Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex with husband in a new marriage - I am disappointed and sad

182 replies

Gabrietta · 16/12/2023 05:50

I wasn't quite sure where I could post this and thought I would try here.

I have been married for a year. I didn't have much sexual experience before I met my husband (I had some experience from previous relationships, but i came from a conservative Christian background and i always just about stopped myself from going 'all the way' due to a feeling that it was 'forbidden'. I did sleep with my husband before we married though').

I thought it would be amazing - because everyone says it is - but I feel disappointed by our sex together and quite sad.

My husband never looks at me naked. He hardly ever touches my body (I have hinted that caressing is nice, and occasionally he does it but I think it's more of an obligation when he does). I don't feel like he fancies my body that much.

I caress him though, and I say nice things about his body. I say I like seeing him naked. But he doesn't really reciprocate or ever imply I'm sexy (he does tell me he finds my face beautiful.... But i feel he says it like he's admiring a painting).

I think I've climaxed once since being married. I don't feel very desired and I don't look forward to sex.

It wasn't great before we married (though it was in the very earliest days), but I thought it would get better after getting married.

Is this experience normal? Is sex often disappointing? Is it bigged up to be something it isn't? Am I being reasonable to feel disappointed, or is this just how it gets?

Sorry if there's been too much info here.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 16/12/2023 05:52

Did your husband have many girlfriends before you? My first assumption was that he was gay. How old is he? Is he very conventional?

GreatGateauxsby · 16/12/2023 05:59

Does he pack confidence?

I think I've climaxed once since being married. I don't feel very desired and I don't look forward to sex.

have you ever masturbated on your own? You KNOW when you've had an orgasm. As an fyi many women don't orgasm from penetration alone, although it can heighten the experience....

Patchworksack · 16/12/2023 06:02

It did also occur to me that he was gay - mainly because I’ve seen it happen multiple times to Christian female friends. The other option is he’s also inexperienced and has got into a pattern that works for him but not for you. Stop hinting and tell him straight.

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 06:08

It wasn't great before we married (though it was in the very earliest days), but I thought it would get better after getting married.

what on earth made you think this?

Passingthethyme · 16/12/2023 06:17

Well don't give up hope, it can be good once you both find your groove, especially if you're both inexperienced. Is he shy maybe or lacks confidence?

PurBal · 16/12/2023 06:23

As someone who also grew up a Christian and knowing the way it is discussed in those circles… to answer you this: Is it bigged up to be something it isn't? Yes. If your husband also grew up like that he may struggle to change his mindset. Sex doesn’t magically improve with marriage, sorry. But if he’s open you can work to improve it and have a fulfilling sex life.

cleo333 · 16/12/2023 06:23

I think frank conversations are needed. What is his background sexually , what does he think good sex is . What excites him and you . Etc

. It would be very hard to sustain a relationship forever with an unhappy sex life in my book but lots of people do ( I did for years but then met the right man) . I would look into this more and be more open in your conversation with him and expect answers

doodlepants · 16/12/2023 06:25

It sounds like you might have married my ex 😅 I moved on from a person like this and the sex with my now husband literally could not get better. I understand you're now married. He's unlikely to want to, but you're going to need to work on that because, trust me, it'll eat away at you if you don't.

NotARealWookiie · 16/12/2023 06:38

My first assumption is that he’s gay too. Otherwise it seems odd that he’s not more motivated by sex.

However he might be shy or massively lacking confidence I guess?

Imagwine · 16/12/2023 06:41

It sounds as if he’s not bothered about your needs. It depends on whether this is lack of confidence or lack of interest. The first can be worked on. The second not so much.

Either way, you need to have some proper conversations. Don’t just hint. You need to be very frank.

YRGAM · 16/12/2023 06:42

It's much more likely that he is shy and nervous than he is gay, in my opinion. I grew up in a conservative Christian surrounding too and I totally identify with what you said about sex being built up to be something magical and transformative. The other side of this is that do you both expect it to bee amazing automatically? Good sex can take lots of communication and honesty, and letting go of the idea that's it's supposed to be amazing from the get go might help you develop this and get to know what the other wants. Good luck!

MikeRafone · 16/12/2023 06:43

If you think you ve only climaxed once since married, your husband is a selfish lover. Allowing himself to climax but not ensuring your pleasure either first or afterwards is not acceptable.

you need to have a conversation about your sex life

sies your husband know what forplay is?

user1492757084 · 16/12/2023 06:43

Of course you can improve your sex life if you both want to.
You need to speak forthrightly; people can't mind read.

Sex in Christian marriages can be extra nice as in all marriages where committment to the pleasure and fulfulment of one's spouse is important.

LylaLee · 16/12/2023 06:44

Pornsick + deathgrip means they can't enjoy actual sex with a woman.

LadyWithLapdog · 16/12/2023 06:44

How old is your DH? Do you talk about sex, does he say he’s horny etc? Or is he from a similar Christian background and restrained (he’d still be horny, I imagine)?

user1492757084 · 16/12/2023 06:47

Go into a Christian book shop and purchase some good books about sexual pleasure and investing time in intimacy.

Any book shop really, but I'm assuming you are both conservative in your faith and beliefs.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 16/12/2023 06:49

I wouldn’t automatically think he was gay or pornsick - just shy and inexperienced. If he had a similar upbringing then he may just not know about what to do.
The best advice here is to talk to him and how you are feeling.

Hillrunning · 16/12/2023 07:01

The religious upbringing will be playing a big part. You are simultaneously taught that sex is bad and shameful pre marriage but transformative and spiritual after marriage. It can be so so hard for people to switch from one to the other. It sounds like you might both be battling with feeling around sex. I really like the sound of starting simple with some books on intimacy. And have conversations together.

Beseen22 · 16/12/2023 07:03

Did he grow up in the same background? If so he may hold sexual problems from teenage years in the same the way females often do when raised in purity culture. My best friend has vaginismus and hasn't been able to be intimate her entire marriage which is approaching a decade.

cerisepanther73 · 16/12/2023 07:05

@Gabrietta

order online or seek out a book on tantric sex it focuses much on sensuality and intimacy touch,

rather than mechanics and thrust of sexual act so to speak,

Just wondering 🤔 karma Sutra book could be beneficial in some way in that regards too.

PriOn1 · 16/12/2023 07:07

“I thought it would be amazing - because everyone says it is”

I’ve had sex with three different men in my lifetime and it’s never been amazing for me. Generally I can take it or leave it, though back when I was fertile, it was better after ovulation.

So I hope you can find a way to make it amazing for you, but it’s certainly not universal (especially for women) to love having sex.

Bettyintheburbs · 16/12/2023 07:12

No, it’s not meant to be like this. I had a similar sexual experience many years ago, with a man I was engaged to but didn’t marry. He turned out to be gay. A good friend of mine, male, also gay, came from a similar Christian background to the one you describe and he married a woman when he was young and was confused about why the sex didn’t seem to work well. Later he fell in love with a man and they’ve been together for many years. I feel very sad for you, but please know this isn’t how it’s meant to be.

cerisepanther73 · 16/12/2023 07:16

Typo omission more *

Pluviophile1 · 16/12/2023 07:16

I wouldn't leap to the conclusion that he was gay, it might just be his inexperience - and also yours.

Communication is key. Tell him what you would like in bed and ask him the same. Guide his hands to where you want them to be, tell him 'I love it when you...', suggest a different position, ask him to look at your body. This might feel awkward to begin with, but unless you communicate with eachother openly, it isn't going to get better.

youngones1 · 16/12/2023 07:18

Are you able to completely relax when you are intimate with him? This will allow you to enjoy the sex more. Maybe you could ask him to take time, give you a message etc.

Swipe left for the next trending thread