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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sex with husband in a new marriage - I am disappointed and sad

182 replies

Gabrietta · 16/12/2023 05:50

I wasn't quite sure where I could post this and thought I would try here.

I have been married for a year. I didn't have much sexual experience before I met my husband (I had some experience from previous relationships, but i came from a conservative Christian background and i always just about stopped myself from going 'all the way' due to a feeling that it was 'forbidden'. I did sleep with my husband before we married though').

I thought it would be amazing - because everyone says it is - but I feel disappointed by our sex together and quite sad.

My husband never looks at me naked. He hardly ever touches my body (I have hinted that caressing is nice, and occasionally he does it but I think it's more of an obligation when he does). I don't feel like he fancies my body that much.

I caress him though, and I say nice things about his body. I say I like seeing him naked. But he doesn't really reciprocate or ever imply I'm sexy (he does tell me he finds my face beautiful.... But i feel he says it like he's admiring a painting).

I think I've climaxed once since being married. I don't feel very desired and I don't look forward to sex.

It wasn't great before we married (though it was in the very earliest days), but I thought it would get better after getting married.

Is this experience normal? Is sex often disappointing? Is it bigged up to be something it isn't? Am I being reasonable to feel disappointed, or is this just how it gets?

Sorry if there's been too much info here.

OP posts:
Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 15:29

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 15:21

@Iknowsomeonesimilar Nah the vast majority of straight women would hate to have vagina in their face, it would be a horrible experience. The vast majority of straight men would hate to have dick in their mouth. To the extent they would need therapy. These people would undoubtedly find it surprising that someone could block this out their mind and go ahead to physically do it, without the recipient noticing. So I think you are in the minority to not wonder how they do it.

For someone gay, I would expect that the thought of straight sex would be equally as repulsive as above. But then you hear these stories of the likes of Schofield being gay but marrying women.

I find the certainty with which you categorically state what other people will think and feel quite remarkable.

The few straight women I know who have spoken about this are not adverse as you state they are. I think lesbian sex fantasies are quite common amongst otherwise straight women.

The only straight man I have spoken to, a former partner, said he would take up an offer from a man, if it came whilst he was single. He was someone who really indulged in sex and I think he saw it as another sexual experience to try.

And as many others have stated, when in situations where only same sex partners are available, same sex encounters are quite normal.

You seem to be very wedded to impose your own stated revulsion on the rest of humanity.

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 15:31

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:28

i’m really not clear what your point is
@Iknowsomeonesimilar

is it that “he could be gay” is not an unreasonable opinion? if this, then i agree

Edited

My point was that you are wrong to say OPs partner has never been interested in sex.

OP never said this. She just said he does not fancy her. She does not say how frequently they have sex.

Unless OP gives more detail, all we have at the moment is that they do have sex, but he doesn't appear to fancy her body.

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:36

i interpreted “It wasn't great before we married** to mean similar to now

i don’t think he’s misled her, she just hoped it would change when married. it hasn’t.

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:38

She just said he does not fancy her.

which certainly indicates to me a disinterest in sex.

or do you disagree that one would read “does not fancy her” to go hand in hand with disinterest in sex with her

Treacletoots · 16/12/2023 15:43

@Tonto37 it's interesting isn't it? If you look into ancient Greek civilisation for example, it was considered normal that men would have sex with men for pleasure and women were there for sole purpose of raising children and housekeeping.

I wonder whether men are just more likely to be able to have sex with whatever is available at the time. I'm not saying ALL men, but a fair proportion.

I consider myself mostly straight, but I wouldn't rule out an encounter with a woman if I found them incredibly attractive. I guess I'm what the young ones now call pansexual.

Oh it's a funny and interesting subject, sexuality and I think limiting our thinking only to modern concepts is by far not the way to understanding it fully.

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 15:49

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 15:29

I find the certainty with which you categorically state what other people will think and feel quite remarkable.

The few straight women I know who have spoken about this are not adverse as you state they are. I think lesbian sex fantasies are quite common amongst otherwise straight women.

The only straight man I have spoken to, a former partner, said he would take up an offer from a man, if it came whilst he was single. He was someone who really indulged in sex and I think he saw it as another sexual experience to try.

And as many others have stated, when in situations where only same sex partners are available, same sex encounters are quite normal.

You seem to be very wedded to impose your own stated revulsion on the rest of humanity.

@Iknowsomeonesimilar it certainly doesn't sound like straight women/men that you have been speaking to. All I will say is friends and partners have shared the same view as me. That includes my gay friends who would be repulsed by the thought of women in bed.

If you set up a poll I'd be very confident of being correct on this.

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 15:50

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:38

She just said he does not fancy her.

which certainly indicates to me a disinterest in sex.

or do you disagree that one would read “does not fancy her” to go hand in hand with disinterest in sex with her

A disinterests in sex with her is different from a disinterest in sex.

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:53

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 15:50

A disinterests in sex with her is different from a disinterest in sex.

agreed

and if you read through my posts i made this point very clearly

it’s all speculation. Throwing around ideas. But you seem rather intent to argue so i will leave you be

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 15:59

Treacletoots · 16/12/2023 15:43

@Tonto37 it's interesting isn't it? If you look into ancient Greek civilisation for example, it was considered normal that men would have sex with men for pleasure and women were there for sole purpose of raising children and housekeeping.

I wonder whether men are just more likely to be able to have sex with whatever is available at the time. I'm not saying ALL men, but a fair proportion.

I consider myself mostly straight, but I wouldn't rule out an encounter with a woman if I found them incredibly attractive. I guess I'm what the young ones now call pansexual.

Oh it's a funny and interesting subject, sexuality and I think limiting our thinking only to modern concepts is by far not the way to understanding it fully.

Yes, in Don't Sleep There are Snakes, the author lived in one of the few tribes still living hunter-gatherer lifestyle. The men there would openly engage in sexual activity together, whilst being 'married'. It was considered normal for men to 'fool around' with each other like that in their culture.

I remember a western lesbian travelling in Africa, and, after having sex with a black African woman, she asked the women when she realised she was a lesbian. The black African woman was taken aback at being labelled like this and said in her culture it was normal for women to comfort each other in this way.

These attitudes we have currently of nearly everyone being 100% straight or 100% gay are culturally informed. I think many more people are somewhere on the continuum between the two.

I've also known women who had sex with women in their youth before settling upon a straight identity.

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 16:00

Treacletoots · 16/12/2023 15:43

@Tonto37 it's interesting isn't it? If you look into ancient Greek civilisation for example, it was considered normal that men would have sex with men for pleasure and women were there for sole purpose of raising children and housekeeping.

I wonder whether men are just more likely to be able to have sex with whatever is available at the time. I'm not saying ALL men, but a fair proportion.

I consider myself mostly straight, but I wouldn't rule out an encounter with a woman if I found them incredibly attractive. I guess I'm what the young ones now call pansexual.

Oh it's a funny and interesting subject, sexuality and I think limiting our thinking only to modern concepts is by far not the way to understanding it fully.

@Treacletoots I find it so fascinating and interesting. Thanks so much for your insight and history lesson.

'What is available' may also apply to women as well at times. I once met a woman on a night out who said she was totally straight until she went to jail. She said got turned and was now happy in a lesbian relationship. Perhaps she was only saying that to reject my advances and it wasn't true 😂😂

Oblomov23 · 16/12/2023 16:19

This is a shame. But it's a risk Christian's take, if no sex before marriage means you end up with someone sexually incompatible.

But you could still talk about it, Work at it to make it better .

Or am I reading that there's actually more to it than this and it's not just the sex? he's not actually that loving a partner? So why did you marry him in the first place? Once again, you either work at it both of you or there's no shame in calling a day and getting divorced which is not ideal for a Christian but it's ok to admit we all make mistakes.

starlightcan · 16/12/2023 16:22

I think it can sometimes take practice to learn a) how to enjoy sex and b) how to satisfy your partner

It sounds like he is inexperienced and lacks confidence.

Do you feel able to have a (gentle) conversation with him about it?

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 16:23

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 15:59

Yes, in Don't Sleep There are Snakes, the author lived in one of the few tribes still living hunter-gatherer lifestyle. The men there would openly engage in sexual activity together, whilst being 'married'. It was considered normal for men to 'fool around' with each other like that in their culture.

I remember a western lesbian travelling in Africa, and, after having sex with a black African woman, she asked the women when she realised she was a lesbian. The black African woman was taken aback at being labelled like this and said in her culture it was normal for women to comfort each other in this way.

These attitudes we have currently of nearly everyone being 100% straight or 100% gay are culturally informed. I think many more people are somewhere on the continuum between the two.

I've also known women who had sex with women in their youth before settling upon a straight identity.

Edited

@Iknowsomeonesimilar You seem very keen to reference 'straight' people having same sex sexual experiences. It would indicate you are not 100% straight so you have this natural bias.

I think we can agree the majority of people are 100% gay or straight. But some people experience complexities and there are grey areas. I think this would apply to a tiny minority. You are of the opinion it is a lot more common than what I think it is. That is fair enough. The truth is we'll never know the answer.

starlightcan · 16/12/2023 16:47

Iknowsomeonesimilar · 16/12/2023 15:59

Yes, in Don't Sleep There are Snakes, the author lived in one of the few tribes still living hunter-gatherer lifestyle. The men there would openly engage in sexual activity together, whilst being 'married'. It was considered normal for men to 'fool around' with each other like that in their culture.

I remember a western lesbian travelling in Africa, and, after having sex with a black African woman, she asked the women when she realised she was a lesbian. The black African woman was taken aback at being labelled like this and said in her culture it was normal for women to comfort each other in this way.

These attitudes we have currently of nearly everyone being 100% straight or 100% gay are culturally informed. I think many more people are somewhere on the continuum between the two.

I've also known women who had sex with women in their youth before settling upon a straight identity.

Edited

I know loads of predominantly straight women who’ve had sexual encounters with other women. I understand there’s a fair bit of research showing that a large proportion of women are fairly sexually fluid.

Also have spent time with parts of the world where it’s normal for ‘straight’ men to sleep with men. (Not some cut off rarefied ‘hunter gatherer’ tribe, the dominant culture in a large country.)

BardRelic · 16/12/2023 17:05

Also have spent time with parts of the world where it’s normal for ‘straight’ men to sleep with men. (Not some cut off rarefied ‘hunter gatherer’ tribe, the dominant culture in a large country.)

Yes, this was a big problem in Brazil when AIDS first started to infect people. Safety campaigns focused on 'gay' men but many men in Brazil will have sex with other men and still consider themselves straight. So they ignored the advice in the health campaigns, because that was aimed at gay men and they didn't see themselves as gay. Despite Tonto's protests, there's a wealth of evidence that humans are quite sexually fluid, even those who identify as straight.

I consider myself to be straight but there are an enormous number of men I would never have sex with, because I consider them revolting. Whereas there are a lot of women I find very attractive, I've just never really been motivated to do anything about it.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 16/12/2023 17:07

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 16:23

@Iknowsomeonesimilar You seem very keen to reference 'straight' people having same sex sexual experiences. It would indicate you are not 100% straight so you have this natural bias.

I think we can agree the majority of people are 100% gay or straight. But some people experience complexities and there are grey areas. I think this would apply to a tiny minority. You are of the opinion it is a lot more common than what I think it is. That is fair enough. The truth is we'll never know the answer.

Oh my God shut up and go away now with your tiresome single mindedness and panic homophobia

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 17:16

SylvieLaufeydottir · 16/12/2023 17:07

Oh my God shut up and go away now with your tiresome single mindedness and panic homophobia

I find it absolutely disgusting that you can accuse me of homophobia. There is absolutely no evidence of this in anything I have said and it is bang out of order. You don't agree with me that the majority of people's sexuality is black and white, either 100% gay or straight fair enough. But you don't have to be nasty about it and accuse me of that.

annaT2122 · 16/12/2023 17:19

SylvieLaufeydottir · 16/12/2023 17:07

Oh my God shut up and go away now with your tiresome single mindedness and panic homophobia

@SylvieLaufeydottir Homophobia? Where 😲

BardRelic · 16/12/2023 18:01

Well the idea that pretty much everyone is either completely straight or completely gay, despite all the historical, cultural and scientific evidence to the contrary, is bigoted, at best. And you have to wonder at the motivation behind that bigotry. What's the big deal about accepting that quite a lot of straight people have at one time or another had sexual encounters with the same sex?

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 18:07

BardRelic · 16/12/2023 18:01

Well the idea that pretty much everyone is either completely straight or completely gay, despite all the historical, cultural and scientific evidence to the contrary, is bigoted, at best. And you have to wonder at the motivation behind that bigotry. What's the big deal about accepting that quite a lot of straight people have at one time or another had sexual encounters with the same sex?

is anyone so stupid as to actually say that on this thread?

Tonto37 · 16/12/2023 18:31

BardRelic · 16/12/2023 18:01

Well the idea that pretty much everyone is either completely straight or completely gay, despite all the historical, cultural and scientific evidence to the contrary, is bigoted, at best. And you have to wonder at the motivation behind that bigotry. What's the big deal about accepting that quite a lot of straight people have at one time or another had sexual encounters with the same sex?

@BardRelic "quite a lot." Now this is subjective. I believe that the vast majority of people are either straight, gay or bi. There is some people with complexities, where it is not black and white. I have never disputed this. But I disagree there are "quite a lot" that fit into this category.

Missfelinemoo · 16/12/2023 19:00

I hate that people say everyone is sexually fluid. I couldn't think of anything worse than another woman's vagina. Some people are straight and some aren't. But not everyone is fluid. I hope op finds happiness because life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship.

WrylyAmused · 16/12/2023 19:28

@Gabrietta
I once read a journal paper that said ~40% of actively practising Christian men have a low sex drive. That was a few years ago, but wouldn't surprise me. There's also quite a lot of shame around sex and the way it's presented to people pre-marriage in quite a lot of conservative religious communities, so it's not surprising if there are some learned and conditioned issues there.

Your story is virtually identical to one my only strongly Christian friend told me - they were both virgins, waited until marriage for sex and were then surprised it wasn't instantly magical, but was, frankly, disappointing, and continued that way for months until they took the time to educate themselves and actively work on it.

The myth is that sex is "natural", so people are "naturally" good at it. They're not. Lots of non-religious people are also rubbish at sex (or just clueless, or sometimes selfish), and a decent proportion of straight men feel insulted or upset by any insinuation that they're not effortlessly brilliant in bed (judging by the many posts on the internet and in women's magazines etc generally about unsatisfying sex!)

Sex can be that good. It can be amazing. It can be intimate and tender and ecstatic, transcendental and connecting and delightful and all of the wonderful things.

It can also be boring, perfunctory, disconnecting, resentment-inducing, painful, traumatic or unfortunately worse for some people in some abusive or violent situations.

You need to learn to be good at sex, and a lot of that is communication, practice, being willing to talk about it, try new things to see what you like, being curious about your self and your partner, wanting to play and explore with your partner, and being open to giving feedback about what your like, and receiving feedback about what your partner likes. All of those apply equally for your partner, of course.

And (although probably less relevant in your case), to remember that everyone is an individual with their own tastes, likes and preferences, so any person who says "but my last partner loved it" is someone I would tend to look hard at and avoid if any other red or amber flags, because what any other person likes is completely irrelevant.

So no, you're not at all unreasonable to be disappointed.

In the good news, there are plenty of ways, if he and you choose to, that you probably could develop a satisfying sex life with your husband. But you'd need to talk about it and you'd both need to be open to it, which might be difficult if there are shame issues in place due to religious influence.

If you want to work on it there are lots of sex manuals etc you could buy and work through together (I would strongly avoid any religious-based ones, they tend, in my experience, to have deeply unhelpful opinions and viewpoints, often very regressive and quite misogynist, as the books are often written by conservative men).

You could also consider sex therapy. COSRT is the professional body for sex and relationship therapists, so checking out their register would help you find someone reputable and well trained if that's a route you might want to go down.

Hopefully one or some of the above might be helpful.

But ultimately if he isn't willing to engage with any of that or work on it with you, then you might have to decide how important it is to you, and whether a lifetime of disappointing sex and not feeling desired is something you want to continue to live with.

annaT2122 · 16/12/2023 19:44

Missfelinemoo · 16/12/2023 19:00

I hate that people say everyone is sexually fluid. I couldn't think of anything worse than another woman's vagina. Some people are straight and some aren't. But not everyone is fluid. I hope op finds happiness because life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship.

@Missfelinemoo eeuuggghh another woman's vagina I would actually vomit. I'm definitely straight

WrylyAmused · 16/12/2023 19:45

@Tonto37
Replying to your post: You don't agree with me that the majority of people's sexuality is black and white, either 100% gay or straight fair enough...

I'm afraid the research doesn't agree with you either.

There are relatively few (self-reported) Kinsey 1s or 6s (totally straight or totally gay), and many many people have degrees of interest in both sexes, whether that's in fantasy only, or that they bring into reality. It's quite interesting research to read, if you care to look it up. Kinsey is quite old research, of course, but there's plenty of more modern studies you can look at as well.

It doesn't matter, of course - you may be very much at one end of the spectrum, and that's fine, as is every other position along it.