Do I want to marry a former priest?

[jotex]

I know, I know, only I can answer that, would appreciate some advice from MNers.

I moved to a European city in 2020 (pre-Covid) for my Masters. In September of the same year I met a guy; smart, funny and very handsome…but also a Catholic priest. We met at an event for English people living here, hit it off straight away and ended up kissing that night. (Nothing too raunchy but he was in his priestly getup, so it was different). We kept in touch and started seeing each other for coffee, museums, shows etc. Basically dates without actually calling them dates!

Fast forward to the following year and he announces that he is leaving the priesthood. We started officially dating not long after this but he maintained and still maintains that he didn’t leave for me. He was able to walk into a great career almost right away, doing the exact same thing he did previously when he was a priest, in the same city.

Fast forward some more, things get more serious between us, we start to meet each others families, friends etc and eventually move in with each other in August of last year (still in the same city).

We recently started talking about moving back home and settling down. In my mind this is a pretty big step in the relationship. I love him, he ticks all the right boxes for me and we’re on the same page in many respects but with this potential plan on the horizon I’m starting to think some more (and don’t know if I’m overthinking).

He has basically lived his entire adult like in an institution/seminary, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc (he’s 36 fwiw, I’m 28). Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups. I’m not sex goddess but 99% of the time it’s just doggy, missionary and CIV (in that order). Also while no longer a practicing priest he is still legally (in the eyes of the church) a priest, and still has a long legal process to deal with, but it’s all internal church politics and not really a problem at all, my anxiety just doesn’t let me accept that.

The thing that’s really been on my mind lately is his being so adamant that he didn’t leave the priesthood for me. Within three weeks of him leaving we were official. Now I’m wondering what’ll stop him from doing the same with me down the line after we’ve settled down, had kids etc. Have genuinely never thought of this before now and don’t really know where it’s come from except for anxiety etc.

We’re still a long way off marriage, but things are going in that direction. I do really love him, but I don’t know if I’m seeing the full picture.

any advice!? Do I listen to these little things nagging at me, or how do I ignore them?

thanks MN!

Please someone tell me what CIV is? Google doesn't know.

OP it sounds like now things are becoming more serious and committed, it's making you questions whether both your valves and core beliefs align. Your senses are trying to tell you something. Some of the issues you described- his coldness, his lack of experience looking after domestic tasks, are the sorts of things that end up driving marriages to end, and usually only get worse over time as more responsibility can be added on and resentment builds.

Why are you together now do you think? Was he someone for now and its coasted? Do you feel you can talk about these deeper issues with him openly and supportively?

'Finally, get both of you some individual counselling'

Really great suggestion. He has made an enormous life change, and I'm sure he has a lot of feelings to work through. You are understandably struggling with the question of whether to continue the relationship

'Emotionally cold' is really worrying. Terrible sex and lots of 'hang-ups' sounds awful. Your post makes it difficult to see what is remotely appealing about him, never mind why you would be in love with him

Apparently my dad was planning to join the priesthood when he met my mum. He started a relationship with her, but had a massive wobble about it all just after they got engaged. Their marriage has been pretty much a textbook example of how NOT to have a healthy relationship, and I know for a fact that they have both had many moments over the years where they wished he had just gone the priest route. My mum has often complained over the years that he can be cold as ice emotionally

Really don’t marry someone you have boring sex with. Unless you want to only have boring sex all your life. I would rather be single or dead than put up with that.

CIV? Cum in Vagina?

Emotionally cold, crap sex and no housework? What's he for?

I thought 'Catholic in Vagina' too... we need to know!

Just to clarify one last thing for now. He maintains that he decided to leave before he even met me, and the doubts came long before even then. I can't and don't want to detail everything here but I believe him on this.

He didn't completely jump ship a couple of hours after meeting me. The feelings were already there, and that night they were mixed with quite a bit of wine and an opportunity presented itself. Again, I would rather not get into the nitty gritty details.

I was the catalyst, I suppose, that made him finally cross the door. Just not sure what or how I feel about this. What's to say there won't be another in the future.

Commitment issues
Shit sex
Emotionally cold
Useless around the house

no, you do not want to marry this former priest.

Oh and the very very last thing for now.

I thought CIV was commonly used! 😅

cum in vagina

I thought it was a little more grown up than....the other phrase/word

you're all welcome!

Who cares about all that. WHAT DOES CIV stand for? Sorry edited to say you answered!

I would need to know more.

I was extremely religious in my 20s but after a crisis of faith I am not religious in my 40s. I would assume he truly wanted to be a priest when he signed up for it but over the years realised he wanted a wife, and/or doubted his faith. I would have expected him to be questioning his calling before he met you and meeting you just gave him even more clarity about quitting.

My religious ex and I didn't sleep together but it was difficult and often led to feelings of guilt. Did your guy feel guilty about kissing you? Even though I was non-practising by the time I met my dh, my feelings around sex (ie it's wrong before marriage) hadn't really changed and so sex was much much better after we were married and my guilt lifted.

The priest stuff is irrelevant. This is an emotionally cold, sexually incompatible man with no life skills and who has never lived independently — why bother?

Yes but what about CIV op?

Doggy, missionary, congregation in the vestibule? Pulls out and heads off to play Civilisation VI on the PC? Completes Intra-Venously?

EDIT: I was right in my last post. Thanks OP😄

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hahahaha.

🤷‍♀️

I'd suggest the fact he was a Priest does actually matter. A lot. For those who don't know, Catholic Priests vow to live a life of celibacy. For me, the fact he forgot this promise on the very first night you met suggests he has major issues with his integrity and values. Will he 'forget' he is married too if someone else comes along at some point?!

He may well have planned to leave the priesthood earlier but behaving in this manner was (and is) inexcusable on his part. I'd be worried about trusting him, his lack of moral values and integrity. Huge red flag. Don't trust this man.

He sounds emotionally and sexually anaemic to me and I think you should run a mile. If you’re even asking the question then your instinct is correct and he is not the man for you.

Is this country Italy by any chance?
Doesn't sound good at all I must say..
Can you say more about these hang-ups?
Hang-ups + catholic + priest rings real alarm bells for me.
Hang-ups tend to be deep seated, and at his age they might not be open to loosening. Attempts at addressing could get messy.

I know I’m probably being rather naive (ironically, I was brought up as a Catholic though I’m no longer religious), but wouldn’t the other two positions you mentioned (doggy, missionary) also involve CIV? As would most PIV (Penis in Vagina) sex?

I may regret posting this, but MN has been quite educational in many respects!

I would, but not this one. But that's because he is emotionally cold and the sex is rubbish.

Fleabag, is that you?

Would it be possible that he said that he didn't leave the priesthood for you, as a way to reassure you that has no regrets leaving or maybe he just wants to be clear that his decision to leave was not due to any pressure from you? However, you make the relationship and him sound quite dull - passionate, sexy and exciting men are unlikely to want to have become a Catholic priest in the first place. Only you know whether he's too set in his ways and whether you can be with him long term. Maybe ask yourself of his qualities that drew you to him in the first place and it may help you to decide whether there's a future together.

Physically intimacy and emotional closeness are two things I value highly.

You don't have other and the compatibility you have seems to be from a shared interest in things you like doing together which sounds to me that your relationship is one step away from being platonic.