Sex with husband in a new marriage - I am disappointed and sad

[Gabrietta]

I wasn't quite sure where I could post this and thought I would try here.

I have been married for a year. I didn't have much sexual experience before I met my husband (I had some experience from previous relationships, but i came from a conservative Christian background and i always just about stopped myself from going 'all the way' due to a feeling that it was 'forbidden'. I did sleep with my husband before we married though').

I thought it would be amazing - because everyone says it is - but I feel disappointed by our sex together and quite sad.

My husband never looks at me naked. He hardly ever touches my body (I have hinted that caressing is nice, and occasionally he does it but I think it's more of an obligation when he does). I don't feel like he fancies my body that much.

I caress him though, and I say nice things about his body. I say I like seeing him naked. But he doesn't really reciprocate or ever imply I'm sexy (he does tell me he finds my face beautiful.... But i feel he says it like he's admiring a painting).

I think I've climaxed once since being married. I don't feel very desired and I don't look forward to sex.

It wasn't great before we married (though it was in the very earliest days), but I thought it would get better after getting married.

Is this experience normal? Is sex often disappointing? Is it bigged up to be something it isn't? Am I being reasonable to feel disappointed, or is this just how it gets?

Sorry if there's been too much info here.

I love how quickly people started talking about porn addition, death grip, or being gay (when the comparable porn addition, being lesbian, or massive dildo use are never mentioned with 'asexual' women).

Talk to him. It's that simple. Ask him what frequency he'd want, whether he enjoys it, and what he wants from it.

It could just be he married for personality over attraction.

Does he go down on you?

Because she seems interested in good sex with him, but he can’t bring himself to look at her or barely touch her body. Straight men tend to like looking at and touching women’s bodies.

Because if he is a conservative Christian he’s quite likely to be in denial about being gay.

It’s not exactly an ‘out there’ suggestion that he’s gay.

LOL. This is very naive.

It has always been the case that closeted gay men have been known to marry women, and had children, despite being attracted to men. I can think of umpteen famous examples.

It has also always been the case that many straight men and boys will turn to men for sex where no women are available - prisons and boarding schools being the prime example.

Coming from a Christian background, I suspect this is more of an issue of the way he was brought up. If you've been instilled with the importance of purity your whole life you can't just switch it off the moment you say I do. It has taken years to build up to the belief that sex is somehow wrong or dirty (outside of marriage) and now its "ok" its going to be difficult to let loose and enjoy it.

Eg. Imagine your whole life you were told that eating chocolate before age 30 was against God but it was delicious. Then, on your 30th birthday you finally get given chocolate. You take a bite hesitantly, having waited it for it for 30 years. Of course it's going to be a bit of a disappointment because you were expecting it to be life changing and incredible. Not only that, but all the years of wanting it and waiting will have instilled in you a guilt that you are somehow doing something 'wrong" even though you're now 30 and its "ok".

You need to talk to him. You married this man and you should be able to communicate and talk about these things- it's so, so important. None of this is a diss against religion btw, I have a strong faith but I do believe the way the church handles sex and relationships isn't great. So much is forbidden and taboo and not spoken about other than in terms of condemnation that when you finally get it, and it's legitimised you're kind of left to just "deal with it" and so of course, its flipping disappointing.

Seriously. Don't forget the armed forces.

Also maybe chat to a crossdressing sex worker some time. The clientele for "chicks with dicks" are all straight (or "straight", if you must) men.

Hes either shy and inexperienced or gay.

@10HailMarys I'm always surprised when I hear of the famous examples. I don't know how they do it. As a straight woman, the thought of going down on a woman eeeuuggh. Nothing would change me.

This is naive. There is a whole human history of gay men having children with women.

And he’s not that great an actor as he isn’t appearing to be that attracted to OP sexually.

Those of you saying ‘ I don’t know where you got he’s gay from’ have clearly spent no time in evangelical churches. Gay men and women hiding in straight marriages is not that rare there.
These churches are where the rest of society was 60 years ago.

He might not be gay. But it’s definitely reasonable to suggest this as a possible explanation for his behaviour. ( assuming he is also a conservative Christian).

@Tonto37 even Oscar Wilde fathered two sons with his wife.

Because all men are either rampant or gay?

Talk about toxic masculinity. And I have spent plenty of time in Evangelical circles. Though left since

@Iknowsomeonesimilar
@SylvieLaufeydottir
@10HailMarys

I know it happens on and there is a history of it, the examples you mentioned. But does it not surprise you? If you are straight, sorry if I'm making that assumption. But would you be able to go to bed with a woman and be able to act not disgusted by it? As a straight guy I'd be showing distress.

So it's not naivety that i don't know it goes on. I just don't know how people get themselves in the mindset to do something that is so unnatural to them. (For someone gay, straight sex is unnatural and vice versa.)

Like this subject really blows my mind. It was the same when I heard about Schofield.

How is your marriage apart from sex? Do you have fun together? Enjoy each others company and good communication? Do you have money worries or other stresses? Talking to him about how you feel and any worries is your best way forward. I would definitely try to find time to explore and enjoy your own body, so you know what you like. Years ago women used to joke about fantasising about George Clooney to get them there, perhaps you could imagine some scenarios you could think of during sex? The more excited you are the more he is likely to respond to this and the more you see yourself as a sexy strong woman then the more likely he is to see that you are too.

I know. It blows my mind! See post above.@MrsJellybee

My point exactly!

It sounds like you are both inexperienced and shy. Don't expect it to be amazing straightaway. Take time to enjoy the touch, connection etc. Does he know how to make you climax? If not, that is your first focus. It is important that he wants you to orgasm each/most time by whatever means. Just keep going! Sex is better over time as you learn more about how to press each others buttons. Good luck!

But does it not surprise you? If you are straight, sorry if I'm making that assumption.

Well, I'm bi, so no. But even if I weren't... No. Human sexuality is a lot more complex and subtle and weird than you're giving it credit for.

If you are bi obviously it changes your perspective on the question. But I agree about your point and complexity and how subtle it can be. For me it's so black and white I find the opposite both fascinating and surprising. The fact that I know it happens and there have been famous examples doesn't change that.

For me it's so black and white I find the opposite both fascinating and surprising. The fact that I know it happens and there have been famous examples doesn't change that

It honestly surprises me too. Not because I can't get the concept of hiding your sexuality (out of fear for example) because I absolutely can, but every gay man I've ever known (and I live in the LGBTQ capital of the UK so know a lot) has always been very squeamish about female parts and I know 100% they'd never find a woman sexually attractive because they've told me this on many occasions. Equally, being single is quite common now, even within the church, so it confuses me why someone would marry a person they have zero attraction to, rather than just remain single and not have to engage in sexual activities that they truly don't want to. Maybe that's naive of me, but I'd rather stay alone (and pleasure myself) than "force" myself to have sex with someone I really don't want to touch in a sexual way.

You have to work and put effort into have a good sex life

@ripplingwater thanks for elaborating on my point, you made it well.

I don't know how they do it, but they do it. I feel sorry to them and their partners .

rather than just remain single and not have to engage in sexual activities that they truly don't want to

Because they are in denial?
Because they are hoping to ‘become’ straight with enough prayer and effort?
Because they want the loving companionship most people crave?
Because they want the children and family and belonging many people crave?

Its not that hard to imagine why.

@Gabrietta

He sounds like in regards of love making , he is like someone who,
as out of step as someone dancing like a cardboard or robotic style stepping on some ones toes at local discotheque,

Btw, women are also famous for going same-sex in all female environments, most notoriously women's prisons. Many, many "straight" female prisoners have sexual relationships inside. Most go back to men on release (but not all).

Probably not a helpful comment but this is why people DO have various sexual relationships before marriage and also get to know their partners really well first.

It sounds like your DH has some issues.