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Original poster

Do I want to marry a former priest?

238 replies

jotex · 15/12/2023 14:16

I know, I know, only I can answer that, would appreciate some advice from MNers.

I moved to a European city in 2020 (pre-Covid) for my Masters. In September of the same year I met a guy; smart, funny and very handsome…but also a Catholic priest. We met at an event for English people living here, hit it off straight away and ended up kissing that night. (Nothing too raunchy but he was in his priestly getup, so it was different). We kept in touch and started seeing each other for coffee, museums, shows etc. Basically dates without actually calling them dates!

Fast forward to the following year and he announces that he is leaving the priesthood. We started officially dating not long after this but he maintained and still maintains that he didn’t leave for me. He was able to walk into a great career almost right away, doing the exact same thing he did previously when he was a priest, in the same city.

Fast forward some more, things get more serious between us, we start to meet each others families, friends etc and eventually move in with each other in August of last year (still in the same city).

We recently started talking about moving back home and settling down. In my mind this is a pretty big step in the relationship. I love him, he ticks all the right boxes for me and we’re on the same page in many respects but with this potential plan on the horizon I’m starting to think some more (and don’t know if I’m overthinking).

He has basically lived his entire adult like in an institution/seminary, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc (he’s 36 fwiw, I’m 28). Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups. I’m not sex goddess but 99% of the time it’s just doggy, missionary and CIV (in that order). Also while no longer a practicing priest he is still legally (in the eyes of the church) a priest, and still has a long legal process to deal with, but it’s all internal church politics and not really a problem at all, my anxiety just doesn’t let me accept that.

The thing that’s really been on my mind lately is his being so adamant that he didn’t leave the priesthood for me. Within three weeks of him leaving we were official. Now I’m wondering what’ll stop him from doing the same with me down the line after we’ve settled down, had kids etc. Have genuinely never thought of this before now and don’t really know where it’s come from except for anxiety etc.

We’re still a long way off marriage, but things are going in that direction. I do really love him, but I don’t know if I’m seeing the full picture.

any advice!? Do I listen to these little things nagging at me, or how do I ignore them?

thanks MN!

OP posts:
MissHavershamReturns · 15/12/2023 14:48

@titchy plenty of priests have fathered children. There is even a support group for them. So entirely possible this could happen.

Rocksonabeach · 15/12/2023 14:49

What is civ?

emotionally cold ?? What he was training in empathy and kindness??

every single unmarried vicar I know is wonderful in the home as they do all their own chores themselves.

I would be looking at what he thinks of women and thinking seriously about what happens if he disagrees with you?

diamondpony80 · 15/12/2023 14:49

Did he not wrestle with his conscience even the tiniest little bit when he broke his commitment to the church to kiss you the first time he met you? No guilt whatsoever? Breaking the promises he made when ordained is a very serious thing, and you were just a stranger to him. That alone would be a major red flag to me. If he commits his life to you (like he did to the church) is he going to kiss the first girl who comes along and turns his head? He sounds very fickle and not very trustworthy.

andIsaid · 15/12/2023 14:49

Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups

It is not him it is YOU.

The priest thing is a red herring.

You really need to up your standards.

The transgression might have appealed to you, the "chosen" one might have appealed, but really - emotionally cold should be dead in the water.

QueenBitch666 · 15/12/2023 14:49

@titchy Grin

QueenBitch666 · 15/12/2023 14:50

I thought cock in vagina?

Sopla · 15/12/2023 14:50

He’s cold, the sex is shit, he has the housekeeping of a small child and he’s entangled with the Catholic Church and legal drama with that. Quite the catch.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/12/2023 14:51

If he's adamant he didn't give up the priesthood for you, then it makes walking away from an unfulfilling relationship all the easier. Which, I suggest you do.

titchy · 15/12/2023 14:51

MissHavershamReturns · 15/12/2023 14:48

@titchy plenty of priests have fathered children. There is even a support group for them. So entirely possible this could happen.

Trying not to channel my inner Father Ted there!

Yes I'm sure there are - but probably not within an hour or two of meeting someone.

Anniissa · 15/12/2023 14:54

QueenBitch666 · 15/12/2023 14:50

I thought cock in vagina?

That was my first thought but then how is that different from doggy or missionary position?

minou123 · 15/12/2023 14:54

For me, I dont think it's the fact he was a priest that makes me worry for you, it's more this.....

He has basically lived his entire adult like in an institution/seminary, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc (he’s 36 fwiw, I’m 28). Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups. I’m not sex goddess but 99% of the time it’s just doggy, missionary and CIV (in that order).'

Is he willing to start learning to cook,clean, iron? If not, are you prepared to do all of this by yourself? Especially for the rest of your life, I'd he has kept up the 'no divorce' Catholic reaching?

I know some people say sex isnt important, but to me it is. "Boring" sex is OK for a short period of time, but if you are someone who is just going to get bored with doggy/missionary/civ, then this isn't going to be good long term.

Mudflaps · 15/12/2023 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ah Jesus, I near choked on my sausage roll when I read that.

Ihaveoflate · 15/12/2023 14:55

I think the priest bit is a red herring. He is emotionally cold and the sex sounds like it's lacking in real connection or intimacy (related to the emotionally cold but no doubt).

I'd be very, very wary of an emotionally unavailable man. How self aware is he? Can he reflect? How open is he to frank discussion about these things? Do you discuss them? Because if you're not having honest conversations now at this stage then i'd probably run a mile (spoken from a position of experience and wonderful hindsight).

PamelaParis · 15/12/2023 14:55

You're 28. Run away fast!

Colinthedaxi · 15/12/2023 14:57

Anniissa · 15/12/2023 14:54

That was my first thought but then how is that different from doggy or missionary position?

Show quote history

(I’m over invested here) possibly come in vagina? Just going on a previous “don’t get pregnant” comment?

Shewaswanton · 15/12/2023 14:57

Mudflaps · 15/12/2023 14:54

Ah Jesus, I near choked on my sausage roll when I read that.

Show quote history

Me too! 😂

MissHavershamReturns · 15/12/2023 14:57

@titchy love father Ted! I actually know a couple where the dh is a former priest and the way he tells it it was love at first sight when he first saw his dw.

ImTheGoat · 15/12/2023 14:59

Please, please come back and tell us what CIV is?

I think you need to either put the work in to try and improve your sex life and see how that goes or else just break up. The problem isn't that he's a former priest, it's that you don't sound attracted to him. By the way my DH is a vicar, I'm an atheist, and it's not a problem.

Angrycat2768 · 15/12/2023 14:59

Hmmm If he used to be a priest, he must be pretty committed to church teachings. What are his views towards children? In my experience, people who are brought up quite religiously get more pious when children come along. He did seem to give up his commitment to the church pretty darn quick. Maybe he just joined the priesthood because it was a secure job and he couldn't think of anything he wanted to do?! ( My uncle became a priest after his girlfriend dumped him, as a threat. He lasted quite a long time, but also had a long tern girlfriend on the side)

yoshiblue · 15/12/2023 14:59

titchy · 15/12/2023 14:47

Sounds like bollocks to me. Catholic priests don't snog people they've only just met. Was he really a priest, do you have any evidence? Does he still believe, go to confession, mass?

Or perhaps you're scripting for Fleabag 2?

Agree with @titchy. Just don't buy a Catholic priest is going to snog you in his uniform the evening you met....likely in full view of others he knew.

😂

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/12/2023 15:00

If you have been living together for more than a year ( sorry if I have misunderstood) why haven’t you both addressed his lack of life skills? I mean, after three weeks with now DH I was telling him to hang his clothes up ( and he was telling me that rinsing out the mug was not sufficient).

NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 15/12/2023 15:00

@jotex you are 26 - do you ever want to have children ? If so, how does he sound as a father -

Wont love his kids ( emotionally cold )
Wont do stuff for / with his kids ( lazy around the house )
will probably abandon his kids ( gives up on a lifelong commitment for someone he met an hour ago ).

Your worries do not come from “ anxiety”, they come from common sense and your pattern recognition skills . The best predictor of the future is the past.

How do his family feel about him leaving the priesthood ? Despite his claim that he didn’t leave for you, they will be aware that he was official with you 3 weeks later.

All2Well · 15/12/2023 15:01

My friend married a Catholic Priest who left the priesthood for her...she's very subserviant, he's very grumpy and still in priest mode most of the time. I think they both made a mistake...and your post reminds me of them.

Spencer0220 · 15/12/2023 15:02

I'm not religious, but I have a couple of friends who joined the priesthood. Non-Catholic.

I would believe him that he didn't leave solely for you. It's likely he had these nagging feelings for a while. But you do need to be careful that you aren't some kind of rebound relationship.

Sex is likely to be a very complicated subject for him because he was previously expected to live a devout life of celibacy. Suddenly he has these urges, and probably no idea how to handle it all.

With the household jobs, I understand that. BUT he has to be willing to learn and help himself.

How long was he a priest? What kind of childhood did he have? Was he raised so closely with the church that his career was basically a natural progression? If you see what I'm saying?

I'm not saying don't do this. But if you do, it's going to be a long, hard road until marriage is a good idea. Only you can decide if he is worth it.

Finally, get both of you some individual counselling.

The very best of luck x

QueenCamilla · 15/12/2023 15:04

Something doesn't sound right here....