Sex with husband in a new marriage - I am disappointed and sad

[Gabrietta]

I wasn't quite sure where I could post this and thought I would try here.

I have been married for a year. I didn't have much sexual experience before I met my husband (I had some experience from previous relationships, but i came from a conservative Christian background and i always just about stopped myself from going 'all the way' due to a feeling that it was 'forbidden'. I did sleep with my husband before we married though').

I thought it would be amazing - because everyone says it is - but I feel disappointed by our sex together and quite sad.

My husband never looks at me naked. He hardly ever touches my body (I have hinted that caressing is nice, and occasionally he does it but I think it's more of an obligation when he does). I don't feel like he fancies my body that much.

I caress him though, and I say nice things about his body. I say I like seeing him naked. But he doesn't really reciprocate or ever imply I'm sexy (he does tell me he finds my face beautiful.... But i feel he says it like he's admiring a painting).

I think I've climaxed once since being married. I don't feel very desired and I don't look forward to sex.

It wasn't great before we married (though it was in the very earliest days), but I thought it would get better after getting married.

Is this experience normal? Is sex often disappointing? Is it bigged up to be something it isn't? Am I being reasonable to feel disappointed, or is this just how it gets?

Sorry if there's been too much info here.

@WrylyAmused Surveys in Western cultures find, on average, that about 93% of men and 87% of women identify as completely heterosexual, 4% of men and 10% of women as mostly heterosexual, 0.5% of men and 1% of women as evenly bisexual, 0.5% of men and 0.5% of women as mostly homosexual, and 2% of men and 0.5% of women as completely homosexual.

The above is according to a 2016 study from university's in the USA.
The VAST majority. Not much 'fluidity' going on there as I suspected. But you are absolutely right it's fine to be anywhere on the spectrum.

I think that it would be a good idea for you both to educate yourselves and increase your sexual confidence. There are lots of great books. I recommend:
The Guide to getting it on,
Paul joannides
Becoming Cliterate ,
Laurie mintz
Becoming Orgasmic
Julia Heiman

If that does not help and you want to stay together, you'll need sex therapy.

@Tonto37
Share the study link?

Also those figures seem very low, because in UK data, for example, the figure is about 8% population identifying homosexual, and has been stable at around that for years.

Curious because there's a significant difference between studies where people are asked "what sexuality do you identify as?", which do tend to give more polarised and fixed views, (and likely more so in the USA, which is typically much more religious than the UK), possibly because of social conditioning, possible stigma etc, and studies where people are asked about their sexual fantasies and behaviours, which generally show a lot more ambivalence and variability in sexual preferences, thoughts and behaviours than the former type.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demographics_of_sexual_orientation
If you click on the first reference it takes you to the study

But any given person is more likely to be pairtially heteosexual or bi than totally gay.

This is so untrue! It is the case for some men certainly, but you cannot make such massive generalisations. If he us from a similar background to op, he may also be very sexually repressed and simply unable to get into his body and let go. This is entirely fixable with two willing parties.

Thanks so much everyone for the kind replies - I've read through them all.

To answer some of the questions - he is 39, I'm 33. He is from a Catholic background. He says he has had sexual relationships before me, but that his experience has been fairly limited.

I'm disappointed more by the fact that he doesn't seem to find my body attractive than that I have only climaxed once.

Thanks for the advice that we should have an open conversation.

I worry that if I tell him that I feel like he doesn't fancy me, he will act as if he does just to reassure me, and it won't be genuine.

I think he needs to not just say that he finds you attractive, but also when in bed and touching, caressing you is to compliment your body. I always find that lovely and without being TMI, mine always loves holding my boobs when cuddling behind and saying how much he loves them and holding them etc

I agree, there was a thread on here a while back - a woman was saying her world was rocked by the revelation that her husband said the only true love he ever had in his life was the ex back in his native country and if said woman ever got sick and it was a choice between wife and his ex it would be her. The reason he never married the ex was because she never wanted to move to the UK if I remember correctly. Many of us said at the time he deliberately concealed this from her until he’d married and had kids with her.
I think getting a British passport and securing his residency was a significant motivating factor for the man in that case although of course he didn’t tell her that. Truth is some people are just incredibly selfish whether gay or straight.

Thanks for the advice that we should have an open conversation.

I worry that if I tell him that I feel like he doesn't fancy me, he will act as if he does just to reassure me, and it won't be genuine.

This seems wise @Gabrietta i also wanted to add I know plenty of men & women who were virgins until they found the one they later married or even waited for after marriage and they have flourishing sex lives. And there’s plenty of people on here who have had multiple partners that write threads about sexless marriage.

It’s all very complicated but the important thing is to communicate how you feel but I appreciate that you don’t want it to be a case of he has to force it after the conversation.

I honestly think it may not even be you and he’s just someone for whatever reason doesn’t get that excited about sex. They will do it and that’s about it. It just be the way they’re like but also it can be to do with having repressed emotions and being uncomfortable around intimacy in general. And I’m not using intimacy as a substitute word for sex here.

Perhaps some marriage or relationship counselling might help depending on if things don’t improve or you feel he isn’t being genuine after your chat.

It has also always been the case that many straight men and boys will turn to men for sex where no women are available - prisons and boarding schools being the prime example.

I think you need to correct this part of your post, urgently.

The part I'm referring to is "and boys .. will turn to men for sex".

Did you mean to say "men will turn to men and boys will turn to boys"?

I'm disappointed more by the fact that he doesn't seem to find my body attractive

It may be simplistic to say this but honestly ... IMHO this can only mean he is not attracted to females or he is not attracted to you.

I've never been in a relationship or situationship with a man who did not want to touch my body/show obvious attraction to my body.

I worry that if I tell him that I feel like he doesn't fancy me, he will act as if he does just to reassure me, and it won't be genuine.

Do you ever notice him eyeing you up, OP? Because IME whatever cultural conditioning is going on that might prevent someone from openly expressing their attraction, it rarely stops them looking, even if that is quite furtive.

I think maybe you both, together and separately, need to talk this through with a therapist who specialises in this. A Catholic Christian background is going to be one of the worst ones for giving people sexual hangups. It could be changed, but it's going to need work and open and honest talk on both sides. But just to reiterate, you don't need to just accept that your sex life is poor. It needn't be - sex can be amazing and life-affirming, with the right person at the right time. It can also be a bit shit, but you don't have to put up with that and you shouldn't.

Honestly end your marriage. Life is far too short to spend your life having sex this terrible.

@Gabrietta, don't underestimate the catholic aspect of this issue. Catholic guilt is not a throwaway statement to be used lightly. Maybe couples counselling from someone experienced with this could help the relationship a lot.

Hi OP.

DW and I are both from conservative Christian backgrounds and DW was educated in a convent school.

We have great sex. Really great, and within some very strict monogamous bounds we get up to all manner of things that none of our friends would ever guess at. It's our secret.

But it took time. Lots of time. I think what was against us was the difficulty of making the mental transition from containing our sexual desires to going for gold, ie releasing the mental brakes. What is in our favour was seeing sex as a sacramental gift we give each other.

It took a lot of work but we got there.

You aren't compatible with him. Why did you think that would change with marriage?

Thanks again for the comments. After reading them, I did bring it up with him. Last week I told him I often feel like he doesn't find my body physically attractive, because he doesn't say anything nice after I compliment him.

He tried to reassure me that he does find my body attractive, but just doesn't always say it. But since then, it's the same as how it was.

Recently when we were in bed, he wasn't removing my bra (as usual) and I was feeling a bit annoyed and said 'you can take it off you know' (I said it in a neutral way and I don't think I sounded annoyed).

Then he said 'and so can you!'. I.e. you can take it off yourself.

I just felt rubbish after this. Is that understandable?

If it started off great, what has changed?

It sounds like you both need to communicate better. Talk with him when you are not being intimate and tell him what you want. “DH, it turns me on when you compliment my body while you are undressing me in bed. Will you do that tonight?” Ask him what he wants too.

The bra thing could be a misunderstanding. Maybe to him you sounded annoyed. Maybe he wanted to watch you undress. This is why it is so important to communicate. Sometimes my DH likes the way my breasts look in my bra and he wants me to keep it on. Sometimes he wants to watch me take it off and sometimes he wants to take it off. Sometimes it’s me with a preference. We tell each other.

I think you need to find out more information from him OP, to determine whether he's not interested in sex generally or sex with you, and why. Is he happy with the sex he's currently having with you? What about before? And how does he respond when you say you're not happy, that you don't feel desired and are not having orgasms? If he wants you both to enjoy it and is able to be honest about any issues affecting his sexual desire then you can work on it together. If he doesn't answer your questions honestly, provides vague platitudes that don't align with his actions, or sees no problem with your current sex life, then he doesn't care about your pleasure, and in that case I think you should leave. Like any issue in a marriage, sex requires honest and respectful communication.

In a relatively new marriage I'm afraid there are greater things wrong from what you describe here. Even if he was not in the mood, a loving husband would at least remove your bra and even cuddle up.

I'm afraid the long term outlook is t great. Listen to your inner senses

I always take my own bra off! Never occurred to me to expect him to. I'm mortified

I'm not sure about the bra thing. I can imagine my partner leaving it on if I didn't take it off, because I am sure he would be turned on by my body either in the bra or out of it. He might think I've left it on because I wanted to, it doesn't bother him either way, so nothing is said or done.

If you want your bra off, take it off. If you want him to take it off, invite him to take it off (which will be an awkward fiddly few minutes the first few hundred times because he won't know how to do it).

If I were in your shoes and the rest of the relationship was fine, I'd ask my new husband to spend a while day in bed with me naked. No pressure for anything particular to happen, just nakedness and time together. You could watch a film together, eat there together (picnic in bed!), talk together ..... get used to being naked in front of each other and seeing each other's bodies. See where it goes. The next step up might be to talk about spending an hour touching the other person with no return. You spend an hour holding his hands, kissing him, kissing his body, touching and exploring his whole body, while he just enjoys it. Then swap (either the same day or another day). Take the time to enjoy the touch of the other person without feeling like you should be "giving" as much as you're "getting". See what happens.

I guess just like you spend your remarriage days getting used to how your partner is when he is happy, sad, ill, angry, stressed etc, now is the time for spending time getting used to your husband when he is naked. And visa versa.

I had a religious marriage for over a decade, and the sex was crap but I thought that's how it was. My ex basically told me that I had something wrong with me if I didn't like it, and I believed him & thought I had some problem that stopped me from enjoying sex (sex was still compulsory).
Post marriage, wow have I made some exciting discoveries! And it turns out sex is great....mind blowing....with a compatible partner :-)
Don't wait over a decade to figure this out.