngest, so I don’t need to care for them so much. We have recently become grandparents and I over committed on childcare, but DH sorted that out. After the last post I put some things to DH which had been suggested by kind MNers. He said he didn’t want to be a NED or do any form of voluntary work or anything like that but wanted to relax though he did like the auctioneering idea, and we have done that together and he’s going to specialise (he used to collect rare books and James Bond/Ian Fleming memorabilia which he loves and is surprising valuable) so that’s really good and we’ve had some good days out with that, going for nice lunches but again DH likes to dictate what I buy so I tend to just let him buy things and I look around. When we sat down to talk things over (I’ve learnt over the years to do this is in a way that I’m not 'having a go' at him or he gets defensive) his issues with me were that I was always phoning and texting the children (he thinks I molly coddle them and we have an ‘uneasy peace’ shall we say with the youngest still being at home) and had continued my life as it was before he retired. He admitted he’d found it hard to adjust to retirement and although he doesn’t pick holes in me so much or try to organise me so much now we are alone together I know we don’t have that much in common, which is why the auctioneering is good because at least we’re kind of doing something together. I was hoping he would ‘lighten up’ (as our oldest used to say to him!) as he got older but that hasn’t happened (in fact he’s got worse!). I love him and know at 71 I know he’s not going to change and to be honest I can’t imagine life without him so I’m not going to leave him so really I’ve just come on here to vent and let off steam really – ahhhhh - he is so f**king annoying at times!!!! Thanks MN - I feel a lot better now!😃

I think this is a big unkind though realise you are trying to give OP. A ' reality check'
The real problem here though, that is not the OP's fault, is being treated as less important by her domineering husband.
Whether or not she worked, whether or not they are well off, she is entitled to equal power and respect.

@overwhelmed2023 thank you for this. I'm not in a good place right now and I've found some of the comments (not all by any means - most have been absolutely fine) extremely hurtful and upsetting. I'm just trying to see my way through a thick fog at present!

I wonder if you’re my aunt… I think this sort of situation must not be uncommon when couples with such unequal arrangements reach retirement age. My aunt has defined herself by her children’s needs and continues to helicopter around them/micromanage their adult lives, while her husband likes to call the shots.

This is one of those threads where I would be interested to hear the other point of view

Because reading between the lines this could be a man who gets unreasonable grumpy about his wife paying attention to his children rather than him

Or alternatively the OP was really pushing her grown up children to come over and see her on Christmas day or over the Christmas period, they have other plans, she wouldn't take no for an answer and kept proposing loads of dates and he stepped in to try to get her to back off

Now that doesn't excuse all the other behaviour, the being controlling, expecting the OP to do as she's told etc.

But it does read as if the OP may be over invested in her children's lives because that's all she's had to invest in and that he may therefore have a slight point.

I don't get it.

You went to a party in a lovely dress. 7 days later (yes, a whole week) you had a disagreement. Yet he's retired and is presumably around a lot.

I would say that you are doing very well to not have a disagreement until 7 days later....

I have good friend, not dissimilar to your DH, successful banker, out of the house from 6am until 10pm, weekends spent playing golf, shooting, sailing etc
talked about retirement and said ‘thing is, I’ve hardly seen my wife in 35 years. I’m not sure if we’d get on’…. and it wasn't really said in jest.

There are plenty of women in the same boat who have basically lived largely separate lives to their husbands and everything comes home to roost when children are no longer dependent and DH is knocking about the place.

I think you need to take some responsibility here. You married a man with money and so Were able go have 4 children in private education, amazing houses, clothes, beauty treatments and holidays.

Theyll be many women who can tell you about their equally long marriage but a different life - one where they worked, lived in one, small house, lacked money and could only dream of the luxuries you enjoyed. But they were a person in their own right and you need to learn to be as well. You’ve been luckier than many people reading this so it’d be a good idea to remember that you’ve had the best of times and now you need to navigate the harder times, considering how you can work on more interests for yourself.

It sounds like you need to book a holiday to the Maldives! Reminding yourself of the perks of your life choices might help to alleviate the frustrations- write a long list of holiday destinations and start booking one every couple of months.

I think this must be why my mother told me to never give up my career. You have benefitted from this arrangement (and your marriage does appear to be more of an arrangement than anything else), and perhaps if you had to do it all again, you’d make different choices…

Saying that, I think you can salvage something from the “wreckage”. You’re in a good position (you have resources - health hopefully, wealth - certainly). You need to find some meaning in your life. It’d be nice if you could find something to save in your relationship but perhaps that won’t happen. Still better to be in your position than poor and unhappy. And you know that - that’s why you married him in the first place.

I think couples under estimate the impact of retirement. Prior to that you both had your own well defined roles in the home and family (regardless as to whether pps would have like those roles!). But now you are into a second life and what you could ignore before is now annoying you more.

You don't sound to me as though you want to leave. So you need to find some way of dealing with the relationship at home. The first thing to realise I think I is that you don't need to rise to every annoying comment or have a fight - so what if you are pandering to your daughters? Just say yes I am and carry on! Change the subject and just move on.

It sounds as though because you have been at home longer you have your own social life and your H is a bit jealous. I'd just suggest something to do together (if I wanted to) or go off to whatever I wanted to do!

When he is being a complete dick, before you reply try writing "cunt" on the roof of your mouth with the tip of your tongue. By the time you are crossing the t you will have calmed down and can just say yes dear and carry on!

When he is being a complete dick, before you reply try writing "cunt" on the roof of your mouth with the tip of your tongue. By the time you are crossing the t you will have calmed down and can just say yes dear and carry on!

I don't even know what to say to this... That Giambattista Valli dress is so not worth it. Just call him a cunt every so often, OP. I would have by now.

I'd be calling him it a lot but it didn't seem to me to be the type of conversation the OP has with her H and sometimes time to think whilst mentally calling them a cunt helps.

To be honest I know I've kind of sworn in the OP and maybe other places but one thing DH would never do is swear at me and neither would I swear at him (though I swear more). He very occasionally swears at home (maybe more on the golf course) but not often. He was brought up not to swear and that's how we brought up the children.

You have taken me rather too literally. I meant: stand up for yourself, with or without swearing, or you are going to spend the next twenty years being treated like an unpaid secretary-cum-mannequin. Only you can change this. He won't.

I don’t think this is real. Ever since I clicked on the original dress thread I have being seeing adverts for the store where the dress was acquired. Now just reeling in a few extras.

Are you fecking serious?! I can't read all that!

@1AngelicFruitCake I don't disagree with you at all. I want to try to work through our marriage rather than just throw it all away and divorce him. I think I said in an earlier post that DH would be devastated if I went on holiday or just upped sticks as some have suggested. he thinks he provides me with a really lovely life and I'm happy! He really does! And honestly he doesn't see that his superior attitude annoys me I guess because when I was younger I never really challenged him. Its really hard to explain, I don't know if you'd call it male entitlement, or because of his upbringing but he just assumes that what he says goes.

You and your children (icky and needless rugby comment) sound horribly spoiled and money/class obsessed, you chose the subservient trophy wife position so either carry on in that role or don’t, those are your choices, if you left you’d obviously be ok financially so that’s something you don’t need to consider

Have you never gone away by yourself in 33 years, for fear that your Dh will be devastated? Not even for a weekend? if so, time for him to be devastated. I think time away from each other in a long marriage is so important.

Sounds like you've never figured out who you are and what you want. Even back when you met your DH, you chose a man who would call the shots, and I would guess this was "a feature not a bug" as the saying goes. It meant not having to be the boss of your own life, but instead, marrying someone who would be the boss of you.

That way of life is certainly less effort, but it's ultimately less rewarding and brings much less sense of self-actualisation and fulfillment.

Marriage is only one possible arena of anyone's life, although it sounds like you've made it the sole arena of yours. Perhaps it's time to go out and find out who you are beyond being a wife, mother and grandmother. You can do this without leaving your husband, by the way. Your marriage sounds as though it is another symptom, not the cause, of your lack of self knowledge and direction.

What’s the thread for? I didn’t make it through that solid wall of stream of consciousness, did you have a question?

Well TBH your post is exactly what DH did say and some other things besides!
He didn't do this he stepped in to try to get her to back off but when I got off the phone he did have a a go at me and I got a bit worked up. The problem with DH is he always remains very calm but he was determined not to see my point of view at all. And he does say I do too much for our adult children (and I won't even mention the youngest who lives at home as what I do for him really annoys DH). I over committed to childcare for our DGC and I'm always checking in on them. I hold my hands up - its something I have to change.

Excellent analysis

Yes I've been to Roland Garos in Paris to watch the French open a few times with friends but only for one or two nights and also been away with eldest DS I cant think of anything else off hand. I did used to take the children to Spain every year to DH's parents villa when they were there but I guess that doesn't count.