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Original poster

Do I want to marry a former priest?

238 replies

jotex · 15/12/2023 14:16

I know, I know, only I can answer that, would appreciate some advice from MNers.

I moved to a European city in 2020 (pre-Covid) for my Masters. In September of the same year I met a guy; smart, funny and very handsome…but also a Catholic priest. We met at an event for English people living here, hit it off straight away and ended up kissing that night. (Nothing too raunchy but he was in his priestly getup, so it was different). We kept in touch and started seeing each other for coffee, museums, shows etc. Basically dates without actually calling them dates!

Fast forward to the following year and he announces that he is leaving the priesthood. We started officially dating not long after this but he maintained and still maintains that he didn’t leave for me. He was able to walk into a great career almost right away, doing the exact same thing he did previously when he was a priest, in the same city.

Fast forward some more, things get more serious between us, we start to meet each others families, friends etc and eventually move in with each other in August of last year (still in the same city).

We recently started talking about moving back home and settling down. In my mind this is a pretty big step in the relationship. I love him, he ticks all the right boxes for me and we’re on the same page in many respects but with this potential plan on the horizon I’m starting to think some more (and don’t know if I’m overthinking).

He has basically lived his entire adult like in an institution/seminary, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc (he’s 36 fwiw, I’m 28). Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups. I’m not sex goddess but 99% of the time it’s just doggy, missionary and CIV (in that order). Also while no longer a practicing priest he is still legally (in the eyes of the church) a priest, and still has a long legal process to deal with, but it’s all internal church politics and not really a problem at all, my anxiety just doesn’t let me accept that.

The thing that’s really been on my mind lately is his being so adamant that he didn’t leave the priesthood for me. Within three weeks of him leaving we were official. Now I’m wondering what’ll stop him from doing the same with me down the line after we’ve settled down, had kids etc. Have genuinely never thought of this before now and don’t really know where it’s come from except for anxiety etc.

We’re still a long way off marriage, but things are going in that direction. I do really love him, but I don’t know if I’m seeing the full picture.

any advice!? Do I listen to these little things nagging at me, or how do I ignore them?

thanks MN!

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 15/12/2023 17:36

SEX hang ups!!

Planesmistakenforstars · 15/12/2023 17:41

I still don't understand CIV. Don't the other two positions involve ejaculation into the vagina? Does he cum and then pour it in?!

Original poster
jotex · 15/12/2023 17:49

Planesmistakenforstars · 15/12/2023 17:41

I still don't understand CIV. Don't the other two positions involve ejaculation into the vagina? Does he cum and then pour it in?!

What I intended was that 95% of the time sex just consists of these two positions and we finish with CIV...every time

Not because he says it's a sin to finish anywhere else I hasten to add. Its more for lack of experience

OP posts:
All2Well · 15/12/2023 17:50

Planesmistakenforstars · 15/12/2023 17:41

I still don't understand CIV. Don't the other two positions involve ejaculation into the vagina? Does he cum and then pour it in?!

I think what OP means is that every single time they...

Start in doggy

Turns her over and they move on to missionary

And then he ejaculates inside her

Every time.

That's what I take from it.

ETA Sorry, cross posted!

Hubblebubble · 15/12/2023 17:50

My view on this is entirely clouded by that TV series with the sexy priest and that posh woman who did aside breaking the 4th wall talks to the audience.

Charlize43 · 15/12/2023 17:50

This thread has really put me off my tea.

Pinkbonbon · 15/12/2023 17:52

Ps: never marry a man who would be a nightmare to divorce. This guy is 'cold'. AND an ex priest. It would be hell.

Plus the bare minimum a partner should be is a warm human being. The bare minimum.

The bare minimum a father should be is warm AND someone who pulls his weight in the home. Who cleans up after himself and does his share of the household tasks. Otherwise guess who will be doing ALL of the household tasks and ALL of the childcare when the kid arrives for the next 20 years? You, thats who!

Your barr is on the floor with this loser.

You're not even married and you're asking yourself 'how do I let these (huge character flaws) go?'. It's not your job to push bad behaviour under the carpet. It's your job to respect yourself as a person and get shot of people who take the piss.

Forgiveness is earned! By them changing their behaviour. This guy isn't interested in changing. He's been taking the piss forever and he doesn't care becayse ad you yourself have said, he is a cold person.

Thats not husband material. Hell, I don't even keep people like that in my circle of acquaintances.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 15/12/2023 18:04

I have known several ex priest who left and got married and it is a difficult transition. If you feel the relationship is worth it, perhaps couples counselling could give you a place to look at your concerns together?

OhpoorMe · 15/12/2023 18:05

Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups.

Nope nope nope. Even without any of the priest stuff it's a no!

Also it's PIV, not CIV :D

EllieQ · 15/12/2023 18:11

All2Well · 15/12/2023 17:25

These days, it's pretty popular that men tend to ejaculate in other places...mouths, boobs, bums, backs, stomachs, faces...not to mention inside a condom. For a lot of it, we can thank porn. But some women enjoy being cummed upon in a variety of ways so hey ho.

However, I believe that's an absolute sin in the Catholic religion and that every sexual act is meant to result in a potential life so ejaculation can't intentionally happen elsewhere.

Mind you...I'd imagine that sex before marriage, living with a woman and abandoning the priestly vows (not to mention snogging someone while a priest) is all seen as pretty major sin wise so odd he's willing to overlook all of that but not CIV.

Show quote history

Thank you @All2Well - the last time I was single was the late 90s, so all this kind of sexual practices have passed me by, and I’d never seen the acronym CIV before.

Onto the more serious matter of the relationship, as a previous poster mentioned, if you remove all references to him being a priest, it still doesn’t sound like a great relationship. Are you truly happy with someone who is emotionally cold and expects you to do everything domestically?

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 18:16

Berlinlover · 15/12/2023 14:45

What’s CIV?

I've been trying to work that out too

Berlinlover · 15/12/2023 18:18

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 18:16

I've been trying to work that out too

Show quote history

It means cum in vagina apparently.

Riapia · 15/12/2023 18:23

Do I want to marry a former priest?

If you were truly in love nothing would stop you.
You have doubts.
When there are no doubts marriage can be tough.
Any doubts don’t do it.

Loopytiles · 15/12/2023 18:24

There will be some way better options for you! Would end this, live wherever works best for you workwise and socially and in time it’ll be a great ‘hot priest’ tale.

EggNoggin · 15/12/2023 18:26

Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups.

God, I stopped dead at this part and thought why the fuck does she want to be in a relationship with this man?

He has basically lived his entire adult like in an institution/seminary, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc

Coupled with this I'm wondering exactly what boxes of yours he ticks???

a Catholic priest. We met at an event for English people living here, hit it off straight away and ended up kissing that night.

Along with everything else he lacks any kind of serious commitment to aspects of his life that require it. Not saying he should have stayed a priest but he committed adultery in the eyes of his god and church. How serious was he ever about his priesthood? Was it something he saw as something to do because he couldn't think of anything else. It hardly seems like a vocation.

I'd be wondering if it was that steretypically male thing of being unhappy but not doing anything about it until someone else came along.

I'd also be wondering, just as you are, if he's a serial adulterer and likely to drop you when something "better" comes along.

I'd be put off by his lack of general living skills, the awful sex, his lack of commitment to his priesthood, kissing a woman when still in holy orders.

He just doesn't seem to have great values, or be particularly morally sound.

CherrySocks · 15/12/2023 18:32

Is this the plot of a novel? You kissed with a Catholic priest on first meeting him? You didn't think it weird at that point that he suddenly gave up his vows of chastity / celibacy? He is mysteriously in the same line of work with or without his priest role. Are you sure he hadn't come just from a fancy dress party?

coxesorangepippin · 15/12/2023 18:39

Well he changes his mind easily for a start off

Bit if a red flag

Lilibert456 · 15/12/2023 18:39

No idea whether you should marry him. All I can think about is Richard Chamberlain in Thornbirds.😚

SleepPrettyDarling · 15/12/2023 18:39

If the European city is Rome, or indeed anywhere in Italy, I wouldn’t be surprised if you found the whole scenario very romantic and you might feel swept off your feet. I don’t mean that unkindly; I just feel there’s an international glamour to the scenario that you might not feel if he was a youth worker in Tower Hamlets. But … he’s not all that, if he’s a staid lover, emotionally unavailable, and helpless around the house.

Also, had to laugh at missionary. And also, ‘it’ll pass.’

coxesorangepippin · 15/12/2023 18:39

I'd be put off by his lack of general living skills, the awful sex, his lack of commitment to his priesthood, kissing a woman when still in holy orders.

^^

🤣🤣🤣

Me too

Sugarsun · 15/12/2023 18:46

I know a current priest and him and his wife are the nicest, funniest people I’ve ever met.
I am a bit in love with the both of them.
So it wouldn’t necessarily put me off.

The fact that he has never done housework would make me panic but it depends how much effort he puts in to doing these things now.

If he tries his best but isn’t great at it, then I’d look past it.
But if he thinks it’s your job to do these things and won’t even try then it would be a no go from me.

The sex sounds incredibly boring and I could not do the same positions and routines every time we have sex.
But tbh you don’t sound very fun either.

You are basically allowing him to do these positions and just lying there, instead of taking the initiative and doing other positions instead.

Whats stopping you from initiating sex and being on top for example?
Especially if he’s inexperienced.

Sugarsun · 15/12/2023 18:48

Riapia · 15/12/2023 18:23

Do I want to marry a former priest?

If you were truly in love nothing would stop you.
You have doubts.
When there are no doubts marriage can be tough.
Any doubts don’t do it.

I think this sums it up perfectly.

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 15/12/2023 18:50

No, he’s emotionally cold. He isn’t the right man for you to continue the relationship.

JustGerroffMe · 15/12/2023 18:51

ChaToilLeam · 15/12/2023 14:25

Are you sure you love him? You haven’t given a very appealing picture of him. Cold, boring sex, useless around the house. I’d be running a mile.

This.

Do you love him or are you staying out of guilt?

MILTOBE · 15/12/2023 18:59

You're really selling him to us.

You're 28 - the absolute prime of your life. You could do anything with your life. Why the hell would you settle for this awful man? I can understand you being caught up in the illicit excitement of it - I've seen Fleabag! But now you seem to see him so clearly and yet you're still with him.

Why?

(Edited as I got your age wrong, but everything else still stands)

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