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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Life too difficult as a single mum, get back with ex?

212 replies

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 11:48

Just that really. Has anyone given things another go? It doesn’t get any easier it really doesn’t so don’t want to be told it does as it doesn’t. Just has anyone given things another go and did it work out?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 08:48

I would just put up with it till they have grown up. He isn’t a bad person. I am lonely and do kind of miss him well the good times anyway.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 15/12/2023 08:51

Will you be honest with him, that you're doing this because life is hard and you need him to step up to being a parent? Because if you don't, it's unfair if he has the wrong understanding of what youre relationship will be, but also he needs to know that if you get back together it's on the understanding he's going to do his share of the parenting.

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 08:53

ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 08:33

They want to see their father more. Yes I think it will benefit them.

Yes but he doesn't want to see them.

vodkaredbullgirl · 15/12/2023 08:57

OP just go ahead and get back with him. We will see you in 6 months time, when he's done it again and moved out.

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 09:04

perfectcolourfound · 15/12/2023 08:51

Will you be honest with him, that you're doing this because life is hard and you need him to step up to being a parent? Because if you don't, it's unfair if he has the wrong understanding of what youre relationship will be, but also he needs to know that if you get back together it's on the understanding he's going to do his share of the parenting.

Yes he is already aware of that

OP posts:
northernlight20 · 15/12/2023 09:08

This thread is crazy. U already know what you’re going to do, so why post? Crack on with it.

Twiglets1 · 15/12/2023 09:10

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 12:13

No it’s not still an issue. No I have no family help at all they are not interested and no he isn’t with them half the time they are here full time.

He sounds a deadbeat Dad if he doesn’t even have them every other weekend - is that the sort of person you want in your life again?

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 09:13

How can he have them every other weekend when he has nowhere to take them?

OP posts:
Nicaced10 · 15/12/2023 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 09:28

ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 09:13

How can he have them every other weekend when he has nowhere to take them?

Why does he have nowhere to take them?

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/12/2023 09:35

ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 08:48

I would just put up with it till they have grown up. He isn’t a bad person. I am lonely and do kind of miss him well the good times anyway.

If you had a car that you had to keep pouring more oil into every day and it was losing oil all over your driveway, you wouldn't wax lyrical about "the good times" of being able to take it out on the rural B roads, you'd get it fixed or get rid. And you can't fix people...

My point is that the "bad times" determine whether a man is suitable for you, not the "good times".

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 09:53

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 09:28

Why does he have nowhere to take them?

Show quote history

Shared housing

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 15/12/2023 09:55

ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 09:13

How can he have them every other weekend when he has nowhere to take them?

Why can’t they stay at his place?

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/12/2023 09:56

ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 09:53

Shared housing

Show quote history

Shared housing explains a lot about his motives...

BertieBotts · 15/12/2023 09:59

OP you don't need permission from MN to get back together with your ex if you think it's the right thing to do.

So why did you post?

It's a fairly big decision. Would it be worth seeing a counsellor to talk things through with someone IRL? Even if you paid privately it would be a small cost compared to making a decision that you later regret.

yaboreme · 15/12/2023 11:09

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way, the thing that stands out is that you seem extremely low and defeated. Have you spoken to your GP about your current situation, they may be able to offer some support/ counselling.

Also with regards to your children, what age are they? Do they qualify for any childcare? It may be that you can get some free hours somewhere along with some universal credit to help give you a break.

Think of all of your options before you ask your ex back, if it isn't really what you want. It's easy to get him back by the sounds of it but it may be difficult to get him to leave if you change your mind.

Good luck and hope you make the decision is right for you Flowers

Christabelladaisy · 15/12/2023 14:10

I think a lot of MNetters are taking the question as an absolute literal one and answering yes or no.

i don’t interpret it that way. I think it’s really a way of saying ‘I’m absolutely desperate here and I need some help. Should I consider this?’

I know the official line is that no less than perfection will do but realistically we all compromise to a certain extent. However I do think this is a compromise too far. I think I’d explore any other routes of support, although I do realise that’s hard. I haven’t always found parenting easy, it does mean you get no time to yourself and I did struggle with that a lot in the early days in particular.

Burntouted · 15/12/2023 15:37

This seems like an absolutely terrible idea. He's a deadbeat dad who doesn't do much for the children, and instead of him making necessary changes to be more of a permanent stable fixture in their lives many years ago, he decided against it.

He also sounds controlling and abusive. It's his way or the highway.

It's his way only or the highway. He demands that you uproot you and the kids, and demands that you have to be together in order for him to be a father.

This isn't about the children for him.. This is about a "free" ride for him, and a new place. Control. He knows that you're not going anywhere, and that youll tolerate whatever he gives you..

He's not this "good" person that you make him out to be.

He's not interested in being a parent..or parening..He's never been.He doesn't do much now, he's not going to do much if you two got back together again. He's just using the children as an excuse to come back and get what he wants.

It is very likely that he'll up and leave again. He isn't use to being exposed to the kids..he isn't use to being exposed to you..He isn't use to being in a household with everyone. He is use to his peace and life mostly without being involved with children. He isn't use to the possible chaos. This may drive him away.

What will you do if he leaves? What will you do when he doesn't live up to your expectations???

No one it seems, is thinking of the children in this situation. Their overall well being, mental, physical, emotional health.

You don't even know what impact he will have on the children. He already has a negative impact. Coming and going out of their lives. Only seeing them when he feels like it..which isn't often. .refusing to get his life in order because he doesn't want 50/50..etc...

He is essentially a stranger. They have zero bond nor relationship with him. You want them to be accepting and tolerant of being uprooted, and a strange man who keeps abandoning them ..moving in...

All because you want a live in nanny and you're lonely.

You're willing to mess up their lives further..

And your own. You'd rather be tolerant of him and live in possible "unhappiness" until the children are grown.

Unfortunately you made the poor decision to have multiple children by him. One child was too many. Please don't have anymore children by him or anyone else.

How is this going to work out if you or him meet someone else?

You'd rather not contact organizations or social services for help?

Unfortunately, you're adamant about doing this. Not understanding the reason for this post.

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 15/12/2023 15:56

Well that’s exactly how I feel. I’ve already made the poor decisions, it can’t be undone. I made my bed, now just got to accept it till they have grown up. So I could either have his help or not. No one else is willing to help me.

OP posts:
Snorkmaidenn · 15/12/2023 16:37

Why don't you let him stay one weekend and if it goes well, allow him to stay another. You will get an idea if this is the way forward for you this way, rather than putting all your eggs in the basket and having him move in permanently. Also, you can get to know each other again.

Snorkmaidenn · 15/12/2023 16:39

Also, there are plenty of second time around marriages that have worked out. People can learn from previous mistakes. Good luck to you all x

SomeoneYouLoved · 15/12/2023 16:58

He won't stick around though, look how he has left you in the lurch before.
He sounds totally unreliable and will hurt you again.
I would go and have a chat with GP, it is incredibly hard and lonely raising children alone, there's no shame in admitting that, but don't go back to what broke you.
He isn't the answer.

misssunshine4040 · 15/12/2023 18:24

Op how old are your kids?

You need to turn around your perception of this situation.
You should use this as motivation to better your circumstances for your children.
You are incredibly lucky to have children and they deserve you to be the best you can for them.

Do you work? Study? What can you do for you?
I am a single mum with absolutely no help for anyone with an ex who tried to ruin our lives.
I know how hard it is.

nokobonoko · 15/12/2023 20:01

Just wanted to say that I'm also a single parent and it's extremely hard. I think one child is manageable as a solo parent, but anything more than that feels almost impossible, most of the time.
I completely understand why you would contemplate going back - I often do and then I spend a day with him and realise why I would rather battle on, despite the relentlessness of it all.
The hardest part for me is running on empty, carrying all of the mental load and never having enough time to give them what they deserve - a present loving mother. I'm grumpy, tired, sad and never have time to sit and enjoy them.
I don't think you should go back but I completely understand why you think about it.

nokobonoko · 15/12/2023 20:03

Also, single parents with one child will often try to tell you that they know how tough it is (and it is for them too, of course) but two children really is DOUBLE the work.

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