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Original poster

Do I want to marry a former priest?

238 replies

jotex · 15/12/2023 14:16

I know, I know, only I can answer that, would appreciate some advice from MNers.

I moved to a European city in 2020 (pre-Covid) for my Masters. In September of the same year I met a guy; smart, funny and very handsome…but also a Catholic priest. We met at an event for English people living here, hit it off straight away and ended up kissing that night. (Nothing too raunchy but he was in his priestly getup, so it was different). We kept in touch and started seeing each other for coffee, museums, shows etc. Basically dates without actually calling them dates!

Fast forward to the following year and he announces that he is leaving the priesthood. We started officially dating not long after this but he maintained and still maintains that he didn’t leave for me. He was able to walk into a great career almost right away, doing the exact same thing he did previously when he was a priest, in the same city.

Fast forward some more, things get more serious between us, we start to meet each others families, friends etc and eventually move in with each other in August of last year (still in the same city).

We recently started talking about moving back home and settling down. In my mind this is a pretty big step in the relationship. I love him, he ticks all the right boxes for me and we’re on the same page in many respects but with this potential plan on the horizon I’m starting to think some more (and don’t know if I’m overthinking).

He has basically lived his entire adult like in an institution/seminary, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc (he’s 36 fwiw, I’m 28). Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups. I’m not sex goddess but 99% of the time it’s just doggy, missionary and CIV (in that order). Also while no longer a practicing priest he is still legally (in the eyes of the church) a priest, and still has a long legal process to deal with, but it’s all internal church politics and not really a problem at all, my anxiety just doesn’t let me accept that.

The thing that’s really been on my mind lately is his being so adamant that he didn’t leave the priesthood for me. Within three weeks of him leaving we were official. Now I’m wondering what’ll stop him from doing the same with me down the line after we’ve settled down, had kids etc. Have genuinely never thought of this before now and don’t really know where it’s come from except for anxiety etc.

We’re still a long way off marriage, but things are going in that direction. I do really love him, but I don’t know if I’m seeing the full picture.

any advice!? Do I listen to these little things nagging at me, or how do I ignore them?

thanks MN!

OP posts:
LatteLady · 15/12/2023 19:08

OK, just to disclose, my mother was the Parish Priests' housekeeper after we left home, so did the job for over 25 years and had to deal with wobbling and quitting priests, so I picked up quite a bit over the years. Yes, for the most part they were pretty sheltered and looked after, but like most other men, if you show them what to do they usually learn pretty quickly, so set the expectations early on and reinforce them regularly.

As to emotional detachment, that is taught to protect them so you might want to get him and you (ie together) some counselling to explore and change this. The sex, well frankly, like other things the more you do it, the easier it gets and you just explore...

As to leaving the priesthood, then yes, he can be layicised BUT and this is an important piece to note (albeit bizarre) only the Pope can take away his vow of celibacy. This means that if he is sleeping with you, then his immortal soul is in danger and this might be one of the things which is holding him back sexually.

Finally, yes there are priests who successfully leave the clergy, there are a couple in my extensive Irish family, and they appear to have happy marriages and children. In fact, my mother's favourite priest was considering leaving the priesthood as he had met someone and fallen in love. The Church tried to move him away, but worse still the Bishop sent a message to my mother that he would not be permitted to say her funeral mass as she made her final arrangements after a terminal cancer diagnosis... now bear in mind my mother was a cradle Catholic and she told the Bishop, that if he was not going to do it, she would go to the protestant church at the end of the road and he could explain why, to the other parishioners... The Bishop apologised and when mum had her requiem mass Fr Kevin led it with eight other priests on the altar... her other family.

Avacardo2023 · 15/12/2023 19:15

He sounds awful and you should definitely throw him back as you can do better.

This thread has really surprised me as I assumed priests in religious institutions would be self sufficient and have to take turns cooking, cleaning, washing etc like any people in shared quarters. I imagined it to be a bit more like army barracks I guess. I am surprised to hear that there are men in their 30s sitting around doing fuck all except praying and working on Sundays or whatever it is they do, with other people waiting on them hand and foot. Make sure you don't take up the role.

notprincehamlet · 15/12/2023 19:21

What is civ?
That would be an ecumenical matter

Mrssnee16 · 15/12/2023 19:22

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Almost spat my tea out 🤣🤣🤣

supersop60 · 15/12/2023 19:23

Emotionally cold and boring sex?
You should still be in the honeymoon stage at this point, when you are walking on air and madly in love.
Is this going to be your story?

Sirian · 15/12/2023 19:23

I’m imagining the priest from Fleabag and yelling “OMG yes!” Honestly if he’s anywhere near as hot and sexy you’d be mad not to.

semideponent · 15/12/2023 19:24

Wise words from your now self to your future self.

"The thing that’s really been on my mind lately is his being so adamant that he didn’t leave the priesthood for me. Within three weeks of him leaving we were official. Now I’m wondering what’ll stop him from doing the same with me down the line after we’ve settled down, had kids etc. Have genuinely never thought of this before now and don’t really know where it’s come from except for anxiety etc"

My advice is this: work out what this man means and has meant to you in your life. He was still wearing a collar when you first got together, I think?

You seem caught in a dance of trying to figure what other people's actions mean. Figure out what your own actions mean and don't be ashamed of them or the desires behind them. Ultimately this is between you and you.

Marriedtoanofficer · 15/12/2023 19:36

This sounds like the film ‘Thorn Birds’.
Look how that turned out.

Treesinmygarden · 15/12/2023 19:37

Well you could have been the catalyst, and as others have posted, he's far from the first priest to break his vows. Plus, if he was already having doubts....

The housework thing could be managed, if he is willing - it's not rocket science. The sex could (possibly?) be worked on if it's just that he's inexperienced - though it doesn't sound like he's open to experimenting any?

@jotex do you truly love him? What does he bring to your life? Would you miss anything about him if he was no longer with you?

WhatsWrongWithMe1234 · 15/12/2023 19:38

Clergy in Vagina

Grumpsy · 15/12/2023 19:42

Why would you want to commit yourself to a life time of bad sex, with someone who is emotionally cold and can’t look after himself?

the bad sex would have me running away, the other two would have me out of there faster than road runner.

Chlo6 · 15/12/2023 19:51

Cum in vagina

Mamette · 15/12/2023 19:52

doing the exact same thing he did previously when he was a priest, in the same city

Can’t be saying mass or hearing confession. Must be teaching.

ImTheGoat · 15/12/2023 19:55

notprincehamlet · 15/12/2023 19:21

What is civ?
That would be an ecumenical matter

Hahahahahah....excellent.

category12 · 15/12/2023 19:57

I'm another one wondering which boxes he actually ticks for you as partner. The ego box of leaving the priesthood but really not for you I could imagine being a big one, but what else? His miraculous move into a good career?

Sex is dull.
He's a cold fish.
He's useless around the house.

He sounds like a terrible prospect as a husband.

StBrides · 15/12/2023 19:59

I wouldn't marry someone with I didn't have a great sex life or who was emotionally cold.

RandomButtons · 15/12/2023 19:59

Emotionally cold? Run a mile. You can’t fix that one.

Bad sex and housework can be worked on if the man is really devoted to you, but you’d know within a few months if he was willing to work on those. Doesn’t sound like he is.

rosyglowcondition · 15/12/2023 20:14

A friend married an ex monk! Wonderfully happy and adore each other. You don't sound particularly in love with him, so that's the only important thing. Priest, monk... all irrelevant. The man it what it's about.

Pookerrod · 15/12/2023 20:21

Well if he looks anything like Andrew Scott then yes, marry him immediately! The sex can improve with practice 😉

noooooooo · 15/12/2023 20:22

Emotionally cold, apparent willingness to walk away from massive commitment without a backward glance, useless round the house and shit in the sack.

My question would be - why are you thinking about doing this? Do you feel you owe him?

MsTwaffles · 15/12/2023 20:29

Why has he never done housework? Both with this and the sex, itsjust experience, if you like him enough then show him how to do it well.

Being cold is something else - was he always emotionally cold? What was the attraction if thats the case?

Yolo12345 · 15/12/2023 20:30

Honestly do you believe in God? Probably best to be on the same page here.

Some men have a very strong desire to reproduce. This is why many gay men marry and have children etc... be careful he is not just using you for this but will return to the priesthood when he is older.

Lastly - he has never looked after himself, cooked a meal etc...! :0 you have been warned.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 15/12/2023 20:34

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😂😂😂😂😂😂

Drinkinggreentea · 15/12/2023 20:37

The sex can improve but the emotional coldness is a huge red flag. Men are on their absolute best behaviour at the start of a relationship so this will only get worse. Do you FEEL like he loves you and does he show you any affection outside of sex?

The speed at which he threw away a lifelong commitment with absolutely no guilt as soon as a woman was interested (assuming this is the first time he's done this) doesn't say great things about him either...

Lovedthosechips · 15/12/2023 20:37

He is nearly ten years older but emotionally younger, inexperienced and emotionally stunted.

you are in your glorious twenties able to live, love and meet someone available and settle down if you want to.

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