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Original poster

Do I want to marry a former priest?

238 replies

jotex · 15/12/2023 14:16

I know, I know, only I can answer that, would appreciate some advice from MNers.

I moved to a European city in 2020 (pre-Covid) for my Masters. In September of the same year I met a guy; smart, funny and very handsome…but also a Catholic priest. We met at an event for English people living here, hit it off straight away and ended up kissing that night. (Nothing too raunchy but he was in his priestly getup, so it was different). We kept in touch and started seeing each other for coffee, museums, shows etc. Basically dates without actually calling them dates!

Fast forward to the following year and he announces that he is leaving the priesthood. We started officially dating not long after this but he maintained and still maintains that he didn’t leave for me. He was able to walk into a great career almost right away, doing the exact same thing he did previously when he was a priest, in the same city.

Fast forward some more, things get more serious between us, we start to meet each others families, friends etc and eventually move in with each other in August of last year (still in the same city).

We recently started talking about moving back home and settling down. In my mind this is a pretty big step in the relationship. I love him, he ticks all the right boxes for me and we’re on the same page in many respects but with this potential plan on the horizon I’m starting to think some more (and don’t know if I’m overthinking).

He has basically lived his entire adult like in an institution/seminary, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc (he’s 36 fwiw, I’m 28). Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups. I’m not sex goddess but 99% of the time it’s just doggy, missionary and CIV (in that order). Also while no longer a practicing priest he is still legally (in the eyes of the church) a priest, and still has a long legal process to deal with, but it’s all internal church politics and not really a problem at all, my anxiety just doesn’t let me accept that.

The thing that’s really been on my mind lately is his being so adamant that he didn’t leave the priesthood for me. Within three weeks of him leaving we were official. Now I’m wondering what’ll stop him from doing the same with me down the line after we’ve settled down, had kids etc. Have genuinely never thought of this before now and don’t really know where it’s come from except for anxiety etc.

We’re still a long way off marriage, but things are going in that direction. I do really love him, but I don’t know if I’m seeing the full picture.

any advice!? Do I listen to these little things nagging at me, or how do I ignore them?

thanks MN!

OP posts:
WitcheryDivine · 15/12/2023 14:20

Blimey, well I'd probably be a bit worried that he'd been so willing to drop a lifelong commitment (and supposed vocation) on the very night you met, and would bet that he'd at least kissed other women before. What does he say about that? And about why he left?

Favouritefruits · 15/12/2023 14:21

Well I wouldn’t but my judgement is clouded, my friend married a rector and it’s very much about HIM, he’s the head of the family it’s him and him alone that makes all decisions, the children only have second hand things…..

make sure all your views on everything aline and don’t forget what’s been said! On the whole sex thing that wouldn’t bother me, sex is usually better when there’s no feelings involved but that’s just my thinking

Olika · 15/12/2023 14:23

'He has basically lived his entire adult like in an institution/seminary, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc (he’s 36 fwiw, I’m 28). Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups. I’m not sex goddess but 99% of the time it’s just doggy, missionary and CIV (in that order).'

^ you must want more from your life partner?

PubicZirconia · 15/12/2023 14:24

How does he tick the boxes if he's emotionally cold and the sex is off?

Good sex I'm sure could be resolved with effort but I wouldnt be able to settle down with someone emotionally cold,unless you are the same way inclined?

That would be deal breaker for me more than the rest.

ChaToilLeam · 15/12/2023 14:25

Are you sure you love him? You haven’t given a very appealing picture of him. Cold, boring sex, useless around the house. I’d be running a mile.

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 15/12/2023 14:26

I'd worry it was a sign of someone who gives up on stuff on a whim. Unless it wasn't a whim and he had done it before?

WhatsTheUseOfWorrying · 15/12/2023 14:26

He was able to walk into a great career almost right away, doing the exact same thing he did previously when he was a priest, in the same city.

I’m very curious about this. Are there many openings for church services, blessings, confession and other priestly stuff in the private sector?

Tufft · 15/12/2023 14:28

You have some key worries:

  • can he really commit?
  • will he step up domestically?
  • are we emotionally and sexually compatible?
Each of these is individually a big issue. If I were you I would take it slowly and work through these questions with a therapist or good friend (by yourself, not as a couple)
ALunchbox · 15/12/2023 14:28

You write about this very matter-of-factly. Was it intentional, i.e. were you trying to be as objective as possible, or does it reflect a lack of warmth on your behalf?

If you do genuinely like him, I don't think it would do any harm to start/carry on cohabiting and see how things go. I'd however have clear expectations about what needs to change and set myself a deadline.

PS. What is CIV?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2023 14:29

Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups.

Slam on the fucking brakes. Why are you even in a relationship with him, nevermind living together?

Hard, hard pass. You will massively regret staying with this man.

MrsJellybee · 15/12/2023 14:33

If CIV means what I think it means, please don’t get pregnant by this man yet (or at all). Make sure you are using watertight contraception.

Something feels off to you and you need to trust your instincts.

LoveToEatFood · 15/12/2023 14:37

Why would you want to spend your life with someone you say is emotionally very cold (not even cold, VERY cold), and who’s rubbish in bed? He also clearly has commitment issues. I’m reasonably sure becoming a catholic priest is a serious commitment, and he’s just yeeted it out of his life quicker than my dog can eat a dropped sausage (thats lightning fast if you weren’t sure) as soon as he met you. I’d be worried in years to come he would be blaming me for ruining his life. It’s irrelevant he says it wasn’t about you right now, you will become the reason if he decides he regrets his decision I’m sure.

Ortila · 15/12/2023 14:38

Doesn't sound like much of a catch.

Why are you with him?

FuckingHellAdele · 15/12/2023 14:39

Do I want to marry a former priest?

Well probably not this particular one, no.

FinallyHere · 15/12/2023 14:40

What is he like as a flat mate? Does he treat you as a sort of housekeeping, if, even unconsciously, leaving it to you as a female ?

How open is he to improving your sex life. Does he realise that it is a problem ? How open is he to doing something about it.

I'd put any other plans on hold until I knew for certain that he was capable of sorting these two areas out. What he does and how he goes about things is far more important than the actual fact of being a priest.

I'm guessing though that he isn't open to sorting these which is why you are asking, so I'd take that to be your gut telling you that this isn't going to get better.

Can you live with that ?

Original poster
jotex · 15/12/2023 14:40

So, without giving too much away, on the career thing, it’s not churchy at all. Completely secular.

Edit: thanks for the other replies! Not really sure what I was expecting from this but I’ll need a bit of time to think and reply.

OP posts:
Northsideoftheriver · 15/12/2023 14:41

It doesn't sound great.

CherryBlossom321 · 15/12/2023 14:42

“Emotionally he’s very cold. Sex is boring.”

Priest or not, that would be a nope.

AlisonWonderbra · 15/12/2023 14:42

I wouldn't marry anyone I had crap sex with, to be honest, but I know it isn't as important to some others.

Ortila · 15/12/2023 14:43

jotex · 15/12/2023 14:40

So, without giving too much away, on the career thing, it’s not churchy at all. Completely secular.

Edit: thanks for the other replies! Not really sure what I was expecting from this but I’ll need a bit of time to think and reply.

Edited

Medium?

Pallisers · 15/12/2023 14:45

He has basically lived his entire adult like in an institution/seminary, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc (he’s 36 fwiw, I’m 28). Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups.

I wouldn't marry him and it sounds like you don't want to either. Are you madly in love with him? you sound like you are not tbh.

Berlinlover · 15/12/2023 14:45

What’s CIV?

Pallisers · 15/12/2023 14:46

lots of priests worked as teachers/social workers/fundraisers so could walk into other jobs. I know someone who was just professed as a nun - she works as a lawyer specialising in immigration. if she left, she'd walk into another job too.

titchy · 15/12/2023 14:47

Sounds like bollocks to me. Catholic priests don't snog people they've only just met. Was he really a priest, do you have any evidence? Does he still believe, go to confession, mass?

Or perhaps you're scripting for Fleabag 2?

titchy · 15/12/2023 14:47

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