Do I want to marry a former priest?

[jotex]

I know, I know, only I can answer that, would appreciate some advice from MNers.

I moved to a European city in 2020 (pre-Covid) for my Masters. In September of the same year I met a guy; smart, funny and very handsome…but also a Catholic priest. We met at an event for English people living here, hit it off straight away and ended up kissing that night. (Nothing too raunchy but he was in his priestly getup, so it was different). We kept in touch and started seeing each other for coffee, museums, shows etc. Basically dates without actually calling them dates!

Fast forward to the following year and he announces that he is leaving the priesthood. We started officially dating not long after this but he maintained and still maintains that he didn’t leave for me. He was able to walk into a great career almost right away, doing the exact same thing he did previously when he was a priest, in the same city.

Fast forward some more, things get more serious between us, we start to meet each others families, friends etc and eventually move in with each other in August of last year (still in the same city).

We recently started talking about moving back home and settling down. In my mind this is a pretty big step in the relationship. I love him, he ticks all the right boxes for me and we’re on the same page in many respects but with this potential plan on the horizon I’m starting to think some more (and don’t know if I’m overthinking).

He has basically lived his entire adult like in an institution/seminary, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc (he’s 36 fwiw, I’m 28). Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups. I’m not sex goddess but 99% of the time it’s just doggy, missionary and CIV (in that order). Also while no longer a practicing priest he is still legally (in the eyes of the church) a priest, and still has a long legal process to deal with, but it’s all internal church politics and not really a problem at all, my anxiety just doesn’t let me accept that.

The thing that’s really been on my mind lately is his being so adamant that he didn’t leave the priesthood for me. Within three weeks of him leaving we were official. Now I’m wondering what’ll stop him from doing the same with me down the line after we’ve settled down, had kids etc. Have genuinely never thought of this before now and don’t really know where it’s come from except for anxiety etc.

We’re still a long way off marriage, but things are going in that direction. I do really love him, but I don’t know if I’m seeing the full picture.

any advice!? Do I listen to these little things nagging at me, or how do I ignore them?

thanks MN!

I imagine sex with a priest would be terrible! I assume that someone who wanted to be married to God, just probably isn't that interested in women - they also don't feature much in the Bible... unless one of your fantasies is being turned into a pillar of salt.

Has he said why he left the Priesthood, if it wasn't because of you there must be another reason, was it his choice to leave,

😆 🤣 😂 😆

Do you have to say grace before meals and does he expect you to kiss his ring?

The lack of ironing etc isn't a red herring. They moved in together in August of last year! It doesn't take long to learn, nor does cleaning. If he had any intention of doing so, he'd have done it already. But he chose not to.

So add that to your list: entrenched gender roles.
If you had children, you'd be doing it all. Maybe he'd 'help you' every now and then with reading with a story.

Is this the life you want?

A couple at church have been married about 30 years. He left tnepriesthood.

He is a miserable, cranky, obnoxious person, his poor wife eems so brittle, like the love of her life has her walking on eggshells.

I saw him about 2 months ago telling a woman with a disabled badge parked on the roadside on yellow lines for an emergency that he was going to report her to the police and the DVLA and get her badge removed. The charmer.

If he can cheat on God he will cheat on you. His behavior has been disgraceful. Kissing you the first time you met when he had another lifelong commitment? I think he was looking for an excuse to leave and you were handy. Red flags everywhere.

Are you both British and do both your families live in the UK?
What are his parents like, what's his relationship with them like and what about their relationship with each other?

"Emotionally cold", "lots of hang ups" and "boring sex" does not sound at all promising, unless he is motivated to work on all those things, which will mean a lot of therapy I think. And if someone is emotionally cold I don't know how fixable that is!

You've referred to your own anxiety more than once and I think it might be wise to think carefully about whether your anxiety is your gut instinct telling you that committing further to this relationship is a bad idea, or whether it's more general anxiety that you need to address.

Is it Austria?
Obviously you won't want to give away too much information but if it is, I'm not in the least bit surprised at his behaviour.
I was born and brought up in the UK, I'm a Catholic. I moved to Austria and it's a Catholic country. I was completely shocked at first at how open so many priests are about their relationships. The majority of priests are in relationships. The relationships are sort of open secrets. The "Pfarrköchin" (parish cook) is just another word for a live-in girlfriend.
The priest in the next village to me is single and a few people said things like "He's looking for a parish cook". Me, being completely naive and freshly arrived from the UK at that time, had no idea what they were getting at until I eventually asked a friend what it meant.
The other local priest had a long-term girlfriend. He said it was love at first sight.

They seem to do things differently here. They aren't that bothered about their celibacy vows, nor are the parishioners and other locals.
In 3 cases I know of, the priests then eventually left the priesthood when their girlfriends became pregnant.
I also know one who left the priesthood shortly after meeting a woman but he'd been struggling with the church and priesthood in general long before she came along. She was the catalyst. He and his wife are very happy now. He struggled with his mental health all the time until he left the church.

So it's possible he's used to this kind of thing from his colleagues. That said, there is something off about meeting you like that and then kissing on the very first evening. I think he should have held back a bit at first.
Then the dates and things - he probably saw nothing wrong in them.
He might have been struggling for a long time and meeting you has spurred him into action to leave.

Very long post, but in principal I don't think the fact he was a priest and gave it up is the major problem here. The legal stuff will be sorted out, it just takes time.
I'm starting another post about the major problem.

You might have been the catalyst for him leaving the priesthood, but I think you know the two of your aren't a man ch made in heaven.

He has behaved awfully- as a priest he has behaved exactly as a man married to a women having an affair. He shouldn't see it any differently. And why on earth is he having sex, with you before he's married? Can he really not control himself Basically you're the OW.

Anyway, none of that is as massive as him being emotionally cold. Why would you marry someone emotionally cold? I think you need to cut your losses now.

So, that he was a priest would not bother me at all. It did not bother you when you met, neither the fact that he left bothered you at the time it happened. So, not sure why you are worrying about it now?
What worries me of your post is that you find the sex boring. Now, so it has very few chances of getting any better in future.
You can try to teach him what you like. Otherwise, I would say he is not the one for you. Sorry.

Cathedral?

I'm a Catholic. What would worry me is that he not only left the priesthood (tbh I'm surprised anyone signs up for it) but seems to have very quickly completely thrown out a lot of the teachings of his faith - living with and having sex with someone he isn't married to. If he's lost his faith and left the church completely, this makes sense, but I would worry that if this is the case, he's making a lot of life changing decisions very quickly - in the same way as people are often advised not to make huge life changes after something like a major bereavement, he may benefit from some time and space (counselling as others have suggested) to work out what he really wants from life in the long term.

I had two uncles who left the priesthood (this goes back a long way to when catholic social teaching changes in the 60s). They both married and had families and were happy in their relationships as far as anyone could tell from the outside. But they met and married women after they had had some time finding a new space in the world, and they did remain in the church, so it's a bit different from your situation.

As in ... "The cock was RESTING in the vagina"?

Let's remove all the references to "priest" and look at it again.

OP: "Hi, I've met a man who is smart, funny and very handsome. We met at an event for English people living here, hit it off straight away and ended up kissing that night. We kept in touch and started seeing each other for coffee, museums, shows etc.
Fast forward some more.... (large chunks removed for brevity).
He has basically lived his entire adult life with his mum, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc (he’s 36 fwiw, I’m 28). Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups. I’m not sex goddess but 99% of the time it’s just doggy, missionary and CIV (in that order)."

Do you want to live the rest of your life with someone like that? Do you want to be doing all the household chores for the rest of your life and possibly bringing children into the mix and all the extra work that entails?
Do you want boring sex and emotional coldness forever more?

Priest thing is irrelevant quite frankly. It adds another dimension to it but your major problem is the above.

Just wanted to mention that someone upthread said if he's a Catholic he'll still abide by the no divorce thing. It's not the divorce that's the problem. It's the remarriage afterwards. If you married him and wanted to divorce him you could, it's irrelevant that he's Catholic. If you divorced him that would have no consequences for him as a layperson in the church, until he wanted to remarry. If he wanted to do that he would no longer be allowed to receive Communion unless he was able to get your marriage annulled.

Ignore all the priesty stuff.

You're sexually incompatible, surely that all by itself if enough of a reason not to spend the rest of your life with this guy?

@jotex - you say he ticks all your boxes. But in fact it sounds like he’s ticking very few important boxes and the refusal to wear a condom is unimpressive to say the least. You sound like you’re trying to talk yourself into being happy with him but he’s not sounding like a keeper, OP. He sounds like someone you would be rather unhappy with if you stayed together.

I’ve met someone who did something very similar. I would say run a mile. He was looking for something in the priesthood that he didn’t find. He will be looking for something in you that he won’t find. At best a dilettante, at worst a very emotionally disturbed individual.

I'm a Christian but I have laughed out loud at this! 😂😳

These days, it's pretty popular that men tend to ejaculate in other places...mouths, boobs, bums, backs, stomachs, faces...not to mention inside a condom. For a lot of it, we can thank porn. But some women enjoy being cummed upon in a variety of ways so hey ho.

However, I believe that's an absolute sin in the Catholic religion and that every sexual act is meant to result in a potential life so ejaculation can't intentionally happen elsewhere.

Mind you...I'd imagine that sex before marriage, living with a woman and abandoning the priestly vows (not to mention snogging someone while a priest) is all seen as pretty major sin wise so odd he's willing to overlook all of that but not CIV.

Eh?

Don you live together now?
So what you're saying is YOU'RE doing all his cooking and cleaning?

And he is also 'cold'. Why would you live someone who is cold? You know that's not healthy right?

I'm sorry but you already know he's not the one for you. And if he's been living with you over a year, having you run around like cook,maid and skiver- he's never going to start pulling his weight in the home. It has nothing to do with his past. He's a grown ass man who doesn't care for himself and isn't interested in learning.

Fuck that!

Priesthood has nothing to do with it.
Infact, it should have made him kind, compassionate and considerate of others. Instead, he's a lazy mysoginistic man child with a cold nature. Yeah,I believe he didn't leave for you. I bet he left because they sussed out what a leach he is.

Run!

I've only read page one but, based on that, I think you are right to be cautious.

I'm sure he did not leave the priesthood because of you and that is in his, and your, favour.

Voice your misgivings and give it at least a year or eighteen months before commitment. You'd probably do that even if he had not been a priest. He may shape up, he may not but he's probably a decent enough chap and deserves a chance. I think he will respect you for wanting to wait, it will be good for him to.

He will most likely still have a love for his religion and, though you don't have to espouse it, you need to be on the same page values-wise. The waiting time will be when you work that out.

Yours is not an unusual situation and many ex-priests become excellent husbands and fathers.

Nobody can predict the future but I wish you, and him, good fortune whatever happens. Do keep us up to date with how things are going. Be happy!

If he was great in bed and around the house I’d say go for it. But emotionally cold and crap in bed and rubbish at chores?

I can’t imagine what your boxes consist of that they’re all ticked.

It’s not the priest aspect that’s the problem - if you took that out of the picture there are still too many downsides.

Don't marry someone who has sec hang ups and is burning in bed?!! This alone would have me running for the hills.....