DH so, so annoying!!! Ahhhh!

[Char65]

My DH! 😡OMG I find him so incredibly annoying at times! Last Saturday we went to a lovely party and I wore a gorgeous and very expensive gold dress which I posted about on style and beauty and he was fully of compliments and it was a really lovely, lovely evening and this Saturday we had a bit of an argument about Christmas arrangements and some other stuff. The youngest lives at home and then our eldest son and his wife and out granddaughter are coming Christmas day but not sure what’s happening with the two girls who I phoned and was talking to for ages and then got accused of pandering to them as I wanted to see them over the Christmas period and they weren’t panning to come over Christmas day with their b/fs. DH thinks he’s right all the time and doesn’t like me disagreeing with him and he doesn’t listen to me so when I get really het up and we argue he accuses me of being pig-headed and bad-tempered. I joined MN and posted about things being difficult since DH had retired in 2018 – which was my first post - backstory here. He had a high-powered high-income job in the City. We married when I was 25 and he was 38, that was 33 years ago! I became a SAHM with an allowance which I loved as had 4 children now aged 32, 30, 27 and 22 – the youngest being at home still (I was so, so happy when the children were young and really loved life! The children all went to private schools but didn’t board and my life revolved around them to a large extent. Our eldest played rugby and if it wasn’t for an injury would have become a professional and our eldest daughter played cello in an orchestra but not professional). We wanted for nothing and had a lovely lifestyle and lovely family holidays. DH has always been good with money and we moved house quite a few times to make money on sales and he invested in property as well and stocks and shares like his dad who owned a stables and holiday lets and a shop. His mum was a SAHM and his dad was very traditional in his thinking. I always got on well with his parents who owned a villa in Spain (we now own it) and used to take the children out there even if DH was working and could only join us for a short period but the truth is DH has always been a bit difficult. He’s very traditional, serious and stern and I guess I’ve always been a bit placid and submissive but on the flip side he’s always been faith and loyal, supported me financially (in fact he’s very generous to me and the children) and backed up with anything to do with the children. When he was working he often worked late and played golf every Saturday, so we didn’t see a huge amount of each other. He liked coming back to a nice home and when we went out socially he’d always be very complimentary like he was last Saturday and oddly that is when we get on the best as he likes having a younger wife and the fact I’m quiet ‘chatty’ and sociable as he can be quite quiet. He’s never minded me going out with friends, shopping, beauty treatments, going to the theatre etc and but he’s always been in charge. In fact one day I overheard him talking to my Dad (my parents used to babysit a lot for us and stay over) and Dad asked him what I thought about something or other he was planning for us to do (probably move house!) and DH said ‘oh she’ll just do as she’s told.’ As I say when the children were young they were my life and I guess were my Achilles heel when it came to DH and why I didn’t push things when he made decisions I wasn’t happy about (oh and I have to say he knew that too!) like moving house which was a big upheaval especially for me and the children but now they have all left home apart from the youngest, so I don’t need to care for them so much. We have recently become grandparents and I over committed on childcare, but DH sorted that out. After the last post I put some things to DH which had been suggested by kind MNers. He said he didn’t want to be a NED or do any form of voluntary work or anything like that but wanted to relax though he did like the auctioneering idea, and we have done that together and he’s going to specialise (he used to collect rare books and James Bond/Ian Fleming memorabilia which he loves and is surprising valuable) so that’s really good and we’ve had some good days out with that, going for nice lunches but again DH likes to dictate what I buy so I tend to just let him buy things and I look around. When we sat down to talk things over (I’ve learnt over the years to do this is in a way that I’m not 'having a go' at him or he gets defensive) his issues with me were that I was always phoning and texting the children (he thinks I molly coddle them and we have an ‘uneasy peace’ shall we say with the youngest still being at home) and had continued my life as it was before he retired. He admitted he’d found it hard to adjust to retirement and although he doesn’t pick holes in me so much or try to organise me so much now we are alone together I know we don’t have that much in common, which is why the auctioneering is good because at least we’re kind of doing something together. I was hoping he would ‘lighten up’ (as our oldest used to say to him!) as he got older but that hasn’t happened (in fact he’s got worse!). I love him and know at 71 I know he’s not going to change and to be honest I can’t imagine life without him so I’m not going to leave him so really I’ve just come on here to vent and let off steam really – ahhhhh - he is so f**king annoying at times!!!! Thanks MN - I feel a lot better now!😃

Maybe it’s my sensitive pregnancy hormones but some of the comments here seem a wee bit harsh. It sounds like you’ve always done your best for your children and put your needs second. With your children now more independent, perhaps you could pick up a new hobby? You are never too old! What is something that the younger you wanted to do? Learn a new instrument? Take some painting classes? Learn a language? Hell, do some model painting, pole exercise, kayaking…whatever floats your boat (pun fully intended).

Also you’re perfectly entitled to complain. It can be a productive way of releasing those thoughts and feelings.

I don't see what the problem is, he hasn't got you caged up, he isn't manipulating you emotionally, or being unfaithful, he plays golf which leaves you time for yourself, and you don't have any money worries, if you no longer love him, then leave, if you do still love him, then stay. You knew what he thought of you, when you overheard him talking to your father, did your father agree with him?

I cant read anymore you sound so entitled , theres people on here with real problems and your gallivanting off to your Spanish villa ffs

DH would be devastated if I went on holiday or just upped sticks as some have suggested. he thinks he provides me with a really lovely life and I'm happy! He really does!

If this is true I do feel sorry for him. You have never told him how unhappy you are, all the while spending his money, and now he has finally retired you resent him being around.

You want him to leave you alone so that you can continue spending his money without having to interact with him. One day, when he's no longer there, you will have all that money to yourself and finally be happy. Maybe when you're 70 or 80? What a sad picture that paints.

Damn that was me, I was hoping he ripped that golden dress and said, we are not going out

Can I ask why your children didn't want to see you both over Christmas? Seems very odd..

Blimey, those diamond shoes a bit too tight 😏

So disappointed with the gold dress, it’s like 1980s relic meets toffee wrapper. One thing, if you're a tall 10/12 you’re unlikely to be as big as 36” bra band, go get measured!

You say you over committed on childcare and he sorted that out, sounds like it’s his way or the highway, do you have a voice or does he control everything as you’ve allowed that for so many years, he won’t change, your life with him will stay exactly the same with all the financial trappings you’re used to and you playing the role you’ve always played and him becoming more grumpy, status quo, good luck, I’m using food banks and can’t do Christmas as have no money but I wouldn’t swap places with you

maybe they’re just doing something else like volunteering, visiting in-laws, going abroad… so it isn’t that they don’t want to see her but they have different plans. You do sound quite annoying for them OP, it would drive me mad if my mum kept on badgering me like that

That would break my heart. My three all are around at Christmas time. I'd wonder what we had done wrong.

@Char65 what were you like before you met him, did you go to university, have a career you enjoyed. I really can't get a sense of you as an individual.

I would guess that reason would be the controlling "my way or the highway" father.
Op, you sound lovely, honest and totally self-aware.
Stop apologising and being so pleasant. You are allowed to say no or tell your husband that you disagree. Tell him not to be such a bully.
I love my Dad, but I do, as a 51 year old woman, have to limit my contact and make sure that I am in a position to leave if he starts being difficult. Which is very sad for my mother and I. I have shed so many tears over it and now, Christmas is really, unbelievably hard, even with children of my own. Don't be that mum. It's too sad.
You don't have to go nuclear, but you can put your foot down as often as you damn well please. You sound like you have been brought up to please others. Your husband would be devastated if you left, so start setting your boundaries or risk your kids doing it in a situation where it is impossible to do so with regards to your husband only x

And get the TV remote control off him, make him watch "Bad Sisters" with you. You'll enjoy it and he will maybe think about his behaviour.

Well - is your life that bad? You're pretty comfortable. Unless you're welded to your husband day and night you have time to yourself surely? You said you have friends and a social life. Men get older and grumpy, thats the way of it. What would he say if you want to do voluntary work? He isnt going to physically stop you, is he?

You've made your children your life and now you've no caring duties, you're bored. & focusing on your husband being boring and you having to have him around more at this stage in his life. He's 71, likely winding down and as said, men get grumpy as they age. Thats just a fact.

You'll likely be told to leave and make a life for yourself. But you might find the grass isn't greener out there at all. Sort things out with your husband. & build a life for yourself; we all have to, our partner can't always be our entertainer as it were. & your youngest will leave soon enough, so there's that. Find something to do

If all you wanted to do is vent then you have but you will come again and vent in another few months and then another. In that case I think you'd be better off getting a diary or even publishing an anonymous blog as you won't be the only women in this situation. It could be a great outlet for you to put your thoughts down coherently.

There's probably a lot of women in your position. You went for an older guy who could provide you with financial security, kids and a lifestyle you wouldn't have obtained on your own. That is fair enough. It wouldn't have been something I wanted for myself so I do find it hard to understand how anyone could out up with it.

In your situation I'd be inclined to have a long hard think about what you want from your life and what compromises you are willing to make and those that you aren't. I'd then sit down and discuss it. I would never have agreed to the lifestyle you have lived and if my dh behaved this way I would turf him out but I've grown up in a different era to you and am aware that perhaps is why I feel the way I do. It seems to me that yoube just come to the realisation that you would want a bit more control over your decisions and actually him not being home much suited you quite well.

It is absolutely OK in my view at least to live a life you are comfortable with and not rock the boat if you don't want to. It just wouldn't be the way I choose to live.

That's why she is (probably unconsciously) bragging - she's listing all the material things she has to try and convince herself the lifestyle is worth the unhappiness.

You quite rightly say your DH won't change @Char65. Why would he? He's perfectly content with your relationship.

It takes two people to create a relationship dynamic. If you change how you behave the dynamic has to change along with that. What behavioural/attitude changes can you make to improve things for yourself?

Apologies. Clearly got mixed up!

😆

No I had no career, I left school at 16 and did various office jobs and a bit of typing which I didn't really enjoy.

Its not that our 2 daughters don't want to see us at Christmas or that they don't get on well with their father. The girls get on better than our boys in fact (al thought that's changed with the oldest). Its just that one lives with her B/F's parents so naturally will spend Christmas Day with them and the other with her b/f who doesn't celebrate Christmas and she doesn't want to leave him alone. They would have come on Boxing day but we had arranged to see my brother and sister a while back so it was just a question of finding a day they were free, they'll all be here NYE with their partners though.

Thanks, I got lovely comments when I wore it but I did have it altered for my bust.

Oh and I agreed to meet them both in London during the day and go shopping and have some lunch

So essentially you married a man you don't like very much for the lifestyle - and to be fair he doesn't sound especially likeable, though we only have that from what you've said - and your marriage has got this far because you didn't have to be around each other too much. And now those chickens are coming home to roost.

"Only marry someone you actually like, or if you marry for money go into it with your eyes wide open" is fairly basic surely. I don't know what advice to give to someone who didn't realise that.