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Original poster

Life too difficult as a single mum, get back with ex?

212 replies

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 11:48

Just that really. Has anyone given things another go? It doesn’t get any easier it really doesn’t so don’t want to be told it does as it doesn’t. Just has anyone given things another go and did it work out?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 20:10

Thank you I’m glad someone gets it. It’s relentless and exhausting and people with one child have no idea how hard it is parenting mutual children alone. I am tired and exhausted I don’t even get a weekend off to look forward to like most of the single mums i know that tell me it’s “easier”. Unless you are in the situation you really don’t know how hard it is I contemplate giving up all the time because between that and no family it’s impossible and I am heading for a break down, my ex is the only one willing to help and rather than push him away maybe I should accept that he wants to be around but it comes at a price but I can’t do it alone anymore.

The children are 12 11 9 and 6 for those that asked and no it’s not getting easier as they get older, at least when they were young I didn’t want to be away from them I would have struggled not seeing them, now I would happily wave them off for the weekend or week.

OP posts:
Whenwasthis · 16/12/2023 08:21

Bringing up four kids on your own won't be easy and very few people will have experienced this so will have no idea. Having virtually no support for all those years will be exhausting and yes you need to find support from somewhere. But from what you're saying getting back with your ex isn't the solution. Yes he's the only one you think that can help, but he hasn't exactly eased the burden while you've been apart. You split for a reason and I don't think you'll be very happy if you bring him back into the family is the hunch i get.

Inamess2022 · 16/12/2023 08:44

With all due respect it’s just as hard and complex at times for people with “one child” can’t stand this attitude 🙄

Daffodil18 · 16/12/2023 08:46

Going off your posts and the reason for the split being his mental health issues which are now treated, then yes I would get back together. It’s been 6 years and you’re no further on. You never know, it might actually work out well but if it doesn’t then at least you get the support to live a happier life. What is stopping you getting back with him?

Thatswhy11 · 16/12/2023 08:53

I'm a mum of 1 to a Son. No family support although his dad has been doing EOW in recent years and 3 weeks of the school holidays for the entire year.

I feel a bit offended that you feel life is so much easier with one. To some degree yes... but I've had to go on sick at times as trying to work with no childcare through a pandemic was so overwhelming. Long story short I managed to get sorted but it's the routine that's the same when your a mum to only 1 child we still have all the ups and downs to schools runs like you.

Why on earth you went on to have 4 kids to this man is absolutely the issue OP. I would of loved baby no2 but quite frankly I wised up quickly!! As everything was always left upto me.

Thatswhy11 · 16/12/2023 08:56

@Inamess2022 I'm glad you agree with me. I said this to a friend IRL. She said it's the finicial side but which I get. But there's downfalls to and only too. You've always got to be the entertainment, I holiday yearly with my Son and I always make sure I look for a hotel with a waterpark. I can't stand how it's like we are half a mum because we have one child.... if only my boss at work held this opinion when I'm having to take sick leave as I'm the only parent at home!

strawberry2017 · 16/12/2023 09:17

I just don't think I could do it, it sounds utterly miserable to be with someone just because it's difficult with my kids on my own.

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 16/12/2023 12:06

Thatswhy11 · 16/12/2023 08:53

I'm a mum of 1 to a Son. No family support although his dad has been doing EOW in recent years and 3 weeks of the school holidays for the entire year.

I feel a bit offended that you feel life is so much easier with one. To some degree yes... but I've had to go on sick at times as trying to work with no childcare through a pandemic was so overwhelming. Long story short I managed to get sorted but it's the routine that's the same when your a mum to only 1 child we still have all the ups and downs to schools runs like you.

Why on earth you went on to have 4 kids to this man is absolutely the issue OP. I would of loved baby no2 but quite frankly I wised up quickly!! As everything was always left upto me.

Get real, of course 4 kids on your own is harder than one! Sorry that “offends” you. People say do babysitting swaps with friends but I can’t because no one will have four children! If I only had one then yes I wouldn’t even be contemplating this so yes it is more difficult having 4 and if you don’t have 4 then you won’t know that. Trying to meet the needs of 4 children alone is quite frankly impossible. They never get 1:1 time with me. Things weren’t left up to me like you say though my ex wasn’t a useless twat like so many men on here he did his share as I said he didn’t leave everything to me he had a mental break down!! That’s what it’s not easier without him because he didn’t leave it all up to me he pulled his weigh but his mental illness happened!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 16/12/2023 12:08

Whenwasthis · 16/12/2023 08:21

Bringing up four kids on your own won't be easy and very few people will have experienced this so will have no idea. Having virtually no support for all those years will be exhausting and yes you need to find support from somewhere. But from what you're saying getting back with your ex isn't the solution. Yes he's the only one you think that can help, but he hasn't exactly eased the burden while you've been apart. You split for a reason and I don't think you'll be very happy if you bring him back into the family is the hunch i get.

Thank you yes it’s nowhere the same as bringing up 1 kid alone. I’ve been bringing 4 up on my own for 6 years I haven’t had a single break and he is there offering to get back together and has done for years but my situation was different back then but things have happened since which now makes it seem like the only option.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 16/12/2023 12:09

Thatswhy11 · 16/12/2023 08:53

I'm a mum of 1 to a Son. No family support although his dad has been doing EOW in recent years and 3 weeks of the school holidays for the entire year.

I feel a bit offended that you feel life is so much easier with one. To some degree yes... but I've had to go on sick at times as trying to work with no childcare through a pandemic was so overwhelming. Long story short I managed to get sorted but it's the routine that's the same when your a mum to only 1 child we still have all the ups and downs to schools runs like you.

Why on earth you went on to have 4 kids to this man is absolutely the issue OP. I would of loved baby no2 but quite frankly I wised up quickly!! As everything was always left upto me.

And you get eow off and feel like your like is just as difficult? Really I’ve never had a night away from my kids in 6 years. Not the same. I would kill for eow off!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 16/12/2023 12:14

Daffodil18 · 16/12/2023 08:46

Going off your posts and the reason for the split being his mental health issues which are now treated, then yes I would get back together. It’s been 6 years and you’re no further on. You never know, it might actually work out well but if it doesn’t then at least you get the support to live a happier life. What is stopping you getting back with him?

Thank you. Well initially I had family help when we split up it’s why I moved back to where I am now as my mum promised me lots of help when me and my ex split but due to a feud within the family I now don’t speak to pretty much any of them so I’ve been doing it alone for 6 years, the times he tried to get back before I had support from family things have changed and I’m now on my own with them and I need some support which is now why it’s something I’m considering, before I just felt like too much water under the bridge.

OP posts:
Beginningless · 16/12/2023 12:23

Thatswhy11 · 16/12/2023 08:53

I'm a mum of 1 to a Son. No family support although his dad has been doing EOW in recent years and 3 weeks of the school holidays for the entire year.

I feel a bit offended that you feel life is so much easier with one. To some degree yes... but I've had to go on sick at times as trying to work with no childcare through a pandemic was so overwhelming. Long story short I managed to get sorted but it's the routine that's the same when your a mum to only 1 child we still have all the ups and downs to schools runs like you.

Why on earth you went on to have 4 kids to this man is absolutely the issue OP. I would of loved baby no2 but quite frankly I wised up quickly!! As everything was always left upto me.

I think it’s outrageous to think having one child is anywhere as difficult as having four! Saying that doesn’t minimise the things you struggle with or say that your life is easy. It’s just not remotely comparable in terms of the challenges.

Thatswhy11 · 16/12/2023 14:06

@ChristmasPuddingPie i actually had to get my ex to go through the courts, I also work on my EOW off. Quite frankly you have CHOOSEN to have not just 1 or 2 kids to someone with mental health and who is unable to cope and doesn't even have suitable living accommodation YET have had the 3rd and 4th child. I'm sorry but that is the issue here. Perhaps @Beginningless you missed the part where I said I would of loved baby no2 my ex is useless and I choose to cut my cloth... it isn't fair on the kids. I made a choice just like OP.

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 16/12/2023 14:08

Thatswhy11 · 16/12/2023 14:06

@ChristmasPuddingPie i actually had to get my ex to go through the courts, I also work on my EOW off. Quite frankly you have CHOOSEN to have not just 1 or 2 kids to someone with mental health and who is unable to cope and doesn't even have suitable living accommodation YET have had the 3rd and 4th child. I'm sorry but that is the issue here. Perhaps @Beginningless you missed the part where I said I would of loved baby no2 my ex is useless and I choose to cut my cloth... it isn't fair on the kids. I made a choice just like OP.

His mental health issues happened when I was pregnant with our youngest. I'm going to be ignoring you now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 16/12/2023 14:09

Beginningless · 16/12/2023 12:23

I think it’s outrageous to think having one child is anywhere as difficult as having four! Saying that doesn’t minimise the things you struggle with or say that your life is easy. It’s just not remotely comparable in terms of the challenges.

Show quote history

Thank you. I was shocked when I read that 🤦

OP posts:
wispadelight · 16/12/2023 14:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2023 14:19

Jeebus he walked out on you when you were pregnant with your youngest and your oldest was six! And he arranged not to be available as a coparent or father because he couldn’t be arsed. And he will graciously deign to come back into his children’s life if you turn back into a surrendered wife? What a bargain.

Opentooffers · 16/12/2023 15:09

I had 1 DC, some help off family luckily- though its turned out to have disadvantages. Worked full time shifts, paid everything myself, their dad saw them a fair bit at the beginning (only because I drove up&down the motorway for it at the start). Then my ex died, so just been us. We have a special relationship, love my DS to bits, he was an easy baby, no issues at all, makes me proud mostly and been no trouble at all.
Sounds good doesn't it, but still hard overall, a lifetime of being skint and I feel pretty worn out now it's done and he's a young man ( could be menopause too).
Yea, it was a continuous level of doing a lot less than I'd like to have done, not being able to join in on things that cost money but would of been fun. Just about ticking along and existingat times. Didn't get better, more stayed even and just about balancing. Realised my life didn't change that much in lockdown as I didn't get out much anyway - I do more nowadays.
I cannot imagine 4, the pressure must be immense and the endless making ends meet, also demands of teenagers. I do not blame you at all for considering it.

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 16/12/2023 15:14

Thank you, Yes he left me with a 6 year old 5 year old 3 year old and new born. As much as I would like to say things have got better/easier since then, they just haven't. In some ways it's actually much harder now. The teenage years are awful and they haven't even really begun. I have one child that hates school and refuses to go every day is an absolute battle to get him there as he hates it. This is having a negative effect on my other children as I can't get them to school on time and we are late every day because he refuses to get out of bed. Life is much harder now and I have made my bed so have to lie in it. I have to accept I am stuck with him.

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 16/12/2023 15:17

I thought it was a bit tough with 2, but to have 4 no wonder it's tough for you.

pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2023 15:33

I’m k you have convinced me: let him move back in to coparent. You are out of ideas and resources. He will leave you in the lurch again if its too much for him as he is quite selfish and indifferent to his children.

Opentooffers · 17/12/2023 18:52

Better to let the one be late sometimes and get the other 3 in on time. Then have a deep talk to get to the bottom of what is wrong at school - could be learning difficulties, ND making it difficult to make friends, bullying etc. Once you know, hopefully can be on a path to sorting it out. In fact, might be worth sacrificing 1 day of his schooling so he gets your undivided attention for the day. I'm guessing he's never had that.probably tough as the eldest. Listen to what he has to say if he'll talk.

northernlight20 · 17/12/2023 19:29

What if he dropped dead tomorrow? How would u parent then? What would u do? Maybe there are other options to explore, e.g help through health visitor maybe?

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 17/12/2023 20:13

He is a healthy man in his 30s so extremely unlikely he will die tomorrow. I have been ill all weekend and I would have killed for another pair of hands here, even someone to just play with the kids or take them out as haven't been able to.

Unfortunately it's my 9 year old who is the school refuser so I can't leave him at home alone and I have 2 different schools to travel to its not the local schools unfortunately so I take the older ones then younger ones. School is on at me every single day pressuring me every single day and I don't know what else I can do but they are constantly saying I will get into trouble.

OP posts:
Sugarsun · 17/12/2023 20:26

If you want to get back with him, then do so.

You don’t need our permission.

Being a single parent is one of the most difficult things you can do.

I personally would want to be a single parent, then be in a shitty relationship but you can choose to be in this relationship if you think it’s the easier and more preferable option.