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Original poster

Life too difficult as a single mum, get back with ex?

212 replies

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 11:48

Just that really. Has anyone given things another go? It doesn’t get any easier it really doesn’t so don’t want to be told it does as it doesn’t. Just has anyone given things another go and did it work out?

OP posts:
gooddayruby · 14/12/2023 19:10

Okay Op fair enough. Tough that he doesn't drive. My advice would be to always move forward, never backwards. And definitely do not give up the security you have with your social housing for someone who has dropped you all before and will therefore most likely do it again. Organise regular contact that he has to stick to, once a week for example. That would be a good start

EmmaEmerald · 14/12/2023 19:11

No judgement from me

People have relationships for a variety of reasons

Does he know you are struggling?

Alternative - Can he move closer to you and the schools and do 50/50? That would avoid compromising your housing.

Hayliebells · 14/12/2023 19:12

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 12:13

No it’s not still an issue. No I have no family help at all they are not interested and no he isn’t with them half the time they are here full time.

If he's not pulling his weight as a co-parent now, why would you want to get back with him?

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 19:21

Because if we got back together he would be living here, he’s already suggested it

OP posts:
Beinghonestforonce · 14/12/2023 19:22

Been a single mum 6yrs, was tough for a while but im miles better off not dragging the deafweight of my ex around, worth all the hard times

Josette77 · 14/12/2023 19:24

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 19:21

Because if we got back together he would be living here, he’s already suggested it

Because he wants to be with you and his kids or become wants a place to stay?

Why can't he move closer first? Slowly be a bigger part of his kids lives?

EmmaEmerald · 14/12/2023 19:29

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 19:21

Because if we got back together he would be living here, he’s already suggested it

But that's not the only option on the table?

bottom line, if you want to do it, do it! You don't need MN permission, so something else is holding you back?

what's his current living situation?

category12 · 14/12/2023 19:35

Why does he live so far away? Who moved away from whom?

Wouldn't a better intermediary step be for him to move closer? Then you could try dating and see how it went.

Seems very all or nothing and big risk of going wrong to move him straight back in.

Raspberrymoon49 · 14/12/2023 19:39

He’s a deadbeat dad, leaving all the work of raising 4 children to you, I wouldn’t entertain having him back, if there was genuine love for you you and/or his children he’d be moving heaven and earth to show that, he’s doing the opposite, if he comes back to live with you, in no time at all you’ll resent him, he’s not what you need

Hayliebells · 14/12/2023 19:47

Well then he can move round the corner can't he, start parenting them 50/50. Or is he only interested in them if you're living together?

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 20:27

It kind of is all or nothing, he doesn’t like where I live so won’t move here unless it’s to give things another go. We both moved I was we both lived between where with live now, when we split up he went back to where he originally lived and I moved closer to family as after me and ex split they promised lots of help with never materialised so I’m not stuck in an area I don’t like.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 14/12/2023 20:44

So moving there for his kids isn't good enough? Not worth it to be a proper Dad?

But you think he'll move in and everything will be fine?

Sorry but you are being delusional and your ex is a shit father.

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 21:01

He has offered to

OP posts:
Josette77 · 14/12/2023 21:03

Offered to move in but not move closer and see his kids?

Do you really not see how shit that is? His kids should be his priority not getting back with you.

instantick · 14/12/2023 21:39

he cant move in because of the area what a lame excuse is that so your just there for him when he comes and gos to make baby number 5 lol. im so glad i am single and not being persuaded or intruded by deadbeat fathers if he wanted to be there he would be there.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/12/2023 02:25

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 19:21

Because if we got back together he would be living here, he’s already suggested it

So, when did he get the notice to quit his current home? That's my suspicion as to what his motivation is.

Panaa · 15/12/2023 02:59

No OP, this is a terrible idea.

It didn't get easier because he can't be arsed parenting even though you clearly needed a break.

He doesn't like your area so he wouldn't move back, does he not think his kids deserved a dad no?

He doesn't drive....is there a medical reason for that or is he just not arsed learning even though it would have made it so much easier to see the kids if he did?

It would be extremely confusing for your kids to have a dad who wasn't bothered with them who suddenly only becomes a dad to them if you took him back.

And what would happen then if it wasn't working out which most likely it won't? Do the kids lose their dad again? I can almost guarantee that if he moved in and it didn't work out that he would use that as an excuse to be in even less involved than he is now.

Tell him if he's serious about you and serious about you all being a family then he needs to prove it first by moving nearby by himself and taking steps that way, a relationship and moving back in could follow if that worked out.
Again, I can almost guarantee that he won't bother.

He says he loves you?? Sounds like the laziest kind of low effort love I've ever heard of in my life.

Nicaced10 · 15/12/2023 07:45

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 18:18

Because YOU chose to leave! Different situation. Being a single mum with no family and no help and an uninvolved father is hardly a walk in the park. It’s actually exhausting and completely awful.

There was zero point in you posting! He left you and has done nothing with his kids. You want to degrade yourself by taking him back so you have an on-site babysitter.

Crack on the kids are already going to be damaged mentally unfortunately with a life like this.

Everyone will ask me how do you do it with 4 and hold down a job etc ! And it’s simple my children deserve a good life to ensure they become good happy people. I just get sad and disappointed when parents like yourself just simply don’t care and the children are seen as nothing but a negative. You had them pull yourself together and step up. I said what I said and bringing 4 children up alongside a job with no babysitter since one occasion in 2020 it can be done easily with the right attitude.

misssunshine4040 · 15/12/2023 07:48

@Nicaced10 well said

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 08:25

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/12/2023 02:25

So, when did he get the notice to quit his current home? That's my suspicion as to what his motivation is.

Show quote history

He has been saying it for years

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 08:25

Nicaced10 · 15/12/2023 07:45

There was zero point in you posting! He left you and has done nothing with his kids. You want to degrade yourself by taking him back so you have an on-site babysitter.

Crack on the kids are already going to be damaged mentally unfortunately with a life like this.

Everyone will ask me how do you do it with 4 and hold down a job etc ! And it’s simple my children deserve a good life to ensure they become good happy people. I just get sad and disappointed when parents like yourself just simply don’t care and the children are seen as nothing but a negative. You had them pull yourself together and step up. I said what I said and bringing 4 children up alongside a job with no babysitter since one occasion in 2020 it can be done easily with the right attitude.

Show quote history

I’m glad you find it easy being a single mum but some of us don’t 🥇

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 08:30

Do you think it would do your dc any favours to move their dad back in when he is clearly so disinterested in having a real relationship with them?

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 08:33

They want to see their father more. Yes I think it will benefit them.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 15/12/2023 08:40

Well it sounds like you want to do it so go ahead, most here are going to say it’s a bad idea getting back with someone to make your life easier. If you said you still loved him, you miss him and want to make another go on it I’d say why not. It’s not fair on him either if he thinks you want to give it another go but really you want help with the kids. Fact is he should be helping with his own kids. So what if he doesn’t like where you live, his kids live there and a decent parent would live nearby to facilitate contact with their child. I wouldn’t want to get back with someone who had made zero effort to see their own children since splitting, it would make me hate him. I’d rather suffer and struggle on my own. But it’s your life, your choice.

perfectcolourfound · 15/12/2023 08:46

The only reason you've given to move back in with him is that you think it will make your life easier.

You haven't explained how, as it sounds like he made your life very difficult before, and he doesn't show any signs of being interested in sharing care of his children right now (and he could do a lot more than he does, please don't make excuses for him).

So there is no evidence he'll make your life easier.

He could make it a whole lot harder. He could leave you again. He could let his children down again. He could believe you want to make another go of it and think this means you love him, and you could hurt him. Your children may be happy to live with their dad again, but if it doesn't work out they'll be doubly affected by it. If he doesn't pull his weight your life could be harder than it is right now.

There are many risks associated with being back with him. Please at least acknowledge them before you make the final decision.

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