Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex with husband in a new marriage - I am disappointed and sad

182 replies

Gabrietta · 16/12/2023 05:50

I wasn't quite sure where I could post this and thought I would try here.

I have been married for a year. I didn't have much sexual experience before I met my husband (I had some experience from previous relationships, but i came from a conservative Christian background and i always just about stopped myself from going 'all the way' due to a feeling that it was 'forbidden'. I did sleep with my husband before we married though').

I thought it would be amazing - because everyone says it is - but I feel disappointed by our sex together and quite sad.

My husband never looks at me naked. He hardly ever touches my body (I have hinted that caressing is nice, and occasionally he does it but I think it's more of an obligation when he does). I don't feel like he fancies my body that much.

I caress him though, and I say nice things about his body. I say I like seeing him naked. But he doesn't really reciprocate or ever imply I'm sexy (he does tell me he finds my face beautiful.... But i feel he says it like he's admiring a painting).

I think I've climaxed once since being married. I don't feel very desired and I don't look forward to sex.

It wasn't great before we married (though it was in the very earliest days), but I thought it would get better after getting married.

Is this experience normal? Is sex often disappointing? Is it bigged up to be something it isn't? Am I being reasonable to feel disappointed, or is this just how it gets?

Sorry if there's been too much info here.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 16/12/2023 09:08

Why all these suggestions the guy is gay.

Maybe the op is gay and repressing that?

Treacletoots · 16/12/2023 09:11

He's lazy, selfish or gay.

Disagree that he's shy or nervous because as you point out it was good in the very beginning.

If I ever had sex with a man who didn't make sure I also had an orgasm, he would be very swiftly dumped. You can't "teach" someone not to be selfish, that's a very undesirable character flaw. Sorry.

Divorce now, or later. But please don't accept this life. Rip the band aid off and start looking for something that works for you. You deserve a good sex life!

Stopbloodybanging · 16/12/2023 09:13

I wonder whether your husband still has a sense of shame/forbidden pleasure around sex? He might think that he’s disrespecting you by doing anything other than the perfunctory. This is why he’ll compliment your face but not your body.
Or he might be gay.

Stopbloodybanging · 16/12/2023 09:14

burnoutbabe · 16/12/2023 09:08

Why all these suggestions the guy is gay.

Maybe the op is gay and repressing that?

That literally makes no sense.

Alohapotato · 16/12/2023 09:18

He is gay, separate before you have kids .

PeppermintMandy · 16/12/2023 09:24

Can we please stop with the sexist bullshit that if a man isn’t sexually confident in bed with a woman the first thought is he must be gay?

Mens appetite for sex and confidence in their sexual ability varies as much as it does in women. No they aren’t all desperate to put it in any hole they can find at any given opportunity. How they feel about sex is affected by mental health, physical health, upbringing (such as Conservative Christian), past trauma, how experienced or inexperienced they are etc.

PeppermintMandy · 16/12/2023 09:27

Treacletoots · 16/12/2023 09:11

He's lazy, selfish or gay.

Disagree that he's shy or nervous because as you point out it was good in the very beginning.

If I ever had sex with a man who didn't make sure I also had an orgasm, he would be very swiftly dumped. You can't "teach" someone not to be selfish, that's a very undesirable character flaw. Sorry.

Divorce now, or later. But please don't accept this life. Rip the band aid off and start looking for something that works for you. You deserve a good sex life!

Nope. She specifically says is WASN’T great in the beginning

Tistheseason23 · 16/12/2023 09:29

I don’t pick up gay from the op at all (him or her.) More like shyness and lack of experience.

Pigeonrific · 16/12/2023 09:32

The thing about sex is it's different with every person and some people just won't do it for you. Every man I've been with has been different and with some it was amazing (including my current bf) and with some I really didn't enjoy it even despite trying different things. In sex there are things at play beyond our control, very instinctive and fundamental biological things and if it's a poor match then the sex won't be very good.

theduchessofspork · 16/12/2023 09:41

I don’t think sex is bigged up especially - there is more to life of course, but it’s one of the greatest joys.

A frank conversation is needed as PP a days. It does sound like something more than shyness is going on for him - it could be that he’s shut down, doesn’t fancy you or is gay.

If it’s the first that’s something you could work on together, perhaps with the help of a therapist. If it’s either of the other two you need to call it. If he won’t discuss it you need to call it. This is no way to live.

Silverfoxlady · 16/12/2023 09:46

Over the years I have come to the conclusion that sex is not so straight forward as one would hope. In all the films and the sexy books the men barely touch the women and they orgasm happily together at the same time (as if…!).

There is a lot of focus on the man getting it right, when women’s bodies are complicated and so very different. It is easy for a man to orgasm, but so much harder (in my experience) for me to do the same.

First of all, I would recommend that you get to know your own body. For me, I found how to orgasm on my own, which is really helpful to show him how you like it done. So many ways to do this, only a couple of ways that I like.

Next, you have to have communication and tell him how you like to be touched. I am sorry, but sometimes men don’t get the hint and they need to be told straight ‘I need to be touched this way for this experience to be pleasurable.’ This is the part when you need to be open and honest with him, or it doesn’t work. He might be relieved that you are showing him, it can be overwhelming trying to figure this out on his own, and there is no greater turn-on than someone actually enjoying what you are doing.

After he learns what you enjoy, then being together and experimenting together is the next step.

Sex can be disappointing, but it doesn’t have to be. He needs to be told straight what you like, and if he wont change then it is time to talk about the marriage.

SaySomethingMan · 16/12/2023 09:48

My word, how did the gay conclusion come about?

OP, it can absolutely get better but you both need to be willing to work at it. You have to knO your own body so you can tell him what you like instead oh expecting him to work it out.

You’ve climaxed once so it can happen

Richie23 · 16/12/2023 09:51

You’ve not said whether your husband was also brought up with a religious background. Having also been brought up in church, purity is always something that is spoken about and encouraged. So you spend your life trying to avoid sex and foreplay etc, then get married and suddenly you can do anything you want. It’s a lot of pressure and confusing to suddenly switch your mindset.
Also, with having the religious background and then having some sexual experience including with your husband pre-marriage, that’s more exciting. You’re not really ‘meant’ to be doing anything, so it makes it more of a thrill. Again, then you get married and suddenly sex is ‘allowed’ and then it’s lost the anticipation.
Really the best thing to do is to talk to him about it - if he hasn’t had much experience then he may not feel confident in what he’s doing. You need to tell him what turns you on, and guide him a bit. Ask him what he likes. Even people with a lot of experience should talk to their partner about what they like as everyone has different preferences.

Hitrik · 16/12/2023 09:54

I’ve always found it a bit overrated to be honest.

You can orgasm by using your hands whilst he is doing his bit.

do you both do oral?

Startingagainandagain · 16/12/2023 09:55

It is a bit silly to jump to the conclusion that the man is gay...

I assume he has the same conservative, Christian background as you?

He might lack experience and has probably also internalised the damaging idea that sex is not for pleasure but only for procreation or even that it is 'dirty' and 'sinful'. Of course that will mess with someone's head.

You might both want to speak to a relationship counsellor to try to get over the hang ups.

Ascubudr · 16/12/2023 09:58

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/12/2023 05:52

Did your husband have many girlfriends before you? My first assumption was that he was gay. How old is he? Is he very conventional?

This, married 18 years here and 2 DC, DH still sends appretiative glances my way and certainly caresses me. It does not sound normal.

Annon00 · 16/12/2023 10:00

Hi OP,
First off I’m assuming you are both Christians/Christian background? If so, it’s more likely he has internalised some (unbiblical but common) hang ups about sex and is unsure what to do. It is absolutely possible for two people who love each other to work together to have a really fulfilling sex life. You don’t have to either leave him or put up with it!
Id suggest a kind and honest conversation. Then think about how you can express your desires. What about writing a story which describes how you wish he would act toward you?

Daisies12 · 16/12/2023 10:01

Marriage doesn’t magically improve sex. You need to work on it together and, be honest with each other. You have to tell him what you want and like, and vice Versa.

Silverfoxlady · 16/12/2023 10:03

Hitrik · 16/12/2023 09:54

I’ve always found it a bit overrated to be honest.

You can orgasm by using your hands whilst he is doing his bit.

do you both do oral?

I love this! Straight in there! Made me giggle.

I was thinking the other day how sometimes the sexiest thing a man can do is kiss the back of my neck whilst I am doing something mundane like washing the dishes… Even the touch of a hand and a hug and a kiss whilst on a date. I feel like sometimes these things are just as important, if not more so. Just getting used to being touched before being pounced on.

…but maybe I am just showing my age?

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 10:10

cerisepanther73 · 16/12/2023 07:29

@Gabrietta
I think 🤔 if he was brought up in ultra Conservative Christian culture he maybe proberly feels insecure and arkward shy lack of knowledge around the idea of sex and intimacy foreplay of how to participate with that and the reasons why it's essential to do this,

because its been such forbidden fruit off limits for so long,
plus maybe confusion of idea of chastity , marriage sex love making, cause of the way he was brought up,

Obviously he could be gay or even Bi,

I don't know how he could be gay. If he was gay he couldn't get an erection and would have to be the worlds best actor.

Put it this way - As a straight man if I was in bed with a man I couldn't get an erection in a million years. It would take extreme acting ability not to appear freaked out and disgusted by the situation. I would expect someone gay to feel the same about a straight encounter?

Treacletoots · 16/12/2023 10:12

@PeppermintMandy

"It wasn't great before we married (though it was in the very earliest days"

🙃

Also, I dated a man for years who turned out to be gay. OP could be describing him to a tee from my experience.

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 10:13

Treacletoots · 16/12/2023 10:12

@PeppermintMandy

"It wasn't great before we married (though it was in the very earliest days"

🙃

Also, I dated a man for years who turned out to be gay. OP could be describing him to a tee from my experience.

@Treacletoots not convinced. See my post above

Treacletoots · 16/12/2023 10:15

@Tonto37

I dated a man who eventually came out as gay for 6 years.

Erections were never a problem. Selfishness however....

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 10:19

Treacletoots · 16/12/2023 10:15

@Tonto37

I dated a man who eventually came out as gay for 6 years.

Erections were never a problem. Selfishness however....

Really surprised to hear that. It must be easier for them to have straight sex than it would be for someone straight to have gay sex?

It must have been awful for you when you found out. Good for your ego that you must be so hot could make a gay man hard! 😂

laclochette · 16/12/2023 10:22

I think anyone saying he's definitely gay is jumping way too far to conclusions. However, it's a possibility; the phrase about appreciating the OP's beauty feeling like looking at a beautiful painting is one I've heard a lot from gay men in straight relationships - it's a surprisingly common way to describe how it feels to appreciate someone aesthetically, but not carnally. However we cannot possibly know anything for sure based on these small snippets. Equally, if not more likely is that the shame and repression around sex that a religious upbringing creates is an issue, compounded by lack of experience. A third possibility is that they are simply not very attracted to one another! Our sexualities are discerning even within the realm of our sexual preferences. A fourth is that he may be asexual! We can't know.

I would suggest that you both take time to focus on self pleasure and your own personal erotic worlds. Masturbating, exploring your body, figuring out what your brain and body are aroused by - without the pressure of another person there. This can still be hard due to shame, so be patient! Then you can start to share this with each other, slowly slowly, communicating and demonstrating. No pressure for the other person to do anything except listen and learn. Then you can start to work on bringing each other that pleasure. This process could easily take many months so be patient but committed to curiosity and communication.