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Original poster

Sex with husband in a new marriage - I am disappointed and sad

182 replies

Gabrietta · 16/12/2023 05:50

I wasn't quite sure where I could post this and thought I would try here.

I have been married for a year. I didn't have much sexual experience before I met my husband (I had some experience from previous relationships, but i came from a conservative Christian background and i always just about stopped myself from going 'all the way' due to a feeling that it was 'forbidden'. I did sleep with my husband before we married though').

I thought it would be amazing - because everyone says it is - but I feel disappointed by our sex together and quite sad.

My husband never looks at me naked. He hardly ever touches my body (I have hinted that caressing is nice, and occasionally he does it but I think it's more of an obligation when he does). I don't feel like he fancies my body that much.

I caress him though, and I say nice things about his body. I say I like seeing him naked. But he doesn't really reciprocate or ever imply I'm sexy (he does tell me he finds my face beautiful.... But i feel he says it like he's admiring a painting).

I think I've climaxed once since being married. I don't feel very desired and I don't look forward to sex.

It wasn't great before we married (though it was in the very earliest days), but I thought it would get better after getting married.

Is this experience normal? Is sex often disappointing? Is it bigged up to be something it isn't? Am I being reasonable to feel disappointed, or is this just how it gets?

Sorry if there's been too much info here.

OP posts:
Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 12:08

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 11:59

rather than just remain single and not have to engage in sexual activities that they truly don't want to

Because they are in denial?
Because they are hoping to ‘become’ straight with enough prayer and effort?
Because they want the loving companionship most people crave?
Because they want the children and family and belonging many people crave?

Its not that hard to imagine why.

@Iknowsomeonesimilar I understand that these are reasons. But to fight against the natural instincts of your brain must be awful. But do do it without showing signs of distress, even worse. You are talking as if it is easy and you could do it. Yes it happens, but that doesn't mean I can't find it surprising.

I think vast majority of people, regardless of their gender or sexuality, would be distressed and repulsed to the point it would be obvious to the other person.

ripplingwater · 16/12/2023 12:10

Because they are in denial?
Because they are hoping to ‘become’ straight with enough prayer and effort?
Because they want the loving companionship most people crave?
Because they want the children and family and belonging many people crave?

Its not that hard to imagine why.

You can have all of those things in a gay relationship. The denial thing I get but I also feel it's essentially lying to your partner and isn't lying a sin too? If you're coming at this from a purely religious point of view then you are lying to your wife and most likely entertaining sexual thoughts about men- so that's also sinning.

There is no way this scenario can work itself out without involving some form of "sin" or lying to someone you supposedly love either way. Also, why does your want to have kids trump the wife being lied to for her entire marriage? that's very selfish whichever angle you look at it.

WhatWhereWho · 16/12/2023 12:23

Sorry it's like this at the moment. I would think that you are two inexperienced, shy people and have possibly brought religious hang ups into the relationship. It's the kind of thing that could perhaps be resolvable through understanding, respect for the other, communication and both making an effort to learn. Both partners have got to want to address the issue though.

It's possible that both of you are not too satisfied with this right now.

ripplingwater · 16/12/2023 12:24

BTW, I think it's equally wrong to lie about loving/wanting someone in a straight relationship, it's not about being gay or bi or straight. I think when you commit your life to someone, the most basic requirement you owe them is honesty about your feelings towards them (I don't mean you have to go through minute details of your past relationships but your honest feelings towards THEM). If you don't even have a basis of honesty and they aren't aware of the goal posts then everyone is in for a world of pain.

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 12:29

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 12:08

@Iknowsomeonesimilar I understand that these are reasons. But to fight against the natural instincts of your brain must be awful. But do do it without showing signs of distress, even worse. You are talking as if it is easy and you could do it. Yes it happens, but that doesn't mean I can't find it surprising.

I think vast majority of people, regardless of their gender or sexuality, would be distressed and repulsed to the point it would be obvious to the other person.

Show quote history

I’m not talking as if it’s easy. Where on earth did you get that from. You are asking questions and others are answering them. You then keep saying how surprised you are. That’s fine. Be surprised. We all know that now. I’m not sure why you want to keep asking questions if your responses are now going to be an increasing defensiveness of how surprised you are. No one is arguing against your surprise but you do appear to want to argue against others, then hide that under your ‘surprise’.

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 12:32

ripplingwater · 16/12/2023 12:10

Because they are in denial?
Because they are hoping to ‘become’ straight with enough prayer and effort?
Because they want the loving companionship most people crave?
Because they want the children and family and belonging many people crave?

Its not that hard to imagine why.

You can have all of those things in a gay relationship. The denial thing I get but I also feel it's essentially lying to your partner and isn't lying a sin too? If you're coming at this from a purely religious point of view then you are lying to your wife and most likely entertaining sexual thoughts about men- so that's also sinning.

There is no way this scenario can work itself out without involving some form of "sin" or lying to someone you supposedly love either way. Also, why does your want to have kids trump the wife being lied to for her entire marriage? that's very selfish whichever angle you look at it.

I’m not arguing for the morality of this. Just answering a question.

And as for ‘ you can have that in a gay relationship’, well obviously this thread is in the context of people who don’t feel that option is open to them due to their beliefs.

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 12:39

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 12:29

I’m not talking as if it’s easy. Where on earth did you get that from. You are asking questions and others are answering them. You then keep saying how surprised you are. That’s fine. Be surprised. We all know that now. I’m not sure why you want to keep asking questions if your responses are now going to be an increasing defensiveness of how surprised you are. No one is arguing against your surprise but you do appear to want to argue against others, then hide that under your ‘surprise’.

Show quote history

@Iknowsomeonesimilar because I am fascinated by it. It's as simple as that. Then you and some others here give examples of how it happens in society and reasons why you think it is the case, so I respond. I can only speak from my own perspective and how it would be for me as a straight male.

Most people find it surprising, male and female, gay and straight .Because most people couldn't physically do it.

Nelliemellie · 16/12/2023 12:45

Please do not get pregnant. If he turns out to be gay you will be stuck. I know a few women married to closeted gay men. They were keen to have children quickly. Do you want to lead a miserable life? Listen to your gut instincts.

ripplingwater · 16/12/2023 12:47

And as for ‘ you can have that in a gay relationship’, well obviously this thread is in the context of people who don’t feel that option is open to them due to their beliefs

Yes, I agree. Hence my point that marrying someone of the opposite sex when you really want to be with someone of the same sex still does involve "sin" from a belief perspective. It's just a different kind of sin is all, but it's still "sinning" from a religious perspective.

BardRelic · 16/12/2023 13:52

Put it this way - As a straight man if I was in bed with a man I couldn't get an erection in a million years. It would take extreme acting ability not to appear freaked out and disgusted by the situation. I would expect someone gay to feel the same about a straight encounter?

@Tonto37 as PP have pointed out, there are plenty of examples of gay men who married and had children. I think the mistake you are making is in thinking that there's an equivalence between a straight man having sex with a man, and a gay man having sex with a woman. There isn't. Most of us grow up in a society in which there is a great deal of homophobia and where heterosexuality is assumed to be normal. Think of it as a kind of brainwashing, if you will.

As a result, you just create an expectation that men will be attracted to women and so for anyone growing up where that isn't the case, there is a great deal of confusion and pressure to conform. Plus I agree with PP that human sexuality is complicated and subtle. Plenty of people are bi to a degree, but perhaps a lot more attracted to one sex than the other.

Someone gay may feel exactly how you describe, but about their own sexuality. So they may persuade themselves that they are in fact straight. And women's bodies are so routinely sexualised that it's not much of a leap. So yes, gay men do sometimes have sex with women and they do sometimes convince themselves to marry them. I don't know if that's the case with the OP and her DH, but it's not outlandish to suggest it.

BMW6 · 16/12/2023 13:57

Sorry but I suspect he's gay too.

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 14:46

ripplingwater · 16/12/2023 12:47

And as for ‘ you can have that in a gay relationship’, well obviously this thread is in the context of people who don’t feel that option is open to them due to their beliefs

Yes, I agree. Hence my point that marrying someone of the opposite sex when you really want to be with someone of the same sex still does involve "sin" from a belief perspective. It's just a different kind of sin is all, but it's still "sinning" from a religious perspective.

I think that depends on your theology. There is an absolutely horrible organisation called Outside In or something like that, and they are a Christian organisation who in their promo video have a gay man who marries a straight woman and this is presented as a good thing that God wants them to do.

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 14:49

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 12:39

@Iknowsomeonesimilar because I am fascinated by it. It's as simple as that. Then you and some others here give examples of how it happens in society and reasons why you think it is the case, so I respond. I can only speak from my own perspective and how it would be for me as a straight male.

Most people find it surprising, male and female, gay and straight .Because most people couldn't physically do it.

Show quote history

You are right when you are speaking from your own perspective but you seem to extrapolate from that to everyone else. I do not find it surprising and neither do many people on here. I can only think of one person I know in real life who when this subject has come up, who finds it surprising and she was also someone who appeared unable to understand that other people are different from her and experience and respond to things differently from her.

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 14:53

Gillypie23 · 16/12/2023 10:56

Hes either shy and inexperienced or gay.

or…. doesn’t want to have sex with his wife

There’s hundreds of threads on mumsnets about this but the female feeling as he does

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 14:56

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 14:53

or…. doesn’t want to have sex with his wife

There’s hundreds of threads on mumsnets about this but the female feeling as he does

Show quote history

No, there are only very occasionally threads from women whose partner from the start of the relationship does not appear that into having sex with them. Most of the sexless threads started by women are where sex has waned over time.

OPs situation is quite unusual.

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 14:56

i feel sorry for him

He obviously though he’d found someone who has a similar outlook re sex ie not interested

Meanwhile for some unfathomable reason the op was hoping it would ramp up once they were married

now they are married, he hasn’t changed but she’s moved the goalposts

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 14:59

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 14:56

No, there are only very occasionally threads from women whose partner from the start of the relationship does not appear that into having sex with them. Most of the sexless threads started by women are where sex has waned over time.

OPs situation is quite unusual.

Show quote history

oh i have read plenty where it’s been early on

or they’re even dating and the sex is poor or likes the guy a lot but doesn’t want sexual relations as often as he does

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:00

the only thing unusual is that the Op thought it would change once married

He never expressed interest in sex.

This isn’t a situation that has developed. It was from the outset

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:02

@Iknowsomeonesimilar

I am someone who thought sex was overrated till my mid 40s. I genuinely thought all the women’s magazines were lying about sex

did you never ever discuss sex with close friends?

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 15:18

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:00

the only thing unusual is that the Op thought it would change once married

He never expressed interest in sex.

This isn’t a situation that has developed. It was from the outset

OP doesn't say he is never interested in sex. So your conclusion that he hoped he had found someone similarly not interested in sex is not supported by the information we have so far.

She says she doesn't feel like he fancies her. She doesn't talk about how often they have sex.

It could be that he does want sex, but is not really attracted to her, but has sex with her anyway as he wants sex and she is his only option.

Which could mean he is gay.

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 15:21

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:02

@Iknowsomeonesimilar

I am someone who thought sex was overrated till my mid 40s. I genuinely thought all the women’s magazines were lying about sex

did you never ever discuss sex with close friends?

No, I consider that private.

I also consider it really disrespectful to my partner, or theirs', to talk about this.

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 15:21

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 14:49

You are right when you are speaking from your own perspective but you seem to extrapolate from that to everyone else. I do not find it surprising and neither do many people on here. I can only think of one person I know in real life who when this subject has come up, who finds it surprising and she was also someone who appeared unable to understand that other people are different from her and experience and respond to things differently from her.

Show quote history

@Iknowsomeonesimilar Nah the vast majority of straight women would hate to have vagina in their face, it would be a horrible experience. The vast majority of straight men would hate to have dick in their mouth. To the extent they would need therapy. These people would undoubtedly find it surprising that someone could block this out their mind and go ahead to physically do it, without the recipient noticing. So I think you are in the minority to not wonder how they do it.

For someone gay, I would expect that the thought of straight sex would be equally as repulsive as above. But then you hear these stories of the likes of Schofield being gay but marrying women.

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:25

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 15:18

OP doesn't say he is never interested in sex. So your conclusion that he hoped he had found someone similarly not interested in sex is not supported by the information we have so far.

She says she doesn't feel like he fancies her. She doesn't talk about how often they have sex.

It could be that he does want sex, but is not really attracted to her, but has sex with her anyway as he wants sex and she is his only option.

Which could mean he is gay.

Show quote history

of course it “could mean that’s he’s gay”

i never suggested otherwise

any married man “could” be gay
any married female “could” be gay

unless their pronounce themselves as such… we really don’t know!

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:27

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 15:21

No, I consider that private.

I also consider it really disrespectful to my partner, or theirs', to talk about this.

Show quote history

so you and not any friend of yours ever talked about sex.

Im not talking specifics but i’m taking about enjoyment

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:28

i’m really not clear what your point is
@Iknowsomeonesimilar

is it that “he could be gay” is not an unreasonable opinion? if this, then i agree