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Original poster

Life too difficult as a single mum, get back with ex?

212 replies

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 11:48

Just that really. Has anyone given things another go? It doesn’t get any easier it really doesn’t so don’t want to be told it does as it doesn’t. Just has anyone given things another go and did it work out?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 12:46

Comedycook · 14/12/2023 12:43

Ok...so we need to know more about him and why you broke up I think.

I will give a slightly alternative view...I think a lot of posters on here try to make out that you'll be happier on your own. I'm honestly not sure this is always true. But like I said it depends on what he's like. If he was abusive, then no never get back together.

Certainly not happier but he left me so it wasn’t a choice. He assumed we would get back together at some point. He has mental health issues but is treated now.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 14/12/2023 12:50

He doesn't want to see his children??? How could you make them live with a man who isn't interested in being their dad?

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 12:52

He does want to. He doesn’t want them 50% of the time. His living situation would make that impossible and he lives 90 mins away.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 14/12/2023 12:53

So you'd just be getting another person to look after and he gets a warm bed.

It's hard because he doesn't do his fair share of parenting, that's not going to change when if he moves in.

Dery · 14/12/2023 12:53

Your answers aren’t making him sound like the solution. He left you but for some reason assumed you would get back together - presumably when he felt like it. But he doesn’t have his children to stay because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t contribute financially. He sounds pretty useless.

You’ve not mentioned your children’s ages. Is this in part about wanting to have a bit of free time? Does he spend any time with the children? Does he take them out for the day? If not - do you have friends who are also parents with whom you could swap childcare favours?

Socialyawkward · 14/12/2023 12:54

It sounds like you're in a really hard place right now and everyone asking questions and making comments may not feel like they're helping... but it does seem like a very odd scenario and it's difficult to understand without knowing which bits are hard for you and from the outside it looks like you're saying to move from a hard place to an equally hard place just with some company? There is so much more to life

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 14/12/2023 12:54

I think before you take the step of getting back together, you need to have a sit down and find out why he isn’t sharing the parenting of his children.

Is it logistical as in he lives too far away? Do you not want him to have them weekends and holidays? Do you trust him with them?

If he does come back, he will probably think that normal married life will resume. Can you have sex with him on a regular basis if you don’t love him or have any feelings for him?

It might be worth getting some counselling either on your own or together too. Bringing him back into the children’s lives will be a massively upheaval for them. If he leaves again it will be even worse. You need to figure out how to make your relationship work this time to protect them.

TeaGinandFags · 14/12/2023 12:55

He's an ex for a reason, a reason that we curious mumsnetters are not entitled to know.

If you're thinking of getting back with him for childcare help, ask yourself why isn't he already helping. They're his kids too and he should be spending as much time as possible with them. If he's not helping, what makes you think he's going to start? If he wanted to really be a family with you, as opposed to wanting a shag - and it is truly amazing the effort men put into getting a shag - he'd already be helping out.

If what you want is help with the kids, ask for it. Let him step up to the plate. If he won't then he's told you what you need to know.

If your family helped then you probably wouldn't be in this situation. Have you thought about contacting a women's group or Gingerbread? Raising kids is tough at the best of times.

Wonderfulstuff · 14/12/2023 12:56

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to know their own kids?

Surely you want to move forward not backwards?

Dery · 14/12/2023 12:56

You do sound very weary, OP. Is there a possibility that he could move in with you and your children for co-parenting purposes but you don’t get back together as a couple?

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 12:58

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/12/2023 12:53

So you'd just be getting another person to look after and he gets a warm bed.

It's hard because he doesn't do his fair share of parenting, that's not going to change when if he moves in.

Never looked after him. Don’t relate to mums that say they looked after their ex.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 14/12/2023 13:01

How often does he see the children? How often does he take the children on his own for aday?

Living 90 mins away isn't an excuse to not see your children. I used to travel that amount of time just to get to work every day.

ToniTTtopaz · 14/12/2023 13:02

I don't think you need to get back with him if its not what you want.

You need to establish some contact days where he has them by himself. Living 90 mins away or 'doesn't want to' isn't a choice here.

He's a Dad, he needs to act like one.

vodkaredbullgirl · 14/12/2023 13:03

He needs to get to know his kids again.

Original poster
ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 13:03

perfectcolourfound · 14/12/2023 13:01

How often does he see the children? How often does he take the children on his own for aday?

Living 90 mins away isn't an excuse to not see your children. I used to travel that amount of time just to get to work every day.

It’s why he can’t have them 50/50

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 14/12/2023 13:03

Sorry to keep asking questions, @ChristmasPuddingPie it's just that everything you've said suggests you shouldn't be with this man, and it's hard to understand what is hard and what is getting harder for you, that living with a man who left you / you don't love / doesn't parent the children now, would make better.

SecondUsername4me · 14/12/2023 13:09

How often does he take the kids?

MintJulia · 14/12/2023 13:15

I don't have any family support. Ex does 14 nights a year if I'm lucky. I've been on my own for 13 years. I only have one but I also work full time. It is a constant balancing act.

What are you struggling with OP? Is it the relentlessness of it all? Or the loneliness of doing it on your own? Money?

It does get easier as they get older and can help you with small things. How old are your dcs?

TomatoSandwiches · 14/12/2023 13:16

How often and regularly does he take the children? 90mins travel time is not in any way an excuse or barrier.

burntoutnurse · 14/12/2023 13:16

Does he have the kids AT ALL?

How old are they?

I did it on my own with 3 DC for 8 years, two of whom have SEN and I was doing a nursing degree, it was fucking hard, but not as hard as it was when I was with my ex.

If he's not being a parent now, what makes you think he will if you get back together? He could come collect the children at 9am on a Saturday and have them until Sunday afternoon,

You're finding it hard because he's not stepping up. At all. He sounds completely useless tbh,

An ex is an ex for a reason, I went back for years, when I finally got away, it was the best thing I ever did!

Dotcheck · 14/12/2023 13:16

How old are your kids OP? Do you work?

As others have said, it would be useful if you say what you are struggling with.

In my experience, it DID get easier. My family don’t live in this country, and their dad went off the rails after we split. I have more than one child. I found it got easier as they got older, and I didn’t have to worry so much about organising childcare

muchalover · 14/12/2023 13:23

ChristmasPuddingPie · 14/12/2023 12:35

I’m guessing the people that found it easier either have family support or their ex has the children some of the time.

No. Not at all.

Nicaced10 · 14/12/2023 13:23

After reading this it’s clear those poor children are being affected hugely. It seems you don’t want them he doesn’t want them, I’m married but he’s at work from 5am until 7:30pm. I do everything with the 4 kids do all the housework, homework, sort the bills and I also work. I have zero family help of support never ever have we haven’t had a babysitter since one occasion in 2010.

so he doesn’t bring anything to the table in the sense I need him! And I’ve no help with the kids but I don’t find it a struggle at all.

I think your Disney fairy tale he’ll move in and look after the kids is exactly that a fairytale. Try loving them, building them up, getting in a routine. My house is spotless and so well organised that everything runs well. So approach things like gutting house, cooking decent food for the kids. Engaging with them, spending time with them. With children you get out what you put in.

But reading your responses I feel those kids are a burden and they know it 😢

Nicaced10 · 14/12/2023 13:25

muchalover · 14/12/2023 13:23

No. Not at all.

Show quote history

Totally agree ! I do it with 4 myself with zero help. Infact most I know have no help,

NotNowGertrude · 14/12/2023 13:25

Why can't he have them for one night every other weekend as a start?

Do you think maybe he's not having them to force you into giving him another chance?

Why would you want to be with someone who left you?

I am a single mum to 2 kids, have no family support & ex has them every other weekend. It's for a lot easier as others have said as they have got older