Sex with husband in a new marriage - I am disappointed and sad

[Gabrietta]

I wasn't quite sure where I could post this and thought I would try here.

I have been married for a year. I didn't have much sexual experience before I met my husband (I had some experience from previous relationships, but i came from a conservative Christian background and i always just about stopped myself from going 'all the way' due to a feeling that it was 'forbidden'. I did sleep with my husband before we married though').

I thought it would be amazing - because everyone says it is - but I feel disappointed by our sex together and quite sad.

My husband never looks at me naked. He hardly ever touches my body (I have hinted that caressing is nice, and occasionally he does it but I think it's more of an obligation when he does). I don't feel like he fancies my body that much.

I caress him though, and I say nice things about his body. I say I like seeing him naked. But he doesn't really reciprocate or ever imply I'm sexy (he does tell me he finds my face beautiful.... But i feel he says it like he's admiring a painting).

I think I've climaxed once since being married. I don't feel very desired and I don't look forward to sex.

It wasn't great before we married (though it was in the very earliest days), but I thought it would get better after getting married.

Is this experience normal? Is sex often disappointing? Is it bigged up to be something it isn't? Am I being reasonable to feel disappointed, or is this just how it gets?

Sorry if there's been too much info here.

I agree. I've had two husbands and while they were / are both lovely, the sex has been very low key and unexciting with both of them. Maybe it's me as well, since I'm not that bothered and am too embarrassed to say anything.

If this is important to you, read about it and suggest that he does too.

😂🤔 probably comfortability, trust, love, expectations - not everybody starts out with a heated passion that fizzles into nothingness upon marriage

I think in this case unfortunately you married the wrong person for what was fundamentally a sexual experiance if you grew up in a religious cult enviroment that prioritised sex through marriage & you'd not had sort of relationship before but met somebody you genuinely like its a bit of a downward spiral

& unless he's willing to change (are you still involved in the church as they usually try & fix things like this quite quickly ?) It will be something that chips away at your confidence & happiness long term so you need to really lay it on him

@Gabrietta
I think 🤔 if he was brought up in ultra Conservative Christian culture he maybe proberly feels insecure and arkward shy lack of knowledge around the idea of sex and intimacy foreplay of how to participate with that and the reasons why it's essential to do this,

because its been such forbidden fruit off limits for so long,
plus maybe confusion of idea of chastity , marriage sex love making, cause of the way he was brought up,

Obviously he could be gay or even Bi,

Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus have written some books about sex for Christian wives. Intimate Issues and Intimacy Ignited. Years ago, I participated in a Bible study at church using these books. My DH and I were both inexperienced from conservative Christian backgrounds, and these books helped us communicate better about sex, be more vocal about what we liked/didn’t like and ultimately greatly improved our sex life.

Sex can be wonderful but it takes a combination of confidence, willingness to learn about your partners needs and preferences, sexual attraction and most importantly communication. Have you actually had a proper conversation? Like sat down, told him how you feel and mentioned things you want him to do?

Sounds like there’s limited foreplay, and your husband is making minimal effort for your pleasure. Speak to him, be honest

Is it bigged up to be something it isn’t? Yes.

Is it amazing? Also yes.

The thing with sex is it’s not just about the action of penis in vagina. ESPECIALLY for women. It’s about where you are mentally, it’s about a raw and chemical attraction to your partner, it’s about both partners being on the same sexual wavelength and it’s about understanding what each other likes.

Sex can be mechanical and unsatisfying, or it can be amazing and all consuming.

The chances of coming across that person who matches you with no sexual experience on either end and a warped view of sex instilled in you both via religion is very low.

Do you find him so attractive that you can’t keep your hands off him? Do you crave him sexually? If not then even teaching him what to do for you won’t end in mind blowing sex, but it might at least make it a bit more enjoyable.

If he’s not interested then there’s probably not much you can do, he needs to be into it for you to feel desired, it makes a massive difference.

Actually, that was my first assumption about OP.

When you say you occasionally hint at wanting to be caressed, what is it that you say? “Oh, it’s nice when you touch me” or “I love it when you run your nails lightly over my thighs, it’s such a turn on.”

as in: does he know specifically what you like or are you hoping he will pick up on vague hints?

I also think he’s gay. I’ve been in a very similar situation (6 year relationship but not married) and he turned out to be gay. He was also from a Christian background and his dad was a pastor, but he did not involve himself in the church. I put it down to inexperience for both of us, but there were signs in hindsight.

Big assumption by some that he is gay, of course possible
He sounds incredibly inexperienced as obviously are you although you have some idea of what you want.

Yes maybe doing some reading and joint experimentation. My first time happened some time after we met although we had been a little heated. I didn't want to rush to see, especially my first time. We had a weekend away but he very much led me as he was definitely very experienced I was relaxed, and he said to just let him do things, relax and enjoy. OMG he did the most amazing oral sex that made me orgasm like never. The good feeling and being relaxed just made me really want to try things and reciprocate for him which was a learning curve for me.

The following morning he had a gentle wake up to me giving him oral sex and going all the way. That weekend led to some really happy times, but the key is doing together, relaxing and just trying things

I’ve had sex with around 50 men. It was amazing with about 10 of them, 4 the very first time and most times after that. 6 we had to work at it. About 10 I worked at it and it didn’t get better (but we weren’t married). So 4 out of 50 were great without any work. 6 out of 16 were great with work. 30 out of 50 weren’t great off the bat and I didn’t bother trying to find out if it could be.

I think the 6 out of 16 is probably the most relevant statistic out of that (as far as a completely different woman’s poorly remembered experience can be relevant to your own). It’s not the best odds but it’s not terrible. We didn’t have the incentive of being married (I’m a little curious why you married someone when the sex wasn’t great but it bothers you enough to post on an anonymous Internet forum - did you really want to marry this man or did he just fit well culturally with the ideal of a husband you’d been brought up with?), though and I think that ay be significant in terms of giving you both an incentive to change rather than walk away.

Why have you only climaxed once since you married? Is it the same for him or are you making sex be about his orgasm and once that’s achieved it’s all over? Have you tried saying something as simple as “What about me?” Or “Could you rub my clit a little more?” Or “I’ll go down on you after you’ve gone down on me?” Because, honestly, I’ve found that the best way to get men to make you feel good in bed is to be really direct about what you want them to do.

Be good to them too. One thing that I think our culture fails to show case well is that men like to be desired. Not just seen as a stud, but to actually feel like you want to have sex with them. That looking at them makes you want to have sex with them.

But don’t fake it. If things aren’t working between you sexually and you try but it’s never great and you don’t feel it, even though your background might make this feel wrong, divorce. Go off and find someone you’re really compatible with. Because it eats away at you and eventually, even when the rest of you is doing well, there’s a corner missing. Sometimes it’s a very big corner and you only have one life, you won’t be able to fill it in another time.

A very similar situation here and happy to chat.

Lack of sexual experience is not necessarily an insurmountable problem but do you find him attractive? Not do you want to care for him and be a good wife (as your religious background may have steered you in the direction of) but do you feel passion for him?

I loved my husband but didn’t fancy him. Our largely sexless marriage lasted 20 years before I called time on it. I wouldn’t recommend this at all.

I think you’re really wise and very brave to be seeking help and support this early on.

Sex with my darling DP is the warmest, cosiest, deepest cuddle we can have. It’s touching, stroking, kissing necks and backs and bottoms, licking, laughing, putting my cold hands on his bits to warm them up or him resting them on my cold leg entwined with his (he had no idea he liked this coolness, sixties when we met and I run cold lol), more stroking…the penis in vagina is amazing within all of that; all the connection.

I was married in my twenties, were both fit so it could have been technically done well every time, but it always left me a tad deflated and objectified. Now, decades later, DP are I are truly blessed to have each other and every single thing in bed is lovemaking and I feel cherished and beautiful and loved for me, in and out of the bedroom. We talk about any worries straight away, we’ve always felt safe to, emotionally.

Talk. Read books for knowledge. Talk. Laugh and kiss without expectation just joy.

Probably agree with all of this. DH has techniques and had experience when we got together. But what makes him great in bed is that he loves pleasing me and giving me pleasure. If a man doesn't have the drive to please and satisfy his female partner, all the moves in the world won't make him good in bed.

I don't think he's gay, I think it's far more likely that he is also inexperienced and/or nervous.

My DH was a virgin when we met and is a shy and quiet man. The sex wasn't brilliant to start with but he was such a lovely person I wanted to be with him. We have been together for 12 years now and sex has undoubtedly got better. We have great sex now!

The key thing has been that we've discussed it together, even if sometimes that conversation has felt a bit embarrassing it's not something we've shied away from. I've told him exactly what I like and what I want and vice versa and we've been willing to try new things. I had never climaxed from penetrative sex before with any other partner but have learned how to with DH and what works for me.

If you and your DH can have an open, honest line of communication with one another and a willingness to try things out.....perhaps get things wrong but keep experimenting and giving things a go then things should improve.

In the meantime, get a bullet vibrator!

He might be asexual.
Time for a frank conversation where you ask him if he feels any sexual desire for you, and if he does but feels guilty or embarrassed, I’m sure there is counselling for that?

I agree. I've had two husbands and while they were / are both lovely, the sex has been very low key and unexciting with both of them. Maybe it's me as well, since I'm not that bothered and am too embarrassed to say anything.

Sorry, but it's not a statistically relevant sample. My number isn't statistically relevant either, but I have found sex to be hugely variable depending on who it's with. It ranges from 'meh, don't get the fuss' to 'oh-my-god that's what people rave about'. It can improve as you get to know each other but only if you both want it to change and are prepared to try stuff that works for you. If one of you is stuck in a Christian model of sex, that it's about procreation and male pleasure, then it's going to be extremely difficult to change that.

You need to talk to him OP and if he won't talk about this, I don't fancy your chances. OTOH if he will talk about it and is open to suggestions, it could become great over time.

I am someone who thought sex was overrated till my mid 40s. I genuinely thought all the women’s magazines were lying about sex. It wasn’t really till I came in Mumsnet that so realised some women genuinely enjoy sex.

I always thought it was odd, as I craved sex a lot but then it was always disappointing. Mid 40s a met a guy who was just utterly fantastic in bed. Had three happy years of brilliant sex. Sadly, he turned out to be an utter bastard.

i think I never enjoyed sex before due to

1. The pill. I now know it can thin the vaginal walls and effect lubrication and it definitely did that to me. It can also shrink the clitoris and it definitely did that to me. Very angry I was not told about this!
2. most men are shit in bed.

i doubt sex will improve with your H. People are into the sensual side of sex or they aren’t. Yours isn’t. Like the first reply here, I also wondered if your H is gay. From your description, he doesn’t seem attracted to women’s bodies. That’s not normal for a straight man.

You need to work out why it's this way as how to deal with it will differ.

If it's lack of confidence/inexperienced Pay for OMGyes.com. Work through it together, discuss experiment and play. If he's still crap afterwards he may just be a selfish lover and you the decide if you can live with that or not. actually just do omgyes anyway five star review from me lol.

Maybe he has a mental block. If you can get him to talk to you about his feelings I'd give him time if he's had a life of learning sex is bad out of marriage. I was raised that sex out of marriage is bad, masturbation is wrong, public displays of affection unacceptable etc etc. I've seen my parents kiss once and it was a peck. Took me ages to get the hang of sex because your head won't shut up that what you are doing is disgusting and wrong- getting married isn't a switch to turn a lifetime of thinking that way off.

Of course some men are just selfish and don't care if you like it as long as they get their jollies off. You are married so stuck may be his thinking. My 'Christian' ex saw women as subservient to men as did most of the church maybe your partner has a similar view? I have a new church now not all Christians are like that

I think this is worth repeating.

It’s a very difficult mind-shift from “sex is bad and sinful and nice people don’t” to “oh but if you’re married it’s amazing and wonderful and special”. When you have the former resounding in your head all the time, it’s quite difficult to switch to the latter.

came here to say exactly this. Sounds 100% gay. It’s extremely common for men to masquerade as straight.

100% of my gay friends tell me it’s “straight” men with wives and often kids that reach out on dating apps/hit on them the most.

and, excuse the bluntness, this is why you should “try before you buy”. And sample a lot!

I thought it would get better after getting married.

Where is the logic here?? 😵‍💫 it can get better (marriage or not) if you both try but he doesn’t sound very aware/invested.

exactly

I am wondering how old the op is and / or whether there are any additional needs

Oh gawd you are both sexually immature and shy with eachother. He doesn't know the boundaries with you. Tell him what you would like to do and what you like. Explore together. Also the man doesn't have to take lead, you might have to lead him for a bit.