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Original poster

Life too difficult as a single mum, get back with ex?

212 replies

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 11:48

Just that really. Has anyone given things another go? It doesn’t get any easier it really doesn’t so don’t want to be told it does as it doesn’t. Just has anyone given things another go and did it work out?

OP posts:
Youdirtysonofagun · 14/12/2023 13:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

tescocreditcard · 14/12/2023 13:27

Nicaced10 · 14/12/2023 13:23

After reading this it’s clear those poor children are being affected hugely. It seems you don’t want them he doesn’t want them, I’m married but he’s at work from 5am until 7:30pm. I do everything with the 4 kids do all the housework, homework, sort the bills and I also work. I have zero family help of support never ever have we haven’t had a babysitter since one occasion in 2010.

so he doesn’t bring anything to the table in the sense I need him! And I’ve no help with the kids but I don’t find it a struggle at all.

I think your Disney fairy tale he’ll move in and look after the kids is exactly that a fairytale. Try loving them, building them up, getting in a routine. My house is spotless and so well organised that everything runs well. So approach things like gutting house, cooking decent food for the kids. Engaging with them, spending time with them. With children you get out what you put in.

But reading your responses I feel those kids are a burden and they know it 😢

I agree with everything here. Especially given the OPs lack of detailed information as to what exactly she's struggling with.

OP if you want a break from the kids it's ok to say that.

Drinkinggreentea · 14/12/2023 13:50

So he left you but assumed you would get back together at some point. How do you know he won't leave you again? Getting back together would be a huge change for the kids and if he decides to leave again they could end up traumatised.

You actually don't love him. If you're not sure if you do or don't then you don't.

It sounds like you need a holiday. Arrange for him to take the kids for a week at Christmas so you have a break and Can recharge. Your reasons for getting back together are not good enough to make it work.

Onceuponaheartache · 14/12/2023 13:50

Ok few questions

1 do you work
2 doe she have them on his days off/every other weekend? 90 mins each way commute is not an excuse to no have his kids
3 do you get maintenance

Your issue isn't being a single mum, it seems from the very limited info that you have a diclheas of an ex who doesn't pull his weight as a parent.

sunlovingcriminal · 14/12/2023 13:54

It's not really a question though is it? From your responses you've decided it'll be easy if he moves back in, so just do it... you don't need validation from a bunch of strangers when you've evidently decided it'll be easier with your (deadbeat) ex (who isn't actually interested in parenting the children at the moment).

tearsandtiaras · 14/12/2023 13:55

How old are the children? Do you work?

Katiesaidthat · 14/12/2023 13:55

I´m married, I bring up my daughter mostly alone, due to husband´s mental health. Going back with a useless man is like being alone but also having to carry the freeloader. I can´t for the life of me understand why you think it´s better. He isn´t interested in them, it would all still fall to you.

Strokethefurrywall · 14/12/2023 13:59

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 12:23

because then I wouldn’t be raising them alone?? Someone else will be here? I’m struggling with raising them alone with no family help. The single mums I know have lots of family support.

He wouldn't help raise them. He'd just be another leech in your house expecting you to do everything try thing and contributing nothing.

Why would you think he'd help raise his kids in your house, when he does fuck all now?

frazzledasarock · 14/12/2023 13:59

So he left you.

you have four children your raising alone.

I did it with two. It was much easier right from the off for me.

would you not be constantly worried he’s going to up and leave again?

BoohooWoohoo · 14/12/2023 14:04

You need to sit down and remember why you broke up.
How did you feel about him just before you broke up? What were his negative points ? You should have done it the time of the split so you could read your thoughts when you felt unsure of the decision but do it now.
What would he say were your negative points ? Write down the bad stuff from all the years.
You’ve both changed over the past 6 years but sit down and write about how you were 6+ years ago vs how you are now.
If his behaviour caused the breakup eg cheating then getting back together will mean that he will not have the incentive to stop repeating that behaviour because you’ll forgive him so that your life is easier. You could end up in the situation or doing it all with an extra manchild in the mix. If he knows that your greatest challenge is him never having the kids then he can use that to control you. I’m not sure why 90 mins distance stops him having contact when school
holidays are 13 weeks a year but settling is sad and far too risky.

Wannabegreenfingers · 14/12/2023 14:06

You sound very dejected. We need more detail to be able to give you advice. Do you work, how old are the children, do you rent or own your house. Friends?

I'm a single parent to a tween and a teen. Own my house (mortgaged) work full time and have zero family support day to day as they live too far away. Their Dad sees them every other weekend and part of the school holidays, but they are getting to age where they don't always want to go.

I love my life, but that's not to say that it doesn't have it's challenges, but not having to tip toe around my ex-husband for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing in his eyes, is wonderful.

HowAmYa · 14/12/2023 14:10

Sounds like he has worn you down to a point where you actually believe you can't cope without him and life will only get better if he's back with you.

You're talking about a man who cares so little about his kids he won't even live closer.

Oh but he wants to get back with you though. I wonder why. Its easier for him. Otherwise he can't be arsed to be a dad. Why are you maintaining a relationship with this man at all?

Think about how that sounds and the example you are setting your children.

Instead, tell us the things you find the most difficult and let us help you find solutions.

NameChangePoP · 14/12/2023 14:17

Op I promise it does get easier. I had 4 DC and was single when the DT were 2. At one point I had 4 under 4 and had them almost 24/7. I was also working FT, and had no family help either.
It might not seem it now, but it really does get better as they get older. Getting back with an ex because you're struggling is never going to work and will only make you more unhappy in the long term.

roarrfeckingroar · 14/12/2023 14:30

I have no family support and am a single parent of 2. I left their father because the relationship wasn't right, not because it was dreadful,

If he isn't pulling his weight now you're apart, why would you want him back? Could you split parenting with him so he has them more often?

PurpleAndPinkTeddyinAJacket · 14/12/2023 14:32

I'm basically a lone parent and have no family help.

I am still 100% better without Ex. My DD has some disabilities and it's hard, but I'd rather muddle through than have him in my life again.

notthisagaindear · 14/12/2023 14:34

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 12:35

I’m guessing the people that found it easier either have family support or their ex has the children some of the time.

Yes OP, That's the problem when people say how things are for them, and then assume that means it will be the same for everyone.

We are all different in different circumstances.

And having absolutely no family or additional help when you have kids, especially if you have more than one, is really hard. There are all sort of circumstances that make things harder for some than others.

I have no advice, but I hear you.

Saggypants · 14/12/2023 14:34

So use the fact he wants to get back with you as leverage.

Tell him you can't respect him or even consider reconciliation until he starts co-parenting properly.

itsmylife7 · 14/12/2023 14:35

So what will he do if he moves back in ?

How will it make your life easier ?

And "he left you and his kids " so what will stop him doing this next time ?

AgnesX · 14/12/2023 14:35

If you can't get your ex to pull his weight now why do you think he will if you get back together?

Apart from that presumably the reasons you parted company still exist?

If people are telling you don't do it and that things will improve then listen to them especially where they're telling you from experience.

whynotwhatknot · 14/12/2023 14:43

how will this affect the kids that dont see their dad to all of a sudden him moving back home

they must be used to not seeing him by now wont this just confuse them

Rosequartz7 · 14/12/2023 14:48

I found it easier and didn't have ANY family or friends support at all- no parents, nothing, no support from child's dad at all (the opposite actually) I don't look back with Rose tinted glasses or anything, at times it was absolutely brutal and I felt completely alone and at times I questioned my own sanity so I do get how hard it is. I would still choose going it alone as it made me who I am today and I can look back and feel alright with my decision to go it alone. When you're in the thick of single parenting it can really suck but honestly it's such a short time that they need you, cheesy but true. One day they will be gone off living their own lives and you can look back with pride that you didn't settle.

usernother · 14/12/2023 14:49

I was a single parent from when my children were very small. It was much easier. My ex did very little to help when I was with him so the workload was no different. I got to make all the decisions which was easier. The only difficult thing was coping financially.

coolkatt · 14/12/2023 14:53

so bring someone back into your kids lives who is not in it that much, change their routines, their home security, their time
with you.
all to make it easier on you?
use someone you don't love who can be with someone who actually does love them all cos youre finding it hard.
get a grip. if it hasn't gotten easier then that's life. deal with it, don't just go about using people to make your own life easier. would you like someone to treat your kids like this down the line? there are ways to make him do more or take a share of the kids than egging the man along and having him in the house that is your kids home. selfish or what.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 14:56

Maybe if a billion more people post op, you might get the answer you want, then you can screen shot it, and hang by its every word, and carry on dismissing the 999,999 other posters who have told you it's a terrible idea.

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/12/2023 15:02

How do you think you or your children's life would be better @ChristmasPuddingPie?

He could make life easier if he wanted too, he could move closer, have them longer in the holidays or pay for you to have some support. All these are possible and he's not doing them. He wants to take the easy option, he moves in and you are still left with the relentless mental load because he barely knows his children.

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