DH so, so annoying!!! Ahhhh!

[Char65]

My DH! 😡OMG I find him so incredibly annoying at times! Last Saturday we went to a lovely party and I wore a gorgeous and very expensive gold dress which I posted about on style and beauty and he was fully of compliments and it was a really lovely, lovely evening and this Saturday we had a bit of an argument about Christmas arrangements and some other stuff. The youngest lives at home and then our eldest son and his wife and out granddaughter are coming Christmas day but not sure what’s happening with the two girls who I phoned and was talking to for ages and then got accused of pandering to them as I wanted to see them over the Christmas period and they weren’t panning to come over Christmas day with their b/fs. DH thinks he’s right all the time and doesn’t like me disagreeing with him and he doesn’t listen to me so when I get really het up and we argue he accuses me of being pig-headed and bad-tempered. I joined MN and posted about things being difficult since DH had retired in 2018 – which was my first post - backstory here. He had a high-powered high-income job in the City. We married when I was 25 and he was 38, that was 33 years ago! I became a SAHM with an allowance which I loved as had 4 children now aged 32, 30, 27 and 22 – the youngest being at home still (I was so, so happy when the children were young and really loved life! The children all went to private schools but didn’t board and my life revolved around them to a large extent. Our eldest played rugby and if it wasn’t for an injury would have become a professional and our eldest daughter played cello in an orchestra but not professional). We wanted for nothing and had a lovely lifestyle and lovely family holidays. DH has always been good with money and we moved house quite a few times to make money on sales and he invested in property as well and stocks and shares like his dad who owned a stables and holiday lets and a shop. His mum was a SAHM and his dad was very traditional in his thinking. I always got on well with his parents who owned a villa in Spain (we now own it) and used to take the children out there even if DH was working and could only join us for a short period but the truth is DH has always been a bit difficult. He’s very traditional, serious and stern and I guess I’ve always been a bit placid and submissive but on the flip side he’s always been faith and loyal, supported me financially (in fact he’s very generous to me and the children) and backed up with anything to do with the children. When he was working he often worked late and played golf every Saturday, so we didn’t see a huge amount of each other. He liked coming back to a nice home and when we went out socially he’d always be very complimentary like he was last Saturday and oddly that is when we get on the best as he likes having a younger wife and the fact I’m quiet ‘chatty’ and sociable as he can be quite quiet. He’s never minded me going out with friends, shopping, beauty treatments, going to the theatre etc and but he’s always been in charge. In fact one day I overheard him talking to my Dad (my parents used to babysit a lot for us and stay over) and Dad asked him what I thought about something or other he was planning for us to do (probably move house!) and DH said ‘oh she’ll just do as she’s told.’ As I say when the children were young they were my life and I guess were my Achilles heel when it came to DH and why I didn’t push things when he made decisions I wasn’t happy about (oh and I have to say he knew that too!) like moving house which was a big upheaval especially for me and the children but now they have all left home apart from the youngest, so I don’t need to care for them so much. We have recently become grandparents and I over committed on childcare, but DH sorted that out. After the last post I put some things to DH which had been suggested by kind MNers. He said he didn’t want to be a NED or do any form of voluntary work or anything like that but wanted to relax though he did like the auctioneering idea, and we have done that together and he’s going to specialise (he used to collect rare books and James Bond/Ian Fleming memorabilia which he loves and is surprising valuable) so that’s really good and we’ve had some good days out with that, going for nice lunches but again DH likes to dictate what I buy so I tend to just let him buy things and I look around. When we sat down to talk things over (I’ve learnt over the years to do this is in a way that I’m not 'having a go' at him or he gets defensive) his issues with me were that I was always phoning and texting the children (he thinks I molly coddle them and we have an ‘uneasy peace’ shall we say with the youngest still being at home) and had continued my life as it was before he retired. He admitted he’d found it hard to adjust to retirement and although he doesn’t pick holes in me so much or try to organise me so much now we are alone together I know we don’t have that much in common, which is why the auctioneering is good because at least we’re kind of doing something together. I was hoping he would ‘lighten up’ (as our oldest used to say to him!) as he got older but that hasn’t happened (in fact he’s got worse!). I love him and know at 71 I know he’s not going to change and to be honest I can’t imagine life without him so I’m not going to leave him so really I’ve just come on here to vent and let off steam really – ahhhhh - he is so f**king annoying at times!!!! Thanks MN - I feel a lot better now!😃

Why are so many posters struggling to read it without paragraphs 😄 It's not that difficult.

You posted before about your bossy controlling husband and your lovely life as a SAHM with designer clothes, coffee with friends, being devoted to the children and so on. Building your life solely around your husband and children comes at a price. If I am not wrong, you even called yourself a " trophy wife".

I said back then that you need to get a life of your own- volunteer, study, work even- and you said you had plenty to do. You sound bored and unfulfilled; I would be too if I were at home all day being bossed around. Leave him to sulk at home. Go out and find some purpose beyond buying pretty dresses and getting your hair done.

I remember your previous thread. Has he a least started showering more?

I agree with PP that counselling would be a good idea. Good luck.

You come across as being pretty preoccupied with being seen as successful- like you get your happiness from the validation of showing people a certain image of yourself, your kids, your status/wealth. The whole gold dress thing (it was irrelevant to the subject of your post, but you wanted to throw it out there again and relive it), the need to specify your kids' success... It comes off a bit 'look at me, see how successful I've been, I am successful right?'

If you prioritise that form of success and happiness, it's a happiness that is fragile and very dependent on others. You married someone who suited your priorities, and enabled you to fulfil them, but now that you've enjoyed decades of that and got all you can out of it, you're disappointed that he isn't also the respectful, kind, principled person you would also appreciate having around for the rest of your life.

It just feels a bit like you want to have your cake and eat it too. That's not to excuse your DH being the way he is, saying the things he does. Obviously it's not good.

Personally, I think you should try to find a source of real joy that is more deep and meaningful, and that you can attain without having to have it validated by other people's applause. It's up to you what that could be.

I don't think your DH is the real root of your problem, though.

You can leave, or you can live the life you chose. What any of it has to do with a gold dress, I don't know. Unless it's a metaphor for the gilded cage you're in.

Paragraphs!

Has he a least started showering more?

sorry I think you have confused me with someone else, DH showers everyday and is always very clean and smartly dressed!

Well things change, and sometimes drastically.

Your DH always behaved like this. But because the distraction of his work is gone, he notices more than he used to that your attention is not solely on him.

He's irritated by you even speaking to your own daughters!
Diddums is very cross with Mummy for talking to other people.

Things suited you both when your lifestyles were different.
Now both your lifestyles have changed.
There is a massive change in dynamics.

It is now revealed that the relationship was scaffolded by household dynamics and roles and not by the actual intimate relationship between the two of you being maintained.

Very very common in relationships all over.

When the kids grow up and leave home for college, our mothering role dissolves and what is left then?

They're trying to make out the OP is uneducated, when in fact they can't read a block of text themselves without getting giddy 😂

The thing is its not easy, is it? It's not just about me and DH but our 4 children too and our 6 week old grand daughter who will be babysitting for in the new year and the thing is its not all bad times and I do have a social life outside the home and have friends and we go to theatre regularly. DH OMG he'd be devasted! He honestly doesn't think anything is wrong and I'm going to say again it is partly my fault because for most of our married life I have just gone alone with his plans and made the best of it!

You can still do all of that OP! Single and divorced people go to the theatre and babysit their grandchildren.

It sounds like you dislike him but want his money and that's why you are really finding this a difficult choice. I bet if you won the lottery you'd be off like a shot.

It's also unfair on him if you have never told him how miserable you have been all these years. I really do think that this a choice that you are making. You cannot just be passive in your own life and then blame other people for it.

I wish I'd never mentioned the gold dress!!!!! @loverofpants is kind of right. All I was saying was we had a lovely evening the week before and I wore a lovely gold dress and DH was very complimentary and a week later we were arguing not because I spend two much time on the phone to the children - we'd be arguing all the time if that were the case but because our two daughters who live in London - one with her b/f, one at her b/f's parent's house wouldn't commit to seeing us over Christmas (though we have since agreed to all go out for a meal) and DH was annoyed that I was 'pandering' to them and kept trying to get them to agree dates. Then it got onto other Christmas arrangements. I just wanted to show the topsy turvey nature of the marriage, that's all, but I was in a very bad mood when I wrote the OP on Sunday afternoon and I apologise for the lack of paragraphs and the spelling and the grammar (my English teacher thought I was pretty useless too!) and everything else! I admit I should have taken more time over it!

That was a different poster. That poster was much younger and did not have adult children.

He’s never minded me going out with friends, shopping, beauty treatments, going to the theatre etc and but he’s always been in charge.

This is such a telling sentence. He's the dictatorial boss and you are his employee, to be told off whenever you have a thought of your own, or want to see your children, or do anything beyond your job, which is to cater to him.

@Sususudio Yes that's how it feels, I can't really argue with this.

Clearly it is difficult when so many posters are having trouble with it.

'He's always been in charge' and 'She does as she's told'... Come on OP, this is not the 1950's! Time to find a new purpose and something that you really want to pursue just for yourself. As money is no object it could be anything!

Go off for some solo travel on your own to find yourself, and let your family sort themselves out. What would happen if you just told DH " I am off to Tuscany for a few days. Bye!". You are a person,not just a mannequin to look pretty and provide childcare.

Oh right. I think this just shows the extent to which your marriage is based on quite superficial things in a way. You were dressed up beautifully like a mannequin, and he approved of the mannequin at the time, so why is the relationship so hard?

Well, maybe because relationships aren't built on one person being a trophy for the other person.

Well if you want a lavish lifestyle without having to work to provide it yourself, you need a certain type of man, and usually they're not nice ones. He sounds like a misogynist dick, but you've willingly gone along with this presumably for the wealth as well as the children. I can't help but agree with the PP who said you reap what you sow.

This. I cannot even fathom having such an unequal marriage. I nearly threw up when I read "SAHM with allowance". It sounds like you have a very comfortable lifestyle, but are way way too focused on your family and marriage because of not having a job.

He’s given you a lovely life and children you’re close with. Be grateful. We all have our faults but on the scale of things, you’ve done incredibly well.

Better to be an old man’s darling than a young man’s slave ;-)

Huh? This is precisely what’s wrong with society.

But she's not his darling and he's not hers. She's spent her life going along with whatever he wants. Sounds pretty slavish to me.

It never goes well when alpha men retire; they tend to treat their wives like secretaries. I don't suppose you can walk into a job but volunteer or study or do something-anything- that gets you out of the house, so you don't have to watch his moods all the time. You probably do mollycoddle the kids because you are getting your purpose from being needed by them. But they are adults!

I wonder can you be more assertive and put yourself forwards and make your own decisions??
You deserve as much power as him.
Challenge the the status quo