Do I want to marry a former priest?

[jotex]

I know, I know, only I can answer that, would appreciate some advice from MNers.

I moved to a European city in 2020 (pre-Covid) for my Masters. In September of the same year I met a guy; smart, funny and very handsome…but also a Catholic priest. We met at an event for English people living here, hit it off straight away and ended up kissing that night. (Nothing too raunchy but he was in his priestly getup, so it was different). We kept in touch and started seeing each other for coffee, museums, shows etc. Basically dates without actually calling them dates!

Fast forward to the following year and he announces that he is leaving the priesthood. We started officially dating not long after this but he maintained and still maintains that he didn’t leave for me. He was able to walk into a great career almost right away, doing the exact same thing he did previously when he was a priest, in the same city.

Fast forward some more, things get more serious between us, we start to meet each others families, friends etc and eventually move in with each other in August of last year (still in the same city).

We recently started talking about moving back home and settling down. In my mind this is a pretty big step in the relationship. I love him, he ticks all the right boxes for me and we’re on the same page in many respects but with this potential plan on the horizon I’m starting to think some more (and don’t know if I’m overthinking).

He has basically lived his entire adult like in an institution/seminary, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc (he’s 36 fwiw, I’m 28). Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups. I’m not sex goddess but 99% of the time it’s just doggy, missionary and CIV (in that order). Also while no longer a practicing priest he is still legally (in the eyes of the church) a priest, and still has a long legal process to deal with, but it’s all internal church politics and not really a problem at all, my anxiety just doesn’t let me accept that.

The thing that’s really been on my mind lately is his being so adamant that he didn’t leave the priesthood for me. Within three weeks of him leaving we were official. Now I’m wondering what’ll stop him from doing the same with me down the line after we’ve settled down, had kids etc. Have genuinely never thought of this before now and don’t really know where it’s come from except for anxiety etc.

We’re still a long way off marriage, but things are going in that direction. I do really love him, but I don’t know if I’m seeing the full picture.

any advice!? Do I listen to these little things nagging at me, or how do I ignore them?

thanks MN!

OP I think the issue here is you, not him. You have described someone you are not really happy with. Why on earth would you want to have a relationship with someone who is quite fundamentally not suitable for you? There are probably women who would be very happy with his approach to sex and who wouldn’t mind doing most of the housework (I am definitely not one of them). Why pick his shortcomings (in your eyes) apart? He’s just not right for you. You’re not realising this, and carrying in as if it would be a good idea to marry in the future, that’s the red flag.

Set your bar much, much higher. Go for what you really want not just what you have ended up with.

He’s in his 30’s. He can learn to do housework, cook, and shag properly, unless he’s a complete moron. It’s a shame he doesn’t want to.

Last thing, and apologies if this is a topic for another forum, but the sex.

I don’t really know how to describe it. I want to have sex with him and I feel a connection when we do, but it’s so cold.

When we make out he can be very handsy (in a good way) but when we have sex it’s totally the opposite. He puts it down to lack of experience but I know there’s more to it than that.

He will perform oral but doesn’t like receiving.

I think sex grosses him out.

I think I need to take a step back from this thread. This weekend has been so strange. I’ve been looking at him and our relationship in a totally different way. I really, really appreciate all of the replies but I think I might be a bit overwhelmed and maybe over analyzing things.

Having been in a relationship with someone who left the priesthood, I would advise to give it time. You will need to lead him sex wise, it’s a whole new world for him. All the housework stuff can be learnt. It’s not that difficult if he is willing. Spice things up with him and see how it goes. I don’t think he’s going to leave you like he left the priesthood. Those feelings of wanting to leave will have building up for a long time.

He is separating out his physical lust as a separate thing to "himself" and regards ot as a part of his sinfulness that he isn't strong enough to resist. He's cold because he is actively trying not to have an emotional/spiritual connection being an aspect of his sex life, he wants it to be purely physical and something he can repent of.
This isn't going to lead to a happy relationship.

My money is on a variant of Opus Dei.

Maybe a damn shallow male clutching for something simple in a rather complicated tale/situation, but I can't help finding any male who doesn't like oral somewhat odd to say the least.

From what I have heard, it isn't unusual for some men and women to not like oral, giving or receiving. It's hardly a dealbreaker, we all have different tastes when it comes to sex.

maybe it would be an idea for the OP to gently ask him why he doesn't like and listen to response. (apologies if already been asked/answered and I missed) - might be enlightening.

meant to add - especially as since he sounds so inexperienced, curious also maybe why he has decided this so soon.

He will perform oral but doesn’t like receiving.

OH has never been keen on oral sex, doesn't mind doing it with me (and well) but not keen on me doing it.

One of our daughters has a friend who's a priest. He's a nice young man, plays guitar and piano (not at same time). In a group with a couple of other friends including another priest. Not all priests are so closed off, some do have fun.

with respect bigfatliar (what a name!) you don't know much surely about your daughter's priest friend's intimate inner life though? Or at least I hope not.

(yep I admit maybe my slight downer on the catholic church and sex is leaking. I was once advised to seek guidance from a priest on intimate matters by a foreign catholic ex - I passed - and used to marvel/shudder when I now and again on church doors used to find offers for the priesthood to offer relationship/intimate advice to those in the congregation/potential congregation contemplating marriage)

Nope, I only know about my own and DH. I don't know if her friend is straight of gay, not that it matters as he's celibate. I do know that he enjoys life as much as he can.

I suspect the best priests are the ones who understand life is to be lived. One of the other priests is a retired widower with family and grandchildren, not met him yet.