Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5033232-things-you-simply-cannot-be-arsed-with-anymore

It’s a great thread. I feel like I’ve found my people!

Hey OP. Was just wondering how you're doing? No pressure to respond but just know we are championing you quietly from the sidelines. I hope the DC are ok are and you're doing ok too ☺️

All ok. Things seem to be settling down.
Getting ready to move again and will be taking some of the stuff from the house, relatively amicable with ex at the moment. Also have made progress in making peace yet setting boundaries with his parents.
Easter holidays alongside work has been tricky but the kids seem ok.
I'm feeling a lot calmer now. I can't believe this is our 4th month since we left.
I'm starting to feel a lot more hope for the future and generally a lot more accepting of what's happened.
Some days I feel angry and sad but overall I'm feeling stronger.
Thank you for checking in xx

So pleased you are ok! Hopefully your next move will go smoothly, and if you are getting some stuff from your previous home, that will make it more comfortable for you and your DC.
You have come so far, well done! Like you said it’s only 4 months, you are amazing. We are all behind. 🌸😘

Yes! Well done!

Hi OP. I've just come across your post and would like to add myself to the chorus of Bloody Well Done!!!!!! from strangers on the internet.

I am you, one year in the future. I split up with my ex DP in December '22, who also made life extremely difficult and awkward. Also had to endure a God-awful Christmas before moving out and selling up at the end of January. Moved into a holiday rental home, then another, for a couple of months, before finally landing on my own little home, middle of last year. I am coming up to nearly a year living there and it's the happiest I've ever been.

I recognise all the emotions you were feeling. Regret, restlessness, self-doubt. It does go away, and it does get better.

When we were in the process of selling the house (which I also had to do all the legwork for!!!!), I wrote myself a long list of all the things I was looking forward to once I was free of that bastard and settled in my own house. I used to read that list back to myself every time I felt my resolve waver or when I hit a rough patch emotionally. It really helped to keep me going.

Take your time. Be kind to yourself. You've got this.

You're doing amazingly. Stay strong and I will keep getting easier. You've got this.

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter

How are you now ?

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon thanks for checking in! I'm ok. Settled into the new rental, the kids seem to be settled too.
Work is busy, ex has finally got solicitors sorting him buying me out of the house. Other than the loft I have all my belongings now. He called me last weekend to tell me how much I disgust him and he hates me and has been difficult to say the least about arranging his time with the kids but I'm ok.

I'm starting to feel like life is improving, and I feel strong! Tired but strong!

I could do with a 2 week holiday on a beach alone- but will settle for the off Sunday morning I get to sleep in til 11 when he has the children!

do you recall these words from your initial post:

' This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down '

and now your recent words:

' I'm starting to feel like life is improving, and I feel strong! Tired but strong! '

Yes you are still tired - but you work and have 2 children I suspect many working Mums are tired and whilst many have someone to support them but many also don't have anyone to support them, and for many the support is more of a burden.

Yes you are doing it alone, but you are ' doing it ' and I felt a lot of positivity in the words you wrote today.

Well done, you did do it !

and it can only get better.

and as for him - well that was expected.

I read this thread from the start and just want to congratulate you on your strength and resilience. My rose tinted glassed came off and I am preparing to make my move soon and this has given me so much encouragement to fight for freedom. Thank you

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter

He called me last weekend to tell me how much I disgust him and he hates me

Dud you secretly record this tirade OP? Never know when a recording of him being a total ass might be useful... 🌹

It’s good to hear your latest update. You are doing so well! It’s been less than 6 months and you have archived so much. You should be proud of yourself in knowing you did the right thing by leaving. 😘🌸

If I can give any advice it to document every nasty call and text and email when it happens but try to minimise opportunity for this post brake up abuse.
With my ex when my dc was small I would only take his calls of my dc was in his care and I could assume it’s an emergency. Otherwise communication on email only. No chit chat at the door, not giving any information at all about my life, hello, specific questions about dc and goodbye. Not giving any attention- complete grey rock. Took me a while to realise I’m not being rude and I need to protect myself. I would not contact him myself while dc was in his care. Now my DC is 17 and can make his arrangements himself so I have exes phone blocked completely.
for maintenance we had a cms direct pay agreement but when he withheld payment to punish me for that or the other one times too many didn’t like I decided to take it back to CMS and they collected payments from him, fee was for ex to pay on top. I did have to wait about 6 months but ended up receiving all of the arrears.

Just a little update.
6 months since I left.
We are all settled in our new home and it really feels like home.
Ex is buying me out. Due to complete in the next week- I'm happy with the settlement.
Kids seem calmer and happier.
I go on holiday- abroad - for the first time in a decade next week with friends.
Today I found out I am being promoted to Director at work.
I have met someone who makes me smile everyday- but taking it slowly.

Today I felt calm and happy and so proud of everything I have achieved in the last 6 months.

It's been hard and exhausting but I feel like I'm finally where I want to be.

Thank you all so much for the support.

That’s wonderful news! So pleased everything has turned a corner for you. You deserve to be happy.

Congratulation on your promotion and hope you continue to smile every day!

You should be so proud of yourself. 😘🌸

🥳

You did it you did it you did it !

shall we all have a wee dance around room singing " you did it you did it you did it " :)

he must be so pissed off ! holiday with friends and a promotion !

do you remember writing this ' and (he) has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP. '

well you have proved him wrong in so many ways !

good for you !

Congratulations!

Great update

That’s so lovely to hear. I hope you’ll be really happy. 😊

Fabulous update!

Congratulations, you are giving me hope 💕

Fantastic news! I love this. You go girl, live your life.

Wow xxx im 2 years out and still have these celebration days xxx well done you xxxx